Z/N: Oh wow. This is just...0.o Now I know why people give me that look when I read them my stuff. Anyway, I claim nothing in this story, except the right to boast the title of longest run on sentences ever created in one story. Done years ago, when the first Pirates movie was in theaters. I recently found this on my hard drive, and I'm giving it a chance.

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Elizabeth Turner had been anxiously awaiting a letter from her husband which would adress the issue of her shoes being too small. When it arrived, she quickly and quite wrongly deduced it.

It read,

Dear Elizabeth,

I am quite sorry to hear about it, and when I get to port,

which I shall quite soon, I shall help you procure a pair more to your liking.

I miss you.

Your Husband,

Will

But what Elizabeth saw was,

Elizabeth,

Will you stop annoying me with your stupid problems!

I'm trying to appear quite busy so as to avoid you,

but now I believe I shall pick up a girl at the nearest pub and get 'lost at sea' for a few years.

Go away and leave me alone,

Will

She burst into tears, and shouting something incredibly Princess Bride-like- "My sweet Westley-I mean, William!" promptly jumped off of the bridge. However, she found there really was a lot of water under the bridge, and sat there sobbing in what was the universe's best ironic personification of her situation until Captain Jack drug her out, having long ago become accustomed to the fact that making people move from where they had inexplicably planted themselves was his true calling in life, especially when the spot they had been sitting in disrupted the town's water supply.

As Elizabeth could offer no real reason as to why she was sobbing as if in a soap opera, Jack diverted her attention to a pair of shoes he had recently bartered for and thought she might like. At this moment, Will showed up, having been searching for his beloved wife after arriving back early to surprise her, and hearing that she was drowning in the river, which she now obviously wasn't. He held out his arms to greet her, and she slapped him. He stood shocked as she spun on and on about how Jack cared about her more than her own husband, that Jack gave her the right size shoes. Captain Jack decided that now would be an excellent time to exit, and once having made good his getaway and back on his ship, upon hearing the beginnings of a full fledged war breaking out in the town, decided he really needed some new friends.