Author's note: First of all, I need to mention my devoted friend HopperIvashkinator. She is a wonderful writer and a fantastic friend, and if I didn't have her, I would have never even thought about writing. I hope you will like this, and since this is my first Fanfic, don't be too hard on me. All characters belong to the wonderful Richelle Mead, and probably the plot. I just tried to put all the quotes and tweets together. :)
It was like I was pulled into one of my worst nightmares.
Zoe was in my room in Amberwood, sprawled on my bed. If only this was the case, I would have been happy to see her. But no. Each time I tried to forget that Zoe was here on a mission, I saw the golden lily on her left cheek. It made me sick every time I saw it.
I didn't know what to do. It was 2 AM and I couldn't sleep. Should I send a text to Adrian saying that we need to meet in a spirit dream? No, I don't want him to use any more spirit. It can wait for the morning, and anyway, he told me he was going to call me first thing in the morning. I could wait until then. Could I?
I took a glance at Zoe again. She looked so peaceful that I wanted to cry. Why was she really here? Partially I could understand the story that "it'd be the best if she, a junior Alchemist, stayed with her sister". I could also understand Stanton's motives for sending an Alchemist backup – Zoe said it herself. But I felt so guilty... My sister, who I wanted to protect all these years was just nonchalantly sent here as backup. No big deal. Even if I didn't have anything to hide, it would be a big deal. But an Alchemist – Zoe, here, now, as a backup, while I was practicing magic, uncovering the Alchemists and their business with the vampire hunters... It was disastrous. Dreadful. Terrible. Terrifying. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And no, I wouldn't fall asleep that night. I couldn't.
I also had doubts. Maybe the Alchemists somehow found out about Adrian, or about Alicia and the magic, or about Ian and my break into their records? Maybe Zoe was sent here to keep an eye on me, to report to them if she saw anything suspicious. Maybe that was the reason why she wasn't angry at me anymore – she was just acting and... No. No. Zoe wasn't like that. She wasn't angry anymore and she was happy because she always wanted to be an Alchemist. She was sent here as backup, to help me find some "normality" and "humanity" while I was surrounded with Moroi and dhampirs. The Alchemists didn't know. Yet.
So, I finally concluded that I was stuck and that I didn't know what to do. I didn't doubt that Zoe would report me if she knew about my involvement with Adrian, magic and if she knew that I was working undercover to uncover the Alchemists. Maybe she would take my side of the story into consideration if she didn't have that golden lily on her cheek. But she did. And the spells, the compulsion making her be loyal to them was too strong. I didn't doubt that, but it made me sick. My little sister was part of them now, and I wasn't anymore. I started referring to the Alchemists as them long ago. I wasn't loyal anymore, and I didn't want to be. As Adrian once said, I was just a part of a machine that treated me like that – like a piece of a mayor society. I didn't want to be that anymore, and I wasn't. But maybe Marcus was also right – maybe I couldn't pull this off on my own. Maybe they'd really send me to Re-education. But that morning I came to peace with this – it was worth it. And most of all, more than magic and feeling free and powerful and finally in charge of my own life, Adrian was worth it. I made my decision, and I knew that I'd need to be more careful now, but Zoe wasn't going to stop me. I'd try to break her tattoo somehow too, but not now. First, she needed to realise that vampires and dhampirs weren't "evil creatures of night". She needed to realise that the Alchemists weren't what they claimed to be. But how would I prove all of that to her? It took three years, Rose Hathaway, Adrian Ivashkov, Marcus Finch and Jackie Terwilliger for me to realise this. Zoe was one of them now, and until I got to her, hoping that she'd trust her own sister, I needed to understand that I couldn't protect her anymore. Actually, I needed to protect myself from her now. No, not from her, Sydney. From the Alchemists. It's their fault.
And at around 3 AM, depression turned into anger. How could they do this to me? How could they do this to her? How could they do this to mum? Why her? Why not anybody else? I knew answer to these last two questions – it was all my fault! If I hadn't called Stanton and said that "I couldn't handle all these Moroi by myself", Zoe wouldn't be here. Zoe would now be home, having a normal teenage life that I always dreamed about, and she would be safe. But Stanton wanted to help me – so she thought that, if she was going to send an Alchemist backup, it might as well be my sister! I hated them so much. And I hated myself. All this mess was my fault.
I finally fell asleep around 4:30 AM. I dreamed about Re-education and about how awful it would be, and then I remembered why I should endure everything. Adrian, I thought, and his green eyes flashed before me. And with that, I felt myself being pulled into a spirit dream.
I found myself in Adrian's apartment, wearing that black dress I wore at St. Louis, which I used to seduce Ian and, as I found out later, which seduced Adrian too. Adrian stood before me, and he wasn't fair – he didn't show up in a tux. He wore a navy blue shirt and denim trousers, and of course, he looked stunning. His every feature – his tall, lean build, his dark, messy hair and his gorgeous, emerald eyes – was beautiful. And even though he was a vampire, I suddenly realised how lucky I was to be in love with him and to have him love me too.
"Oh no", I blurted out before I could stop myself, "The last time I wore this dress only Jill stopped us."
Adrian's soft, low laughter made me happy again. Five minutes ago I thought I wouldn't feel happy for a long time, at least not until my assignment in Palm Springs was over. But before I could think about the Alchemists or about the real word, Adrian spoke.
"Well I couldn't sleep, I wanted to see that dress again." His smirk widened as he spoke his next words. "Seriously, Sage, I thought you wouldn't fall asleep tonight at all. I started checking on you at, like, 1 AM, soon after I got home. You couldn't stop thinking about me, couldn't you?"
He was so cute and charming. And it was so easy to play this game with him, but he reminded me of the reason I didn't fall asleep. Sensing the change in my mood, Adrian stopped smirking and walked over until we were only inches apart. He took my head in his hands and his piercing gaze made me want to cry. I felt my eyes fill with tears, and not wanting to spill them, I closed my eyes and put my hand on his chest.
"Oh, Adrian", I whispered.
Adrian pulled me into an embrace and held me with his strong arms. I thought that if he released me or even loosened his grip on me, I would fade or break down or lose my sanity. He was the only thing keeping me sane, and that was funny since he was so intoxicating – only the closeness of his body made me shudder and his smell made my head spin. We stood there for what felt like hours, in silence. Adrian was so patient, and I thanked him for it, knowing that usually he was the person that asked a million questions in 3 seconds when he didn't know the situation.
When I calmed down enough that I was sure I wouldn't cry and that I could control myself, I pulled myself away from him. His grip on me loosened, but he still kept me close and, putting his hands on my waist, he looked at me with a very sad expression.
"Please, don't tell me that I'll have to live through another one of your famous 'We can't ever do that again' sentence. And don't even try to deny that you love me – your aura is so purple and so red that I think I could go blind by looking at it for 2 seconds. But the problem is, there's something else in your aura. Why are you sad, Sage? Did I do something wrong?" Okay, as soon as he got his chance, he shot a thousand questions at me. But I didn't blame him. I was the one acting weird. And he had all the rights to expect from me my - famous? I said it, like, 2 times – 'We can't ever do that again' sentence, since until yesterday I was going in Mexico, with another man that actually hit me once, and he thought he would never see me again. I had to at least assure him that we, or specifically my emotions, weren't the problem.
"No, Adrian, you didn't do anything wrong. I still love you and I won't deny it. And I'm okay." I smiled at him to show him that everything's fine... „But everything's not fine. It's just that... Oh Adrian, you have no idea what happened!" My voice broke after that and I had to close my eyes to calm myself down once again. Then I remembered the Alchemists and what they did to Zoe, what they took away from her, and I found my strength again. Now I was determined – I wouldn't stop until I uncovered them. No matter the cost.
Since I was occupied with my own thoughts, I didn't even feel that Adrian pulled me into another embrace.
"We can go on like this all night, but I'm really getting nervous, Sage. What is going on? What could possibly make you act like this?" After this he whispered and I barely heard, „Is Jill okay? Did someone attack her? Did someone hurt... you?"
There were so much emotions in his voice. It hurt me to listen to him like this, so I immediately pulled away to look at him. "No, of course not, everyone's fine", I assured him. And to myself, I muttered, "At least physically."
Adrian didn't comment this time. He just stood there with his hands on my waist, looking at me and waiting for me to finally have some mercy and tell him what's going on. I took his arms and pulled him with me. I sat on his bed and when he sat next to me, I put my head on his shoulder.
"Zoe was sent here. Right now she's next to me, sleeping in my bed and has a golden lily on her left cheek." I tried to sound calm and I almost pulled it off. Adrian took my hands in his and straightened my fingers, which were pulled into a fist. He was silent for several long moments. Realising he wasn't going to respond, I decided to continue and to tell him what's bothering me and why I couldn't fall asleep.
"She is a Junior Alchemist and Stanton sent her here as backup, so it's permanent. It's all my fault, Adrian. If I hadn't called Stanton and said that I couldn't handle being around so many Moroi by myself, Zoe wouldn't have been sent here. She would have been home with mom. And I'm not sure how mom even agreed to this – she surely had a fight with dad. They destroyed my family, Adrian. They destroyed my life and I was okay with it, but why Zoe too? Why can't at least she have the life I can't have? And you know what the worst part is? She is so happy and so proud to be part of the society that puts compulsion in your tattoo, controls you and when you go rogue, they just erase you like you never existed. And what is sickening is that I actually believed in them. I believed in their lies. And now I can't have my sister back. She'll never be the same." I stopped after that, knowing I'd either cry or start punching the wall if I continued.
Adrian continued straightening my fingers which were constantly trying to build a fist. It was like they had a mind of their own – I didn't have any control over them. After several more seconds of silence, Adrian took my hand in his, pulled it to his mouth and kissed it. After that, he used it to sway me around to face him. Then he took my face in his hands and lowered himself until our foreheads were touching.
Closing my eyes, I whispered, "I'm so selfish, Adrian. I should have known that this was about to happen. I should have expected it and prevented it."
He finally spoke. "No, you couldn't. Should I remind you that protecting Zoe in the first place wasn't your responsibility, but your dad's? And did he protect her? He was probably the one that suggested sending her! And no, you're not selfish. If you were selfish, you wouldn't have become an Alchemist. You would have fought your father and went to college and lived your dreams and you would have been a wonderful person."
"But in that case, I wouldn't have met you, or Jill, or Eddie, or Angeline, or Rose, or Sonya, or Dimitri.", I whispered, interrupting him. Even though my eyes were still closed, I felt him smile.
"Exactly. So you're not selfish. You're anything but selfish. I know it hurts to have your sister as an Alchemist, and I know you feel like you failed her, but we will solve everything. You'll show her that the Alchemists are the liars and that she should be afraid of them. And the only part that I actually like in everything you said is how you refer to the Alchemists as „them". That means you really have come around, Sydney."
When he said my name like that, I always shivered. Not knowing what to say, I just whispered, "Oh, Adrian."
And even though my thoughts and feelings were a tornado, we were kissing. And it felt right – it was the only thing that actually felt right in the world in that moment. In a second I became aware of where we were, how I was dressed and where this situation was headed again. So I pulled away, despite my body's and Adrian's protests.
"Do you remember the first sentence I said in this dream?" I smiled at him and he smiled back.
"Okay, I won't push it. But only because this is a dream, and it's hell of a good one." Adrian smirked at me and I laughed. I was happy again. He just had that influence, that power over me.
Suddenly a thought occurred to me.
"You realise that we won't be able to be together while Zoe is around, right?" I looked at him and within seconds I was horrified again, but now because of his smirking expression.
"You have no idea what I have prepared for mini-Sage. If she is anything like you, she'll fall on her knees before me within seconds."
I tried – and failed not to laugh. „What does 'If she's anything like you' even mean? It took you months to win me over!" At this he grinned.
"Yeah, but don't lie to yourself – the second you saw me, you knew you loved me."
I hit him in the arm and we laughed. He took my head in his hands once again and kissed my forehead.
"Don't work yourself up, Sage. It'll be okay. You can't undo what they've done to your sister, but you can help her fight against it." I just nodded as he pulled me into another embrace. I snuggled my head against his chest and whispered, "You have no idea how much you mean to me, Adrian."
As his presence slowly banished, along with the spirit dream, I heard Adrian laugh and say, "I think I do, Sage. I think I do."