Welcome to part 2a of the Human Smeets AU. I say 2a, because there will also be a 2b, focusing on Gaz and Tak. This is not 2b, however, but 2a, and thus, the FOCUS REMAINS on Zim and Dib. I promise you that wasn't nearly as redundant in my brain, but the point still remains.
You won't need 2b to enjoy this (much like you won't need this to enjoy 2b, hence why it's 2a/b and not 2/3) BUT if you haven't already, please pop on over and read "Science Knows No Bounds," which is part 1 of the Human Smeets AU, and is necessary if you want to understand Dib and Gaz's BULLSHIT PSEUDOSCIENCE BIOLOGY. I am an education major, not a scientist. Cross posted on AO3
Pairings: ZaDr. Future chapters: Implied TaGr, Implied Membrane/Miyuki
Warnings: Bullshit pseudoscience, alien human romance
also, if you could review, that'd be great! even if it's terrible, horrifically bad things, i want to hear them! also i like seeing the number because i have a minor narcissistic complex. That is a thing which may or may not be not false.
Dib was always curious. If he knew something, he wanted to know more, and if he didn't know something, he needed to learn it. He knew, somewhere in the back of his young mind, that his mother had fostered that curiosity in him, and he was grateful to her for that. Even if he couldn't quite remember her. He remembered her voice, and the sandwiches she made him and Gaz for lunch, but she died when he was too young to remember much else.
Every now and then Dib would say, or do something in such a way that reminded his father so much of his mother that the Professor would leave the house and not come back for days at a time. Dib didn't realize this, though. It was just his dad being his dad, and having yet another genius scientific breakthrough.
Dib would never describe his life as extraordinary. Merely unfortunate. He loved aliens and the paranormal, but his Dad and sister never really took him seriously. He could deal with that, though. One day he'd have proof, then they'd all see how right he'd been. If you asked Dib to pinpoint the beginning of his alien obsession, he'd be hard pressed to tell you. He would simply shrug and say it had been his passion all his life. It was true enough; His mother taught him a lot about space before she died when he was four. Enough to instill a life long passion in the young boy.
Dib didn't remember why, exactly, he had decided to spend every Sunday night on the roof, listening for alien transmissions. It was simply something to do, a way to pass the time, even if most nights yielded nothing but the dull roar of space.
There was nothing about this particular Sunday that would indicate to him that it would be any different. He climbed out on the roof, like always, and opened up his laptop, like always. He'd had it for years, but it was still better functioning than any other computer on the market, so he didn't complain. According to his dad, Mom had built it for him when he was a baby. She was an exceptionally talented scientist, Dib knew. She had to have been, for Dad to fall in love with her.
After pressing a few buttons on the side of the computer, the hidden satellite dish bloomed out of the laptops casing, and with a little fidgeting he pointed it towards the sky. If he had to guess, it was the discovery of this little hidden dish that prompted him to start listening in for alien signals beyond the stars. He had only discovered it a few short months ago,. That was another thing he loved about his computer- he was discovering new things about it nearly every day.
On the surface, Dib didn't really expect to garner much form listening in on the interstellar white noise. But somehow, he knew, deep down, that he had to do it. One night, the night that everything changed, he actually managed to tune in on a frequency. According to the computer, it was broadcasting from only about half a lightyear away, and it was broadcasting live? He was very startled when the readout in the corner of his screen calculated a mere 10 second delay between the origin of the transmission and what he was receiving. Amazing! he had never dreamed that his computer would be advanced enough to pick something up, let alone a live transmission. He was so caught up in actually finding something that he forgot to hit record, and only caught the last few seconds of the transmission. He didn't have to hear the whole thing to get the gist of it- they were coming.
Dib ran downstairs in a flurry of excitement to inform his father that invasion was imminent! Unfortunately, the professor ignored him in favor of making toast. Receiving that transmission, though, that was when he knew that his life was about to change forever. Perhaps, for the better, even. He certainly hoped so.
By the time Zim had shown up in Ms. Bitters' class, Dib had nearly forgotten about the Irken transmission he received nearly six months ago. He knew as soon as the green kid stepped in the room that he was an alien. How could the other kids not see it? Dib was at a complete loss.
Something stirred inside him, in his very bones, that said challenge and refused to be ignored. Zim, oddly enough, felt it too. He couldn't say how, or why, but this human worm would be his greatest challenge.
The two spent several years locked in eternal battle. On the occasion Dib obtained proof of Zim's extraterrestrial origin, Zim would do his best to eliminate it. Once, he built a microscopic sub and infiltrated Dib's body for the purpose of destroying a video Dib had taken of the inside of his base. To Zim's great relief, the human boy was in possession of an arm control nerve. He had briefly been worried that the human nervous system would be entirely different from the Irken one, and he would have to figure out some other way of controlling the human's limbs.
As time went on, the battles became less life or death, less fate of the earth, and more a matter of petty revenge and pride. Especially after the whole Santa debacle. Though, things between the two had started calming down even before that.
Instead of a new plot to take over the earth every day, it became a new plot every week. Then every month, where it stayed since then. Most of the time, Zim's plots focused less on actually taking over the earth, and more on sparring with Dib. Though they would never admit it to each other, they both enjoyed the mental excercise their childish game of chase provided, and neither one knew how to live without the other.
The next major change in their routine happened when Dib was 15. It was a friday afternoon, school was out, and Dib was working in the garage on Tak's ship, his computer linked up through a cable, running diagnostics on the cloaking device. It had stopped working during his return trip from the moon, and he couldn't risk taking it out again until that was repaired. Over the years, Dib had become increasingly good with Irken technology. He found it was easier to use and fix than most Earth tech. The only thing he could operate as intuitively as he could Irken ships and weaponry was his own laptop, and that was only because his computer was custom-built and he had all his life to learn it.
He was just about to open up the ship's control panel and reattached the loose wires indicated by the scan when there was an angry pounding on the garage door. Dib rolled his eyes. There was only one person it could be. His Dad never came out here, and Gaz wouldn't have knocked.
"It's unlocked, Zim," Dib shouted, not even bothering to glance up as he popped off the panel and shoved his arm into the tangle of wires.
The garage door was flung open, and there stood the little bug in all his cleverly disguised glory. He took two steps inside, and stood up as straight as possible in a vain attempt to appear taller. Dib glanced at him just long enough to roll his eyes before returning to the wires, waiting for him to begin his latest spiel.
"Hello, Dib," he spat, only just louder than was reasonable necessary.
When he didn't automatically continue, Dib looked up from his work soldering the wires with a pen laser. "What do you want, Zim?" The venom in Dib's voice was merely a formality. He knew that if Zim hadn't pulled something yet, then he wouldn't pull something at all. Besides, Dib had already foiled Zim's latest plot two weeks ago, and as per the unwritten rules of their engagement, there wouldn't be another one for at least another week and a half.
"Your," Zim started, "filthy hyumen presence is required at my base." He had hunched over and twitched a bit at 'filthy human,' but had recovered quickly enough.
Dib sighed, and shoved the wires back in the console. Zim was in one of his moods. His tone was one that said 'comply NOW or I'll ruin whatever you're working on' and left no room for argument. This was the first time he used that tone to request Dib showed up at his base, however. "Just give me a sec," Dib said as he started to climb out of Tak's ship.
"NOW, we leave NOW," shouted Zim. He stomped over and grabbed Dib by the wrist, practically dragging him out of the garage. It was a bit awkward, considering that at five feet, nine inches Dib towered nearly a foot over Zim. Hasn't grown an inch since 5th grade and people still believe his human act, Dib mused at the little green bug pulled him along the street.
Once inside Zim's base, he roughly shoved Dib onto the couch, before sitting down in the lounge chair with a hrumph. Gir was seated next to Dib, little legs dangling off the couch. "Hi Mary!" shouted the little robot by way of greeting. Dib waved back half heartedly in return. "I got us a pizza!" Sure enough, on the coffee table sat the largest, greasiest pepperoni Bloaty's offered.
"Gir insisted," grumbled Zim, motioning to the pizza, "that we invite you over for pizza."
"Uh-huh," Dib said, slowly. He was as confused as Zim was irritated.
"Well?" he said, an eye opening wide and antennae twitching under his wig.
"Well what?" Dib asked.
"Eat, you idiotic pig beast, eat!" Zim was fuming in his seat. He didn't have to be so kind as to let Dib into his base.
Dib raised an eyebrow. "How do I know it's not poisoned?"
It was a fair question, to which Zim replied by throwing his wig on the floor in frustration and grabbing a slice of the pizza. He shoved it in his mouth, and shouted at Dib around gooey mouthfuls of cheese. "There! See! It's perfectly fine now eat!"
Dib shrugged, and grabbed a slice, Gir already munching away next to him. "Why am I here again?" he asked after a few bites.
"Because," Zim started, "It was either appease Gir and tolerate your presence, or refuse and watch that idiotic robot make a mess of things."
If it were anyone else but Zim, Dib would have suspected he was just making an excuse to spend time with him. Besides, it was only a one-time thing. Gir probably was harassing Zim for not inviting his 'bestest friend' over. It wasn't like it was the first time it had happened. Though usually it involved less food, and more attempts on Dib's life.
Next week, Zim showed up at Dib's garage yet again, demanding he return for yet another 'pizza ritual.' The week after that, Gir himself retrieved Zim and Dib directly from school. By the fourth week, the two boys had unofficially developed the 'Pizza Truce.' If Dib ever didn't show up, Gir would take it upon himself to harass the boy until he did, and if Zim decided to hide in his base, Gir would just take Dib to him. They both decided it was easier to comply with the psychotic robot's demands than to argue with him. If nothing else, it meant one more night where both boy's knew the other wasn't able to work on some grand scheme or counterplot.
Neither boy was sure how, but eventually Pizza Truce Night turned into 'Gossip Hour' at Zim's. Maybe it was because neither boy had many friends. Zim didn't need any, and Dib was too obsessed with the green kid to make time for them.
"You mean to say she actually followed you home!?" Zim laughed after Dib finished regaling him with one of the few romantic overtures he received.
"I know," said Dib, shoving another slice of pizza in his mouth. "I thought Gretchen figured I was being sarcastic, but apparently not!" On that particular day, Zim had been out of school for about a week, and the hot gossip was it was because he and Dib had broken up (the hotter gossip being that they were dating in the first place). Gretchen had taken that as an opportunity to confess her feelings to which Dib replied, If you really like me, you'll hold my tools while I work on fixing the alien space craft in my garage, figuring it was just another false confession to make him look bad.
They fell into an easy silence after that, Zim munching on some Irken chips and Dib sipping a Poop cola.
During the pause in conversation, Dib noticed a soft whirring coming from Zim's PAK. It was the third time this week he heard it, though it was the first time they weren't in the middle of a fight. "Your PAK is really loud," Dib pointed out.
Zim's good mood was spoiled by that single innocuous comment. "What's it to you, hyumen," Zim spat defensively, antennae flattening against his head.
Dib shrugged, "Just thought you ought to know."
"Of course I know! It's my PAK, how could I not know!" Zim crossed his arms, and tried to look unbothered by the information. He didn't really succeed.
"Let me look at it," Dib insisted. He knew it couldn't be good for a PAK to be that loud. In all the years he'd known Zim, it never once made a sound.
"NEVER!" Zim shouted, jumping up onto his chair and displaying the appropriate amount of protectiveness over his very source of life.
"C'mon, Zim," Dib whined from his place on the couch. "It's Pizza Truce Night," he raised a slice of their usual greasy, fatty pizza to accent his point. "Just take me down to the labs and let me have a look."
Zim lowered himself back down into his seat and remained quiet for a few moments. He knew Dib was right to be worried. Audible whirring was the first indicator of trouble in an Irken PAK. He was only 158 years old though! Too young for such complications.
"You won't even have to take it off," Dib said in his most reassuring tone. Zim hated when Dib used that tone. It reminded him too much of Almighty Tallest Miyuki, before he accidentally killed her. Zim was thankful Dib only ever brought it out once or twice and only during their Pizza Truce Nights. He wasn't sure how he would react to it if Dib pulled it out while they were fighting. Tallest Miyuki was the closest thing Zim had to a mentor, after all. It wouldn't do for his enemy to be borrowing her voice.
"URGH! Fine!" Zim conceded. he grabbed Dib by the wrist and dragged him to the night stand entrance next to the TV. The two of them rode the hoverdisk down to the lab. After hopping off, Dib waltzed over to the PAK maintenance work bench like he owned the place. Zim wouldn't be surprised if he had the schematics of his whole base memorized. In fact, Zim expected nothing less, as he himself knew every corner of Dib's own labs back home. Well, most ever corner, but the point still stood.
Dib shrugged off his coat, and reached up to grab one of the low hanging cords that contained PAK maintenance tools, his intimidating height allowing him to easily do so. Grumbling under his breath, Zim hopped up onto the counter, his back facing to Dib.
"Open up, space boy," Dib said, and Zim begrudgingly complied, willing the maintenance hatch on his back open.
Zim was ashamed to admit that this wasn't the first time he and Dib had done this. Zim had problems with his PAK before, but they just got worse after the human tainted it with his filthy human genetics a few years back, while Zim was separated from it. He was just glad that somehow, Dib was miraculously good with Irken technology. He never would have guessed it if he had to judge by how laughably terrible Dib was at working with the computers at school, but Zim never really questioned it anymore. Dib was probably the only person Zim would trust to perform maintenance on his PAK. Excluding himself, of course.
Zim felt Dibs hands plucking round and changing wires. "Looks like your hormone regulator's busted," Dib muttered. "Your adrenalin equivalent isn't filtering properly."
Well shit, Zim thought. It's a good thing Dib was here after all. Zim realized that he could have easily poisoned his own body if that was left unchecked.
Zim felt Dib's confident hands solder here and weld there. The human boy's actions caused phantom sensations to flare up where the nerves interfaced with Zim's PAK, but it wasn't painful, merely uncomfortable.
Dib had made it a point to learn about Irken PAKs after swiping a copy of the data on them from Tak's ship and Zim's computer. Dib didn't want a repeat of the brief time Zim's PAK had accidentally attached itself to him- it was like having Zim crawling around in his brain, and he would do whatever he could to prevent that from happening. And if he learned a few maintenance tricks here and there, then so what? Zim had saved his skin more times than Dib would care to admit, and if he could pay it back then where was the harm in that?
Dib removed his hands from his enemy's back, and slammed the maintenance hatch shut. "Good as new," he declared.
Zim grumbled something along the lines of 'took you long enough,' and both boys returned upstairs to finish their pizza before going their separate ways for the night, each one planning to plot the other's doom in the morning.
because i felt like the a/n was getting too crowded up there, and if you're reading this far it means you liked it, please feel free to toss suggestions in the review box as well. I don't really have much a clue where I'm going with this (miyuki's pak's involved? maybe? space opera? dib 'I AM NOT HUMAN' angst? more momyuki undertones? idek yo) SO if there's something you want to see, toss it down there, and I'll try to incorporate it. If I can't, I'll probably write a separate one shot for it!