Our Secret

No one knew my secret. OUR secret. Not Momo, not Rangiku, not even Hisagi. I think you get the point. So when Captain Ukitake told me he wanted to talk about it... Well. My reaction wasn't exactly minor. But, to be fair, it wasn't a minor secret.

I guess it was kind of a relief to have someone know about it. It was making me depressed each day. Well, it wasn't our secret that was driving me crazy. It was the fact that he had left, despite it. "It" being the secret, of course.

Now, I know what you're thinking. What the hell is this secret? I wouldn't be surprised if you can guess it by the end of this story. Yeah, it means I'm not going to tell you it. If you're observant, it will be blatant. If you don't get it, you may be lucky; it may be "accidentally" revealed.

It started with my captain. It was his fault I turned out like this. But it was my fault for enjoying it. And it was my fault for letting him do it again. And again. It became a regular thing for us to do. He would always be the dominant one; I was always taking it, if you know what I mean.

I wouldn't be surprised if you've guessed our secret by now.

I was embarrassed by it. I didn't want anyone to know. Especially not Rangiku, Renji and Hisagi. If Rangiku found out, she would either kill me for being with her lover, or kill my captain for making me like this. If Hisagi and Renji found out, they would stay clear of me, maybe fearing I may come on to them. I wouldn't, of course, they're not my type, Renji loves Rukia, and it's too obvious Hisagi has fallen for Rangiku.
Or maybe I'm looking at them wrong: maybe they'll accept me, maybe even be closer to me.

I'd rather not take the risk. Especially not with Rangiku.

Got it yet?

Then he left. Betrayed us. Along with Aizen and Tousen. It hurt. Bad. Rangiku often came over, using the excuse of leaving her bottle of sake here, or left her scarf, which was wrapped around her neck while she made the excuse. Momo didn't take it well either. Her last encounter with her captain left her in tears and in a bloodied heap on the floor. It was obvious that all her faith in him had been drained from her, along with the blood. But, personally, I thought I was worse off. I know I wasn't, of course: Momo's captain had stabbed her to near death. But I think that the betrayal he did, the agreements he broke, made me think strangely. I knew I only wanted it once more, to feel him, and I would instantly be relieved of this... depression.

But he didn't. He didn't return. I was stuck, I had lost. No one could help me. I thought. Well, do you know anyone who could help me? Preferably someone I knew. Yes, I had thought of Captain Unohana, but I didn't want her to know. I didn't want anyone to know. Besides, there's something about her that gives me goose bumps.

You MUST have got it by now.

I couldn't take this. My longing for him was growing. My life was bad.
Why did I choose to be a Shinigami? No, that's ridiculous. I love my life as a Shinigami. Why did I have to be in the 3rd Division? Granted, I enjoyed my time there, but if someone had told me before my captain would do this I would've...
I would've stared at you, called you crazy, and directed you to the 4th Division.

I can't forget it. The day I was saved. I didn't expect to be saved, and at the time, didn't care to be saved. I had learnt that life sucked. Deal with the fact. And if you couldn't deal with it... Take it. That's what I was thinking.
I was walking along the corridors of the 13th Division, delivering some papers when it happened. I knew the Captain would be in, despite his illness, since he had a lot of paperwork to do. I was thinking about him, the subtle movements he made, the way he moved ever so slightly, but it was those movements that drove me crazy.

These memories drove me crazy.

I collapsed. I brought my hands to my face. My weakness overtook me. Yes, there were tears. Is that so bad? Are you teasing me?
Remind me of that when it's your turn.

That's what he would say, isn't it?

"Lieutenant Kira?" a startled voice came from above my bent head. This snapped up when I heard the voice.
"Captain Ukitake!" I exclaimed, scrambling to my feet. Concern was written on his face, and I could see the question rising in his throat.
"I was just leaving! I swear!" I babbled. The concern on his face didn't budge. I bent down to collect the papers I had dropped. Then he said it.
"Kira... Is this about your... relationship with Captain Ichimaru?" he asked.

The papers hit the floor. I turned slowly. He must have seen the shock on my face because he chuckled. Which he stopped abruptly.
"..H-how...?" I stuttered. We hadn't been loud. Never in public. Always closed curtains and blinds.
"Let's see... Lucky guess?" he laughed once with no emotion.
"No… seriously-" I started. I stared at him. Then I put on a fake smile.
"I'm fine Captain, honestly!" I forced out, not sounding too mechanical. He looked at me oddly, so I turned on my heel and started to walk away.
"Izuru San-" he started but I cut him off with a thank you. He left me be. But as soon as he turned and left, I died inside. I was mentally breaking down. I couldn't live like this. No more.
I left the division's barracks and headed out to my house. I knew what I had to do. I couldn't take this. Something sharp would do. Then a hand grabbed my shoulder. I was turned around and pulled into a fierce embrace. The person was crushing their lips against mine, as if they never wanted to let go. I opened my eyes, which I hadn't realised I had closed, and caught a glimpse of white hair.
My breath hitched. Could it be? Had he come back to claim me one last time? I melted into the kiss a bit more at this thought. Then I realised that this person's hair was longer, much longer. And these lips were not familiar. I was going to push away. But I froze.
This wasn't bad, was it? After all, Ukitake started it. And I needed this badly, before my thoughts turned more... suicidal. So I didn't fight. I let Ukitake explore my body with his hands and mouth. I didn't complain as he took me into his mouth, and I opened my mouth as he put his member into it, and let me work on him.
And I gladly accepted him into me.

It's impossible to still be ignorant of the secret now.

It couldn't have been Ukitake's first time either. He was too experienced. It was like he knew where to hit inside me.

I tipped over the edge, sending me in spasms. We collapsed on the floor in a tangle heap.
For a few minutes, the only sound in the room was the sound our pants. Then, I quickly stood up, and started to dress. He watched me for a couple of seconds, and joined me in the activity. After we had dressed, I started walking towards the door. I had just been fucked, mentally and physically. But before I could leave, my saviour (well he was. He saved me from near suicide) called my name. I turned to look at him.
Ukitake smiled and winked.
"This can be our secret, okay?"