Trying to fill the space in the bullpen was like replacing everything we knew. I should know, I am a replacement. It's practically been an eternity since Tony left, at least in Abby's eyes. It's actually been a couple of weeks since Tony was gone, but things were different. McGee had this edge to him that really didn't make sense at first. Then, I realized, it was a shield, protecting him from the harsh reality that was this hole in his heart.
Abby had this shine that kind of dulled within time. It was a no brainer that she was affected the most by Tony's loss. She avoided mentioning him at the very most. At the very least, Abby tried to bury those feelings, but when I left one time; she was crying to herself. I wanted to go over there, but she would pass it off as some sort of breakdown from a case.
Ducky can be an interesting case. He was very old, to say the least, and has dealt with loss many times. But whenever I see him, a flash of sadness comes across his face. It was only for a second, but I can see that he was sad too. Jimmy came over to him and just stood there. No weird jokes, no putting his foot in his mouth, nothing, just pure silence.
Vance managed to keep the peace between everybody, as he didn't know Tony that well. Or so I thought. There were days where he would just look at the pictures of our fallen. He refused to put Ziva's picture up there, every time. I knew what he was thinking. He thought that Ziva was alive. I heard that she was a fighter, not one to just sit around and talk. I'm guessing everyone else thought so too, because when I pass over there, some people would just stare at the empty space.
Gibbs never really allowed any emotion to show through. But this time was different. One time, when McGee would offer a cup of coffee, he would just throw in the trash, calling it "Not real coffee." But when I checked one time, it was from the same coffee shop. I would never really try to approach him, but I wanted to so bad.
I tried to stay late one night, looking up Ziva David. I got a bunch of results and wanted to read them one by one. Gibbs came up to me and I looked up, knowing what he was going to say. I picked up my stuff and headed to the elevator. But he stopped me in my tracks, turn me around and put his hands on my shoulders.
"You okay?" Two words, two freaking words. Two words to describe how I not feel right now. I left in a whirlwind, trying to comprehend what happened this year.
Gibbs got shot,
Abby got trapped,
I got divorced,
Ducky finally met his brother after all these years,
McGee started thinking about proposing to Delilah,
And Tony left with his daughter.
Right now, it kind of seems unbelieveable. Not because of the events that happened; but because of what could happen. Really, who could've guessed that all happened within a span of several months. I looked up to the sky and just stared there for a while. I know it's supposed to get better, but right now, it just feels empty.