The Moth's Dilemma

by Oblivious

Does the moth seek the flame out of its stupidity? Courage? Or for it’s search for warmth? SI

The Moth's Dilemma

Notes: This takes place before Rei's first activation test with Unit Zero. I'm writing this fic in a way that it can fit perfectly into the original series with no problem.

Oh, and one word: 'Evanescence.' Please make sure you have this quality before reading my fic, because it's an attempt at a good SI (Self-insert). If you go in clouded by prejudices, all the skill of Shakespeare won't make you happy.

An SI is different from a Mary Sue, because an SI is an insertion of the author. In which case, the author is presented as he/she is. It is hence, realistic and free of godly powers.

Oh, and scenebreaks.

/Rei/ Signifies a break in scene for Rei.

(/Rei/) Signifies a break in scene AND in POV when changing TO Rei.

/Rain/ Ditto Rain.

(/Rain/) Ditto Rain.

Other Switch in POV to General POV.

You probably already know what a Mary Sue is, but if you don't, no loss, as you won't find one here. It's one of those things you are better off not knowing… unless you're a writer.

Before you start, consider this:

Does the moth seek the flame out of its stupidity? Courage? Or for its search for warmth?

(/Rei/)

Ayanami Rei. That is what I am called. A name just like any other, representing a thing that is nothing like any other. Though I am among many, we exist in different worlds. They laugh, smile, cry and weep; things that are denied to me. They form bonds and share company; things I see no need for. They value and celebrate their lives; things that I cannot understand. To them, I am nothing more than a shadow.

What is loneliness?

School: A meaningless waste of energy: An obligation from which I am unable to escape: A constant reminder of the existence of others: A constant reminder of my nothingness. My volition is not my own. Do I even have one? Everything I have done was something that I was told to do. Everyday simply repeats itself in the same fashion it always has, nothing of interest will occur.

What is captivity?

Evangelion. My duty, my work. The reason I am not disposed of. As a pawn, I sacrifice myself for others. A pawn that can never queen. I live only on the commands of others, I am their servant, their tool. My feelings and thoughts are not needed, not anywhere.

Am I irrelevant?

Questions, questions… and before me looms the answer.

I stare down toward to concrete ground, devoid of people, up from the roof of a school block, leaning over the cast iron railings. The breeze beckons invitingly to me, ensuring me of its cool caress on my way down. My lips slowly curl upwards at the thought of escape. If I die, I will simply be replaced. There is no need to continue living a meaningless life.

This shall be my first decision... and my last.

(/Rain/)

"Hey Horaki! I'll be in the guy's room." I called to the class rep as I exited the class. It was history next… could do without it.

"Not now Rain, class is about to start… urgh he's gone!"

I walked down the corridor, leading to the junction that lead to the restroom, however as I approached it, I ignored it and instead took the stairs leading up towards the roof. I only said what I said to get out of class. I was in dire need of a smoke, and I liked it there. It was usually deserted, so it was devoid of the bustle and noise of the classroom that I hated. It allowed me to collect my thoughts as well.

I strode up the stairs two at a time, walking only on my forefeet so as to create less attention attracting noise. As I reached the top and put my hand on the door lever, I thrust my hand into my pocket and fished out a cigarette and lighter. Then I put the fag to my lips, opened the door, and dropped my fag, my eyes widening in shock.

That, damn, can't remember her name, quiet blue haired girl was on the other side of the railings, leaning out, with only her right hand on the railings keeping her from falling to a messy death by concrete. The wind howled wildly, sweeping my fringe out of my eyes and whipping at my uniform, as if beckoning me to lend help to that poor creature.

I dropped my lighter and sprinted towards her and remembered for some stupid reason that I told the track coach to piss off a few days ago. As I closed half the distance, I saw her hand losing its grip on the railings. I reached the railings as I beheld her form teetering slowly off the edge. I stretched out my hand and grasped tightly her outstretched arm. With a jerk, her descent was halted with her body hanging precariously over the edge.

Statistically, in about ninety percent of suicide attempts, the attempter realizes that he or she wants to live at the final moment. With this in mind, I made a foolish assumption and sarcastic remark.

"So? Do you want me to let go?"

She was silent for a moment. Then slowly she turned her head and looked at me with her soft, crimson eyes, subjecting me to her powerful gaze. I nearly let go in surprise.

At this moment, time froze. My heart skipped a beat and my breath was caught in my throat. I gazed deep within those fathomless crimson orbs, hypnotised. Her strong gaze spoke what words could never convey: emotions of sorrow, hurt, despair... and a lust for death. Never before had I felt such profound sympathy for someone. Such a helpless thing. To have such eyes… how cruel has life been to her? I have to help her. I must.

/Rei/

"Yes."

For the second time in a row, astonishment filled the black eyes of the grey haired boy who had my hand clasped in a vice-like grip, preventing me from falling… to my flight from life. My answer to him had not weakened his grip a fraction. Meddling fool…

He quickly composed himself and spoke again.

"Are you sure about that? You are going to leave a very heartbroken family behind, have you stopped to consider that?"

"I… have no family."

I've never had one. I do not understand why people find importance in them. Their values mean nothing to me. His mouth then started to open and close repeatedly, very much like a goldfish. He then shook his head quickly, as if he had decided something, then pulled me closer and carried me back over the railings. I let him do as he pleased. I am rather used to being commanded.

As he carried me I had this strange, unfamiliar feeling... I could feel his warmth.

When he set me down, he put his hand on my shoulder and stared gave me a soft stare with his jet black eyes.

"Killing yourself will solve nothing. Your life has value no matter what."

I was unmoved; his words mean nothing to me. He doesn't understand my position; he knows nothing about me. He has no right to pass a judgment. I do not know why he even cares.

He continued quietly: "Everyone has a purpose in life… even you. If you have a problem I am willing to listen..."

A purpose… the Commander said that I was born for a purpose… to remove all human suffering. Suffering… I am familiar with. If my existence will purge humanity of their suffering… then perhaps my life has value. I feel my sorrow ebb slightly with this thought in mind.

"Understood." I whispered, and started walking towards the exit without a second look at him… though... I could sense a passion in his quiet voice.

(/Rain/)

I watched her retreating figure motion toward the roof exit with puzzlement, and shrugged at her sudden decision. I followed her gingerly to the doorway to retrieve my cigarette and lighter, put the cigarette to my lips… and dropped it again.

"Mr. Rain! I am sure that you are aware that smoking in school is strictly prohibited!" yelled Horaki Hikari, who was standing at the doorway and sporting an extremely dark expression.

You'd think I'd have better karma after what I just did. The girl must've been looking for me after I left without proper permission.

"Technically…" I said, raising my index finger. "I only put my cigarette to my mouth, which is not the same as actually smoking it."

"Don't get smart with me Rain, the disciplinary committee will know of this! And what's Ayanami doing up here with you?"

Oh I remember now. Ayanami Rei. Hasn't had a friend since she enrolled… poor girl.

"Oh is that her name? I just saved her from falling to a bloody death."

"Ha ha very funny! I swear! Joking about things like that! Come on Rei, let's go. You shouldn't mix around with people like him."

No one ever takes me seriously. I fumed silently as Hikari noticed Rei was already long gone, and quickened her pace to catch up. I suppose she didn't see a need to tell she was gone.

I picked up my cigarette for the third time; since I was already busted I might as well. Feeling a definite sense of satisfaction as I finally lit up and took a puff, I leant against the side of the staircase wall.

Even though I had prevented her from taking her life… I felt as if I did nothing. I looked at my wrist and stared reminiscently at the cruel scar running across it.

"Sis…"

(/Rei/)

I lie face up in my bed, staring listlessly at the grey ceiling. The auburn rays of the setting sun shine through the blinds, colouring the room something other than grey for once with its touch. All I have on are my undergarments and my school shirt. Such a configuration is comfortable, agreeable against the softness of my bed, a place where there is no one's opinion to be considerate of, no one to vex my mind.

This place is peaceful. Nothing, no one exists. The only soul around is I. No obligations, no orders, no strife, no people. Only nothingness exists. An eternity could pass and I would be ignorant, slumbering, dreaming in this world of tranquillity.

Yet, it is lonely.

I turn my eyes towards the opening in the blinds, from which shimmering light in entering, and wonder. Might there be another who shares the same feelings and thoughts? The vastness of this world would assure both that and the improbability that I would ever meet that person. Frustration.

This painful void in my heart, how its agony spreads throughout my chest… though if I ignore it, it goes away somewhat. It's better not to think about it. I shall pay no heed to it, and cast away my soul if need be, this pain is simply too much… too much.

Will I ever be liberated? Will my prince ever arrive…? Foolish girl, you're still hopeful, you'll simply hurt yourself more. Hide away your heart. Hide away your soul. They will stay safe that way, safe from the pain and loneliness of this forsaken world.

I let out a helpless sigh.

"How… much more…?"

(/Rain/)

Standing up straight with a mechanical pencil in front of my easel, I shaded in the pupil in Ayanami's eye. All evening, I had been trying to recapture what I had seen in her eyes the day I grasped her hand so tightly... powerful eyes that evoked such strong emotions in my heart. As an artist, things like these are the subjects of work: capturing emotions and beauty forever in colour. Very much like writers, they simply do it in word.

Her falling body was already nicely sketched in; bodies are usually a cakewalk, it's the faces. It was strange I was so sure of how she had looked like, how she was posed after all this time. I supposed that that scene was just one of those scenes you just seemed to be able to remember. I carefully drew in the line for her mouth. I felt guilty for using her plight to further my own goals. I felt like such a bastard… but without my art, I'd be nothing, without mean nor purpose.

Of its own will, my hand jerked upwards, resulting in quite a nicely drawn smile streaked across Rei's face. Inaccuracy. In a moment, my eraser had banished the error from the sketch on my easel.

Repeated attempts to recreate the certain curve that portrayed so delicately a slice of her misery were disastrous failures. I was getting frustrated. By the sixth time, the canvas was starting to weaken from repeated erasures. This would not do… this was only the sketch. For moments, I stood there powerlessly, unsure of what my next move would be. Then something struck me… I had been ignoring it all this time.

With one stroke, I drew the beautiful smile across her face again effortlessly. Much better… she looks so much better. That was enough for the day, I'd add in the colours tomorrow. Was the smile accurate though? I'd have to check...

As I looked around my Spartan studio and home, I realized something. I was wasting time drawing Ayanami, since I couldn't sell her picture without having conscience issues. I should be completing the one of the Tokyo-3 skyline instead. I pondered this fact for a few seconds, trying to get in touch with my feelings. Then it hit me.

I didn't give a damn.

I stretched and yawned, slouching into an old armchair to doze off. Glancing one last time at my completed sketch, before blowing out the candle next to me, I close my eyes as I felt my body grow heavier and my armchair grow unbearably comfortable.

"Is that what you want…?" I muttered to myself as my mind stumbled forth into oblivion.

(/Rei/)

I sat in a bench in the student atrium, revising for a chemistry test when I suddenly looked up from my textbook to the sound of my named being called: "Miss Ayanami?"

The strangely familiar face of a grey haired boy, who was wearing what could only be described as a warm smile, greeted me. Where have I seen him before? I have not received any instructions regarding unexpected social interaction. What am I to do? This is troubling…

"It's a fine morning isn't it?" The boy continued. "Would you like to hear a poem?"

I stared at him quizzically, my face masking a sense of impatience. I still had my chemistry tutorial to complete.

"A poem…?"

This boy… I remember him now. He reminded me of my purpose… of that I feel… grateful. He sat down beside me on the bench and recited a haiku.

Girl of such sorrow,
Please come out of the darkness,
To show your beauty.

My eyes widen. His words struck a chord somewhere within my heart. Is he making an attempt to understand me? Why would he do such a thing? Is there something within me that he seeks? Who is he?

However, to have another understand what I am… perhaps to value what I am… that would be… agreeable.

In a few moments, I turn to him and mutter my reply; one of my own creations.

Humans fear the dark.
With fire, they scrape it gone.
Their hearts are still black.

The boy raised a grey eyebrow.

"You're not bad."

As he makes this reply I feel strange. It feels unfamiliar, but I do not hate it; I feel… that I have done something worthwhile. I like this feeling, and I am curious. I want to feel more. I stare into his dark, dark eyes and wonder; why is he here talking to me? What is his purpose? What could he gain out of drawing me out of my darkness? I do not understand.

I suddenly remember what he was about to do on the roof that day. It was unpleasant.

"You shouldn't smoke."

His other eyebrow rose.

"Now where did that come from?" He said in a positively airy manner.

My eyes narrow slightly as I feel my lower lip pout of its own accord. This is a serious matter, I do not like his easy going demeanour.

"Smoking is harmful both to you and those around you. You shouldn't be selfish."

"That's why I went to the roof Miss Ayanami… besides, I only smoke when I'm bored or feel that I'm going to be bored…" He gasped softly as he mentioned this. Why? Was he embarrassed about something?

(/Rain/)

Damn… I should not have reminded her of that. It was not going very well. I tried my best to win her with my smile, but it just didn't work. That last bad impression was also still there. It was already all I could do to keep a cool face. At least she responded well to my poem… or did she? Black hearts…

Come to think of it, getting her to talk this much was an achievement already. At that moment I realized I had been staring at her in silence for five seconds when she blinked. I turned away, mind racing to think of a way to keep up the conversation.

I gave huge mental sigh of relief when Rei herself took the initiative.

"Why did you prevent me from falling?"

I looked at her again; she was staring at me intently with what seemed like an expectant look. I had the words in my mind this time; it was just a matter of choosing between the truthful, boring words and the slightly false, charming words. As an adept at sweet talk (Comes with being a poet), making the charming words seem natural wouldn't be a problem for me… but it just wouldn't feel right, somehow.

"No one can watch a girl jump off a building and not want to save her. It's a natural thing." I replied as-a-matter-of-factly.

It's times like these when I doubt I have balls.

"I see." she replied in barely a whisper. Was that disappointment in her voice? No, I must be imagining it.

I decided to take it a little further…

"So Miss Ayanami… do you have a dream?"

She stared at me and whispered unsurely: "Why do you want to know?"

"I want to see your smile." I told her honestly. The subtle approach had failed; I was now trying the direct approach.

She simply stared at me, not saying a word. I wished madly that I knew what was going on in her mind. Was I not doing enough? Does she find me a nuisance? What must I do now to put a smile on her face?

Was that all I could do? I wanted to say so much more, but I didn't have the confidence to do so, I don't know how she'd react. Those unspoken words boiled within me and set my heart aflutter with anxiety. The sparkle I saw in those intense eyes of hers. How much I wanted to see them again. How much I wanted to see myself in them. How much I wanted to make her smile. How much I… STOP! I've… only just met her. This is… insane!

I stood up abruptly, vaguely noticing that she had been looking at me strangely.

"I-I forgot my... pink lunchbox. Good d-day"

With that I left without another word.

/Rei/

I passively watch the odd boy stalk away, my mind thoroughly befuddled. Was it something I did? Was I too silent for him? I couldn't help it; I couldn't think of any words, I was too nervous. That must be it… I never know what to do with people. Even though someone finally wanted to know me… perhaps understand me.

I was startled as I paused to think about what had just happened. I had exchanged more words and emotions with the boy in these few moments than I have in… too long. I felt… alive. My heart was beating fast with energy and emotion. It shouldn't have ended so soon… I wanted it to go on.

…No matter. I have work to do. I have expended enough time. I look back down at my chemistry textbook. Organic compounds. In this syllabus, there are three kinds to know; alkanes, alkenes and… I can't… I grasp my forehead in frustration.

A sense of dreariness is preventing my mind from concentrating. What is causing this? I feel as if… I have lost something, but what? What do I have to lose?

The boy…? Impossible. He doesn't belong to me.

After wondering more about it for several minutes I decide that I will not be able to find an answer. This is troubling indeed. Perhaps I am unwell. I will have to see Doctor Akagi about this.

/Rei/

I rap the door leading to Doctor Akagi's office twice. In a moment, I hear a lady's voice granting me permission to enter.

"Come in."

I pull the lever of the door, pushed it open, and stepped into the room. It was a run-of-the-mill office. File cabinets lining the walls, desk with various documents arranged neat in trays, plants, coffee machines and mugs. Sunlight was pouring in from the window at the back of the office. Doctor Akagi looked up from her desk and glanced at me over her glasses.

"May I help you Rei?"

I respected Dr. Akagi for her level-mindedness and ability to handle any sort of situation with logic and calm cool, something that I wished to emulate. I feel comfortable when she deals with me with her characteristic business-like manner; no personal feelings have to be involved. Other than this, I don't really know her as a person.

"I…" As I spoke this first word, my conversation with the grey haired boy whose name I did not remember came to mind. The feeling of dreariness returned in full force "…am feeling unwell."

Doctor Akagi's eyes widened a fraction. She hurriedly replied without taking her eyes off me.

"Please, take a seat."

She stared at me with a thoughtful expression, as I strode toward her table and lowered myself into a chair in front of her table.

"Would you like some coffee?" She asked politely. I shook my head.

"So, can you tell me exactly how you feel?"

I stay silent for a moment to collect my thoughts.

"I… am unable to concentrate on my study… I feel… troubled."

The blonde took off her glasses as she raised an eyebrow.

"Troubled?" She repeated pensively. "What happened before that? Do you remember?"

"I was speaking to a boy."

At these words Doctor Akagi's lower jaw dropped a fraction.

"Tell me more about what happened. Describe it to me. The more detail, the better."

/Rei/

I reached the point in my recount were I had rebuked the boy with grey hair about his smoking habits. I talked about how I was annoyed at his airy manner and how I couldn't reply when he said that he had purposefully looked for a secluded area.

"…And when I-"

I paused. It would not do to tell Dr. Akagi that I had tried to take my life. I'd have to find a way out of this. I look at her face to see her reaction. Already she seems suspicious.

"When you…?" Parroted Dr. Akagi, hurrying me to continue. That won't work; I have more control and finesse than to spit out something embarrassing.

"I am sorry. When he asked me what my dream was-"

I feel myself ease up as I narrowly avoid touching on the subject.

"-I… didn't know what to say. I didn't know if I could trust him."

Dr. Akagi took off her glasses and looked at me pensively. She took a deep breath.

"I should have had this chat with you earlier Rei, but its better late then never."

She looked at the cat figurines in her table and fiddled with one of them a little.

"Rei, the time you spend in school is the time you come into contact with people who more or less are with you not because they have something to gain from you but people who are with you because of circumstances. The former is in the adult world."

Dr. Akagi paused for a moment as she leisurely took a sip of coffee from her coffee mug.

"Their motives are blissfully free of sin or vice… mostly. Though some of them are careless with how they treat others feelings, they are well meaning on the whole. Innocent. The friends you gain here will last you a lifetime, often through thick and thin."

Dr Akagi looked at me with a small smile on her mouth and a twinkle in her eyes.

"This boy seems interested in you despite your efforts to distance yourself from everyone, why don't you see how he's like?"

I am still unsure. There was a part of me that wanted to see more, it is curious of the world that lies undiscovered. There was also a part of me that was reluctant, untrusting, that wanted to cling on to the security of solitude.

"How will I know I can trust him?"

"Listen to the small voice within you, the one that's hard to hear. Do as your heart tells you. You'll know when it does."

(/Rain/)

I resolved to avoid her. I didn't want to risk troubling her with my childish infatuation; I have more self-control then that. Yesterday was just plain stupidity for me. I should not have bothered. It was recess, and I was walking around the school aimlessly, hoping that I wouldn't bump into her. I didn't want to embarrass myself, and was not in the mood to eat at all. I was feeling too dreary. Before I knew it, I was on the roof of the school block. Why did I come here? Stupid place to come, brings back memories… How the wind howls… was it like this then?

I sat down and took out a pack of tarot cards out of my pocket. I think of a subject, then randomly pick a card, and then try to guess it's meaning in relation to what I thought. It's ludicrous, but good fun I find. As I shuffled it slowly, over and over, I thought of Ayanami, hoping I would get some insight. After shuffling it, I flipped over the topmost card.

It was Death.

After staring at it for a moment, I chuckle with perverse amusement. I stow away my pack of cards and decided to take a better view of the school. I walked over to the railings and leant against them. Moments passed as I tried to think of how Ayanami might have been feeling before she tried to jump.

I stare forward into midair and see Rei's eyes staring back at me. The emotions I felt when I looked into her eyes that day returned to me… sympathy, inspiration, and… feeling needed? Even her illusion had such a great effect on me.

I close my eyes as opposing forces of my heart and my ego did furious battle. Was it worth it? Embarrassment… was nothing compared to what I felt as I gazed into her ruby eyes. I… wanted to feel what her smile was like.

"She… has no one." I said quietly.

(/Rain/)

I sat cross-legged at the firm and coarse roots of a tree in the school field as I looked up and glimpsed golden rays filter through the overhanging leaves and branches. The wind caressed my body and brought with it its pleasant melody. Before me lies a field, within which cicadas could be heard, chirping their indecipherable song over and over... At the moment, I was enjoying my favourite pastime; thinking.

Do as your heart tells you. You'll know when it does.

Those were the words from Doctor Akagi… I just don't know if I can feel it anymore.

Girl of such sorrow,
Please come out of the darkness,
To show your beauty.

Who are you? What are you searching for?

I want to see your smile.

I cannot do that. There was never a reason to smile... but why mine?

Never before has anyone approached me the way he has before. Other boys have approached me in the past. They were all the same, superficial and overly invasive. I never gave them much thought. When Rain looked into my eyes... I felt that he was trying looking into my very soul. Yet I was unafraid. For his curiosity was strangely childlike. I was at ease...

"Please excuse this interruption. Mr. Rain of Class 2A please report to the principle's office immediately." Announced a sonorous voice over the intercom.

Rain… a strange name. Storms… the intensity of heavy emotions, the ending of a cycle… like Death. It's just another person.

All of a sudden, words spoken days ago enter my head: "Mr. Rain! I am sure that you are aware that smoking in school is strictly prohibited!"

This revelation strikes me with the force of a thunderbolt. The boy with grey hair… his name was Rain? I… want to see him. I stand up from my seat of grass at the base of the tree and make my way towards the principal's office.

(/Rain/)

My footsteps were masked by the hustle and bustle of the students that filled the hallway within which I approached the principal's office. I could guess what this was about: my smoking. That wretched Horaki. She's just a control freak.

My suspicion was confirmed when the principal gave me an ages long lecture regarding the sanctity of health and the air, and how I'd be such a good student if only I didn't smoke, only pausing to wake me up several times. Teachers are all the same. They understand so little.

I gave my best reassurances, which might not have been my best because of my partial stupor, when he was finished and bowed out of the office. That does it….

"Rain…?"

…No more smoking in school, the sanity of the students and teachers around me will suffer if need be and… what?

I turned to my side and saw Rei standing there, staring at me. My heart leapt to my throat as I sought to think my way out of this. Though that was impossible, my mind was completely blank. We just stood there staring at each other as the students around walked by each other, talking at various volumes as they did. I knew I had to say something… but what?

Then the bell rang, announcing the end of recess. It wasn't really a bell, but a melody of chimes that were clearly audible, yet pleasant to the ear.

At this instant, I broke eye contact with her as I realized that we'd have to be in class soon. Nervously, but surely I looked back at her. I screwed my courage in its sticking place and took the initiative.

I smiled.

"It looks like we don't have time to stare at each other as much as we'd like. Come back here after school and we'll have ice cream. My treat."

With that I turned to leave. Never before have I anticipated the end of school bell so much…

/Rei/

"Wait!" I call out to him as he walked away.

He turned around to look at me with an enquiring expression on his face.

"The way to our class is not that way… Were you not… in the same one as I?"

He continued staring at me with a blank expression on his face.

"Aahh… I knew that." He said, eyes shifting here and there.

I was somehow not convinced by his answer, but I chose not pursue it.

"Let us go then." I said as I turned around.

"Y-yes."

As we walked to class, Rain did something strange.

He walked beside me.

Other students were also walking in the same direction as us, but Rain was much closer to me. It felt strange, unfamiliar. I have observed others walking in groups before, but this is the first time I have experienced it for myself. Is this feeling… belonging? Friendship?

I turn to look at him when he noticed me looking in his direction and hurriedly looked away from me. What was he doing?

/Rei/

We arrived in class. I glanced at Rain and saw him smile and wave at me before heading down the first row of aisles from the door. Should I have said or did something? Perhaps the next time I'll try waving…

I continue walking down to the other end of the class. It seems Rain and I was sitting at opposite ends of the class. As I make my way across the blackboard, I catch snatches of whispering…

"…With Ayanami?"

"What's Rain's angle?"

I reach the aisle leading to my seat.

"…Are they together?"

"Impossible."

I've never bothered with their meaningless banter.

When I reached my seat, I settled down and set up my laptop. There was still my history essay to complete. It was currently a free period so I had plenty of time.

My fingers flew nimbly over the keyboard, turning thought into word, adding volume to the steadily growing mass of text. Facts and dates appeared in my mind one after another, assembling themselves into a coherent whole. I had already studied the chapter beforehand, so time taken for reference was kept to a minimum. Finally, after half an hour of typing, I was done. My head was getting heavy... I had concentrated too hard. I allowed myself a small yawn before lowering my head into my folded arms on the table... staring into the darkness of my eyelids.

Other

Casting a glance to Ayanami's sleeping form, Touji leant and faced backwards to look at Kensuke.

"Yes Touji?"

"Noticed the new couple today?"

"Seems like weirdoes attract weirdoes." said Kensuke as he pushed his glasses up in contemplation.

"You mean Ayanami and Rain?"

"Yeah, them."

"I'm still surprised someone like Rain has the balls to ask anyone out. Pansy sweet talker."

"Have YOU asked a girl out before, Touji?" retorted Kensuke, indignant of his friend's hypocrisy.

"S-sure I have!"

"Oh really? Who?" Exclaimed Kensuke, his eyes wide, enjoying every moment as he interrogated his hapless buddy.

"Hi-Hikari…!" Gasped Touji as if he was on his last breath. We all know that he was telling the truth don't we?

"Did someone call my name?" called out Hikari from the other side of the class, as she walked in Touji's direction.

"Touji, you're sweating." said Kensuke plainly.

Hikari arrived at Kensuke's table as Touji fought to retain his composure.

"Hey Hikari! We were just talking about Rain and Ayanami!" said Touji in an overly cheerful tone.

"…And how did my name find myself into the conversation?" Hikari folded her arms and frowned in suspicion.

"Eeeeerrrr….."

"We just wanted your opinion Hikari." said Kensuke, quickly stepping in to save his overwhelmed comrade before his 'Eerr' could grow any longer.

"Oh is that it?" said Hikari crisply, as her eyes narrowed, looking to her side.

"I think he should just leave Ayanami alone and keep his dirty habits to himself."

The two boys stared wide-eyed at Hikari's sudden display of contempt.

"Why-" Began Touji, but he was cut off by Kensuke.

"Why do you hate him so much?"

"He doesn't seem to have any regard for the rules at all. He's a menace!"

"He hasn't caused half as much trouble as Touji…"

"Hey!"

"I just… don't like him."

/Rei/

The sky was grey. The ground was totally black and covered with shadow. Along a narrow path with thorny vines and branches cutting me and impeding my progress, I was running... running after a cloaked man. I didn't know why I was chasing him... but I felt that he had something I needed. I cried out for him to halt his pace, cried that I didn't want to stay here. He stopped, and turned around. Setting my eyes on his bony, white visage, which was partially shrouded in shadow, I walked slowly up to him, with my arm outstretched as extended his bone thin arm towards me.

Then I saw a dark green moth fly between the cloaked figure and I. I am distracted. What is a moth doing here? I am curious. My eyes followed the moth as it fluttered away. I turn away from the cloaked figure, quickly losing interest in it. How would I capture the moth?

Then it came to me. I reached into my chest and drew out a tiny flame and held it before my eyes. The flame grew larger and more intense, casting its soft light upon my pale face and illuminating my blood red eyes. The moth, intrigued by this flickering wonder, glided tentatively towards my burning palm. Yes... come see my flame. Bask in its warmth. The moth seemingly mesmerised by the fire from my heart, lands on my wrist as it slowly fans its wings, soaking up heat and light.

The cloaked man, enraged for being ignored, made a desperate seize for the moth. He is strong. I am unable to fend him off effectively. It was all I could do to prevent his claws from crushing the moth in an instant. Then, by the light of my fire, I see his face... it was a monstrosity. Flesh was rotting off his cheeks, his eyes were unfocused and heavily bloodshot, and his teeth were either black or dirty yellow. I try running, but the thorny vines have entangled my legs, rooting me the ground. Fresh blood flows down my exposed legs as the sharp thorns gouge deep into my flesh.

In desperation, I intensify my flame, and cover my body in it, immolating both the moth and myself. The moth catches fire and breaks up into tiny pieces, making a strange beeping sound as it does...

I look up and see my computer screen... I have a message from Rain.

Mai Sensei is here.

(/Rain/)

Her lips caress the cold, creamy texture of the spherical lump of vanilla ice cream as she took the tinniest nibble before parting with it. Blood rushed to my face, as I perceive her tongue travel in slow motion up higher, and higher, before retreating back slowly into the cave of wonders, creamy vanilla spreading deliciously through her mouth... I look away.

So I'm a guy.

My ice cream was fine thank you. It was peppermint by the way.

Rei and I were sitting in a corner of the cafeteria, leisurely enjoying our ice cream cones. At the moment, we were both silent. Seems she enjoys thinking as well. School had been out for some time so even the cafeteria was silent as well.

"So-"

"Why-"

We both stopped our sentences as abruptly as we began.

"Ladies first." I say, as I hid my nervousness.

"Why… were you looking for my smile… this morning?" She looked at me with her innocent, crimson eyes. I had the suspicion that I would never be able to lie to her. I would just die of guilt if I did.

I was also pleasantly surprised by how to the point she was.

Once again, many lines filled my head, lines used by the hero in the stories and plays we learn about in Literature, words spoken by the suave protagonist we see in romantic films, words… that would lack sincerity. Once again, I decided on the truth.

"Sorry for not telling you sooner but… I'm painting a picture of you."

"With my smile?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

I could not give her an immediate reply. I wasn't very sure myself; I had made the decision rather impulsively. After a moment's thought, I arrived at an answer.

"I believe that it would be something worth remembering... you should really smile more… Ayanami."

/Rei/

I can feel the rising heat in my neck and cheeks as I avoid looking to my left, where Rain was sitting. I felt a small glow in my heart I never knew could exist. For the first time in a long time, I could say that I liked how I felt. Someone appreciated me.

"Is that fine with you?" Asks Rain, with a note of uncertainty in his voice.

"It… does not trouble me."

"Eerr… that's good then."

Speaking my mind didn't seem… appropriate at the moment. Even at this point, I still could not share all my feelings with him.

"Is the picture completed yet?"

"No… it isn't… in fact I've noticed a few inaccuracies."

He looked me up and down and looked away, blushing, his grey hair waving as he turned. For some strange reason I found that… adorable.

"So… would you… be my model?"

I looked at him. I know that I want to but… he is asking me to decide for myself, I don't know what to do.

Do as your heart tells you.

My heart… thanks to him, it doesn't feel so empty anymore.

"…Yes… I will."

(/Rain/)

I walked along the common corridor leading to my flat, mindful of Rei's footsteps behind me. I could also hear that the wretched construction site nearby had started work again. For some strange reason, I could feel an aura of delicacy emanating from Rei, and felt that it as my duty to see to her needs, as I would be her host. I stared ahead of me, hoping that my neighbours would be minding their own business.

"MY LORD! Rain is bringing a GIRL to his house!"

"Let's quicken our pace shall we…" I said hurriedly to Rei, as I turned back to look at her.

She nodded in agreement, seemingly worried about what my nosey and noisy neighbour was so excited about.

"Hey, she's cute too! Lucky bastard."

Love thy neighbour they say… not as if I'm trying anything…

I retrieved my key from my wallet as I reached my door and hastily unlocked it. When Rei came in, I slammed the door shut, locked it, and kicked the rug against the opening under the door. It was very dim in the house at the moment; I had left the blinds closed.

"You haven't had lunch have you?" I asked Rei as I took off my shoes.

"No."

"Sorry I've only got instant, that ok with you?"

I walk into the kitchen to retrieve the required ingredients and prepare the stove.

"It is not required of you…"

"Naah, it's my pleasure..." I call from the kitchen, smiling to myself. "You are my guest, and my responsibility."

/Rei/

I stood in the living room, red in the face, staring at Rain's back. I was his responsibility? I've never asked for his care, but he has given it anyway. He even noticed I haven't had lunch. Being cared for by another… I like this feeling. It felt like... that day on the rooftop, I just didn't know I liked it.

As Rain busied himself with lunch, I take the chance to look around his flat. Its basic structure was exactly the same as my own. I surmised that the same company probably built it, as my block of flats was just one block away. It was strange that we've never met each other before.

In the centre of his flat sat an old darned and stitched armchair. As there was no bed to be seen, that's probably where he slept. Right next to it was a candle stand with a dribbled wax candle stuck to it.

Against the white painted wall, there lay a sizable wooden chest that kept clothes, as seen by the sleeve hanging out of the closed lid. Next to it, laid an incomplete picture of the city skyline. I walk toward the green blinds that obscured the balcony and pulled them open. I squint as bright light flooded the room, before me loomed the very same skyline in the picture. Not a bad view.

The picture on an easel catches my eye. I leave the blinds open and walk over the inspect it. My eyes widen with surprise as I gaze at myself in the picture. He had drawn me as I was falling from the rooftop. I was impressed by the way my arm was outstretched toward the viewer; I could tell that his perspective was well judged.

It was a surreal experience, seeing myself, as I was that time in this picture. I saw something wrong though; I was smiling. I looked… blissful. My expression was that of joy and contentment.

I stood there for moments, entranced by the bizarre picture. Same as me but at the same time… not. Why did he draw such an expression? Joy and contentment was alien to my mind at that time. To experience such joy…

A tinge of sorrow touched my heart. This is a picture of impossibility.

(/Rain/)

Curry plus ramen equals food of the universe. Rei seemed sullen as she dug into her portion though. Well, more so then usual. Maybe I was just a bad cook.

My kitchen had a coffee table we were sitting at, and I had the foresight to get an extra stool that would never see use if I didn't have a guest. Which was practically a law of nature.

I wondered what was on her mind.

"Rei?"

Rei looked up from her noodles.

"What's on your mind?"

I love being straight to the point.

Rei gazed at me unblinkingly, her fork poised in midair. I simply stared back. The staring game continued on in silence moment after moment, but none of us looked as if we were planning to make a move. Her gaze seemed to be boring right into my skull… in a cute way.

Then she blinked. With great effort, I resisted the urge to cheer gleefully at this victory. I didn't want to derail her train of thought. Perhaps she just needed encouraging. I swallow a mouthful.

"What is happiness?" She suddenly asked.

Or not. A tough question nonetheless. It's time for seriousness.

"Well… in my opinion, everyone's version of happiness is different, and I cannot tell what yours is. I can tell you my own, however."

She listens intently as I take a sip from my cup of plain green tea.

"Living with a clear conscience and without regret, for the purpose I have chosen for myself… no one can choose your purpose, only you can."

I glance at the meagre living room behind Rei.

"Worked well for me so far eh?"

/Rei/

Rain… he had just used my first name and thought nothing of it. I didn't really think anything of it either; it was just… unusual. Maybe it was because he has only one name himself?

"What about you Rei? I'd like to hear your thoughts."

I have never shared my thoughts and feelings with anyone before; I never thought that anyone would be interested. If Rain would like to know me… then why not let him? There was a problem though…

"I've never really thought of my own happiness… I have my duty to fulfil."

"No wonder you seem so sad all the time. It's also your duty to take care of yourself you know?" He said in a soft voice, staring straight into my eyes.

There was something about this boy…

"Why are you so kind to me?"

"To be honest, I need you." He told me as he gently stared into my eyes, with a serene smile on his face.

He laughed nervously as his eyes stared down attentively at his noodles, while my face grew increasingly warm. He didn't seem to have the slightest idea… what those words had meant to me.

"Do… you mean that?" I whisper, my voice wavering slightly.

"Yeah I do."

I feel the corners of my lips curl up faintly of their own accord. I felt warm inside.

"...Really?"

"Of course… I have to complete your picture," he said as if he were referring to the answer to a math question.

I couldn't help it. An energetic bubble welled up inside me and rose up into my chest; I giggled. Softly.

"What's so funny?" He asked, smiling himself.

"Nothing... nothing at all."

"You don't have to do it if you don't want to though," he added quickly as an afterthought.

"Isn't this your work?" I asked him.

"You can tell?" he asked, mildly surprised. "I don't remember mentioning it..."

"Judging from the state of your dwelling, your skill with the brush and the anomalies in your behaviour, that is the logical deduction." I stated promptly in a single breath.

His body shook as he laughed heartily. He really seemed to find it amusing.

"I like the way you don't hold back. It's hard to find honesty like that nowadays. Don't worry about the painting by the way, I won't sell it without your permission."

"Why... did you choose me then?" I quickly asked, surprised at his decision. Wouldn't his primary concern as an artist be completing and selling pictures?

He looked to a corner uneasily and pouted his lip by a fraction, a slight blush on his face.

"Can I just say I chose to?"

This response is inadequate if I am to properly assess his reason for drawing my-

"Come on we don't have all day, and we still have your portrait to complete." He stood up abruptly, walked towards me and half dragged me from the kitchen.

(/Rain/)

"Rei? Do you think you can smile for the portrait?"

Although I was asking her, I already knew the answer… At the moment, Rei and I were in a lift, heading to the ground floor.

"Why?" She asked.

Ooh… she really knew what questions to ask.

"Well… because I… like your smile…" I looked to a corner of the lift, feeling awkward.

There was a silent moment in which I was simply looking away from Rei and Rei remaining, well, silent.

"I… would like to but…"

I look up and stare into her face. She really looked sorry, and I didn't think she was lying at all. If she really has difficulty… then there was only one way. I grab her shoulders and look into her eyes as a mad sense of confidence fills my heart.

"Just for today… I want you to forget about everything, my work, your duty, your life… and come with me… I promise I will make you smile."

She stared wide-eyed at me, speechless. In those eyes I could once again see the same emotions as I did that fateful day, reinforcing my determination… only this time there was a tiny spark of hope shining beneath the sea of crimson sorrow.

Moments passed, as we simply stood there staring at each other, oblivious to the halting of the lift's humming and the sounds of the lift doors opening.

Someone cleared a throat.

"I am sorry to interrupt this great moment… but this is a public lift. See that sign? It says no making out."

Love thy neighbour. Love thy neighbour. Love thy neighbour. Love thy neighbour. Love thy neighbour…

(/Rei/)

By the hand, Rain led me down the stairs of a disused underpass. A thick layer of dust lying on the stairs muffled our footsteps as we made our way down. The bare, concrete walls were cracked and covered with all sorts of colourful graffiti. It was dank, and dim. A few of the lights were still operational, and some were only flickering, but most were out of order.

He led me to the very centre of the tunnel, let go of my hand, crossed his arms, and faced me.

"Okay. Let it all out." he said with a small, mischievous smile on his face.

What did he mean? I was bemused.

Sensing my puzzlement, he told me: "Just do as I do."

He took a few steps back, took in a huge breath of air and shouted at the top of his lungs.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH"

After he was done, he bent over and started chuckling.

"Aahh… that always does it for me… your turn."

I feel reluctant. This is so alien to me. Such an intense outburst of raw emotion… he is asking me to do that? I am not sure if I can…

"Rei? Just do it. I guarantee you'll like it."

I consider this for a few moments… and finally conclude that I believe him.

I take in a huge breath of air myself, held it for a moment, then let it all loose. I felt my throat straining as the sound of my high-pitched scream echoed through the underpass. I felt the energy drain out of my solar plexus along with every single pent up emotion in my body. Every suppressed wish, every tinge of frustration, every nuance of despair was simply converted into sound, and banished from my body.

I've never felt this way before, not once in my life. I felt free, as if nothing in the world ever mattered. So this is how it feels… to let go.

When my lungs had expended its last scrap of air, I slouched forward in temporary exhaustion. Panting heavily, I noticed that I felt lighter, that my body was filled with buoyant energy… and that Rain was laying spread eagle on the ground, out cold.

At this moment, other voices echo through the tunnel

"This is the police!"

"Stop where you are!"

"What do you think you're doing!"

…What?

(/Rain/)

I was still feeling a little woozy when I stepped out of the police post. I should've known that a girl like Rei would pack a serious punch. Silly me.

We just got let off with a warning. At least that's what they wanted it to look like. Seriously, who would think of outlawing shouting in disused underground passes?

At this moment, I noticed an unshaven man with a ponytail far in the distance, smiling slyly at me with a lighted cigarette in his mouth. He was wearing black pants and a green shirt, which had its first two buttons unbuttoned. Who is that weird guy? Before I could take a closer look, he had disappeared into the crowd. Oh well…

I looked at Rei. She wasn't smiling, but there was definitely an improvement in her atmosphere. It wasn't gloomy anymore; it was… warm. Her strides were longer, and she was actually swinging her arms.

I smiled inwardly as I noted these details.

What she needs now is fun. Lots of it.

I started smiling very outwardly.

The next item on the agenda… is paintball.

(/Rain/)

I dart behind a rock as the hail of paintballs fired in my direction graze pass its side.

Okay. She is good. This girl is full of surprises… and she moves like a demon. I thought I'd go easy on her at first but I didn't know she was this good. Now that she knows my position, it's going to be difficult… I suddenly hear a twig snap not so far to my right. Impossible… I didn't even hear her!

Taking advantage of the split second she'd be distracted by the snapping twig, I dive out of the rock's cover, fire a shot in her general direction, and roll behind a log. There was enough time for me to see that she had anticipated my attack and had taken cover.

We were in the Autumn Zone. The trees in the area bore leaves of either red or yellow. The ground was littered with leaves of the same colour. Rei had chosen the red leaf camouflage and I had chosen the moss pattern camouflage. I understand that I would stand out very much with this… but this was the best camouflage for all the good sniping spots… if I could just get to them.

I was using a paintball replica of the Mosin Nagant. It was a bolt-action sniper rifle, which was complete with telescopic sight. Rei however, opted to use the FA-MAS rifle, which was capable of firing full-auto. Even though my rifle should be more accurate than hers, if I try to engage her in a firefight, I am simply asking to have her give my body a paint job. I had to lose her, and quick. I discharge the spent shell from my rifle and ponder my next move.

I could take a smoke… I'd shoot better with it… naah, better not.

/Rei/

Rain has definitely received some sort of combat training. His movements are hard to predict… and he seems to be able to anticipate my actions… His rifle is also disturbing. He could hit me a hundred yards away and I wouldn't even know what hit me.

I shouldn't dally. Taking advantage of my superior firepower would be most advantageous at the moment. I have to force him into a confrontation before I lose him. I cannot go charging in however…

I slowly peep out from behind the redwood tree I was using as cover and look at the log that Rain was hiding behind. My first flank had failed… this one won't.

The closest sniping spot is about fifty yards from my position. That should be where he's headed. If I can get there before him…

/Rei/

Rain seems to be a bona fide sniper. Not wishing to be troubled by the rigours of close combat, he seems to prefer dealing with his targets from a distance, from where they can least affect him. I wonder what made him engage me in combat…

I crouch in the shadows as I patiently await his arrival… and sure enough, slowly but surely, a green figure, which was almost totally blended into the mossy crags, inched into view. I creep quietly from my hiding place, sneaking stealthily up to him… as he looks through the scope of his rifle. As I approach him, I level my rifle at his head and mutter: "Freeze."

"How did you…?"

(/Rain/)

"Did you have fun Rei?"

Rei and I were sitting near a vending machine, enjoying canned green tea. It was humbling experience for 'The End' as they call me. Hope the gang doesn't hear of this… especially that Aida Kensuke.

"It was exciting… because I knew I couldn't hurt you."

I look at her… and smile.

"I'm glad to hear that."

This defeat didn't feel as bad as I thought it would… Rei had fun, and that was all that mattered.

We talked about each other's thoughts during battle. I found that Rei had similar algorithms to a hardened, experienced soldier. This was fascinating to see in a fourteen-year-old schoolgirl. It seems that you never really know someone… until you fight him or her. Rei was extremely cunning. I wouldn't be surprised to see an insufferably mischievous girl underneath her shell.

"…It was easy to predict where you were heading based on your equipment… but still, it was rather impressive that you could compete with me in gun-fighting for so long."

"Heh, I guess I really underestimated you, Rei."

Where shall we go now? Oh yes…

I stood up from the bench, turned to face Rei, and lowered my head so it was just inches from hers.

"Rei? Let's go to a love hotel."

She stared at me with an inscrutable expression on her face… after a few moments of staring I burst out laughing.

"I swear I almost thought you blushed there."

I hurriedly turned away and looked at a squirrel bound its way up a tree along the boulevard we were on. I was nearly blushing myself. What a silly thing to say.

"Thank you… Rain."

I am mildly surprised when I hear these words, and a little bit puzzled.

"What?"

"Thank you for spending time with me. I enjoyed it."

Her voice was shy, and face turned a healthy shade of pink when she said this. She just looked at me, her eyes shining slightly.

I smiled back at her.

"Think it's about time we get to your portrait?"

I extended my palm toward her.

"Come with me?"

"Yes… let's go together."

As she placed her hand in mine, her lips curled up ever so slightly. Though it was small, this smile was absolutely radiant to me. At this moment, I strongly felt that it was worth it being alive.

"It's great being your best friend, Rei."

/Rei/

Rain dragged his beloved and battered armchair toward the purple curtains, and opened the curtains so that there was a beam of light shining onto it.

"Sit here as I draw please. Just make yourself comfortable."

"Why there?" I asked him.

"Well… from this angle, it's harder to tell from the picture that we're in such a dump... well, at least it's homey."

I walked toward the chair as Rain went about selecting pigments for the portrait and sat down. Did Rain just reply to himself?

Finally, the pigments had been mixed and the easel had been set up.

"Here I go…"

With his brush poised over his palette, he gazed intently into my eyes for what seemed like both eternity and an instant at the same time. Nothing stirred as our gazes locked, both seeking to behold that which lay deeper within… Through his eyes I saw adoration, I've seen it in the eyes of fathers tending to their children… but I saw uncertainty as well.

I see…

It's time I trusted someone.

I cast away the veil behind my eyes… and let my emotions for this boy, take their natural place. I smiled. For the first time in my life, I could call someone a friend. I was glad. Glad that Rain was here.

The uncertainty in his eyes melted away, replaced by sentiments of… contentment?

"You still haven't told me why you wanted to draw me." I ask him gently.

He made bold, calculated strokes in swift succession.

"Tell me… what do you think is a purpose of a picture?"

In this situation, the subject exists not in the mind, but in physical reality. Me. So… the answer shouldn't have anything to do with artistic expression…

"To capture moments in reality?" I answer with relative confidence.

He smiles at my answer.

"If that were true, then why didn't artists go extinct with the invention of the camera?" He asks with a cocked eyebrow. "Photographers are artists in their own right, but let's focus on the camera for now."

I ponder this for a moment. The biggest difference between an artist and a camera… both are intricate systems with their own level of complexity, carrying out their intended purpose by skilful manipulation of cause and effect… just that…

"Well, we are actually close to being extinct, but that's-"

"Is it because an artist possesses and utilizes a soul?"

He looks at me, his eyes widened a little in admiration.

"You have no idea how hard it is to get an answer like that out of anyone else. I was right about you Rei."

He stuck his thumb in the air and stretched his fist in my direction, staring methodically at me from behind it. He was judging perspective.

"The textbook answer is: 'Artists can perceive and draw out the inner beauty of the subject, showing the world what they can see with their soul.' It's the same with poets and writers, we simply use different mediums."

"I don't understand. Why do people care about such things? Why do you care about such things? Such a skill doesn't warm the body nor fill the belly."

Such skills are not practical at all. The Commander definitely wouldn't hear of them. I remember wishing so much for crayons as a child…

"Yes… noble practicality. Without it, our world would be gone… however, we must never forget the answer to why we would want to sustain the world at all."

He looks into my eyes, melding our gazes once more.

"For me, it's beauty, life, and love… and I haven't answered your question yet…"

"Your presence of mind is impressive."

"It's only like that sometimes, most of the time I get carried away and never come back..."

I had a sudden, unexplainable urge to roll my eyes.

"ANYWAY…"

He dropped his brush into a cup of water and picked up a slightly smaller one.

"When I saved you from falling that day… I felt that I hadn't completely done so. I'd regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't finish the job. Since I knew it was within my power to save you..."

My jaw drops slowly… he was doing all that… for this?

"I want to show you your beauty, through my art, Rei. I… want to save your soul as well."

His gaze intensified… it was as if there was a fire beneath it.

"I swear I will complete this picture."

I beamed… at the wonderful boy before me.

"It's a promise…"

(/Rain/)

I arrived in school the next morning, actually happy about doing something. Thanks to Rei, I felt that my art was worth having. It was almost dark by the time I walked her home. The girl cares so little about herself, can't stop worrying unless she's safely at in her house.

Where was she anyway? She wasn't at home when I went to pick her up.

As I put my foot through the boundary of the school gates, there was immediately an announcement summoning me to the principle's office. Something definitely smelled…

/Rain/

As I reached the door of the principal's office, my aged history teacher hurriedly approached me. His expression was that of nervousness and he looked as if he possessed an urgent matter to attend to.

"Rain! The man waiting for you in the principal's room, he's the Supreme Commander of NERV!"

My mind boggled.

All I could manage was: "…What?"

Impatience mingled with the mixture of emotions on his face.

"You don't have to understand! Just be very careful! Don't say anything offensive! He's a powerful man."

You'd think the words 'Supreme Commander' would tell me that. I had no idea what in the world was NERV though… the militant wing of some health organization? I do smoke, but it's just not big enough for the Supreme Commander to visit me personally for. It must be some kind of publicity stunt…

I walked through the door, and saw a man sitting at the principal's chair. He was a middle-aged man wearing a black suit. He was wearing large, rectangular glasses that were not tinted, but clear. He had allowed his beard to connect to his sideburns, but it was relatively clean and even. His posture was slightly leant forward, his hands forming a bridge at his mouth.

My real principal, however, was cowering in the corner at the man's side, seemingly in a state of utter terror.

When the man noticed me, he looked at me like I was a particularly big fly asking to be swatted. I stared back emotionlessly. This man had a formidable, oppressive atmosphere about him; I didn't think I'd ever have the energy to compete with him emotionally should I have to. I suppressed my emotions and gave him the look of a sphinx in order to protect my mind.

It's also known as raising my A.T Field.

"You are Rain?" He asked in a raspy voice.

"Yes."

"Sit."

I position myself in a seat in front of the desk and look at the Commander's left ear.

"Do you know who I am?"

I almost feel grateful to my history teacher.

"The Supreme Commander of NERV?"

"Now that we know each other there is no need to introduce ourselves."

He looked into my eyes sternly as I stare back defiantly. Whoever the hell he was, he sure had bad manners. What on earth was he up to?

"You will stop seeing Miss Ayanami."

My mind boggled… again.

"…Sir?"

He gave me a withering stare.

"You will stop seeing Miss Ayanami or the consequences will be dire, I will personally make sure of it. Am I understood?"

"You don't have the right to tell me what to do." I stated calmly… secretly believing him…

"Is that right?" He said almost lazily. "Would you please educate your student… my dear principal?"

My principal shuddered when the man uttered the word 'Principal'

"Y-you will b-be ex-expelled and l-locked away for your… c-c-crimes…."

He said that as fast as he could. He seemed to be horrified of doing anything that might make someone think that he wasn't part of the wall. The word 'Crime' was nothing more than a cheat to ease his pitiful conscience. I was right about him. Gutless worm.

Still… I wasn't in his position so I'd never know…

I looked into the eyes of that abominable man. I expected to see nothing but hatred and contempt within those cold eyes… but I was wrong. Those eyes… they were simply like windows to an abandoned house…

(/Rain/)

Dr Akagi pushing a button on her hand held console… that was all I remembered before everything went hazy… then dark. I had strayed… into a theatre of memories…

Flowers… so many the same… so many useless…

Like me.

Rain was sitting beside me… reciting a poem. The words he spoke… what were they? I can't remember. Wait a moment. Who was speaking just now…? Rain. Was Rain there? Who was that sitting beside me? It all seems so whimsical… I thought I felt alive. Did that even happen?

Feelings of warmth… they felt so real.

Please come out of the darkness…

Darkness…

Humans fear the darkness…

Why did I think that? Where did those words come from?

To show… your…

I… don't remember…

I feel my heart wither away by a fraction. What's happening? Why can't I remember? I want to remember…

If I lose my memories…

/Rei/

The torture went on for hours and hours on end. Thought after memory was slowly siphoned away into oblivion… this is not happening… it's just not fair. Will it all end this way?

Then it stopped.

The world around me slowly swam into view. Before me, I saw the uncomfortable looking face of Doctor Akagi.

I was floating in a tube of LCL, with an infernal contraption attached to my head, as well as various electrodes on the rest of my body. My sisters weren't around… this wasn't the Chamber of Gauf.

I glared into her eyes.

"Why?"

She looked at me with pathos in her eyes… then brought her console to her mouth.

"If taking away someone else's happiness would save your own… would you do it?"

I remain silent. I simply stared at her distastefully.

"Please don't hate me Rei… I don't want to do this."

"I… am not your doll."

I raise my hand to touch the glass casing. The sacred light of my heart… shall set me free.

"It's useless."

I look down at my belly.

The Lance of Longinuss… a miniature version was impaled into my body via special automated airlocks on the front and back of the tube.

"It's not touching any of your organs, so your body should be fine…"

Before my mind could register a sense of shock, there was an earthquake…

Other

Emergency alarms blared within Central Dogma…

"Commander! Eva Unit-00 is moving!"

Gendo's eyes narrowed.

"Impossible, who's the pilot?" Fuyutsuki hurriedly asked.

"Identification failed! There are no records matching his profile!"

"Increase LCL pressure to maximum."

"It's no good! The signal won't be received!"

Gendo's eyebrows furrowed a little in frustration.

"Enter first stage combat alert… and cut the alarms. This was just a false alarm. Begin negotiations."

"He must've cut off the receiver in the plug manually… clever boy." Mused Fuyutsuki.

"One person couldn't have done this. There is a spy in our midst. Alert Section Two."

The main doors sliding apart announced the arrival of Captain Katsuragi.

"What's the situation?"

"He hasn't made any demands yet."

"Release Ayanami and send her here immediately, I have enough power to destroy this facility two times over! You have ten minutes!" Rang out a young sounding voice.

"Cut the power to Unit-00 now!" Ordered Katsuragi.

"Don't!" Cried Gendo, standing up from his seat.

"Disrupting the energy source shall end the countdown prematurely!" Repeated the voice heatedly/

"What's his synchronisation rate?" Asked Dr. Akagi out of curiosity.

"It's only at twenty nine percent. He shouldn't be able to cause as much damage as he claims."

"He still has us by the balls. Thank goodness Unit-01 is still undergoing observation." Commented Fuyutsuki, chuckling. "Why don't we just give him Miss Ayanami?"

Gendo was silent for a minute as he contemplated this… Then he stood up.

"Bring Rei to the Evangelion docks… All personnel except Dr Akagi and Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki are not allowed to be in the vicinity of Central Dogma or the Docks for the rest of the day."

Gendo cast Dr Akagi a cryptic glance.

"It begins."

(/Rain/)

DAMN IT ALL.

It couldn't end like this… not after I promised her. I wrenched open the door leading to the school rooftops, where I met Rei.

There had to be a way out. I will not let it end like this. It can't. It mustn't… but how? There was no real way… I was powerless. USELESS.

I can't even save one girl… what's the point of it all?

Whatever.

I'm not giving up. There has to be a way. I need a plan… where was she anyway?

It was at this moment I noticed that there was a mobile phone sitting there on the ground. It suddenly started ringing. My curiosity overwhelming me, I picked it up and answered it.

"Hey kid. I liked that look in your eyes just now."

"What the? You can see me?"

I looked around, was there a camera? Or was he observing me from a far away place…?

"Why are you doing this?"

"I'm doing this because you need my help kid."

"Right…"

"I don't have much time." He said, his tone of voice abruptly turning grave. "Miss Ayanami is in danger. If you want to save her, I can tell you how."

"Just who are you?"

"Simply someone who can't stand by and let a tragedy happen... we're like moths to the flame, you and I… Now at the corner of this rooftop to your right, there is a loose tile with a backpack underneath it…"

I opened my eyes.

I felt sick... What the hell was this stuff anyway? It smelt like blood… and it was everywhere, all around me, in my mouth, in my lungs, in my clothes... and in my underwear... it was like an ocean of blood. There were more pressing issues, however.

I said that I could destroy the base twice over, but I'd be lucky if I could destroy half of it… this was not easy at all… took me so long to locate those communications wires. I thought they'd find me. Still, sneaking in as one of the shorter engineers was easier than I thought. Whoever it was that helped me did a very clean job. Everything, from my identification to my schedule was prepared flawlessly.

It was a miracle I could get the Evangelion to move though. That man told me to be sincere and open my heart. I guess he was right.

Such a strange machine... or was it a machine? I stared down at the butterfly handles my hands were subtley shivering around to the various consoles surrounding me, constantly blinking as my eyes weren't used to the strange, breathable liquid I was submerged in yet. These certainly looked mechanical. Then what is this feeling I'm getting? It feels like I'm in the belly of a giant...

I thought over how my life would be over after this incident, I was informed that my personal records would be erased. I'd have to assume a fake identity and live as a fugitive. If I was caught, I don't know what they'd do to me…

It was almost inconceivable that just a day ago I was simply an ordinary, but dirt poor, student living a boring, everyday life. Meeting her... has changed so much. I close my eyes and once again perceive that wonderful smile of hers... a smile of radiance that had replaced a frown of depthless sorrow, and feel one of my own spreading across my face. I open my eyes.

It's worth it.

Rei… she's here.

(/Rain/)

The Commander and I arrived at the docks to see that Unit-00 had broken free from its restraints, which was now a pile of twisted metal. Strange. Unit-01 was not in the docks. Where was it?

I clutched my belly in pain. The wound from the Lance was still there... however it was uncomparable to the wound in my heart. Though, no matter how hard she tried, she was unable to completely destroy my memory of his warm kindness... to me.

Who on earth could be piloting Unit-00? Rain? Was it Rain?

"Rei!"

I recognised that voice, it was him.

"Rain…"

Has he come for me?

"Don't worry Rei! I'm getting you out."

The massive splashing of waves are heard as the gigantic form of Unit-00 motioned it's way towards us. Albeit a little clumsily and somewhat indecisively. Rain hasn't piloted before. Warm feelings spread through my heart and fill up my chest as I witness this spectacle... mingling with feelings of disbelief.

How is this possible? How on earth did Rain commandeer Unit-00...? No matter... he came for me. He remembers his promise, and that's all that matters. He is truly a friend.

I feel myself smiling again...

Commander Ikari raised a loudspeaker to his mouth.

"If you quietly relinquish control of the Evangelion, I will forget about this incident. As long as you enter my employ as a pilot."

"How about no?"

The Commander's words seemed to annoy Rain. That… was probably an insult to him.

"You may continue to see Rei."

There was silence for a moment.

"I have no reason to believe your lies... Rei will never be happy here for that matter."

"Very well then… I have no need for an Evangelion without a soul…"

I hear the sound of a gun being cocked near the side of my head.

"...Or a doll with one."

"What are you doing? STOP!"

The last things I heard in my life was a deafening gunshot, followed by the thud of a bullet entering my skull... and the sound of Rain's anguished screams.

Other

As the doors to the docks shut behind Gendo Ikari, he answered his phone.

"Commander, are you sure removing the safety was a good idea? The boy's synchronisation ratio has reached four hundred percent. I am proceeding to sever the power cable, and flooding the docks with bakelite. The damage to the docks shouldn't exceed acceptable limits, but it will be weeks before operations can continue."

"The die has been cast doctor. Ensure that you keep a closer eye on Rei this time. Inform Section two as well."

"Having that boy in Unit Zero is going to cause some complications, is that acceptable?"

"So be it."

"...Understood."

He terminated the call and turned back to stare at closed partition door he just exited the docks from. The sounds of howling and the crashing of destruction being wrought upon the docks were nearly deafening.

"Protect Rei for me..."

End