If Only We Could Go Back
A/N: I don't know the beautiful characters of Merlin or Arthur…Technically; they belong to everyone as many believe them to be historical figures. However, if they are myth then allow me to curtsy to the original author because the story of King Arthur and Merlin has survived for centuries! I am taking ideas for the BBC version here.
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Even after how I treated hi, in the past and how I reacted to him when he revealed his huge life altering secret, he was still determined to save my life.
As my strength was slowing leaving me, I thought about all he had done for me, endured because of me and my family, lost because of me and my beliefs. I thought about him, my manservant through circumstance, my friend…no my best friend choice…Merlin. My Merlin! I know that the past ten years would have been unbearable without his aide, his unwavering loyalty and friendship, his wisdom and (now that I know) without his magic I would not have even made it to this day.
As I think back about everything we have been through together; I am coming to realize that while I did do things to try and gain my father's love and praise; what was always more important to me was trying to match myself to the man that Merlin always saw me as. I have long come to the conclusion that I hated disappointing Merlin more than my father. Even as I married Gwen, he stood with me. He talked me into forgiving her, he was one of the few who respected my choice and even encouraged me to do so.
I am coming to the end of my life. I don't believe he will be able to save me no matter how powerful he is or how hard he tries. As I have come to accept my death; I realize that I would rather have no one else here beside me during this time, not my knights, my councillors, Gaius, not even Gwen. For while I do love my wife I am not, nor do I think I have every truly been in love with her the way that Lancelot had. I now can admit that my feelings for Merlin are so much more. I don't even know but I wonder and hope that he feels the same way towards me. I think he does; after all, why else would he have stayed and put up with so much. Oh, if only I could repeat the past ten years all over again. I would do so many things differently, both with Merlin and even with Morgana. Somehow, life just wasn't very fair.
"Arthur? Arthur, can you hear me?" Merlin's worried voice breaks into my thoughts.
"Yes, Merlin, I can hear you," I smile and say slowly because of the pain and exhaustion I'm feeling. I love hearing his voice but the sadness in it worries me. I don't want him to feel bad about my death.
"Just…Just hold on. Please hold on. We should be there soon. Then everything will be alright," he is pleading with me. He still has hope to save me but I know it's to late.
As I turn to tell him so, Morgana emerges from the surrounding forest. I try to focus on what she's saying but everything is starting to going in and out of focus. I know that I spoke to her; however, I can't quite remember exactly what I said as I am trying to maintain my focus on Merlin who was sneaking up behind her and knowing I can't help him but hoping that he'll be alright all the same. The next thing I know is my sword is being driven into Morgana (who for a second just looks down and laughs).
"No mortal blade can kill me," Morgana sneers at Merlin.
In a strong and unwavering voice that I have never heard him use before, I hear him say, "This is no mortal blade. Like the one Mordred used it was also forged by dragon's breath." And as he spoke I noticed that Morgana had started looking paler. Once Merlin was done speaking Morgana was no more.
'I'm sorry Arthur, so sorry. I had to she would have killed you."
While I do mourn my sister's death (I do so in memory of the girl I grew with rather than the woman she became through hatred), I am so proud of the man I realize that I have loved for years. He is looking at me with fear and I know it is because he was the one that killed my sister turned enemy. I know that I have to let him know that everything is fine and to try and tell him how I truly feel.
So with as much energy as I can I try to pull myself into a sitting position and tell him, "You did it. We're free now. Thank you"
"Come on Arthur, its just over the next hill now," he smiles but I can see the tears in his eyes threatening to fall.
I try with everything left in me; however, when I go down, I know this is it. We talk and I am at war with myself. I want to tell him I love him (and I hope he says it back), yet I am not sure that I should. I don't want him over thinking it or not being able to move forward if he love me back.
"Hold me, Merlin. Please just hold me." As he his holding me tightly in his arms, I am enjoying what I know are my final moment, exactly where I want to be.
"Please, Arthur! Please, don't leave me. I don't know what to do without you. I love you," he sobs.
"Merlin, I …I love you to. I wish…I wish that things had been different. We could have been amazing together."
"We are amazing together…we are." He has a small smile. I try to put my hand to the back of his head to pull him down for a kiss but I don't have the energy. He seems to understand what I wanted and leans down and places a soft sweet kiss to my lips.
"I love you, Merlin. Don't every change." Those were my final words to him as after that I couldn't move anything anymore. I hear and see him call the Great Dragon, of the ride to the lake, of him placing my body into the boat, kissing me, pushing my body out onto the lake. I can also see him crying himself sick.
NOTE: well what do you think and should I continue?