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Hehe… I never thought about being happy, especially when I began to realise and let myself go.
Who? No, not him. Don't get me wrong! I love him and he is lovely, but I'm not the one for him. Well, he could have been, but my heart and feelings didn't reciprocate him. We ended our bond awfully and badly, partly because of my fault. It's true, so much so that I wished that I did love him. But I don't regret my decision to love the person I had come to realise, always proclaiming her love aloud, up on the hill, top of the roofs and even at the edge of a cliff.
Yes, it's her, the girl whom I had saved and gave my first kiss away. Although I tried to think it didn't count, I still remembered her lips. I was in denial and distracted when I found a mark on my chest. My only thoughts were how it happened and assumed it was her doing. Then things happened so fast, my emotions going on a ride and wildly all over the place, jumping into the arms of almost anyone to comfort me. I'll admit, I'm not strong, but when you lose someone important and precious to you, it really sends you down. All I could do was fuel myself with rage and be angry about everything and everybody, especially her.
Boy was I wrong, she didn't know who to trust, who to believe, who to hang on, and finally let herself obey her brother, her only family. I'm the opposite of her somewhat. I trust too easily, believe them, and when I let myself go into a spiral, I clung onto anyone. I know their attraction and feelings for me, but at that time, my only thought was the loss of my brother. I would be embraced in their arms, strong, gentle, kind, and frail, men or women, you name it. Haha… It must be because of the way I embrace my friends so easily, and despite their protest, it was my way of thanks.
Anyway, that's not it, you want to know what makes me happy right? Well I can't answer that easily, because I had hurt his feelings, while she tried to smile and be happy for me. Yes, I dated Yuuichi, because he was charming and sweet once you have known him. I was comfortable in his arms, but safe and happy, not really. I really didn't know why, but I forced myself to. After all, we're in love, right? Or so I said to myself.
Then, Yuuichi wanted to take our relationship seriously, starting with a kiss, but I declined and said I wanted to be able to trust him. Was it because I wanted control or respect? I'm a girl, I have feelings that I want to pass it on when I have that special someone in my heart. A kiss, a touch, or even further than that, requires great trust and mutual bond. I don't want to toy around with his feelings, and yet I did. He kept telling me that whatever he did, didn't reach me, and he was right.
I had been thinking about her almost all the time when I don't see her. Was she sleeping all right, had she eaten, had she bathed and washed her hair? It really is being overbearing, but I can't put it away. It just sticks into me and nothing else mattered. I felt so awful for doing that to Yuuichi. He has been trying a lot to show his affections, but none it reached me. I would end up comparing so many things he did to her. Sure, she's younger than me by two years, but I would always smile and feel myself being lifted, happy and full of joy when she's around me.
Mikoto… Hehe~, the name is lovely on my tongue, and just as I said it, she would come out of nowhere and wrap her arms around me. Her merry laughs, lively golden-eyes, bouncing twin-braids and wonderful smile; warmed me up, and I was so sure it was like love, but not anywhere near it. She knew about me dating Yuuichi, and she would support me and smile broadly. Yet, that smile was not the same as it was when she ate what I cooked or be with me.
I didn't think much about it then, and I was happy that she was happy for me. And when I got the chance to be with him with little doubts in my heart, somehow, I wasn't happy. Yuuichi knew what I liked, and showered with gifts and dates that I actually had fun and liked. However, it didn't still the anxiety in me, and flashed me with images of Mikoto, bouncing happily in her own world, her hand taking mine. I asked myself, why do I constantly worry for her? She's a growing girl that I must respect, even if I'm fond with her innocent and childlike behaviour.
Oh my… There I go again about Mikoto. Haha, I'm sorry, I really can't get her out of mind, and I don't regret it, because she really does make me happy. The way she embraced me, her head between my breasts, her laugh that lights my world and trouble, and her golden eyes gazing at me with so much life… and love. I found that out when I had spoken my problems to Mikoto. Believe me, I didn't expect her to let me go easily, smiling and telling me that I should kiss her to find out a lot of things. I definitely did, and it was the best sudden kiss I had with her, but it was so short that I didn't notice the tears in her eyes.
Mikoto said that I shouldn't worry about her, because I know who I truly love that makes me happy. I didn't, and she vanished before I could stop her. I was surprised, shocked and infuriated that she did that stunt on me. But as I touched my lips, the faint scent of her lips and presence, lingered around me. Then I felt devoid of life, a devoid different when I was a HiMe. It's like, when she's gone, so was my heart that I never knew had given to her. Did Mikoto know all along and did this to me? For me to be precise, you'll know why later.
Right after, she's gone, Yuuichi confessed that he still loves me, but I was not in the right state mind to answer. I said that I needed time to understand what's with me. He agreed, but I have to kiss him. So I did anyway, just to get things over with. Then I realised, when his lips touched mine, I would remember Mikoto's lips. Her golden-eyes that adored and loved me as she kissed me, and her many shouts of love for me. I pushed him away, sharing a few seconds of kiss compared to Mikoto, sobbing and crying as I ran away from him without a word.
I hurt him there, but my thoughts were in a scramble. All I could do was cry and frustrate myself as my thoughts revolved around Mikoto. Why her of all people, why not Yuuichi whom I really loved? That's when it got into my head, loved, not love for Yuuichi. I stopped my cries and mediate myself to this turmoil of emotions. Starting with my memories with Yuuichi, and then Mikoto. I don't know why, but I felt this necessity to solve my conflict immediately. As if, Mikoto was going to vanish entirely with every second I waste.
What struck and made me weeps and cry, was Mikoto, and less about Yuuichi. She has made an impact in my life, and in turn, she did unexpected things to cheer me up with the simplest of things. Each time I would feel down, she would be there and look me in the eyes, talking to me with a happy voice that slowly poured happiness into me. I don't know how she does it, but it made me believe that Mikoto have seen things much worse than I do.
Either way, that's when I resolved myself to find Mikoto again, forgetting about Yuuichi and hurting him in the process again. I wish I could make everyone happy, but it was Mikoto that made me happy. I know deep in my heart that I was too late to find Mikoto, and could have settled for Yuuichi, but it just doesn't work that way. Not when I realise how alive I felt to simply find and go after her, and my heart beating even faster than I had kissed Yuuichi or being around him. I smiled as tears fell from eyes, happiness and joy brewing into me, as the fleeting image of me and her sharing a laugh and meal at the dining table, surged into my mind.
That's what I want, I know what I want, but does Mikoto accept it after I finally realise my happiness? Regardless, my first priority was to find her, and I know where she'll be, I think. I tried the docks first; she would find comfort where there's a sea to look at. She wasn't there, and then I tried the parks, where she would be playing with stray cats or resting on the branches of the trees. She wasn't there either, and I looked for her at the playgrounds, where she would hide most of the time.
She was nowhere, and I began to lose hope, tired and falling on my knees as I sobbed. Then, a cat's mewl caught my attention, I turned to look at it, staring at me with its golden-eyes. It mewled at me again, and like a call from the distance. I heard Mikoto's voice.
"I love Mai!"
I shook my head and slapped my palms to my face, wondering if I was hallucinating or dreaming from all my emotions drained out.
"I love Mai!"
I heard it again, shaking my head as I closed my eyes shut, covering my ears to silence my insanity. I didn't want to hear her anymore. What's the point of hearing her voice if I can't see her, touch her, hold her and… kiss her. I sobbed and cried, knowing it was my fault that I took happiness for granted, and love as a conduit. I've played his feelings, and ignored what was precious and close to my heart that offered me happiness many times.
A soft lick near my knee caught my attention, blinking my eyes open with tears falling down. I see a cat near my side, licking at my knee again as if to soothe my sorrows. It only fuelled my sorrows further, as I remembered the time I hurt my hands during work, and Mikoto, just like the cat, would lick my wounds with a gentle kiss. How stupid I was not to notice her romantic affection, and how brave and selfless of her to shut out her feelings for me. My memories warped me to recall everything about Mikoto, and I fell silent as the cut nuzzled against me.
After a while, I couldn't cry anymore, what's past is past, I thought. I looked down at the cat with black fur, mewling at me, as if to cheer up. I smiled weakly and scratched the cat's neck, thanking it for caring a girl like me. The cat was so much like Mikoto, cheering me up with the simplest things. I talked to the cat, and called it Mikoto, despite not knowing its name and referred it as her.
I wanted to keep her, never wanting to forget what was truly precious to me, but the cat went away from me and mewled at me. I tilted my head with a puzzled look, and she mewled once more as she head off into a direction. I decided to follow her that late night. Not all cats are evil, and there's a myth that cats often bring luck. I didn't think luck would brought me to her.
"I love Mai!"
There it is again, as I followed the cat and nearly tripped over with a half-delirious look. The cat meowed at me again, as if to ask me to follow. And I did without a second thought, my hands shaking as I clasped them together.
"I love Mai!"
That voice, it was her, it is her, and I wanted to run to catch that voice, but I stilled myself and followed the cat instead. The echo repeating over and over again, each time bringing emotions of sorrow and pain, louder, and then slightly loud. I know and was very sure that it was her voice, the voice that always yelled my name from the very top of her lungs. I shuddered each time it grew softer, wondering if she was going to disappear once the silence fell. I don't know where the cat was leading me, but the echo came from the direction to where the cat was heading.
My breath hitched in anticipation, following the cat through the alleyways, detours, tunnels and finally, I was at the top of a hill, overlooking the city. I looked around, and she wasn't there, my breath falling back to normal with a heavy and mournful sigh. The cat still went on though, but I felt the need to follow her, tired of my constant sadness and maybe she will lead me to a place to rest.
"I… love… Mai…"
I heard it… I definitely heard it, no longer an echo, but a voice that was hoarse from so much shouting. I stiffly turned my head to look, and there, stood the girl that was trying her best to let go of me, shouting again with her hoarse voice. I stood there stunned and let my tears fall again, watching her as she smiled with her cheeks stained with tears and eyes bloodshot from crying. She didn't give up on me for a long time, and now, she's trying to, for my happiness.
The cat that I followed, went up and nuzzled her leg, drawing her attention to the cat, and at the same time, me. I couldn't say anything, she was beautiful, standing there in the moonlight with her braids loose and golden-eyes gazing at me with shock. Hmhm, it was as if, the poetry is standing before you, no words required. Yuuichi had tried to read me poetries, it was sweet, but it didn't attach to me long enough. Mikoto didn't require to read me poetries, but to look at me, hold me, touch me, embrace me and love me. I wish I knew what to say, but I don't and resulted in a stare down.
The soft winds gently blowing at the both us, and I was sure I smelled the faint scent of Mikoto's fragrance. That was when my bravery came over me. I want her, I love her, and I have to return and answer her feelings, because she had done it all already. So, I walked towards her as she stepped away, pressing her back against the fence in protest and telling me to go away. I didn't, and allowed whatever to happen, happen. Her feet were shaking and ready to run, but I quickened my steps and put my hands beside her, grasping on the fence with my lips kissing hers.
At last, I was done with my doubts, as my lips met hers and saw petals of lights for a blinking moment. My stomach and entire body coiling, twisting and fluttering, as if butterflies and fairies roamed around my body. Mikoto pulled away and tried to push me, but I wrapped and tangled my hands into her hair and kissed her fiercely. I felt tears falling from our cheeks, and tasted hers and mine as we kissed, hesitantly returning mine, and eventually fiercer. We were both crying, and we couldn't speak but whisper our reciprocated, longing and suppressed feelings between kisses and breaths.
I held her in my arms that night, on the top of the hill that overlooked the city. My eyes gazing into hers and her eyes gazing into mine with a flicker of confusion. She said that I wouldn't be happy with her, and that my persistence to keep her would hurt us both. She was right, but I told her that what good is love if I wasn't happy with person I want to be with. She gave me a weak smile and said, anyone could have made me happy. I shook my head, and told her that she has always made me happy the best she can from the moment we met.
She shook her head and answered that she could never make anyone happy compared to me. And if she were to stay, I would only direct that happiness to her instead of someone else, and that could have been my lover too. I smiled and kissed her again, her selfless reasoning already swooned me over, as if she was courting me but not. I answered, there's a fine line of happiness to share with others, but hers was what mattered to me the most. So, I took her hand and placed them on my beating chest. This heart of mine received your happiness, and I can't bear to have it come from someone else. Never mind that I can make other's happy, but I and my heart wants you.
She stared at me with disbelief. I could understand why after she had tried so hard to let me go. She sighed and looked at me with a flicker of love and anxiety. She loves me, she said, but do I really understand her heart that yearned for mine. Every time she proclaimed her love to me, I would think of it less but an affection for me. She was right, and I held her still as she tried to push me away, embracing her in my arms as she weakly hit my chest. For so long as she grew up, she came to love me, but she suppressed it the best she can, because she did not want to burden my heart with the one I love.
That night, I held her tight in my arms and let her hit my chest, hurting me with small spikes of guilt and blindness for turning away her feelings as she confessed. When she stopped, I still held her in my arms; firmly looking to her eyes as my heart beat again. She was looking at me as I was looking at her, our silence filling the air. Suddenly, we kissed again, gentle and passionate as our eyes met and gaze with adoration and love. I felt like rocketing into the sky and bringing her with me. My happiness was soaring, and so was hers ever so slowly. I want to mend her heart, to return the happiness she had given to me.
Reality came back to us, as our breaths mixed and sucked in air for our lungs. Foreheads connected as I kept my eyes on hers. I whispered to her, Mikoto, you've made me happy whenever I'm down. You're selfless and let my heart be, never knowing that I didn't understand what I want. And when I did, I want you, I need you, I love you, but if you're heart seeks to let me go. I gently let her go, and held her hands into mine. Then please, I will never forget about you, I added. She gazed at her hands and mine, her silence frightening me, but I refused to show it as my heart thud loudly against my chest.
For an eternity, she turned her golden-eyes up with a soft gaze, glazed with sorrow and hope. She wanted to try again, and that her feelings were all over the place ever since I arrived. I knew it was my fault, and cupped a hand to her cheek. I told her that I had taken the happiness for granted, and never considered it with respect for her. This time, I will be the one to make her happy. She smiled ever so wonderfully and pecked my lips. We will be happy, because we're together and that we love each other, she reprimanded lovingly. I smiled back and knew that this is something I should not break, that I should value and protect it, return the happiness and myself too.
That was my best memory and moment with her, and slowly, our happiness grew; from one happiness, into two, and then three into ten. Hehe… we were both stubborn and often got into arguments, all because we wanted to make each other happy, but I don't doubt or regret my choice. I've never been happier, to finally do understand and know what my happiness is, but there were times I had other desires. They don't compare to Mikoto however.
As for Yuuichi, I had to confess to him, I didn't want to trap him because of my cluelessness. He was distraught, angry and then mad at me. He had the right to do so. Who would put up with a girl like me if I'm not sure with what I want. He started to call me names, and I took it firmly, let him dish out all the pain I had done. Then he gave up and simply went off. I wanted to reach out and apologise, but I knew it would be useless, and found myself upset and disappointed about myself.
I tried to hide it from Mikoto, but she saw through me and took my hands in hers, guiding me to sit down beside her. I sighed and was afraid to tell her, but it would be wrong not to when she had given me so much. As I spoke my tale about Yuuichi, she had this thoughtful look on her face, and it was cute that I wanted kiss her cheek. I'd rather not, yet… as it would look like I'm taking advantage of her in the midst of my problems.
Then she looked at me with a wide grin and said, I know what to do, but give it time. I looked at her with a puzzled expression and asked what she was going to do, but she silenced my lips with a gentle kiss. The question fell off my mind when her lips touched mine, soaring with bliss and happiness once more. It could have been another eternity until she left my lips, looking at me with a blissful smile that I returned it too. I nodded my head and trust her, and she wrapped me into her arms and pulled my head to her chest.
There, I sighed contentedly in her embrace, and despite her fair breasts. Mikoto was the essence of life, mountain and sky, as if Mother Nature was embracing me. My nose taking in the scent of her constant adventures, and long hours of basking in the sun during work. Yes, she worked a lot at the dojos to do chores and helped me with the rent of my apartment.
I was in college and had a bedroom for two or three people. It was a family apartment, but I needed it desperately since the college was near. Mikoto had always helped me even then, and she couldn't enter college because she lacked legal identity. Of course, Shizuru and Natsuki helped Mikoto on that one to stay in the country, but still unable to attend college. Regardless, I thanked them so much that I had them wrapped and spinning around in my arms. It turns out that I was obvious to my affection and love for Mikoto, and I couldn't have felt even more better and happier. Except, Yuuichi still worries me, but I believe in Mikoto and try my best to smile and be happy.
That's when the test of things came. Exams were coming and I have to study, but my rent was taking over the bill required. I was anxious, and Mikoto would come around with her hands on my shoulders, telling me that I should concentrate on my exams. She would work twice as hard and look for more work, but I didn't like it. She kissed my lips and said that she'll be fine, because she knew that I would find something more unexpected.
That puzzled me and made me sigh, and I knew Mikoto was caring for me regardless of her health. I'd rather work myself, but I felt like this test is the minority of things, and yet not. Still, Mikoto knows when to stop and take break. So I relented and let her help me. It didn't make me any comfortable, but it was huge lift off my burdens. I won't make her efforts in vein as I studied to my hardest, and maybe even reward her.
Thankfully, the rent was paid and my exams finished, now I have to wait for the results. Mikoto wanted me to go with her on a small trip during the break. It wasn't anywhere far, but to the very place where we reciprocated our feelings and kisses. The thought of it made me blush and we enjoyed our time there in the morning, but I sensed something underlying as Mikoto grinned at me.
When we got there, the scenery that I thought no one had come across whisked me away. The city was just beyond the hill and overlooking at them. The mirrors reflecting the sky and light amongst the buildings of different sizes and heights, as coloured roofs painted spots on the landscape. It was like seeing two worlds of the landscape above and the landscape below, connected together in random areas. But I was not an artist to understand the value of this scenery, and I'm pretty sure Mikoto isn't into art and would rather observe them.
She pulled me across the hill and sat down on the particular spot where we had kissed and reciprocated our feelings, and where she had shouted her love for me many times. I turned to her with a curious look and she grinned at me with a giggle. She said that this place had different types of people looking at the scenery. But what was very special to this scenery to her and the people that had shared her this, was to count your blessings or wishes.
That really puzzled and intrigued me, and I asked her how do you do it. She pointed to one of the buildings and told me to look at one of the mirrors, and say out whatever it is that you think or feel. It was somewhat unconvincing, but I did it anyway and looked at the apartments' windows. The first thing that came across my mind was that I wanted to be happy, and not be clueless to what I want in my heart, mind and soul. As I said that aloud, Mikoto pointed at the sky and shout what I had said in a short form.
I blushed and said it was embarrassing to do it, especially to people who might have heard it. Mikoto laughed and squeezed my hand, she said that this place has a certain magic, try it, she insisted. I thought about it for a few seconds, and then I nodded my head because I trust her and was curious. I shouted, "Don't Screw Up!" and my voice boomed across the sky. I squeaked and jumped in surprise, my voice couldn't have been that impossibly loud. I blushed furiously and covered my face, groaning with embarrassment as Mikoto laughed beside me.
Then, Mikoto took my hands away and I glared at her. She grinned and said to listen carefully. So I did, sitting upright and waited to hear whatever it was she told me to listen. It took a few minutes, and I definitely heard it, the wind howling at my ears and whispering to me in the most passive, yet sure shout, "Don't Screw Up!" I blinked my eyes as I gasped in awe, turning my head to Mikoto with my mouth agape. She laughed and laid back on the grass, leaving me confused and staring at her with wonder. What was that? I shouted with definite awe.
Mikoto grinned and gently pulled my hand to lay back on the grass. Now we wait and let the wind end, she said. I was still puzzled and confused, but I replied with a stuttering okay. Awhile later, I fell into a daze, my head on her chest with her heart beating next to my ears. I hummed blissfully and squeezed her intertwined hand, and she giggled softly as she caressed my hair. The wind was mysterious, it's a different kind of wind, caressing me and pushing me closer to her with each gentle howl. I couldn't understand all of this, and it didn't matter.
I asked her what does it all mean, this strange phenomenon that embraced us both. She answered, every day you'll seek something you want, whether its happiness, love, ambition or anything. There'll be the day where you'll have it, and you don't know if it was right or worth it. The echo will repeat what you have said. It's your voice, but a different 'person'. There's nothing to understand, except for yourself to find out.
Her answer surprised and made me feel safe. As if she was subtly telling me something to make me feel assuredly happy despite what may come upon us. Although I'm not so certain about that, and it could have been just my feelings. The wind made me feel cold and colder, making me snuggle closer to Mikoto as she wrapped her arms around me. Her hand caressing my arm, while the other holding my waist. It was the gentlest and warmest embrace that made me lull into sleep. Another memory, moment and happiness we shared together.
When my results came, I scored fairly well, but my teachers were not too happy about it. Somehow, I couldn't be bothered about the results, but to look at my efforts and work one more time. I decided to recall all my sessions studying, putting my utmost effort from days until nights. I smiled as Mikoto would come over to check on me, gently putting her hand on my shoulder with a soft squeeze to not disturb me. It was such an assuring and supporting feeling that made me work even harder. It's too bad that my teachers weren't happy with my results, but Mikoto knew a lot about my efforts.
As I showed her my results to Mikoto, she jumped and hugged me with joy, praising me with love and congratulations. That was all that mattered to me. I'm going to graduate from college, and although I don't have great certificates or degrees to look for an excellent job. I'm proud and she is proud of me because I choose to work hard for a couple of letters and papers. I'm supposed to be upset, furious and throwing a tantrum for an average success, but what for when I know must stand up again and continue to look forward.
Mikoto grinned at me and said, that's the Mai I like and love. I couldn't be more happier and boastful of my average success, which in reality may not get me much. Then I understood why Mikoto would always stay happy, even when she couldn't get into college or international martial arts tournament. She's a great fighter and swordswoman, but she didn't have any certificate or proof to enter the tournament. They would see her as a girl that lacked any proof or body of an athlete, turning her down despite my friends and I protest and vouch for her.
She eventually gave up on the tournament and stopped us. She smiled broadly and told us that she had found something she really wants to do. My friends and I were unconvinced, so she dragged us to a spot where people were training on their kicks and punches with their partners. She said this dojo needed someone that can hike the mountains and drag large objects back to their dojo. That really shocked us, and she told us that she wanted to be a chore member for dojos.
My friends were adamant to let her take that occupation, but when I looked into her eyes, she would not be persuaded. It was really what she wanted to do, and they never understood why. I did though, she would stare and look at the children training so hard, and she would smile when they succeeded their techniques. It's like she's the teacher in spectator, just observing without teaching, and being there for them in their efforts. She would always be happy when they work hard and encourage them to stand up and try again when they fail.
She once told me that a group of people were not convinced with her, and attacked her with utter failure. The grandmaster of the dojos she worked with, knew about her, thanks to Alyssa and Miyu's recommendations. When they saw her, they immediately agreed to take her, because she radiated an aura that outshines in the deep darkness. They wanted her to be the teacher, as they were too old to do so, and the young ones would not see to their discipline and tradition.
Mikoto laughed and declined their offer and instead, she would be their dojos' chore member. That shocked the grandmasters too, telling her that her potential and would be wasted. She disagreed with them, and said that she has someone she loves. To support them is to watch them, and give the littlest praise or scolding. They won't understand their motives and wants because they choose to press on without understanding what it is they want. She wants to be their shadow and pitfall, where their pride and dignity will be hurt from a chore member and a girl.
The grandmasters were in deep thought of her answer, leaving them mixed in between convinced and unconvinced. They agreed and decided to test her, since she was so confident of her answer. They were not disappointed with how Mikoto handled their students. She was there but not, pushing them but not guiding them, showing them the way but not teaching them. Kids loved her, adults admired her, and some others disliked her. A few would drop out because of their behaviour, and some others would rise with blossomed spirits. The grandmasters were pleased with her, and because she's their chore member, they would pay her.
It was definitely a sneaky move from Mikoto, but she earned fairly well to live by. I was worried that she might be have overworked herself, but it was needless. I blushed, as I knew and joined the two things together. Mikoto watching the students was like watching me fight against my own life problems. She had and have always been watching till this day, except I'm very special to her. It made soar with happiness and joy to be the one for her.
Perhaps that's why she never was worried about others flaunting at her with their success, and berating her for not being any better. How wrong they were when she knew better, and simple smiled and praised their success. While I like her humbleness, I really wanted to tear at them, but it wasn't necessary. Somehow, their karma had turned their world upside them. She would occasionally see them in their poverty, but never humiliate them. She would approach and give them food, water or friendship. They would cry, hate or run from her, and she would never hold a grudge against them.
Mikoto is the most wonderful girl for everyone, and me. There are times where she would be annoying or bratty, but she did it to amuse or distract anyone or me. No, she's not a magician or a goddess, she's just a girl that is herself. She would do what her heart tells her beast, and follow it with all her might. She understood herself better and said it was because of me. I asked how and what, as I never really noticed that.
She would kiss the back of my hand and then between the heels of my palms. I blushed and fluttered my eyes as I shyly looked at her. She pulled my hands to her cheeks and I reflexively cupped them and gently caressed her cheeks with my thumbs, causing her to smirk, purr and nuzzle against my palms. It made me so happy that I could do that to her, sighing contentedly and her golden-eyed gleaming with love and happiness, towards me. That made me happy in return.
I had opened my arms to her that time, when we were in Fuuka Academy and HiMEs. It was a turbulent time, but she had thought that I deeply hated her, while she loved me as much that she would obey her brother and kill people to protect me. I would come for her, even when I found out the things she had done. She really thought I would kill her, but I didn't and saved her and her brother. Throughout that, I had become her warmth and light, to embrace me and love me for opening her heart to someone she wants. Not need or desire, but want that she had thought it could have been her long lost brother.
I'm glad it didn't turn that way even if she kept in contact with her brother. I pulled her face and kissed her lips with a gentle fervour. The world around me light up again, her arms around my neck and pushing herself closer to me. My body was light, and my head spinning in delightful circles that felt like we were floating across space. As usual, reality brought us back, but the magic lingered as we parted our lips with dazed eyes that held our love and adoration for each other.
I'm happy, and so was she. We spend the night in bed with each other, just holding, cuddling and snuggling. It was the most blissful moment for the both us. Us sleeping in a comfortable bed, in each other's arms and dreaming wonderful things as we met there. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it happened just once.
When we woke up, we had this silly grin on our faces. We ended up talking about our silly grins and painting them a marker. I was laughing and playing with her as she tickled me and I back at her. So wonderful… we got tired and smiled again, kissing each other with a good morning. Ahhhh~… that was the most blissful morning we had, and it happens every day.
Then, something tested us again, that one day that made us waver for our love. Yuuichi came to my apartment, and I was very scared with his lips formed in a thin line. Mikoto wasn't around at that time. She had to go to work, while I had to wait for my employer to accept me. Meanwhile, I didn't know anything after what happened between me and Yuuichi. I do know that I had hurt him, and I wanted to apologise for that.
He started to talk and ask if he could come inside. I was still afraid, but my guts didn't react, so it was alright. He came inside without glancing at me, and stood behind me. I left the door unlocked and opened, just to be safe. He gave me a look that tells me he wanted privacy, but first, I apologised to him and confessed that I was clueless to what I want. That my heart wanted and needed Mikoto.
He smiled lightly and said its fine, but he wants a place in my heart. He suddenly took my hands and said that if I were to give him another chance, I'm certain that I do really love him. I couldn't take that lightly, as my heart wavered to answer him that I love Mikoto. He knew, but he was trying, and I remembered Mikoto trying to give up on me. And like that, I shook my head and rejected him. I don't want to hurt Mikoto anymore or Yuuichi.
He was silently angry for a short while, and then he sighed and talked to me a rational reason to consider. Mikoto is still girl, and she could have fallen for someone else other than me that could do the same thing I do. She can't look for work that offer a better income to let me stay in this apartment then he can. She cannot give me a family that I may soon desire, children. Even then, will she stay loyal and honest to me as she grew older?
I wavered and shuddered at the thought of it, slammed by the possibilities. Possibilities… haha… they were possibility true, happiness and love alone can't keep us stable and keep a roof on our heads. However, when I think through repeatedly, Mikoto, no matter how much she can't do what can be given, was absolutely special to me. She tries so hard for me, and I had been so clueless to so much she had suffered from. She had been happy for me and with me. She lets me do what I thought would make me happy. All for me and given to me, but also for herself. I don't want to it all to be me alone, so this time, it must be for her.
Then I realised it too, that Yuuichi was trying just as hard to win me over. His yearning, affections, feelings and love were real for me. I can't throw what he had for me, but I can answer what I truly feel. I stood there and gazed into his eyes, pulling my hands down but keeping them in mine as I said this.
I loved you, and I know you tried hard for me, but my heart can't change. I asked myself what I want, and my heart answered Mikoto, while my mind answered to think logically. You're right that she may not be able to do what you have said, but that didn't stop her. Look at her now, she works even if the people rejected her, smiling at them and letting them gloat and flaunt their positions. She won't hold a grudge despite of that, and continued happily with her life. She even tried to give up on me, because she wants me to be happy. And I know that she would do that because it would make her happy in the most bittersweet way. That kind of thought makes me broken and forever sad. I don't want that. She deserves the love and happiness I want to give, even if it has to come from someone other than me.
I was breathless at the end of it, zoning out the world as I pushed out all my feelings for Mikoto. Loud or not, I was definitely sure that the neighbours or the world could have heard me, but I don't care and felt so relieved and light. Yuuichi stood there stunned and shocked. I wasn't sure if he looked defeated or thinking that I was crazy, and I don't care really. Then he shook his head after a while and asked me about family and children. I smiled at him and answered, there'll be the day where we'll have kids, but is it worth it or right for us? It doesn't matter, but we have to understand what we want and why want them. It's all up to us to understand and find out, or else our words will echo back at us.
He blinked his eyes and wondered for a moment if I had become a different person. Honestly, it really felt like I did, which was a scary change for me. I felt proud though, and I knew it was thanks to Mikoto. He sighed and sagged his shoulders, slipping his hands away from mine. I don't know what he was going to do, but I firmly stood in place and looked at him. He looked at me with a small smile, and then he walked past me and stopped at the door. Mikoto's right, he said, that I had been clueless about what I want. I loved everyone, and I dated him because he thought that I loved him, but the truth was me not knowing what I want out of love.
Now it was my turn to blink my eyes, Mikoto told you that, I uttered. He had his back to me and nodded his head, then he went out the door, but he stopped suddenly. Mikoto? He said aloud with his tall figure blocking whom I can't see and love. I was frightened too, has she heard everything and misunderstood me that I don't love him? What if she heard my confession as an echo and not the entirety of it? I was so scared that I didn't notice Mikoto taking his hand and turning him around to face me. She stood beside and put a hand on my shoulder, startling me out of my anxiety. I looked at Mikoto and then Yuuichi with worry etched on my face.
Mikoto warmly smiled at me and left her hand from my shoulder to put both of her hands on Yuuichi's shoulder. She gently pulled him down and pecked her lips to Yuuichi's forehead, and said she was sorry and grateful to him. I blinked my eyes and feeling mixed between envy and understanding. Yuuichi startled away and looked to Mikoto with a light pinkish blush on his cheeks, concern on his face as he looked at me. But I understood what Mikoto did eventually, and I followed what she did to Yuuichi. After I kissed his forehead, he yelped and stepped back with a red blush.
What are you two doing! He yelped with an embarrassed look. I looked to Mikoto just as she looked to me, understanding flowed between our eyes. We told him that we do love him, as a friend, and that we were both sorry for his feelings. He was silent and blinking his eyes, then he laughed, a cheerful laugh that made us smile. I'm sorry too, but I can't believe I had two girls kissing me! He said with a triumphant grin on his face. We giggled and Mikoto reprimanded him that it was on the fore head. He laughed again and enveloped the both of us into his arms. It was a brief hug, and parting us with a pat on our shoulders. He thanked us, we thanked him, and then he left with his head held high and walked proudly.
When he left, I glared my eyes at Mikoto with an intimidating and curious smile. Mikoto laughed nervously as she scratched her cheek. She said that she had been pestering Yuuichi to forgive them both, to forgive her for having feelings for Mai, and for me to not understand what I want. I scolded her for not telling me her plan, but I was absolutely refreshed and so happy that she thought of that for. Then I pulled her into a feverish kiss that made her and me dizzy, but it was absolutely worth it for the happiness she's given again.
That was the beginning of our trial, as a few months passed by. I had trouble getting work and being rejected for the third time. I can't lean on Mikoto forever, because her grandmasters have been replaced with a new one, and they don't like her. She lost hers, while I didn't earn a single one. It was the most stressful time for me, but she stood up and embraced, consoled me that I am not a failure. I snapped and argued that I'm not a failure compared to her.
Stupid… I was so stupid and I hurt her in my frustrations. She had the most hurt look I had ever seen, and I was stunned that I said that to her. Me! I was supposed to make her happy and not the other way around. She ran off before I could stop her, hearing her chocked sobs and tears touching my cheeks as I weakly chased her. I fell on my knees and slammed my fists onto the ground, angry with myself for being so stupid and hurtful. It's not her fault that she can't get what she can, and it's not her fault that I can't get what I need. Yet, she could live by with an averagely small income to put food on the table… our table.
I slapped my palms to my face and dried my tears. This isn't the time to cry and hurt myself for my stupidity… well… it goes both ways. Anyway, I needed to find Mikoto and apologise to her. I can't lose her. I love her! She has made me happy even in her most difficult time, and brought Yuuichi to us and made up our messed up feelings. I'm not going to screw it up again. A distant echo repeated into my head "Don't Screw Up!" I blinked my eyes and looked around. No one was there, and I was grinning like an idiot. So, I got up and searched for her the whole day.
Docks, parks, playgrounds and even the hill, she wasn't there. I'm not giving up, so I continued to look for her as my entire body becomes heavy and exhausted. I refused to give in and continued to look for her as the rain pelted on my skin and clothes, making the night even colder. No wind or rain was going to stop me, not when Mikoto was out there, probably drenched and… I couldn't think about it, and I won't let that happen.
It was until I stopped at the bridge, air needed in my lungs as I stopped for a brief moment. I shouted, Miiiiikooootoooo! Praying that my voice would reveal where she was, or that I would find her even if she stayed silent and hiding from me. I know it's my fault this time, and I would do anything to hold her again and tell her how much I love her, over and over till it reaches her heart.
Through the pelting of the rain, I heard a muffled sob from under the bridge. My eyes were wide and I didn't give it a second thought as I went under the bridge, hoping that it was her and not somebody else. I praised the greater power around the universe that it was her… it is her. I stood in the rain as my eyes looked at her defeated form. Her back against the wall, head hidden in her knees with her arms wrapped around them. It hurt… it hurt so much to look at her like that, and I knew I did it. A revelation that stabbed my chest and through my heart, a knife that belonged to me and turned against me by my own hands.
In my drenched form, I went closer to her and stopped beside her. Mikoto… I called out, my voice so heavy with relief. She snapped her head to me and looked at me with surprise and fear. I barely had the time to react as she ran out into the rain. I'm not going to lose her! And chased her again, calling her over and over again as I said my apologies. I don't know for how long we ran through the rain and stirring river, but we were both finally exhausted and stopped to catch our breath.
Mikoto had her back to me. All I could do was look at her back, and feel the pain increase in my chest. I know she's hurt and it was my fault, as I weakly called her name and went a step closer. She shouted, Go away!... I'm useless! Her voice was full of pain and misery, as if her efforts strained to the limit without rest. She turned and looked to me with angry and defeated eyes, shouting at me of her frustrations and failure.
"Mikoto is not like you! But I tried so hard to live, to eat and find shelter for myself! It's not easy when your own friends think you're a failure! It hurts that Mikoto isn't one of those successful people! It hurts that there are things that I couldn't earn or have! But I'm happy!... Happy that I tried with my own bare hands that I fight to live enough. Then there's you! There's Mai! I love Mai! I want to make her happy! But I failed and I'm poor! I'm useless! I'm weak! I'm dumb!"
I couldn't take it anymore, I ran towards her and embraced her in my arms. She continued to berate herself on my chest, crying out her frustrations and disappointment in her heart. She was so hurt, shaking in my arms, clutching and digging into my sides with such pain delivered into me. I took it all from her to me, stabbing me with guilt, pain and misery driven into my heart as she continued. We cried and felt our hearts hurting from each other. It was the most miserably and horrible thing I have ever done, and I wished I could change it. What's done is done, and I vowed and promised to never hurt her again, to utter that will hurt her.
Nobody but a few friends of Mikoto knew about her troubles and life after her high-school graduation. Her rejection into college because of her appearance, her countless trying to show them her graduation certificate, her misery that her friends abandoned her, but save for a few that tried. Even then, she gave up, and looked for work to feed herself. I knew about it and asked her to stay with me, because I had my apartment all to myself. She was hesitant at first, but I said that it would be like that we shared in the dorms together. Her face lit up brightly and she jumped her face into my chest, nuzzling, hugging and shouting her love for me.
Yet that wasn't enough, and she wanted to be of help by looking for work. I wanted to say I don't mind, but she was a growing girl and it would be rude of me to stop her. Every day when I come back from college, she would have newspaper sprawled across the table, and her eyes intensely looking at it as she held the pen with purpose. She looked mature and determined, and I helped her a little bit that would suit her. Little did I know that she was doing it for me, and that I would always find an extra amount in my payoff. She gave it all to me, thinking that I did a good job and allowed me to pay my rent.
Now I knew, as her muffled sobs and confession on my chest, stirred me with shame and guilt. She had sacrificed her own money to be with me, and to let me live in my apartment without worry. She was supporting ever since she has lived with me. I knew that it took so much for her to even earn and keep a single job, because the people kept for a few weeks and then they fired her. She constantly switched jobs just to earn the smallest amount. Moreover, that she was not at an acceptable age or have any required certificates. It was difficult, but she faced them head on with a brave and bright smiling face, encouraging me as well to work hard.
Then she told me that when she ran out of ideas to look for work, she stumbled upon Alyssa and Miyu. She had time to catch up and said that was looking for work. She never lied and they knew, and helped her get recommendations. It made her so happy, but they had told me in secret that despite getting her employed, she may catch the employers' attention. They were wondering if Mikoto was just joking. I told them seriously that she was not, and begged them to help her that I don't want to see her defeated and sad.
From that onwards, Alyssa and Miyu gave Mikoto the list of jobs. It wasn't that much but Mikoto took it. They employed her for a short time in one of these jobs, and sometimes a lot longer. Most of the time she was incompetent in the employer's eyes, and she would try even harder, until they simply don't want her because she was too young and lack of education. She didn't give up and continued down on the lists. For a year, that list became smaller so quickly that she had one last job, and it was the dojos. That last job was over.
I was devastated. I never knew that she had been rejected even more than I do. Compared to me who was rejected three times, she was rejected several times more than me. She was scrapping her life the best she can, and I hurt her for what's left she could do. I hugged her close and tight to my chest, she sobbed harder and voice goes hoarse over time.
Until the rain ended, we were drenched and tired. Mikoto was no longer crying, but holding onto me for dear life, shaking in my arms. I began caressing her hair and back, never letting her go as I whisper my weak apologies. Then I confessed to her that I had something planned to make us happy. Because it didn't turn out the way I wanted, I was angry and frustrated that it failed, and resulted in calling myself a failure. She was only consoling me and I should know the amount of trouble she has gone through to make an earning. I wanted to make her happy so badly, that I vent my frustration against her.
We were silent in the night, embracing each other with our hearts slowing down and bodies drained of energy, but our minds were working to solve us. Mikoto… I'm sorry… I'm so sorry that I hurt you again… I love you, and it wasn't right for me to hurt you when I know all the trouble you had to go through. I'm so sorry that I was so selfish and blind to all the things you've been doing for me. I want to make you happy. I want to share and return the love you gave to me.
I was confessing my heart out as I held her, to hold her in my arms and bring my feelings in the open. Yet, we were tired, and our response was slow, leaving as unsure and anxious. Mikoto pushed my away, but I hold her tightly. Mai… please look at me, she whispered. I was afraid and held her tighter. She whispered again, please… look at Mikoto… I trembled and force myself to let go, my tears lingering, but not falling. As I looked at her, she gave me a faint smile and said, kiss me… I was in a trance, hazed between dream and reality if I heard her right. She raised and wrapped her arms around my neck as she whispered, kiss me… Mai…
I kissed her. My eyes and hers half-lidded as we closed our lips together. When we met, we were floating, our bodies like feather and our mind stilled as we pour ourselves into the kiss. As if, we belonged somewhere, somewhere that resides in us, the both of us. My eyes fluttered close, and so did hers as our kiss became intense whilst gentle. This feeling, it was a sense of belonging, home, happiness and love. This feeling we shared between us, was real, and we pulled ourselves closer with. Our bodies heating up, and minds spiralling into light-headedness, while our souls touched and caressed one another.
When we finally parted for who knows how long, my eyes and her eyes were glazed with tears, love and belonging. I love you… I love Mai… Mikoto loves Mai, she whispered within a breath away from my lips. I love you too… I love Mikoto too… Mai loves Mikoto too, I replied in a whisper. Our eyes never leaving the other as we closed our lips back again, passionate, loving and gentle as we lock our lips for another eternity. Yet again, we needed our breaths, but we were smiling as we parted. Hands keeping to each other as we both mend our hearts, slowly.
I asked for her forgiveness, and she replied yes. I asked if she would be my girlfriend, and she answered yes. I asked if she would be my lover, and she answered no. I blinked my eyes, and then I was crestfallen. She suddenly kissed my lips and I looked at her. That's for our big bad fight we had, she said , giving me the biggest smile. Will I be her lover? She asked. I answered to her yes. And we kissed again under the late night and sky.
It was my best and most worst moments that could have led me to break apart. I'm glad it didn't. We did lose the apartment and we were homeless for a couple of weeks. It was lucky that luck considered us with a job and home, or we would have suffered in hunger and cold. Even then my love for Mikoto and her love for me did not waver. We slept together in a dirty mattress before and in the alleyways. Ate food that was once in the garbage, mostly the ones that were not eaten and thrown away because they don't like it. We even bathed in the rain in our slightly rugged and worn clothes. Those were suffering times, but memories and moments still that we both shared and make ourselves happy despite of it.
Now, we're super happy and well. We're in this large mansion that belonged to a married couple, woman and woman. They saw us looking for work desperately, and they even saw our relationship. They took us in and gave us work. We're their Otomes so to speak, otherwise their loyal and grateful servants. I mostly do the chores and cooking, while Mikoto does the chores and disciplining the other servants. She had a playful way of disciplining them, but she definitely taught them a thing or two in her pranks.
It didn't matter if I and her didn't get a great position or job. We had together, and we mutually love each other, happy with each other. I knew immediately that I was the most happiest as long as I was with Mikoto, and her with me. The married couple gave a room, a soundproof room embarrassingly, and accepted us as their friends in cohorts with their relationship. Hehe… I guess you could say that there's a couple more out ther I told them, and I knew who. They gasped and tried to pry information out of me, but that's another time for me to tell and it would be better if it came from them.
Phew… that was the longest thing I've ever written. I want to write this because it had stayed in my heart, and that I still can't believe I'm alive and living well with two woman, married to each other and they are my masters. I don't care, I just want to say I'm happy! I'm so happy! I'm superidfigurculously happy! That's not a word by the way. Oh! Mikoto just got out of the shower, and I had mine. We're going to spend the whole night with each other in bed and finally bask in love. See you! My wonderful diary. Love Mai and Mikoto.