The Trails Of Her Scars
When Hanako came to, what greeted wasn´t the crisp cold air of a new morning, but an ear shattering scream of agony. She opened her eyes wide, terrified, sweating, thinking that she must have been in that nightmare again. There was a person straddling her, their arms clutching her body as if to protect her. She could see clear, golden air framing her face from the corner of her eyes. Her mother. It had to be her mother. She was screaming. And, indubitably, the source of that disgusting scent.
The sound of glass shattering rang in the distance, resonating in a strange, nauseating way with the roar of the fire that was consuming everything. This was a nightmare, of course, nothing but a nightmare. She ignored her trembling body, and her mind that felt like it would break off it´s hinges at any moment. It didn´t make sense. She had gone to sleep peacefully yesterday, with her mother and her father´s good night kiss, and they all been smiling and laughing brightly, so the house couldn´t be burning right now.
That´s right, it couldn´t possibly be real. Every nightmare ended eventually, but she couldn´t stand any of this anymore. She had to open her eyes. She had to, so she could be with mother and father again, and this horrible situation would fade in the very same day, not even a bad memory anymore, as all nightmares did. She tried to open her eyes, to will this away, but she couldn´t. All her struggles accomplished was incrementing the painful, suffocating heat. The fire keep on roaring, threatening to envelop her. Her vision blurred. A terrible truth that she didn´t want to acknowledge tugged at her mind, but she pushed those thoughts away with all the streght of mind she could muster in this situation.
"Hanako." her mother´s soft voice, nearly drowned out by the roaring of the fire, rang like a bell above her. Her face was nothing but a cloudy haze because she was crying, no use in fooling herself, but just having her calling her name like always brought a great sense of comfort in her. "It´s okay. Don´t cry. Mommy will definitively protect you. J-just close your eyes, and everything will be all right once you open them again."
Her mother was saying it, so Hanako fully believed her. She closed her eyes, and waited for all of it to be over. The roaring of the fire keep on going, like background music. That strange scent she couldn´t really identify and, at the same time, fully did wasn´t decreasing at all. Something wet splashed against her shirt. She ignored that, too. She suppressed her pain, fears, doubts and put everything into ignored what she already knew and believe everything was going to be fine. Even the occasional stabs of pain that left a dull ache all over her body, a terrible ache that was like somebody was putting his or her fingers through her wounds. Even when she stopped hearing her mother´s erratic breathing above her, and her quiet sobs. She didn´t move an inch, still crying, because she didn´t knew of any other way to live through this hell.
Somewhere along the way, she passed out. When she waked up again, she saw a lifeless pure white ceiling, and an uncomfortably bright light. Her body was numb. It was not painful, but it made uncomfortable to move, so she just laid down and stopped moving. Her heart was racing. She didn´t care. She didn´t care about anything, really. She only wanted to close her eyes and sleep for a while. She knew that it had happened for real, that she couldn´t fool herself anymore. This was a hospital. It had happened. Her mother probably was... dead. And her father... maybe him, too. She only vaguely understood the concept of dead. Her cat had suddenly gone to sleep one day, and her parents had told her that it was death. Than that meant it wouldn´t come back anymore, but it was in a better place. She had cared much for whatever that place was back then, and she didn´t care now either.
She didn´t like the sound of them being in a 'better place' without her.
The doctors came and went, looking at her with looks of pithy and another strange emotion she couldn´t quite place. They said a lot of meaningless words, and complicated stuff she could only understand a bit, but the gist of it was that she was alone and she would be forever. She spend a month slowly recovering on that bed, with books as her only company. She didn´t even touch the television they had in her room. It just didn´t appeal to her anymore. At the end of that month, the bandages that wrapped her body would finally come down. She took off them off in front of the mirror, naked, so she could take a good look at everything.
She was a monster now.
The skin of the left side of her face was burned off, hanging off grotesquely. And her whole body was like that. She looked like patchwork doll, badly put together, sort of pitiable and ultimately disgusting, no matter how hard it tried to look normal. No, more than that. It was all the more disgusting for even trying at that point. She stood frozen, looking at herself, lightly trembling, her eyes wide and round. She didn´t expect this. Even thought she had more or less accepted that mother and father were gone, she hadn´t never expected she would end like this. When she got back enough presence of mind, she dropped to her knees, sobbing hysterically.
She didn´t remember much after that. Her next clear memory was of waking up again, the next day, groggy and feeling vaguely nauseous. But she could tell what had happened. The doctors had come running, and sedated her. Because of her episode, her assignation to a local orphanage of the city was delayed. Not by much, though. When she waked up, they brought a man she didn´t knew to her room. He tried to be friendly with her, but she knew, somehow just knew, that his kindness was fake. He asked her a couple of questions like 'how are you feeling', 'do you hate yourself?' and other stuff like that. She answered like she thought she was supposed to ask: like a good girl. Then the interrogation ended, and they discharged her and send her to the orphanage.
She didn´t know the people there, and it soon became clear they didn´t want to know her anyway. Through the whole car ride, she had been hopeful they would accept her and, even though things wouldn´t be the same anymore, she could at least find a place to belong. She had continued to believe that, until she stepped out the car to meet the ones who were supposed to give her a tour. They were two woman. Both of them grimaced the moment they saw her. The one of the right hid her discomfort reasonably well after that, but the one of the left clearly avoided looking at her face.
They gave her the tour, but they stayed distant and always carefully picked their works, like they thought the slightest thing would break her. She wanted to tell that she was broken already, so they couldn´t mess her up more that she already was no matter what she said, even if it was just to see how they reacted. But she didn´t. She only meekly followed them, and keep up with the conversation they tried to make as best as she could. Which wasn´t that good, since she was shuttering over every other word, and the looks they gave her upon hearing her bad shuttering made her want to close her mouth until she would find a person that would actually look at her and not at her scars.
That day didn´t come. She had some hope that the kids would be different, but now. They were just like the adults, only that they didn´t try to hide their disgusts. She tried to play with them once, only once. She ran back to her room because of their words, broke down and never ever approached them again. Now that she was like this, she was better off alone. At least, she couldn´t have to dealt with their words and their stares.
The classes were even worse. On the first day, a teacher had asked her to answer something she knew. Because the eyes of all the class had been fixed on her, her mind drew a blank even thought it was a simple question, and she shuttered all the while she tried to find an answer without much success. The boys outright laughed at her because of that, while the girls giggled primly with a hand covering their mouths, but it was the same thing in the end. She got redder and redder by the moment, until she couldn´t even speak coherently. The teacher, with pity clear in his tone, told her to sit down. She did so. No teacher asked her anything again. Aside from that, though, she did quite well. She didn´t get excellent marks, but she never had trouble passing her courses.
Somewhere along the way, she let her normally mid length black air grow long enough to hide the scars on the left side of her face or at least make them less noticeable by strategically positioning her head. It didn´t do anything to change her situation. Everybody on the orphanage fully knew her situation, and the new kinds would quickly be informed about how things were. But at least, it saved her for most of those disgusted yet pitying looks.
She had regular, weekly visit to her therapist during all those years. He sat at the other end of the desk, pretending to smile, and she sat at the other side, pretending to answer. She was pretty sure he didn´t notice that, since he didn´t bring it up even once during any of their sessions. Better for both of them. She didn´t want to dealt with a person that was only pretending to understand her breaking the wall she had so carefully built between them, and actually insisted on the harsh questions. It wouldn´t only be a waste of time.
The years passed, but none of the people that came to the orphanage wanted her. She supposed it was partly her fault, since she made an effort to not stand up, but if she had, it wouldn´t have changed anything. People came to orphanages to get a cute child, or somebody they could be proud of, not out of some act of kindness. None of them would want a girl like her, who most of the time couldn´t speak without shuttering over pretty much every word, badly scared and... damaged, in all aspects. No matter how many years passed, that wouldn´t change.
At fifteenth years of age, that was the only thing Hanako was really sure of.
They had been informed that a man would be visiting on that day, but like always Hanako didn´t pay much attention to it. She just stayed in a random, isolated corner on the grounds, reading a rather confusing book called The Tommyknockers, the latest novel from Stephen King, the man who had quickly become her favorite author. She would have been reading in her room, but the staff encouraged children to be outside during those days, and she didn´t want to cause a scene. So far, it was a confusing mess, sprinkled here and there with the moments that she read him for, the essential humanity of it all. But she had only read the first two hundred pages out of five hundred and fifty eight, so she read on hoping it would find it´s stride or that all that she saw as confusing ultimately ended up serving a greater purpose.
She heard footsteps approaching her. This was odd. Not kid usually approached this place, partly because it was far from the playground and partly because pretty much everybody knew she was there. Not even adults did, since they tended to leave her alone for the most part. This wouldn´t be anything good. Clutching the book to her chest, she looked up. And up, up. Up.
There was a freakishly tall man looking down at her with a kind smile in his face, wearing a long, black rope. From his neck hung a cross. But his attire was not the important part. What mattered was that from that angle he could see her face fully, he could see her horrible scaring and yet his expression didn´t change at all. He was still looking at her kindly, with that warm smile. But none of those two things were full of pity, it was simply how any good adult would look at a child. Her heart started beating faster.
"Tell me, child." his voice was smooth, sure yet soft. She had the sudden impulse of asking him to hug her, but she didn´t do it. Thank god. It would have been really embarrassing. "What´s your name?"
She moved her dry tongue, trying to convince herself that she would do this. No matter how kind the man was, she was sure he wouldn´t want to raise a child who couldn´t even speak properly. Her name. She just had to tell her name, and them everything would be all right. She would have what she always wanted, ever since she was put in the orphanage. Two words. Just two words. She could do this.
"Ikez-z-zaw-a..." while she was trying to go on, desperately trying to convince herself that he could consider her being nervous in this case as cute and that it didn´t change anything, he knelled in front of her, still maintaining that kid smile and his warm gaze.
"I am a priest. I wouldn´t throw away anybody who needs help, so there´s no need to be nervous."
"Ah..." she sucked in a breath. "My n-name is Ikez-zawa H-anako. P-p-pleased to meet you."
"That´s good. See, it wasn´t so hard, right? I understand the pain you are going through. I was unwanted by everybody, too. But in the end, I realized that while nobody understood me, I was the one that let that drag me down." She didn´t know what to say. That there was somebody who had suffered like her, and could still look like at her complete floored her. And also, she had never considered what he had said. She had done nothing wrong, so even thought she wouldn´t do anything about how other people treated her, she could at least have some pride in herself and hold her head high.
He reached out towards her, with his arms outstretched. She did the same, her arms trembling a little bit, but at least she managed to gather the courage to reach out to somebody. She didn´t even know him five minutes ago, and yet he had managed to make her do something she thought she wouldn´t do again in all her life. He hugged her, and gently pressed her against his chest. She hugged him back.
Soon after, she started crying despite herself. He hugged her more tightly, but didn´t say a word. She stayed like that for some time, comforting herself in the rigid solidity of his arms, the warm of his body and his gentleness with her. She couldn´t see anything like she was, so it was almost like hugging father again. Almost. She was the first one to pull away. She looked up at his face, her vision muddled and her face streaked by tears.
"It´s fine. It´s fine to cry, Hanako. You don´t have to pretend anymore. Just be yourself. You are a beautiful person, so you don´t have to be ashamed of being yourself."
She just nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
They stayed a few minutes like that, together, until she calmed down and wiped her tears. Now that she could speak intelligibly, she wanted to ask him why he had been so kind to her, if he was going to adopt her. But she feared the answer. She feared that the man was simply kind, and that adopting her didn´t have anything to do with it. So she asked the other question she had on her mind, instead.
"S-sir, can... Can you tell me your name?" it was so low that it was only barely audible, but at least she said it without shuttering. Small steps.
"Kotomine Kirei." Beautiful? Oh. Well, it was kind of a strange name, but it certainty fit him. He had been the first one to show her real kindness for some many years, and her scars didn´t disgust him at all. He treated her like she was a normal kid. And... she blushed a little bit. Kotomine Hanako didn´t sound bad at all. "Can I ask you something now, Hanako?"
Her heart skipped a beat.
"Y-yes!" she squeaked. He rested his left hand on her air, and fondly tussled it. She felt like she was melting. She wouldn´t mind staying like this, just like this, forever.
"Would you like to be adopted by me?" he said it, he really said it. This... this was great. She was starting to fear that this was a dream, that this man and his kindness was a dream, and she would wake up any second now. She energetically nodded, smiling widely. "Eh. I know how it must felt, but think about it for a moment. I not from here, Hanako."
"I don´t care about that. I had f-friends before all of this, but none have come to visit me. Not even once. So I-I have nothing to leave behind. It doesn-t m-m-matter. I want to be with you, please..."
"Okay. Calm down." Kirei said... was it fine to call him Kirei? Well, he was about to become her father... oh, I made her giddy just to think about it, that she might pass out when she could actually call him her father. It wouldn´t erase the fact that he wasn´t her real father, that her parents had burned away in that fire, but at least she would have somebody to love her and to love for the rest of her days. "I was just thinking about you when I asked that, don´t worry. Well..."
He stood up. Even thought she had see him before, his height still left her a bit awed. He extended his right hand to her.
"Let´s go." he gently murmured. Hanako gave him her hand, and he clasped it.
The adoption didn´t take long. Thought, to be honest, her most clear memory of the whole thing was walking through the orphanage and into the reception desk with Kirei, while the kids that had mocked her and pushed her away for so many years followed them with their gazes envious gazes until they entered inside the building, incapable of saying anything. It brightened her day even more, to say the least.
In less that half an hour, she was Kotomine Hanako and they were leaving behind that wrenched orphanage behind for good. It felt good. She not longer any attachment to her hometown. No, more like the opposite. Leaving would do her good. At the very least, she wouldn´t remember constantly remember going out with her few friends in the park, her father complaining about sumo, the first time she rode a bicycle without assistance, or any of that.
"Oh." she realized she had started crying. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hands, still not sure how to react to what had just happened. The tears were whipped off once, but they just keep on pouring meaninglessly. She had already accepted how things were. This was not only unthinkable, but like betrayed herself from four years ago. "That´s... weird."
"Here." Kirei said, extending his left hand back. Even through her blurry vision, she could identify what he was holding. Tissues. She took them gladly, and wiped her eyes with them. She was not ashamed because she had cried, but because she had done so in front of him, who had been kind enough to take a damage doll like her under his wind, after saying that going away didn´t matter and that she wanted to be with him.
She spend some time whipped her tears, and trying to calm herself down. Kirei never judged her for it, or anything like that. Eventually, she managed to get herself under control. The pain of the memories still burned, but they were locked away somewhere in the back of her mind, where they belonged. They would resurface eventually, she didn´t have no doubt about that. But right now, at least, she was fine.
"T-thank you." she slyly muttered, hanging her head.
"There´s nothing to thank me about, Hanako. I be a poor father if I couldn´t even give you tissues when you are crying." he said so, with that same smile. "...Hanako."
"Yes?"
"That´s why I asked you if you wanted to be with me. I know well the pain of leaving things behind. Even if you suffered for four years at that place, it´s your hometown. Going away to leave the bad things behind also means leaving behind the good things."
"But... I have nothing to leave behind there..." she hesitated for an instant, but decided to go ahead with it. "Daddy, isn´t better to move on?"
"Sometimes you can´t move on. Memories can be locked away where you can´t find them again, feelings can change and be forgotten with time... but your burn scars will remain. You will remember every time you look at yourself at the mirror, or a passerby notices it and looks away from them with disgust mixed with pithy." his words hit her hard, in all their truth. She felt like she would start to cry again. "What happened to you, to your family, can´t be erased. But you can accept it happened, and take the chances you have to be happy. Even though you are different from others, you have the right to be happy, Hanako. Never forget that. Everybody has that right."
"Yes." she nodded. "T-thank you."
"No, thank you. Being able to tell you that is already enough for me."
The rest of the car ride passed in silence only broken by the roar of engines of the passing cars, but it was not an uncomfortable silence. Not at all. It was a silence that indicated they were comfortable with each other. She never had the luxury of those silences for a long time. In the orphanage, her silences were weary, resigned and sometimes almost oppressive. This made her felt so conformable now that she didn´t want to break it.
Somewhere along the way, she felt sleep. She didn´t have any nightmares. She didn´t dream anything to start with, but well, it was an improvement. When she waked up, the car had already stopped and Kirei was unbuckling his seat belt. She could see his face reflected on the rear mirror. Without a smile, his face looked really stern. She felt bad for thinking it, but... it was the truth.
"You waked up already." he said, smiling warmly. She almost jumped. She hadn´t thought he had noticed that. "Good. You looked so cute when you were sleeping, with your mouth half open and snoring from time to time, that I didn´t think I could bring myself to wake you up. Let´s go."
Hanako blushed. But she didn´t have the impulse to go run and hide herself somewhere, she was only filled with warmness. She was honestly happy he said she was cute, even if it was a lie. She started unbuckling her own seat belt, and big, stupid smile fixed in her face. Couldn´t be helped. The door opened suddenly. Her gaze turned towards it almost on impulse. Kirei was there, holding the door opened.
"Thanks." she said, a little more firmly this time, and got out of the car. The wind whipped her long, black air back. She looked around from trees at each side, and the fresh, crisp grass, to the building in front of her. It´s not something she had ever saw, but because she read a lot of translated western works, she recognized it as church. "Uh... what are we doing here, dad?"
"I live here. And now you, too." he simply answered. Oh, so he was a priest. Come to think of it, she should have guessed because of his attire, and the cross hanging from his neck and that he had stopped the car in front of a church. It was kinda embarrassing, actually. Not like she could blame herself, too. This whole day was also the first time in four years that she bothered to pay attention at the world.
Kirei started walking towards the church, and she followed behind him. In the middle of the way, she started staring at his hand. She hesitantly reached out for it, and clasped his hand. He looked down at her for instant, then he clasped her hand.
He gave her a tour of the place first. It was big and pretty. Honestly, she couldn´t say much more than that. She had stopped thinking about anything else but books, really, since the fire. The Kotomine Church was beautiful, but that was as far as her appreciation went. Besides, living in such a place didn´t really delight her. She had stopped believing in a god or higher will when her life crumbled around her. She wouldn´t have carried on with that childish faint since that happened. She didn´t understand how Kirei, who had suffered like herself, could keep on believing as adult. Well. It was more proof that he was a better person that her.
After the tour, they had dinner together. Kirei himself cooked him. She didn´t recognize the dish at first, but he told her it was mapou tofou and also that it was his favorite. She tried without a second thought. It was hot. Really hot. She had to shallow it quickly to stand it, and pretending there was nothing wrong after that was one of the hardest things she had done. But she just couldn´t say she didn´t like it. He had prepared her the mapou tofou with love, and throwing that away would be like like spitting in his face. So she ate it. All of it. By the end she felt like her tongue was about to fall off, but she did it. Somehow. Mostly because she watched him intently through dinner, and he ate the mapou tofou without pause, not even to have a drink.
"By the way, Hanako." he said, breaking her out of his thoughts. She had been about to stand up to bring the dishes to whenever the kitchen was, and wash them. Or try to, at least. But she let that go, and fixed all her attention to him. "I have something to tell you."
"What is it?"
"You see... I am a magus." her mind nearly stopped at that point... she had to have heard him wrong.
"U-h, s-sorry, could you repeat that? I misheard you."
"There´s no need to repeat it; you heard me just fine." Oh. So that was how it was. She didn´t even want to consider the possibility that he would be messing with her, so she believed with all her heart that he had told the truth when he said he was a magus.
"Is that hard?"
"For me is not hard anymore, and I never really was. You can say I am a prodigy. But other people are different and, of course, it doesn´t matter how hard you work if you don´t have the capacity to begin with. And even then, there are other limits. I am saying this because it´s part of my job as an Executor of the Church. Because of that, I can´t spend as much think as I like with you." that last sentence froze her to the core. She felt her throat had suddenly gone dry. They couldn't take him away for her, no matter the reason. Not even thought he would come back. She didn´t want to be separated from him even for an instant, even though she fully knew how irrational that desire was. "I am saying this straight out so you know it, and don´t think my absence is because I felt like it or anything callous like that."
"Can you... can you teach me?" she blubbered out without really thinking about it, desperate to do something about it.
Kirei´s smile grew wider.
Like that, Hanako began her training to get in good enough condition to become an Executor starting with magecraft, on that very same day. It was already night, but she insisted on beginning their lesson right there and there, even thought Kirei was against it. Her vigor surprised even herself. They went toward a more spacious room, without any furniture, and the first thing Kirei did was draw a strange circle in the ground. It took him about a few minutes, while she watched him work and patiently waited for it to be over. After that, he asked her to stand inside the circle, and also said that she couldn´t touch it because it would mess it up. She did so. She expected something to happen immediately, but nothing did.
"Prepare yourself. Is going to hurt." he said. Hanako was about to ask him what did he meant, but then her world exploded in pain. Burning. She was burning again, like at than time. The disgusting odor wasn´t there, but the pain remained and it just keep on growing, and that was more that enough to drive her to her knees. She started crying without even realizing it. The meaning of this pain was lost to her, but he had told her to endure it so she had to at least try to do so. She set herself down on the ground, and curled into a ball, gritting her teeth hard. The space was wide enough for that to not be a risk to the magic circle.
She saw his boots, even through the cloudy haze of her vision, from the corner of her eyes. He knelled beside her, and grasped her left hand. He didn´t say anything, but that was more that enough for her. He would remain beside her no matter what happened. She closed her eyes, and concentrated on enduring the pain like she had done before.
"Listen. This pain is a result of the awakening of your Magic Circuits. You have to look for your switch, so you can end the pain. To turn them of. Is not something I can´t help you with. Is a switch, a button inside your head. After that, you will be able to turn it on and off at it will and none of this will be necessary anymore, but you have to find it yourself."
Find it, a switch inside her head. The words were clear to her even through the haze of pain, but it didn´t change that it was too vague. She didn´t know what to do. Sucking in a breath, she tried to calm her erratic thoughts. A switch, a switch, a switch. She could vaguely felt several strange things burning inside her body, probably those Magic Circuits, but the switch she had to find escaped her. But. She had to do it. Kirei was placing his trust in her, he believed in her, so she couldn´t betray him by failing at this point nor her own words. She tried to grasp it something that was not there, believing...
An image seared her brain. Her heart, grotesquely pulsating, suddenly bursting into flames. It vanished in the next instant. There was also a spike of pain, but it lasted as long as the image. After that, the pain and the heat inside of her dwindled down to the point where it didn´t even hurt, it was only uncomfortable. In the same way that her whole body at been uncomfortable after waking up at the hospital. Still, though, he wasn´t sure she could talk or even move by herself right now.
"You did well, my child." Kirei said, embracing her. He softly kissed her brow. "You did well."
Hanako hugged him back.
As she had feared, she couldn´t move because of that, so Kirei had to pick her up and bring her to her room to sleep. It took her a long time to fall sleep, and even then it was a thin, uneasy sleep plagued by nightmares of the fire that had took her parents, the life she had knew and left her body broken. When she waked up, she was still feeling that uncomfortable heat. She was sweating heavily, and her shirt was almost transparent because of the way all that sweating made it cling to her skin.
Kirei was preparing the papers necessary for her to be transferred into the local Junior High. He said so, offhandedly, after coming to visit her in her room with breakfast. She didn´t say anything. The prospect of going to school again didn´t delight her, to say the least, but between behind a priest and Executor, whatever that was, she was sure he didn´t have time to home-school her. Well. Even if he had time for it, Kirei surely didn´t have a teaching license, so it wouldn´t change anything.
Thankfully, this time the food was not mapou tofou. Not like she though he could even consider making that dish for her, since she was in this state, but still. You know. She had half feared it, for a stupid moment. She took the chopsticks, and tried to bring some rice to her mouth. Halfway to it, she accidentally dropped all of it on her shirt. She sheepishly stared at it, wondering if she should laugh. She grabbed another mouthful, and tried again. She didn´t drop it this time, but the chopsticks somehow veered slightly up course at ended up splattering the rice against her cheek. Geez.
Despite her difficulties, Kirei didn´t make a comment nor reached out to help her. She knew without him needing to say it that this was one more test, that she had to endure this cognitive dissonance and eat by herself, because if she wasn´t even capable of doing that she couldn´t possibly even chase after him. The starting point had been reached, but all that pain would be meaningless if she failed here. So she resolutely picked another mouthful, and slowly and carefully managed to put it in her mouth. It tasted good, but it was kind of bitter. Like almonds.
She continued eating almost without trouble. Well, she dropped it a few times after that, but only two or three times. That was an accomplishment, no matter how you looked at it. When she finished eating, Kirei lead her back into that same room, and explained her the principles of Reinforcement. It was easy. You poured magical energy through something to reinforce not only the structure, as the name would indicate, but it´s properties. For example, a sword would become more durable and faster. Yes, the theory was easy. But the practical part was the problem.
It shouldn´t be. Kirei gave her a demonstration. He reinforced a random cup of glass, and threw it with all his streght against the wall. It bounced off, without even a scratch. So that was good. And switching on her circuits was easy. That image of her heart bursting into flames appeared when she wanted to, and she felt that spike in the heat and the pain that signaled she had done it correctly. Even Structural Analysis, a basic spell he had taught her to see the parts of something that needed reinforcement, worked well for her. But the object she was supposed to reinforce, cups for tea, broke when she tried reinforcing it. She had already gone through about a quarter of the amount Kirei had set down on the floor when they first reentered the room.
In the end, the first session ended in a total failure. She could even said she had felt that she had good close to manage it. He didn´t say anything bad about it, but she still felt like shit. Reinforcement was a basic spell, one that all Executors probably needed so as to reinforce their physical capabilities. She couldn´t even reinforce a cup, let alone her own body. She knew that trying to advance so much that next time he wouldn´t leave her behind in so little time was impossible, outright childish, that even a prodigy like Kirei had taken him many years of training. But it still frustrated her. That he didn´t even scold her about her failure made it even worse, like she was leeching off his kindness. And she was, of course, but she didn´t want to do it to that point. It would make her felt... worthless. Again.
There was no more lectures or exercises during the rest of the day. She spend the entire time wandering around the insides of the church by herself, thinking about thing, while Kirei did his work as a priest. She didn´t want to be there to heard a bunch of people who hadn´t know any real hardship come to praise THE LORD, so she went away from it until she couldn´t heard any of it. She found herself going to the library, and picked a random book off the shelves. Not the bible, not. She didn´t want to read it any of that, either. Just a book that she had never head of, called Paradise Lost, that looked vaguely interesting.
The language was a bit complicated, but not so much. Within minutes, she found herself adsorbed within the pages of the large narrative poem. She had a vague idea about Chirstian dogma, so it was a bit weird to see the devil and his allies portrayed sympathetically and God as a raging asshole, but she welcomed that. It made for a good fit of her current life. All conventions twisted. What was good was bad, and what was bad was good. Besides. The writing was really pretty.
The Reinforcement lesson of the second day, unfortunately, went about as well as the first. That burning feeling hadn´t vanished yet, and she only managed to break every object Kirei handed her. And he still didn´t say anything. At this point, this whole exercise was going to drive her mad. Like yesterday, when she finished breaking all the cups Kirei informed her that there wouldn´t be any further lesson from the rest of the day. So she wandered to the library, while he fulfilled his job as a priest, and continued to read Paradise Lost. She hadn´t advanced much yesterday, since even thought she read rather fast, she found herself rereading the parts she had just read a lot because, honestly, the imagery and, well, everything was beautiful. But this time she read it at her normal speed, because she wanted to forget the shame of her failure. Lucifer´s struggles, so painfully emotionally close to her own, didn´t put her off reading. On the contrary, it just immersed her more.
The next day, after breaking nearly all the cups, she finally succeeding in not breaking one. She picked it up with shaky hands, and threw it towards the wall. It bounced off, just like it was supposed to do. She was so happy about it that she nearly cried. It wouldn´t be no exaggeration to say that this made it the happiest day in her life. That the next time she tried it the cup broke mitigated that somewhat, but she got to bed in high spirits, ready for the next day and the next lesson.
She sleep a bit more that she was used too, so Kirei had to wake her up. They ate breakfast together, and then he took her to the local Junior High. Only then did Kirei tell her that she was in Fuyuki. She didn´t know exactly where it was located, but it wouldn´t have been that far from her own city, and she recognized the name. Three years ago, she had heard the reports that there had been a bit fire that only been put off by rain, and sometime later that they had used the burned off area to make a park.
Her day was horrible. She walked in resolutely, thinking she couldn´t brother Kirei with her inadequacies, even ready to try to make some friends, if only to not worry him. But all possibility of that shattered when a boy bumped into her, screwing with the careful placement of her head, revealing her scars, and throwing her large hat to the floor. The boy nearly screamed, and things were irremediably fucked up.
"What´s wrong with you?" he said. Because of that, everyone turned to her, and since she wasn´t quick enough to cover herself and get out of there, they saw the scars too. Silence. It was curious how such a normal thing would suddenly seem so stiffing. Some gagged, other pointed, a few outright ran the other way and the remaining children approached her, asking her uncomfortable questions like how had she got that, how was she still alive and a few of them even said that it made her look cool.
She shut down. Her next memory was of being in Kirei´s arms, in his car, and crying. She didn´t like how weak she was, she didn´t like any of it, but she still cried her heart out, latching on to him like the lifeline he was too her. After a long time, she let go of him and he took her back to the church. The car ride was spend beating herself up over her reaction. She had told herself that Kirei was right, that it was not her fault, that she should hold her head high... and yet the stares, and their words still hurt her deeply. The ride was less that half an hour, but to her, it was an eternity. She got out of the car after Kirei, her head held down, completely lost in her own world.
"Hanako." his words jutted her out of her thoughts, but she didn´t look up. "I understand your reaction. However, this how things are. I won´t do any good to cry about it. People won´t change. You can´t expect a good conduct even from adults, so from those children is pretty much impossible. There´s nothing I can do to change that, and you can´t do it, either. You just have to accept it, and move forward. But most of all, don´t ever be ashamed of yourself. What´s screwed up here is not you, but the world."
"...Thank you, daddy."
"I know it´s unpleasant to you, and you might resent me for it.
"What? No, no, no. I couldn´t do that!" she was panicked, but she still noticed that she had spoken without stuttering at all.
"Okay, calm down. Even so, listen to me. This is very imporant." he replied. "I am sure you don´t like that, but it´s for your own good. I am not telling you to go and make friends. There are people who like the quiet, and solitude, like me. I know that well, but still, if you can´t learn to accept yourself as you are now then you won´t go anywhere."
"I understand, daddy. I... I mostly managed that in the orphanage, but that was more b-ecause. Well. Because they treated me as a novelty for a while, but most of them soon stayed away from me and left me alone. There were only the occasional glaces, and insults. So it time I got settled down. But this... this time... All of them were looking at me like I wasn´t even human anymore. I-it hurt, and... I guess I am just not accustomed to that. I will try... no, no, I will get better."
"Well spoken."
"But... can I ask you something?"
"Just say it."
"Is... Is finding at least a few friend who can accept me like you do to much too ask?"
"I am not god, so I can´t see your the future. But I will tell you this. Some kind people might try to overlook your scars, and try to interact with you like nothing was wrong, but only people like me-people like us- will ever truly accept you. Those people who know that kind of pain. Is in god´s whatever you find people like that or not."
Those words were hard to ear, but, even though she was only twelve years old, Hanako knew enough about humanity to not doubt those words were true. She took a deep breath, and released it.
"I understand, daddy." she replied, with only a hint of bitterness.
So the next day she went back to that horrible place, just like he wanted, keeping his words in her heart. The children had apparently be chastised, since they all quite insincerely apologized to her when she entered class, and stayed away from her during the rest of the day. There were some odd looks sent her way all the way through the class, of course, but they didn´t give her anymore trouble. And since she was in one of the frown row seats, it was easier to ignore. The passed almost peacefully, and got out of the school with a great sense of achievement, perhaps even greater that when she managed to find her switch from the first time.
That burning feeling, who had become something natural to her in those few days, disappeared somewhere between that without her even realizing it. She only knew that when they reached the Church, she wasn´t feeling it anymore. After that, they had another Reinforcement lesson. Nothing bad had happened, and she didn´t have that heat weighting her down anymore, so she was confident she would do better this time. And she did. Not as much as she wanted too, though. She managed to reinforce the cups somewhat consistently. Out of the twenty ones, she only broke twelve. It was a big leap, considering she had only done one yesterday, but still she was disappointed. Kirei even congratulated her for it, which wasn´t what she was expecting, but... it didn´t make her happy. To her, it sounded like he was throwing his tasks because he was realizing this was as far as she could go. He wasn´t saying it for that, but still it was what she felt.
She didn´t read Paradise Lost that afternoon. She just couldn´t care about that, right now. She couldn´t about anything at all. Since there was nothing to do for her after that, she went back to her room and laid on her bed, staring at the ceiling with her hands behind her head. Briefly, she considered practicing Reinforcement of her own, but Kirei had said that she should rest and, besides, if she practiced it she was bound to break a few objects. She couldn´t explain to Kirei why had broken all her pencils, let alone the chair or even the bed.
The next day, when she opened her locker, she immediately noticed a single, white letter on the top of her books. Her mind stopped. She was better versed in western culture that in her own one, but even she was not out of touch enough to realize what this sort of thing usually meant. She pushed that possibility aside quite easily. It wasn´s possible. Must be something else. She reached for the letter hesitantly, as if afraid it was going to explode, picked it up, opened and read it. On it, writing in careful, almost elegant strokes, was this: Meet me on the rooftop at lunch, .
That didn´t discard the first possibility, so that must meant it would be for something else. Something. She didn´t know what, but thinking it was a confession letter just because there was nothing indicating otherwise was ridiculous. Nobody knew her and, besides, she wasn´t exactly girlfriend material. People only took a second look at her because of her scars. So... it might be because they were planning on stealing her lunch money somewhere private, or beating her up for fun. Maybe other... things. It was better to leave this thing alone. She put the letter back into her locker hurriedly, and went about her business.
At lunch, she decided to stay in her classroom to eat like always, since all the other students ate outside. This day was no different. She was soon left in peace, alone in the classroom. Twenty minutes after, the door opened, and a boy she didn´t recognize strode into the room. His sudden appearance made her tense up, despite of the smile he had, a smile that any other girl would have called disarming.
She only knew he wasn´t from her class, so she was nervous. Still, she didn´t have the right to throw him out, so it was better to not say anything and leave this place to... Somewhere. Not the rooftop, or anywhere where there would be some people. Maybe another empty classroom. Ah, whatever. She could think about that latter. Hanako stood up, resigned and clutching her lunchbox.
"Hey." the boy called out to her. She froze. He was more or less in the middle, with his hand on his waist. If she ran for it, she could easily get out of the classroom before he had time to try anything. After that, there should be no problem in reaching a teacher. She just had to calm down. Nobody could do anything in this state. "Where are you going, Kotomine-san? Couldn´t we chat a little? My name is Matou Shinji. You are new here, so you might not know me, but I am not here to do anything bad. Is just... I send you a letter, but looks like you didn´t receive it, so I wanted to tell you myself."
While he said that, he slowly approached her. To her, he looked like a hungry hyena circling a wounded bird.
"T-tell me what?" Geez, at least she didn´t squeak it out. His smile widened at her words.
"Will you got out with me?" he said, simply.
"... what?"
"You heard me, Kotomine-san. I want you to go out with me."
"But... why?" she was too stunned to find a better response, or to think even worry that he was now only a few meter in front of her.
"Your scars are ugly, but you are very cute." She blushed brightly, and looked down. How could he say that so straightforwardly? "Yes. Really, really cute. There´s something to be said from a woman who even a fire couldn´t break her natural beauty."
She didn´t understand what possible reason he had to say that. She wasn´t cute, she was horribly. Only a bit on the left side of her face had been scared, yes, fair enough, but even that should be a sore enough point for any boy. Besides. The rest of her body was a real mess. Of course, aside from the doctors and possibly Kirei, she was the only one who knew that, but still... She couldn´t yes to him. He didn´t know her. He could be asking her out just to mess with her, and more importantly, she didn´t know him. They couldn´t start anything like that. It couldn´t be right.
"I-I´m sorry, b-but I-I can´t a-a-accept your feelings." she squeaked out.
"What?" his expression froze. He looked like somebody had suddenly punched him in the gut, without a reason at all. Clutching her lunchbox to her no existent chest, she walked away from this classroom without looking at him. Right when she was about past him, he clenched her wrist. She pulled back, but he was stronger that her, and she had been caught off guard.
"L-let me go."
"Hold on a minute. J-just hold a minute. I didn´t heard you right. You said you go out with me, right? Right? I meant, what reason would you have to do otherwise?"
"Let me go, or I..." the door opened, yet again.
"Shinji, are you..." A red headed boy, quite a bit taller that her, with clear, golden eyes stepped into the room. His expression of confusion soon changed into shock. It wasn´t even a metaphor. He looked like he was so surprised he could fall over. It was only natural. He might have heard about her, but looking actually seeing her scars was a completely different thing."What are you doing?"
Oh. So it wasn´t because of her.
"Hey, hey, hey Shirou." he said, and let got of her hand. "This isn´t what it looks like, so stop looking looking at me like that. I am not hurting her or anything. I am just trying to clear up a misunderstanding."
"What misunderstanding, Shinji?"
"I asked her if she would go out with me, and she said no. Can you believe it?" he babbled, and then crossed his arms on his chest rather petulantly.
"Shinji..." the other boy´s shocked look changed into exasperation. "Do you even know her?"
"I don´t, but why should that matter?" Shinji said, just like that. This guy... This guy was a real eyesore.
"Geez." Shirou replied, palming his forehead. "I might not know much about girl´s, but I think most of them dislike getting asked out of the blue, and by some stranger at that."
"But... But I am me. Are my good looks, athletic ability and grades not good enough for her of something?"
"...I never said that."
"And why is she looking at you like that and not at me, anyway?" she didn´t get what he meant, but she looked down embarrassed anyway. It was nothing like that. She was simply surprised, and a little happy he looked like he hadn´t even noticed her scars. "What do you have that I don´t? And don´t you dare say is the height. Don´t you dare."
"Just try to be nice to her, and get to know her before you confess, so you can actually said it with some meaning. I am sure she would be happy to heard that from you, in that case. Now, let´s go. You are bothering her." Shirou said. While his apparent friend spluttered, he dragged him away. She heard the door of the classroom close an instant later. "Sorry about that."
Hanako´s head shot up towards the boy, not having expected he would remain in the class. His posture was relaxed, and he had his hands buried in his pockets.
"It´s fine..."
"I know it´s not fine. You looked really uncomfortable. So, I am sorry. Please forgive him. He is a good person, but he is so good at everything that he can´t dealt with a rejection. Can I make it out to you, somehow?"
"...Okay."
Hanako followed him out of the classroom, and into the rooftop. He told her to sit down down in one of the bleacher, and he went away from a bit. He came back with two drinks in his hands. Cola in the right, and lemon soda in the left. He sat down next to her, still holding the drinks.
"Sorry, I don´t know you, and I forgot to ask, so..." he held up the drinks. "Which one do you like best?"
She took the lemon soda from his hands. It was warm. She didn´t really like this flavor, but she didn´t hate it or anything. She opened it. The boy smiled at her, popped open his own can and took a long ship. For some reason, she watched him. He took the can off his lips.
"Why?"
"Uh?" he turned towards her, utterly baffled.
"Why are you being so nice to me?"
"Why shouldn´t I? That´s what an Ally of Justice would do." that was his replay. She was sure that he was an upperclassman, and yet he gave her such a childish response.
"...I don´t understand."
"Well. Three years ago, I was in a fire." that almost made her spit her drink. How... how could he say something horrible like that? "You know, the Fuyuki Fire. You heard about it, right?"
She just nodded.
"Ah, okay. Anyway. I only barely survived. I didn´t have no scars, so I was far luckier that you, but where I grew up in burned down into nothing. My memories burned in that fire, too. The only think I had left was my name. My adoptive father, Kiritsugu Emiya, saved me from the fire and gave me his name. I want to live like him, to give a happiness to other people. So I can´t turn anybody away, because helping other people is a beautiful way to live." she remembered Kirei`s words, before he adopted her. This kid and him were similar. Not from the first time, she wished she could be different. That she could hold her head high despite everything like Kirei and Shirou.
"Emiya-kun..."
"Oh, you can call me Shirou, if you want."
"S-s-shirou," she somehow managed to stammer out, blushing. Geez. He was really straightforward, but in a completely different way to his friend. "How... How can you keep on believing that, despite what you went through? I-I am not trying to mock you, or anything. Just... is just that I don´t understand it."
"How? … Honestly, I never really thought about it. I have regular nightmares about the fire, but I have been striving for that goal from three years, so sorry, but I don´t know how to answer that."
"No, don´t worry, Shirou." she said, looking down to her can. She clenched it strongly, her knuckles turning white. "That´s answer enough."
They spend lunch together. Shirou lend the conversation, and she did her best to follow him. He was a good person, a really good person, but still he was so energetic he made he sort of uncomfortable. He asked for her name eventually, and also if he could call her Hanako. She said yes. Refusing him when he had given her that right without a second thought would have been too awkward. She guessed... it could be said they were friends now. They went on their separate ways when lunch finished. The smile he gave her while waving her goodbye made her heart skip a beat.
She had her suspicious on what that meant, but no. Just no. Even if her growing feelings were anything more that relief for finding her first friend in four years, she couldn´t bring herself to actually act on them. She didn´t know how, to begin with. Romance books were sort of a guideline, but the majority of them were the writer´s personal fantasy with only a few roots, if at all, in reality. And it´s not like she had a chance, anyway.
The Reinforcement lesson went quite well today, in spite of her inner turmoil. She did it much better that yesterday. She broken only half a dozen cups. Kirei seemed pretty satisfied with her progress, but she was only frustrated. Instead of spending her whole day staring at the ceiling, she went to the library and grabbed Paradise Lost again. She needed something to distract herself with. At night she passed the halfway point, and soon enough she read as the previous characterization of Lucifer started to break apart. That his essential humanity had been reduced to nothing more that a case of unreliable narrator pissed her off, and it also seemed like a personal insult. Like saying that it was a crime to live as you were if you were different from others. In the end, the majority would always win. She set the book down on the desk angrily, almost throwing it away.
She didn´t think she could bring herself to continue reading it.
In two months, her reinforcement became perfect. She was able to ignore her personal feelings, her tiredness or irrational, and succeed in reinforcing the cups every time. Other objects were also no problem. So Kirei started teaching her a brand of Chinese martial arts called Bajiquan. It sucked. She learned the basics pretty quickly, but in the spars he beat the shit up of her without even trying. But that wasn´t the worst part. The worst part was that he could still wipe the floor with her even if he had a blindfold on, and his hands tied behind his back. He didn´t say so, but it didn´t take her much time to figure it out after getting a lecture in Bajiquan. Yet she made progress steadily. In another month, she could at least block a few of the attack he half heartily made, some times. Two months after that, by January of the next year, she was at least something approaching to a decent fighter. Still, decent was not enough to become an Executor. She should at least be happy with even that much, but she just couldn´t.
Her friendship-and nothing else- with Shirou continued. They only saw each other at school, but they spend every lunch break together at the rooftop. Shinji joined most of the time, but not even that spoiled her mood, since he seemed to have really talked Shirou´s words to heart and now he was just making an effort to be nice to her. It would have been more pleasant if she hadn´t know of his intentions.
One day, Kirei told her he couldn´t take her to school. She didn´t question him. He had taken her everyday since she started going to school, even though he didn´t have to, all for her own comfort. She couldn´t whine or try to convince him otherwise, when he for once put his needs above her own. What kind of daughter would do that? So she walked to school, and walked back without complaining, a bit curious of what he was doing. She entered the chapel, and her 'hello, daddy', froze in her lips. Kirei was there, and in front of him was some teenage girl, about her same age. She had a face like a doll. Her flowing, lustrous black hair tied in a two ponytails; her bright, red shirt with a cross symbol and her miniskirt only made her all the more eye catching.
"You fake priest." that girl grumbled, crossing her arms beneath her considerable bust. Hanako saw red, literally. She couldn´t convince how anybody could talk like that to such a kind person. "Fine. We end this here. I still not convinced that you don´t have some ulterior motive for adopting that girl, but it´s not like I going to be able to get out of you."
"Maybe you should ask her." he replied, clearly trying to hold back his laughter.
"Like she would know. And besides, she is not here."
Hanako took a deep breath, stepped into the church and went down to meet them. The other girl tensed upon hearing her footsteps, and turned towards her. Even the way her hair whipped back was sort of elegant. It was hard not to be too nervous around her, since she was everything she couldn´t never been if that fire had never happened.
"O-oh." she muttered, embarrassed for being caught off guard. "Since when have you been there?"
"A f-few minutes."
"You gotta pay attention to your surroundings, Rin." Kirei said. "It´s not good for a magus of the Tohsaka family to be so careless."
"Hold on! How can you say... ah." she instantly relaxed. "I see, so you are training her."
"It´s embarrassing that it took you that long to notice, but yes. I am indeed training her."
"That´s why you adopted her, then. Well. At least, now it makes sense." Rin said. That dismissive tone in her voice pissed her off. Kirei was not a bad person. He trained her because he had begged him to do so. "Hanako... can I call you Hanako?"
"No." she drily replied. Rin´s eyes narrowed.
"Now, now, play nice, would you?" he said. Hanako didn´t know why he would say, but that didn´t matter. He wanted her too play nice with this girl, so she would do so.
"Tohsaka-san." Hanako continued, trying to salvage the situation. "I don´t think it´s proper to ask that on our first meeting."
"So what of it? Is easier that calling you Kotomine-san. Speaking his surname so respectfully would be uncomfortable. To say the least. Ah, in any case." she said, holding her gaze. Despite of the other girl´s intimidating abrasiveness, Hanako managed to not look away. "I understand that you are feeling grateful, but don´t trust this fake priest too much."
"Why shouldn´t I trust my own father?"
"Because he is a sketchy person, that´s why. You have seen it too..."
"He didn´t adopt because of t hat, Tohsaka-san. I begged him to train me."
Rin huffed.
"Is that so?" after that, she made her way to the exit and closed the door behind her without saying goodbye. Hanako´s clenched her hands into fists. She didn´t mind behind overlooked, but that stupid bitch hadn´t said anything to Kirei, who was trained her. And that pissing her off.
"Why?" Hanako asked him, her voice lightly trembling with undisguised anger. "Why would you train such an unpleasant person?"
"Her deceased father left her in my care, so I wouldn´t do otherwise." he replied. Instead of calming her down, that only made her anger grow. He was taking care of that stock up bitch for such noble reasons, and still that girl had the guts to treat him so badly. It was unfair. "Besides. She amuses me. But don´t you worry about it, Hanako."
"...Okay, daddy."
During the first half of the next year, her progress was slow. It seemed like each session was getting her nowhere. Kirei was in unreachable place, just like a year ago, and that gnawed away at her like a disease. She didn´t complain. She didn´t cry, even to herself. But she couldn´t help but felt that was unfair. That she had finally found happiness, and the one who had given it to her seemed so far away. That was the only that mattered to her. On the seventh month, it finally happened. Kirei left for a job. She didn´t allow herself to cry in front of him-he would have been disappointed- but she did maintain the embrace longer that necessary.
She feared he wouldn´t return, no matter how good he was. Still, she tried to lead a normal life. She waked up earlier so she could have time to make breakfast to herself, and walk to her school. She studied, and talked with Shirou and Shinji like nothing was happened. After school, she trained herself in Bajiquan using a book he had in the library, and worked to polish her Reinforcement. She wanted to start reinforcing herself, but she didn´t jump the gun. To be a magus is to walk with death. She understood that despite of her turmoil, so she restrained herself.
He came back in less that a week, but when she saw him again, with a calm yet warm smile, she latched on to and couldn´t help but cry. Shirou was important to her, but Kirei was something. Less that a week... it would better be said that it had already been less that a week since she last saw him. Now, he really was like a piece of herself. If Kirei were to die, she would kill herself on the spot. It was not a pleasant though, but her heart knew it better that her mind that it was the truth.
"Daddy." she began the next day, at dinner, somewhat nervous. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure." he muttered between mouthfuls of mapou tofu. The way he ate it made her even more uncomfortable.
"Can you tell me about... about what you told me, back then?" The pain he felt. He talked to her about it before adopting her, but he hadn´t never given her any actual details. She had been curios since that time. She was asking it now only because she didn´t think it would have been right to ask about those kind of things since they barely knew each other, but now it should be fine.
"Okay. If you really want to heard about it..." he replied, without needing to ask for a clarification. That was only natural. Sometimes, she thought he knew her better that herself. "There´s no much to talk about, though. Is a simple story. My father Risei gave my name it hopes I be all that he wanted me to be, pure and beautiful. And I was. On the outside, at least. I was considered precocious, and had a great sense of morality. I trained since a young age to become an Executor, and became one at eleven. I was everything my father wanted me to be. But... I didn´t like any of it."
She hadn´t even know what to expect, but she hadn´t even thought that something like this would be it. In cemented her admiration of it, though. At executor at eleven... she didn´t know what the Executor´s did, though she could guess from the name, but that was must have been pretty damn impressive. She knew she shouldn´t be feeling so inferior. She had only be training for a year, and he had been trained for pretty much his whole life. But still did.
"Why didn´t you?"
"Because I was hollow, Hanako. I never had a sense of morality. I knew what people though was wrong and what was bad, and tried to hold myself to that standard, but I couldn´t see any meaning in it. I didn´t see meaning it anything. What ordinary people called happiness... didn´t bring me any joy. I was filled with resentment at the world, and so the only thing I enjoyed was seeing other people being brought down to my level: bitter, full of self hatred, seeing their eyes as all the idiot truth of having something unreachable right in front of their eyes crushed their spirits. Only the suffering of others made me felt alive. It was like I was dead already."
"Dad..." she choked, trying to get a hold of herself. This... it was so painfully similar to herself. She couldn´t even count the moments were she was a kid fall down, scrap their knee, start crying as she looked on, smiling, thinking that the person at it coming. Or when a friendship broke down on her rage of hearing. It made her think that, at least, it wasn´t only her that was miserable.
"Is fine. I have come to accept myself a long time ago. You don´t need to comfort me." he replied. She knew that. He had told her a long time ago, but still... "I threw myself into faith, hoping that He would save even somebody such a me, who shouldn´t have existed. I did many things. I punished myself for my incoherent existence by not eating during our pious acts, tried to make me felt some degree of remorse and when everything else failed I tried to find in my body what I couldn´t find in my mind. Shaving away the skin, ripping off flesh, and dislocating bones. But all of it was useless. So... I tried something drastic. I found myself a woman who was already dying of an illness, and tried to love her, but I couldn´t. She understood me better that anybody. She was a saint to me. But... Even though we spend two years together, and I saw all of her struggles, and gave me a child..."
"What?"'
"I had child with her, yes."
"Where is your child now?" her voice dropped, afraid of even thinking it but knowing she had to say it anyway. "Is it...?"
"Death? No. She is within the custody of her relatives."
"Dont... don´t you miss her?"
"How could I miss her, if I never knew her?"
His words brought her to a halt. That was true. He couldn´t miss his own daughter, since he had only know her as a baby, before she would become a person. The few memories he would have could have been of any other baby and, at this point, she doubted he would even remembered her.
"The only thing I was able to leave her in the end was a 'I couldn´t love you'." he continued, like she hadn´t never interrupted her. "She took her own life then, and when she saw me crying she said 'see? You love me' And then she died. But I didn´t. Her death didn´t change me, but I didn´t want to consider her death meaningless, so I stopped looking for answers. I accepted what I was... Do you hate me now, Hanako? Is fine if you do, I will just let you go. I make sure you find a better place to live..."
She grasped his hands on hers, and tightly clenched them.
"No, no, no. Kirei... is fine. You don´t... It´s not a crime." at those last four word´s, something she couldn´t really identify changed in his expression. She started crying. "It´s not."
Kirei squeezed her hands.
During that same year, he started teaching her how to fight with strange swords he called Black Keys. Despite being long like swords, they were unsuited for anything but throwing. He explained their history to them as weapon´s of the Church´s Executors, and some more esoteric details. Then he put some targets for her in the backyard on the church, drew a line in the grass, and stood to the side while she tried to hit the targets with the Black Keys. They were a little bit heavy, and unwieldy. Despite that the initial distance was only of ten meters, she didn´t hit even a single target in the first session. It was really frustrating, especially when he explained his capabilities with the weapons to her and subsequently demonstrated it by hitting four targets at the same time with four Black Keys, prepare three more so fast that she didn´t even see it and then break the remaining four targets. And humbling, too. But frustrating more that anything else.
Bajiquan training didn´t progress any more smoothly. In the end, when the year finished she could only be called competent. But competent only meant comparing to a normal person. If she wanted to work as Executor alongside him, being competent like a human was meaningless. Only a superhuman could fight against all those creatures she heard about from him and come back alive. So her goal was still far, far away.
The next five years passed quickly. Shirou´s adoptive father died very soon, and he just kind off turned off after that. He didn´t have time for himself anymore. All his efforts were focused on becoming a superhero, on upholding his father´s ideal. He was still energetic, but it was undeniable that he had abandoned himself.
She was there on Kiritsugu´s burial, and stayed with him through all the day, trying her best to comfort him. It seemed hypocritical on her, since even after all this time she hadn´t forgotten about her parent´s deaths, and the only reason she still lived on was because of Kirei. Shirou had lost that support, too. He was in place she couldn´t even image. But he was her friend, and she had at least had to try. It didn´t do any good, though. His path was already set.
She eventually managed to handle the Black Keys. To prepare them in only a few seconds, and throw two at the same time with a good degree of accuracy. Bajiquan... well, it could be said she had mastered it, but she still was nowhere close to Kirei´s level, even though she was fairly good at Reinforcing her own body now. And the level of Kirei´s father, Risei, who even Kirei said had been better that him when he was alive, was something so distant it looked unreachable. But she was pretty happy with her progress.
She had endured five years of his occasional trips, fearing somebody from the Church would show to tell her Kirei had died in battle, but for now she could actually join him. The Church had accepted her as an Executor, since Kirei had fully trained her and bunched for her. Also, she had took care to stay in the top of the class, so both of them knew perfectly that missing classes for a few days or even a month wouldn´t be a problem at all. Her first time came shortly, halfway through the first month of that year.
A Dead Apostle had been spotted in a small town that she had never heard about that was not too far from Fuyuki. They were to hunt it down, to ensure the creature´s actives ceased and the repercussions of them wouldn´t go out of hand. It wasn´t like anything she had expected. To begin with, the other Executor´s-four, in total- they meet up with didn´t give her a second look. Not for her age, not for her scars. There wasn´t even a comment. She followed the other´s speed without much trouble through the dense forest during the night, even through it was also raining.
They found the Vampire in an alley, in the middle of a meal. He had his on a burly man´s neck, and his teeth deeply dug into it. The man was a mess. It looked like a savage dog at mauled him and, really, it was kind of true, since Dead Apostles were nothing more that animals in the end. Blood was gushing out of the wound. She could clear see the muscle and bone beneath the torn skin. The creature threw the corpse in his hands aside.
That served as the signal. The Executor´s leaped into action in an instant. She, of course, reacted only a moment later, in spite of all her training. The vampire stood there, his entire posture relaxed, the blood he had ingested dripping down his mouth, serenely watching them come. Hanako reached into her Executor´s robes, and pulled out two hilts, pouring magical energy through them. The blade extended from the hilt because of the magical energy. It was a method Kirei had taught her to hide a lot of Black Keys inside the robes.
She threw the two Black Keys in seconds. One whistled past the creature´s cheek, leaving a bloody line. It hissed it pain, as if burned it. The other throw was accurate, burying the sword in the creature´s knee. It dropped down. It was not a fatal wound, at all. It would shake it off soon, even though it looked like it wasn´t particularly strong. But the distance of ten meters was crossed in less that a heartbeat.
Kirei caught up to him first. Moving so fast she could only barely follow him, he used Bajiquan to drive the Apostle into a corner. He hit it in the head strongly enough to cause a concussion even to a supernatural beast, broke it´s right shoulder and slammed his fist against it´s stomach. The Apostle went flying, it´s ribcage crushed, against the wall. It reached out, ripped out the Black Key and, laughing, jumped twenty meters up in instant before anybody could react. The inhuman action was like a cannon firing. It easily reached the rooftop above.
Hanako poured magical energy through her legs, reinforcing them and jumped. Even though she was fairly skilled at it, she couldn´t jump ten meters up so easily. The other´s couldn´t, either. They had to cover ten meters, and use the building as support to kick off and cover another ten meters. The top was reached fast enough that the vampire was still crossing the top of the building, towards the next one. When it jumped, the six of them had already reached the edge of the building, and jumped after it.
It was overwhelmed quickly, pushed down into the ground and crucified with the Black Keys as it howled and thrashed, it´s skin burning down from where the blade had pierced it´s skin. Kirei exorcised him, while the rest stood to the side, wary of any sudden surprises even though they all knew this was finished. Or at least, that was her impression. The spell he had used to exorcise the creature, making sure it didn´t die, was something he had taught her before but she hadn´t not chance to put it into practice. One of the baptismal chants, the 'Kyrei Eleison'.
After that, they investigated the town. They found a warehouse... she didn´t even what to think about it. There were human´s there, looking drugged, inside of cages like they were monkeys. Some of them were together with the corpses of their companions, like nothing was happening. It was a hellish scene that she could hardly believe was real, even now. But it was. That was just how things were when the heroes didn´t find up in time.
They took care of the corpses, and got the rest of the still alive human´s out, manipulating their if they had been simply kidnapped, and killing those who had been infected and were on their way to become Apostles. She herself had to dispose of quite a few of them. She could still remember the sound of the blade piercing the flesh, and that crunch. Their last, desperate struggles for breath. And Kirei, too. God. She didn´t even want to think how many times he had to something like this, and how he was feeling through it. After what he told her about his past, those two things were too painful to consider.
But she had chosen this life, knowing full well that it wouldn´t be pretty, even though she didn´t really understand the scope of it.
She couldn´t back ou now.
About half a month after the trip, Hanako started to notice that Kirei was in a better mood that usual, like he was expecting something. She wished he could tell her what it was, but she didn´t ask him. He would tell her if he though she should know. Her training had not progressed much since that time. It was stupid to expect a noticeable improvement in such a short time, yeah, but it was not that. She hadn´t not only not improved, but her accuracy and the general precision of her movements had gone down. She couldn´t shake off that warehouse from her head, no matter how hard she tried. Not Kirei, nor Shirou was able to make her forget about it.
On the first day of February, when they went to the training room, he said that he had preparation to do, and that she should get started out of her own. She nodded. When he went out, she stretched and then went through the main Bajiquan techniques by herself. She was interrupted in the middle of it, about five minutes or so after, when Kirei opened the door. She looked at him. He didn´t have nothing but a normal looking dagger clutched tightly in his right hand. She couldn´t even felt magical energy inside of it. She opened her mouth to ask what it was, and...
He stabbed her through the chest. She gasped, and looked down at her chest, his vision slightly swaying. The blade had cleanly gone through her, since she hadn´t reinforced herself yet. Blood was slowly flowing from the wound, dripping on and down the edge of the dagger. She gripped the blade with trembling hands. He brought back the sword, taking with it the only thing that supported her. She felt down on the ground with a dull thud, her mouth filling with blood.
She looked up at him, her vision muddled by tears of pain and betrayal. She blinked until her vision cleared up, and saw his eyes. Those empty eyes, with tears dripping from them. He was crying quietly, still with the bloody dagger clenched in his right hand. She suddenly understood. She didn´t know if that had been what he had thought from the very beginning, or if he had decided after it, but she understood. As death slowly took her, she held his gaze with a shaky smile, wondering only if he had found his answer.
If he had, then her short life would have had some kind of value.