By BadMomma
Note: This is a sequel to Red Skies at Morning; though not necessary, this might make more sense if you read that first. More notes at the bottom.
Warnings: Language (potty mouthed Duo), angst, angst, and angst. Also, while not actually bashing, not-so-nice Relena. Oh and did I mention, angst?
Red skies at morning, sailors take warning."Where ya' been?"
Heero looked up from the quest for his keys, searching the dark end of the hallway to see where the disembodied voice had come from. //Not again!// He silently cursed the super for not replacing the hall lights when they went out and cursed himself for not being more alert. There was very little light filtering through the window at the other end of the hall tonight, thanks to cloud cover and the large tree just outside the window. He continued searching the heavy shadows for some sign of the person there.
"I asked where you've been. By an old friend's definition, you must be one good man, cause you sure were hard to find."
//There. A movement in the shadows. Who ever it is acts like they know me, I could just leave, there's no way I'm opening the door now. If I move quickly, I could loose them and circle back around safely… Am I in danger? I don't feel like it. More time, I need to stall and work out a plan.// "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Forget me so soon, did ya'? I thought that steel trap called your brain was better than that. Must be getting rusty, but then - steel doesn't rust does it? Or maybe, I never really had a place there." The voice paused a moment before continuing. "What I wanted was to find you. I answered one of your questions, now answer one of mine. Where ya' been?"
//I should know that voice, but who would…// There was movement again and into the bare light stepped a figure covered in black, drawing the shadows with him. The once familiar garb was gone, but there was no mistaking the owner, or the twitch of the tail-like braid. "Duo?"
"Well of course it's me! Who the hell else would hang out here in a dark hallway waiting for your sorry ass? It's not like your neighbors were gonna invite me in for tea. Which by the way, do you even have neighbors? I've been in this damned hallway for hours and you're the first person I've seen."
Heero made to say something but was cut off. "Oh! Don't tell me, wait, you glared them off, just like you're trying to do to me. Well, it won't work buddy."
"I didn't do anything to them, as a matter of fact I barely know any of them. //Not that it would matter// I'm not looking to make friends." //Shit, didn't mean to say that.// Heero's shoulders slumped and he resisted the urge to bang his head on the door in front of him. "OK, you found me, happy now?" He looked at his one-time comrade, "I'm tired, Duo, did you want something else?"
The braided man let out a slightly frustrated huff, "Yes, Heero, I want you to answer my question." He walked over and placed a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Where've ya' been, man. I miss you, we've all missed you. When Relena.."
"Don't! Don't say it, don't say her name! I told you the last time I don't want to talk about her. And I'm NOT going back, so tell her to leave me alone." Heero jerked around to face him off. "If you came here to convince me that I should return to my old job you can just forget it. Now leave!" //Why damnit? I don't want to have to move again.//
"Kiss my ass, Yuy!" Now I'm pissed "Didn't you hear what I just said, I'm looking for YOU. I'm not here because SHE sent me, I'm here because we're worried about you. Me, Quatre, Trowa, even Wufei; he may not show it but he cares, too." Duo got up in Heero's face and pointed a finger right at him. "You gave me the slip last time I found you, but you're not doin' it again til I get some answers. Is that clear? Am I getting through that thick skull of yours?" He poked the other solidly in the temple. Let's see just how far I can push him before he snaps. "I know a lot more than I did the last time I found you, but not enough to satisfy my UNENDING curiosity, and if you think I'm just going to walk away this time you've got another thing coming!"
*** ***
"Heero?" Duo couldn't believe his eyes! He'd actually found him, Heero must not have been trying too hard to hide if the braided ex-pilot had found his taciturn friend after only a cursory search. "I can't believe it. I thought you would've been harder to find. What are you doing here? Where the hell have you been? And why didn't you let us know you were leaving?"
Heero stiffened in his place, he'd hoped they wouldn't be able to find him so quickly. Sure, he'd only been gone a couple of months, but he'd left no forwarding address at his old apartment, he didn't have the cell phone anymore – SHE had seen to that - and he'd made sure to live almost exclusively on a cash basis. //Damn, I'll have to leave here now// Without turning to look at his former partner he asked, "Why are you here, Duo?"
"Why? Man, I'm looking for you, why else would I be here. We tried to get a hold of you and your phone numbers were all disconnected, your email account had been shut down, your apartment was empty and then we come to find out your not working for Relena anymore! Said she didn't know why you'd left, just that you up and resigned one day. What's with that?"
//That lying bitch!// "I have nothing to say to you or to her. Ninmu shippai, Duo. I'm not going back, you can tell her yourself. And don't ever say her name to me again." With that Heero stormed out of the diner he'd been working at.
Duo was so stunned by the outburst that he couldn't shake his feet loose to follow him.
Heero never went back, not even to get his pay. He quickly and stealthily made his way back to the hell-hole he'd been living in and packed his meager belongings. This time he'd go farther away, he wouldn't go back to that harpy, and he wouldn't let anyone else hurt or use him the way she had. No commitments, no distractions. He didn't need friends, he didn't need companionship, he should have stuck to his training and never let himself be open to that kind of attack. Never again.
*** ***
"Helloooo! Are you listening to me? Look, can we not have this discussion in the hallway? I don't really care what the neighbors might think, but my butt's sore from sitting on that damned floor for the past five hours and I really need to use the john."
"Huh, uh, right, the john." Heero fished in his bag for the keys to his apartment and opened the door. "But don't get any ideas, come in, use the john, say what you have to say and then go do… whatever you… do or… whatever." Stepping inside he flipped on the light and made way for Duo to enter. //The sooner I get this over with the sooner he leaves.// "Bathroom's the first door on the right."
"Thanks man, I really appreciate this!" Why's he so touchy? "You know Heero, it's not like I'm gonna knock you out and drag you back. 'One for one' remember? I don't hit you, you don't hit me, we walk away without any bruises. I just want to talk. OK? Just talk, maybe get something to eat, have a beer, you know, do the things that friends do with each other. Catch up on old times…. The guys and I just want you to stay in touch." Turning as he reached for the door to the bathroom, Duo gave his friend a half smile and a quick nod just to confirm what he'd said. Once inside, he mused as he relieved himself. I'm just glad he didn't bolt again, maybe he'll let me stay for a while.
This wasn't the same guy he'd come to know, something pretty bad must have happened between him and Relena to make him as fidgety and untrusting as he'd been when they first met. He quickly reviewed what he'd learned from Wufei after the previous and ill-fated meeting with Heero. When Heero bolted from the diner and never returned, Duo had been left without a clue as to what could have caused the reaction. After hanging around the diner for a few more days without any luck, he'd contacted the other pilots and told them what had happened. Wufei had vehemently argued his disbelief when he'd heard Relena's claim that she didn't know why Heero had left his job. Wufei was neither stupid nor out of touch and he shared with his friends what he suspected.
Try as they might to avoid it, knowledge of Heero and Relena's less than pleasant relationship had bled into the conversations of the political and Preventer worlds. Her impolite treatment of him at social gatherings had been noticed by several people and it was believed that the treatment had not stopped at that. Her public persona had become just that, a persona. Those working close to her and those who had known her long had noticed the changes. She was no longer the sweet, almost naïve proponent of peace she'd been during and shortly after the conflicts. Like everyone else she had grown and matured but she had also become jaded. It wasn't that unheard of, someone from a well-to-do family, highly placed in society, used to getting what they wanted merely because of their status or a perceived sense of importance. Few could escape letting that power go to their heads. And Relena, it seemed, had succumb.
After sharing his thoughts with his fellow ex-pilots the Chinese man had pledged to find out more. Though no one was willing to give him any details and there never seemed to be evidence of any wrong doing, there were too many things that implied her behavior had been worse than expected. Even Quatre, who made it a point to not speak ill of others, had agreed that he'd found Heero's reasons for missing their reunions 'slightly flaky'. He admitted that he once overheard Relena giving Heero a rather rude talking to at an event, but he'd overlooked it at the time thinking that whatever had happened might have embarrassed her and she was just as entitled as anyone else to have a bad a day. He'd also taken into consideration the fact that she'd not actually reprimanded him in main hall of the event, she'd apparently had the good grace to speak to him in a less populated area of the reception lobby, though there were other guests around.
All in all, Heero's sudden cancellations and increasingly sullen mood had worried his closest friends, but all of them had attributed it to a quiet nature and dedication to his job. Being Relena's head of security could not have been easy and they had not really thought to question him about it. If only they had known before Duo first found Heero, their previous meeting might have gone better. But it hadn't, and now it had taken Duo and Trowa almost eight more months to track Heero down.
I don't know why you left Heero and I don't really care, but you're not shutting us all out because of her. I won't let you, as your friend, I can't.
~~~
As soon as Duo closed the door to the bathroom Heero found himself assaulted by memories. Flashes of conversations were running through his mind.
*** ***
"NO? Did you just say NO to me!" She was screeching again. "You can't just say no! I'm the one who makes decisions, I'm the one who has the final say in what does and does not happen around here. You work for ME, not the other way around. I pay your salary – and a hefty one at that! Don't tell me NO!"
~~~
"You owe me everything you have! Without me you're nothing but a washed up soldier, where would you be today if I hadn't taken you in and given you a job and a place to live? Out on the street probably. That's where. Useless! You're just a violent war monger like those old men who made you!"
~~~
"Who? Oh him, no he doesn't need a seat. That's just my bodyguard, he needs to remain standing so he has a clear view of all the proceedings. It's not a bother really. He'll just stand there and make himself invisible, just pretend he's not even there. Right, Heero?"
~~~
"I'm so sorry Senator Walsh, he really doesn't know what he's saying. Bodyguards, nowadays, if they're any good they have almost no manners, and if they have the slightest upbringing they're completely useless. He is a bit of a brute, but he's the best watchdog there is. Actually, before I took him under my wing he was practically uncivilized. He didn't even know how to dress properly!"
~~~
"Get out of here right now, you're fired! Turn over your cell phone, your laptop, your access badge, and anything else that you have that belongs to me. Anything that you don't have with you now had better arrive here tomorrow morning by courier no later that 10am or I'll have a warrant issued for theft. Pick up your crap and go. I never want to see you again, and if you come anywhere near me I'll have you arrested for harassment. You're a useless… ugh! Just get out. NOW! Hand the things over to my secretary I don't want to deal with you any more, just leave, immediately!"
~~~
"I am sorry Mr. Yuy but Senator Gibson can't see you." The secretary looked around warily before leaning in and whispering conspiratorially. "Actually sir, I know who you are and I just wanted to say that I respect you greatly, all you've done for us normal folks, I know how important you were to bringing the peace. I… I shouldn't really tell you this but the Senator received a letter from Minister Dorlain saying that you might seek employment and should not be granted an audience. I'm telling you because, well actually sir, I don't really like her. I don't believe the things she said in her letter. My fiancée, you see, he's in the security business and he says you're the best, so I can't see how what she said was true. But, if I can save you some embarrassment, I'd say you should look into working in the private sector, but don't look for clients in the political arena, I'd don't think you'll have much luck."
~~~
"Mr. Yuy? Heero Yuy?"
"Yes?"
"I'm Officer Martin. These gentlemen here are from Minister Dorlain's office. We understand that you have some… items… that were given to you while in her employ and these gentlemen need to retrieve them. It'll be much easier if you just tell us where they are; if you work with us sir, we'll be out of your way in no time."
"I… I don't understand, I don't have anything left of hers, I gave it all back?"
"Obviously, sir, she disagrees, if you could look over this list and comply with her request…. Otherwise we'll have to search your apartment, sir." The officer extended the list towards Heero, who just stared at it in disbelief.
"Look for yourselves, I don't have anything of hers." With an air of defeat, Heero turned from the open door and sat at the one chair in his apartment. //Why does she keep harassing me? I've got to get out of here, leave this city, or she'll never leave me alone.// Within minutes the three men were gone, no more in hand than what they had arrived with.
*** ***
He'd managed not to think about it for a long time but the memories just kept coming. It had been months since he'd thought about it, about her; he'd been running himself ragged for the last few months just trying to keep the memories away. If he didn't slow down, if he didn't have idle time, then he wouldn't have to think. //No distractions, no commitments, no emotions// Not about how meaningless his life was now, not about what it had been less than a year ago. He dropped his head into his hands and tried to push it away. Those thoughts and the feelings that came with them were taking a toll on him again. Inadequacy, insecurity, helplessness and loss. He'd managed to get himself almost totally back in control, but seeing his old friend had brought on the storm again. He couldn't do this again, he couldn't allow himself to be hurt, to be used. He needed to cut all contact before he started on that downward spiral again. He had to remember what Dr. J had taught him, no emotions, no commitments, no distractions, no…
A comforting presence and a gentle voice brought him back from his personal hell.
~~~
Duo stepped out of the bathroom to find his friend in the same placed he'd left him and what he saw shook him to the core. Heero was standing just inside the doorway with his bag still over his shoulder, the door still wide open. His body seemed to be trembling faintly and his hands were gripping his head so tightly that all the joints were white with the pressure. He quickly crossed the small apartment to his friend's side. "Heero?" he called softly, but the other man did not respond. Concern overwhelmed the knowledge that his friend didn't much like to be touched, Duo stepped right up to his friend and placed both his hands on the other's shoulders, "Heero, daijoubu?" A low grunt was his response, but his friend didn't seem to be coming around. Quickly scanning the apartment, he moved his own hands to his friend's wrists, "Come on Heero, come sit down", he led them over to the futon where they could both sit. At that his friend began to slowly respond, he took his hands down from his face, but did not jerk back from the gentle pressure at his wrists. "Dude, you look like you've seen a ghost! You're scaring the shit outta me, actually. Do ya'… do ya' need something to drink?" Duo quickly scanned the apartment again and headed straight for the fridge, once open he was glad that there were several bottles of water. Good He wouldn't need to go looking for a glass. He knelt at his friend's side and pressed the water into slightly unresponsive hands. Fortunately Heero moved, apparently on auto-pilot, and downed almost half the bottle before stopping. A sudden flicker of acknowledgement crossed his features and Duo found himself staring at what could only have been confusion and… fear?
Heero was confused. What had just happened? He stood so quickly that he dropped the bottle he was holding and spilled half of it on himself and the other occupant in the room and his bag swung down from his shoulder to land at his feet. "D- Duo, what…?"
"Man are you alright, you scared me! What the hell happened to you? I came out of the bathroom and you were just standing there trying to sink your fingers into your head!" He was relieved, a confused Heero he could handle, a catatonic Heero – he did not want to think about.
"I… I don't want to talk about it. I… //No!// It doesn't really matter Duo." He said abruptly and turned from his friend, picking up the bottle and going to the sink. "I just don't matter." He mumbled to himself. //You should just go.//
OK, this is so not good! Come on Duo, this is your field now. Help him, get him to talk, get him to calm down. He needs to feel comfortable, he needs to know he can trust you. Say something, before he goes AWOL again. "Uh, hey Heero, you got anything stronger than that water here? I could really use a drink right now and then… maybe some food. You wanna go grab a bite to eat later? Maybe after you take a shower? Oh, good one, make 'em think he stinks, BRILLIANT, dweeb! That'll do a lot for his state of mind! He stood and nervously approached his friend, mind flying through options of what he could say or do.
"Huh? Oh, um, yeah, there should be some beer in the fridge, I'm sorry I don't have anything stronger. I don't know where my manners are?"
*** ***
… they have almost no manners…
*** ***
"Manners!" Duo chuckled. "No manners necessary, we're friends, remember. Plus, I don't think you CAN have too many manners with people who've seen you in your skivvies, so I'll just help myself to a brew then OK… Do you want one? I mean, you know, before you go take a shower or whatever." Oi, again with the shower, what the hell's your problem? "Not that I'm saying you stink or anything." Great recovery, Einstein! "I just, well, you know, I like to take a shower after a hard day's work. Helps me to unwind!"
"Duo, why… why don't you just go. //No commitments, no distractions// I'm kind of tired and I really don't…"
"Listen, Heero." He took his friend by the shoulder and forced him to face him. "I'm not going anywhere. I came looking for you and I'm not going away til I get what I came for. I've been looking for you for too long to go away empty handed. So… why don't you go, take a shower, put on some fresh clothes, I'll sit here and entertain myself while you do that… I can order some dinner, we'll eat in, we'll talk. And then I'll keep talking til either you puke up your dinner from nausea or your give me what I want."
Heero studied him with a tired expression for a few moments before asking, "So what do you want from me Duo?"
"A promise Heero." After taking a deep breath he continued. "A promise that you won't run away again. You're my friend Heero. And I don't have enough of those to not care when I lose one… Please?" Don'tsaynodon'tdaynodon'tsaynodon'tsaynodon't
"Fine. Stay. //No commitments// I promise I won't run." //For now.// His friend let go and Heero turned to head for the bathroom.
"Sugoi! So while you're in there I should probably order something to eat." Duo opened the fridge to get himself a beer and saw an old food container, holding it up he asked, "Hey, is this stuff any good?"
Heero turned to see what he was referring to and shook his head. "Probably been there for a week, usually eat Chinese on Fridays."
"So, you got a number we can call, I'll buy!"
Heero opened the door that was to the left of the bathroom and stepped in to retrieve clean clothes. "I don't think they deliver. It's called The Chinese Connection, they're about two blocks north of here, on my way from work. I usually just stop in to pick up some noodles."
"OK, well, where's your phone, I'll call for the number?"
"Don't have a phone." He reached for the door of the bathroom. "I'll run over when I'm done in here and get something OK?"
"Nah buddy, you take a nice long shower, I'll go pick it up and then we can eat when you're done. My bike's right outside, should be back in a jiff. Hey, uh, OK if I take the keys so you can't lock me out?" Heero didn't even get a chance to reply, the grinning fool was already on his way out.
~~~
Two hours and a few beers later found two old friends in a much better situation than they had been before. Despite his trying, Duo had not managed to maneuver the conversation to what had made Heero run off the last time they'd met, but at least he was talking.
"OK, let's recap, you're working at an auto repair shop, fixing cars mostly, for what half a year."
"Five months."
"OK, five months. Let's see, you live by yourself, no significant other or friend type others at all in your life? You probably don't even know if your boss is married or has a girlfriend."
"Wrong. Divorced, 10 years, no kids. Girlfriend –three years, never been married, red hair, big boobs, 15 years younger than him, met at a concert in the park, smokes French cigarettes and loves to chew gum. Hand me another beer."
"Damn! Well I'm impressed, are you ready for the knitting club or what? [1]"
"Don't be, she comes to visit him at the shop all the time and talks a lot. More than you even!"
"Ouchie! More than me, huh? Well you must be thrilled. Alright, so you eat Chinese food at least once a week, but you usually cook for yourself, mostly vegetarian meals. You still don't like pizza – though I can't imagine why."
"It's gross. My beer please."
"Coming, coming." Duo leaned over from his place on the floor to grab anther beer from the fridge. "Um, what else? I see you still drink these awful ales Trowa hooked you on. Last one by the way."
"More under the sink."
Duo got up from the floor, steadying himself with the use of Heero's head to retrieve the beer from under the sink. "What else, you don't have a car…"
"Sort of." Heero interjected and took a long drink of his beer. "Actually, I do own a car – a jeep – but I'm fixing it up. The guy I got it from was in an accident and his insurance company assessed it as 'totaled', so I bought it and fix it up in my spare time."
"OK, so you sort of have a car. Are there any noodles left? Ooh yummy, hand them over. OK, no credit cards, no hobbies – other than fixing your car. You've obviously decided that you don't need any forms of communication, no phone, no email, do you even have a mailbox?"
"Yes, but it came with the apartment." Heero smirked at the picture of his slightly inebriated friend leaning on the open door of the fridge, going down a mental list of what he had discovered. //I'm glad he stayed.//
"Very funny, yuk, yuk, yuk. I don't know man, doesn't sound like it's much of a life. You ever go out? Have you dated anyone? Thought about going to school? I mean, what do you do with your spare time?"
"Not much really." Heero stopped to think, taking a sip of his beer. "I get up early, run to the park a couple of miles from here, work out a bit, run back, take a shower, go to work. I'm there all day, I come back around eight, take a shower, have some dinner and go to sleep. There's not much time for anything else."
"Alright well, what ever floats your boat."
"I don't have a boat."
"It's an expression Heero, you know, whatever makes you happy. Are ya' happy? I mean, here, with your life like this and all?" Once again facing into the fridge, Duo worried the corner of his lower lip, he was trying to take the conversation down a path Heero may not be willing to go. He hoped the casual ease between them would not suddenly disappear. This could backfire on him. There was silence and he was almost afraid to turn around, he didn't want to lose Heero again, didn't want to have to spend the next several months worrying about where he might be and if he was alright. Something had happened to him and everything he and the others had tried to do to find out turned up no solid answers, there had to be a way to get Heero to open up to them, to come back into their circle of friends.
Duo took in a quiet, deep breath and turned around, Heero's face might tell him what he was thinking.
~~~
'Are you happy?' The question kept repeating in his head. Was he happy? What did it mean to be happy? He thought he was happy once… but he didn't want to think about that.
*** ***
"I'm so glad you decided to stay Heero. You'll be happy here. And now that the war is over you can finally do whatever you want."
*** ***
Happiness. It had never mattered before. J never taught him about it, it wasn't a necessary skill to accomplish his tasks, no one ever told him what it would feel like. And if what he'd thought was happiness was it, he never wanted to feel that again. He'd thought for a while that happiness was being able to laugh, he'd done that and enjoyed it. For a while, not for long. Maybe he should ask, Duo seemed to know about this kind of stuff, Duo used to laugh all the time.
"I… I don't know Duo, what's it like? I mean you've pretty much always been happy, haven't you? Tell me what it's like. If you are, tell me, maybe then I could tell you if I'm happy or not?" He looked up briefly at his braided friend who turned to regard him then looked down at the bottle in his hands, ashamed that he couldn't answer so simple a question.
Duo was stunned, he wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, but it certainly wasn't this. How could his friend, this man sitting crossed legged on the floor of his own apartment look so small and child-like and ask such a sorrowfully wrenching question? His own experience with the kids at the center had not prepared him for the heart breaking sight of a twenty year old man who apparently really didn't know what happiness was. What could he do or say in a situation like this, what could he tell his friend that would alleviate the obvious pain and confusion in his countenance.
He approached Heero and lowered himself to sit across from him. He had to restrain himself from just throwing an arm around his blue-eyed friend to comfort him. But he was sure that if he did, his heart would finish breaking and he'd never be able to help him. He tried to organize his thoughts quickly, if he waited too long he might miss this opportunity and Heero might clam up again. His body calmed down and he steeled himself to speak.
"I… I guess I am, most the time. I haven't always been though. I was pretty much miserable all through the wars, yeah I may have joked and acted the fool but I hated what I was doing. Don't get me wrong, I knew I had to fight for the colonies even for that shit-hole L2. I really hated it though; the killing, the constant fighting and running, the hiding, pretending to be some normal teenager who just happened to waltz into a school one day then disappeared without a trace a week later. I was a ghost, I wasn't real. I'd been doing that all my life and I was damn good at it, but it didn't make me happy. Now… now things are different. I have a home. I'm doing something that I'm proud of, helping other people. I've got friends that I can spend time with and confide in, people that I don't need to keep up an act for. I've got a job that's rewarding. So yeah, I guess I am happy. But, I don't think Wufei would be very happy if he was in my shoes, and I know Trowa wouldn't cause he's told me he could never do what I do. Quatre, he's happy running his family's business and dabbling in politics and stuff, but that's something that would make me miserable. So you see, happiness is different for everyone, you have to find what it is that would make you happy and do that. What it is that you'd like to do, want to do even. Does that make any sense to you?"
He'd finished quietly, almost reverently, he wasn't sure his friend had heard or understood it all. He hoped.
They sat in silence for the longest time, each lost in their own thoughts. Heero's face had a pinched look to it and Duo discovered that his anxiety level was rising again. Maybe he'd said the wrong thing, maybe this is what was bothering Heero. In all his schooling and all his time at the center he'd never felt as helpless as he did now. This was his best friend and he obviously couldn't do a damned thing to help him. Suddenly the old adage came to him… the patient must want to be helped… did Heero want it? Or was it easier for him to just continue on day after day, alone, with no one to depend on, no one to complicate his life, with no one but himself to be responsible to or for.
No distractions, no commitments! Oh my God that's it. It used to be his mantra. Heero had often mumbled it when they'd spent time together during the wars, and almost always right after he'd chided the imperfect soldier for not being more friendly or sociable. That was it, but what to do about it. If he confronted Heero with what he thought, would the other run away again having had his secret discovered. No. He promised he wouldn't run. And just like him, his friend never blatantly lied.
"That's it, no distractions, no commitments." It slipped from Duo's lips without conscious thought, and the reaction it garnered was his confirmation. Heero's head had shot up at the softly spoken words. Shock clearly written across his features. If Duo had missed the mark, it hadn't been by much. "You're trying to push us away again. You're trying to shut down again. The war's over, Heero, the missions - they're over, I thought you'd realized that you didn't have to be that way anymore damn it! None of us do!"
"I DO!" Heero stood and turned his back to his friend, barely able to control his body's reactions. //No commitments// "I can't let that… //No distractions// I… I won't let myself… //No…// This is the only way for me!" //No…// His fists were tightly clenched at his sides and he was trembling, but whether with rage or fear, the other could not tell. //No emotions//
"Why? Heero, why? It's over. We can do what we want. For more than three years now, damn it. That's not the way it's supposed to be, people aren't supposed to live like that not like we did, not like you were forced to. We've earned this, we sacrificed so much, especially you, we gave up a big chunk of our lives for them, for everyone, for a cause and now, now it's our turn. We deserve to be happy, we deserve to live in peace, we deserve to be free, to be happy."
"No. Not me. I'm a murderer. A war monger. I don't know anything else. I can't live any other way. I don't… I don't belong here… I… I outlived my purpose." He'd said the last words very quietly, he hung his head in shame. //She was right.// This was what he'd been avoiding since he'd left. //She was right// This was the truth. //Useless//
NONONONONONO Duo grabbed Heero by the shoulders and spun him around, he was seething. "Who the hell sold you that load of shit! And what the hell kind of asshole are you for believing it!?!"
All the psychology he'd learned went out the window and what was left was an angry, protective, scared young man grasping at his last bits of sanity for fear that he might lose another one.
"If that's the case then we all deserve to die, to be locked away and never see the sun again. You, me, Quatre, Wufei, Trowa, Zechs, Noin, Sally, Une, and every last jackass that ever picked up a gun or hopped a mobile suit during the war. Hell, maybe we should execute Mariemeia, sure she was only like, what six? seven years old? Shit, she tried to take over the world, yeah OK, so it was her psycho grandfather's idea, but she went along with it! Right?
He was shaking his friend, "Damn, Heero, don't you see? That's what they wanted you to believe, that's why they tried to beat the emotions out of you. But you're not a machine, you're not a weapon, you're not a tool, not anymore. You're free damn it, FREE! You beat them. You outlasted the war, you outsmarted those old bastards and you survived. And it wasn't their training that made it possible, it was you! YOUR heart, YOUR soul, YOUR humanity; you're the heart and soul of outer space remember. It was your will to survive, your belief in your abilities, your strength of character, the beauty of what you were inside allowed you to fight and survive."
Heero just stood there shaking his head. He refused to believe it, Duo was wrong. He had to be wrong. He had no strength, how could he, he'd allowed… her… to use and ridicule him for years. If he'd had strength he would have stopped it. He turned away from his friend again. "You're wrong, Duo, that wasn't me, that was the training."
"God, no Heero! Why won't you believe me? They didn't GIVE you that, that's why they could never truly take it away from you. All they could do was try to bury it, but you were too strong to let it stay down. You were our hope, our beacon, you gave us all strength. Everyone knew it. That's why Zechs pursued you. That's why Trowa recovered what he thought was your dead body and then healed you. That's why Quatre was able to face and overcome the Zero System. That's why Sally sought you out. Even… even Relena, she…"
Oh shit! Heero had gone rigid again. "Oh God, I'm sorry! I promised, I didn't mean to, I'm sorry!" He grabbed his friend's wrist from behind, afraid that he might bolt again. "Heero, please, I didn't mean to bring her up, I know I promised, I just…" He hadn't moved yet, hadn't reacted. God help me, what have I done?
Her name was like a laser beam piercing through his eyes, straight into his brain, he froze, just barely conscious of the rushed apologies of the other. Searing, lancing pain suffused him, he couldn't think, could barely breathe, everything was falling apart and his body refused to cope. The words, the insults, the anger, the pain; it crippled him and his knees gave out. Crumpling to the floor like a rag doll he passed out.
~~~
Heero hadn't stirred in over two hours. He just lay there, breathing and doing not much else. Every once in a while, he would twitch a muscle, but other than that Duo had gotten no response from him. When he'd first fallen to the ground Duo couldn't think what to do. He'd dropped to the floor next to his friend, checking his pulse just to be sure he was still alive. He quickly put to use years of practice and made sure that his friend was in no immediate danger. He'd moved Heero's dead weight over to the futon, belatedly realizing that it opened out. Once he'd rearranged the unresponsive body and covered it with a light blanket he'd found in the closet he sat back to think.
Never in all his life had he seen anything like this. He'd seen some of his charges retreat mentally, but never with such a violent physical reaction. If that wasn't bad enough, this was Heero we were talking about. Heero. Mr. I can go for days without eating or sleeping, Mr. I bend steel with my bare hands, Mr. Self-Destruct and Survive. He made a mental note to himself to talk to Trowa and see if anything like this had happened while Heero'd been in his care all those years ago. Duo considered – and ruled out – the possibility of going out to his bike to retrieve his cell phone and make himself useful while his 'patient' rested, but he feared that Heero would wake in his absence and disappear. He sat for a moment and just looked at his friend, it was only then that he noticed the signs of distress, why hadn't he seen them before. Heero had grown a bit since the last time he'd seen him and was still wiry and lean, but there was a gauntness to his physique that Duo had never noticed before. His face, lax in its resting form, had a weary edge to its features.
He wondered again if maybe he should call one of the pilots but again discarded the idea. Trowa was the closest of them all and even he was a five-hour drive away. Instead he set about inspecting the contents of Heero's apartment, looking for clues to what could have caused his usually quiet and reserved friend to react so violently. Unfortunately, time passed slowly and he found nothing.
Not just nothing to clue him in, but literally nothing. In the kitchen there was scarcely any food, a few protein shakes, some ramen noodles and not much else; he had two sets of chopsticks, which they'd used for dinner, one knife, one bowl, one frying pan, one plate, one cup, one, one, one, one. One everything. In the closet he found that Heero had only two pairs of shoes and a few articles of clothes, none of which were even remotely new. Other than that there was nothing there, the same old duffle bag he'd had for years, a battered old laptop that didn't seem to want to boot up, a set of sheets for the bed and a pillow. There were no books, no pictures, no mementos. A cursory search of the bathroom yielded just about the same, a toothbrush, a razor, some soap and shampoo, a hairbrush, a comb, a bottle of aspirin, a towel and a floor mat. He thought about his own place and all the junk he'd accumulated in the last three years. Granted he'd become a bit of a pack rat, living on the streets when you're young makes you want to hold on to the strangest things since you never know when you might need them. But this, this was ridiculous, even Trowa, who'd never been in one place for too long and still had a tendency to live 'light', had fifty times more stuff than Heero.
He'd carried on a running commentary all along, asking his friend what had brought him to this situation, wondering aloud why he'd run off and not told the others where he was going, asking what he planned to do with his life, telling him how after their previous meeting he and the other pilots had finally realized that things had not been going as well as they'd been led to believe, apologizing for not being a good enough friend to have noticed earlier and vowing never to let it happen again.
Eventually he ran out of places to investigate. He'd thoroughly searched the kitchen cabinets, the fridge, the freezer, the closet, the bathroom and the main room twice but his friend still lay unresponsive. Figuring that there wasn't much else to do but hunker down and wait, he grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat down at the head of the futon.
"Well buddy, since you didn't get a chance to ask, let me tell you what I've been doing with my life. We haven't really had a chance to talk in a while, what with you not making the old pilot reunions lately. Aside from spending the majority of my non-working waking hours either on line or on the phone with Trowa looking for you, I've been teaching at this place called… oh wait, you don't know do you? Maybe I should start at the beginning. I'll give you the short version – not that you seem too interested in going anywhere but – well why bore myself, ne?"
"OK, let's see, uh, war's over and everybody goes their separate ways, right. Me, I go hang with Howard for a few weeks, seeing as I owed the guy a lot for helping me out and stuff. One day, we're talking to this friend of his on L2 and who pops up in the background of the vid screen but Hilde. So I say hi and we get to talking and she says she really wishes I'd come back to L2 and help her out with the scrap yard like I had during the war. So I tell her I'll think about it and well, a month later I'm L2 bound. Working with her was fun, kinda like old times, only no arguing with White Fang guys and no OZ weirdos showing up with Wing Zero. But, you know me, I get bored fast. So she signs me up for some night classes at the community college. I think she just wanted to get me out of her hair for a few hours a couple nights a week. Strange thing is, I really liked it."
"Before I know it, I'm a full time student, majoring in education, with a minor in psychology and adolescent behaviors. I got myself a mentor of sorts, some old guy that could'a been Howard's brother, only thing missing on this guy was the shirt and the sandals. I take what classes I can there, finishing quicker than what's usual, when the old guy tells me that he's got a colleague on earth doing some research in my field of study and would I like to go to school there and work for the guy while I'm finishing up. Not one to look a gift stipend in the mouth, I say yes. So now I'm on my way planet-side again."
"Pretty sweet deal it turns out, too. I'm getting paid 800 credits a month – not much I'll admit – but I'm living at the guy's house and school and work are no more than a ten minute rail ride away and I've got me a 50 credit a month rail pass. Then when I'm almost finished up with my classes, the director at the center where I've been working tells me she wants to hire me as soon as I graduate seeing as I'm really good with the kids and the other counselors like me too. Here's the kicker. For the first six months you get House Duty, it's kind of like an internship. That means, you work your regular 8 to 5 job, you're on duty one night during the week and one whole day on the weekend, they pay you – 800 a week no less - and I get to live at the center. Well, shit, I say to myself, six months at 3200 credits a month and I've got myself plenty for a down payment on a little place for myself and maybe enough to buy some wheels."
"So that's where I'm at now. Once every three months, I do a seven-by-twenty-four stint at the center and the rest of the time I teach and do counseling. It's incredible, Heero, I never would have imagined five years ago that I'd be doing this kind of stuff. I'm really making a difference too Heero, there's a couple of kids there that have really come into their own and I think its partly because of me."
"Actually, you know, that's why I was looking for you a few months ago. I wanted you to go to my graduation. The guys had already said they'd come but I really wanted you there too. I thought you'd be proud of me, you know, I was the last one. You and the other guys all had real jobs and were doing fine for yourselves, me I was still being a kid kind'a, not having settled down and all. I wanted to make you proud. Are you proud of me Heero? Cause I'd really like that, you know."
He was about to get up to throw out his now empty beer bottle and stretch his legs a bit when a sound came from the body next to him. He practically vaulted over the prone figure, landing in a crouch on the floor beside him. "Heero?" He tentatively reached out to grab his shoulder.
"I am. Very proud of you Duo."
He was so happy he didn't know what to do with himself. He hugged the boy on the bed next to him then jumped up. "Don't go anywhere. Wait. I'll uh, I'll get you something to drink." Half way to the fridge he stopped and scurried back. "Wait, no. Are you, are you OK. Do you need anything? A protein drink, that'll help you liven up." He was just about to bolt for the fridge again when he was stopped by an iron grip on his wrist.
"Yes."
"Yes? Oh! Uh, yes you're OK or yes you need something?"
"Yes I need some aspirin."
"Aspirin. Right. Aspirin. Bathroom. You got a headache?"
"Soon."
"Soon? Look you either got a headache or you don't." He turned towards the bathroom.
"Duo"
Halfway through the turn he stopped. "Yes, Heero?"
"You talk too much."
The grin that spread across the braided man's face was something to behold. Anyone seeing it would have thought he'd just been told the most wonderful news of his life. "Maaan, you don't know how happy I am to hear you say that!" He went to the bathroom and retrieved the aspirin bottle, then headed to the kitchen for the rest of what he'd need. "Now that's the Heero I know. Good Lord, you know you scared the shit outta me when you dropped on the floor like that. Damn, I thought for sure you'd had a heart attack. And here I'm thinking how the hell am I gonna get you to a hospital on the back of my bike – not that I know where the hospitals are mind you. Of course, I could'a called for an ambulance, but then, you've got no phone, do ya'? And I was too afraid to leave you here by yourself cause..."
"Duo"
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Shut up." He returned to his friend's side. Heero still hadn't sat up and Duo noticed belatedly that he'd rolled onto his side even before he'd started speaking. Hm, maybe while I was talking to him Looking down he met the sad gaze of his long time friend and offered him a little smile in return. "I'll shut up now, I promise."
"No Duo. Thank you."
"Huh, what for, almost giving you a headache?"
"No. For… for finding me."
"Hey, no problem man, what are friends for, right?"
Red skies at night, sailors delight!Owari.
[1] The Knitting Club: Gossipy old ladies. 'Nuff said?
More AN: I just wanted to take a moment to say something. I took a little heat for making Relena a bit bitchy in Red Skies at Morning. Let me just say that I'm not a Relena-hater. But I think that it's entirely possible that Relena could turn out the way she did for the very reasons given in this story. I've seen it happen to people and since we really don't know how any of the characters would have turned out, I consider this one possibility. By the same token it's also possible that Heero, who was nearly a total social-inept in the series could also, under the wrong guidance, turn out as I've portrayed him. If I've offended you, then I'm sorry; but I stand by my choice of characterization.
Thanks for reading and listening. Let me know what you think, good or bad. All I ask is that you be polite, honesty does not preclude civility.
BM
badmomma64@aol.com