"The number you have dialled is currently unavailable, you can leave a message after the tone" I quickly hang up. All I wanted is to hear his voice, something different to the one he left me, but I should have known he wouldn't have a personalized voicemail. This is Ranger we are talking about, the man of a few words. You probably asking yourself how could I have not known this, but you have to understand that he never let my calls go to voicemail. Whatever he was doing, he always picked up and now he can't do that anymore and I am left with a generic voicemail and his goodbye message on my phone.

My eyes are blurry as I look at his number in my phone log, when I finally remove it from my ear. I am not only drunk, but I have also been crying, something I have done a lot lately. Ever since I was told that he did not make his regular check ins for the past six months and his handler received Intel that someone matching Ranger's description got made and they have now officially presumed him dead as of two days ago.

There was a small funeral, with an empty casket and Rangeman held a wake for employees and family only. Well the only family there, were Lester and Julie. Ranger and his parents or extended family don't really get along.

The boys are pushing through it, but I can see the grieve is eating away at them and I don't know how to help, apart from coming into Rangemen everyday and helping out as best as I can, all the while also still catching my own skips.

A tear drops down onto my hand, startling me and making me realize I have been staring of into nothingness yet again. Another thing I have been doing a lot lately. I drop the phone next to me on the bed and drag myself up and to the bathroom. I turn the shower to hot, strip out of my yoga pants, top and underwear and just sit under the spray, not caring that the water is burning my skin slightly. I just sit there and stare at the wall, letting the memories of Ranger and me wash over me. This is the only time I can take them, when I am sitting under the shower. Outside of this place I don't let them get to me, push them so far down, so that I can get on with my everyday things.

I sit there until the water runs cold, dry off and warp myself into my fluffy bathrobe. Thankfully it is still warm, despite it being mid of October, which means I can still leave the heating off. I have the whole day off today and nowhere to be, so the couch and I are going to be the best of friends.

With a startle I sit upright and take in my surroundings. The sun is on the opposite side of the room, which means it is afternoon, which in turn means I slept on the couch for a good few hours. The TV is still running and they are showing PS. I Love you. The one where he writes her all these letters after his death. I wish Ranger had done that, so I would have something to look forward to. I just wish I could speak to him. I just want to hear him say 'Babe' one more time. I want to see him smile and smirk and laugh at me when he finds me in various scenarios after I lose my skip and have to call him for help.

The grief counsellor Tank made us go to, suggested for me to write everything down in letters or a diary to deal with my grief, but I have never been a letter, postcard or diary writing person. I am not even sure I know how to write with pen and paper anymore, apart from my signature. Texting and emailing is more my style.

And then it hits me, I could just sent a text or an email. In a flash I am off the couch and in my bedroom. I snatch my phone of my bed and climb under the covers. I open the messaging app and look at the flashing cursor, not sure what to write. Texting has never been part of our friendship. The only time we'd text would be to let the other know menial stuff like 'Will be at Rangemen in 5' or 'Call you later' or 'Babe'.

So the first thing that comes to mind, I type out 'I miss you' and before I can rethink this, I hit sent. A little Icon pops up, which says 'Message sent'.

For the rest of day, I keep looking at my phone, hoping he texts back, but deep down I know that he won't.

Message sent: 18th October 18:30

'You won't believe what happened to me today! A skip started throwing doughnuts at Les and me. What waste of perfectly good doughnuts and they were the good kind too. I saw the Dunkin Doughnuts box when I not so gently arrested the guy.'

I held out two days. Two whole days of checking my phone, because I kept telling myself, he is not going to write back anyways. I kept telling myself that is insane, but I found myself with my phone in my hand more than a dozen times, ready to write him about something outrageous Les said or how Tank and Lula are having fights about the kittens again or how Bobby's last date had so much Botox in her lips that she couldn't even talk. But I didn't message him about any of it, but after the incident today, I couldn't hold out any longer. I just had to, because I knew he would have laughed about it with me.

Message sent: 21st October 22:00

Message sent:

'My mother says I look to skinny and made me not one but two pineapple upside down cakes to take home. It is strange to have my mother fuss over me, but I think she can see how much I struggle with you not being here'

The family dinner tonight was difficult. My parents are aware of what happened to Ranger, but my sister is not. Albert, her and the kids are now living in Miami. Albert got a good job there, and we don't talk as often. But they are in town this week, because Albert has meetings in New York. Val asked about Ranger and Rangemen and I nearly lost it right at the table. Thankfully my mother deflected away from the topic.

Message sent: 22nd October 10:00

'How do you stop missing someone? You are gone and I don't know what to do. Today I had trouble even getting out of bed. God I miss you so much it physically hurts'

It is getting harder and harder not to message him every few hours. It is addicting, like listening to his voicemail over and over again.

"Babe" he sighs 'I am glad I didn't wake you, because I know how you get. I don't want your wrath tonight….I am leaving right now. I am not sure when I will be back, but what mine is yours and you are welcome on seven any time you want. Just...Just try not to go too crazy."

I have listened to that message so many times since he left eight months ago, I lost count.

Message sent: 22nd October 17:24

'The Merry men pretend everything is fine, but I know it is not. Tank is struggling with doing your job. He won't go in your office and had Manny bring all the files from yours into his. He misses his best friend.'

Message sent: 22nd October 17:25

'Les is partying hard, losing his way in the party scene. It is not getting out of control yet, but I can tell that if he doesn't pull himself out of this soon, it could end up badly. Bobby is trying to help, but he too is struggling with losing you.'

Message sent: 22nd October 17:26

'Hector has completely shut down. He is hiding away in his office, working like a dog. He still thinks you are alive and trying to find proof. Since I am messaging you, I do not have the heart to tell him to stop, none of us do. We miss you.'

Message sent: 1st November 12:00

'I am sorry, it's been a while, but my phone got drowned when I got pushed into the river. Thankfully my merry men were there to pull me out. At least I had an excuse to use your shower and bed for the night. It all still smells like you. But I lost your voicemail. It wasn't backed up and there is nothing Hector could do to get it back.'

What I don't message him is that I cried for two days straight. I will never hear his voice again.

Message sent: 2nd November 08:00

'I snuck up to seven again yesterday. Hector found me in your closet holding one of your shirts. They still smell like you. How is that possible? You have been gone for so long now.'

I look around the seventh floor from the front door, clutching my phone in my right hand and take another breath. I am like an addict. I keep coming back for another hit.

"Steph" Bobby says quietly and comes to stand next to me on my left. "Are you okay?"

"No…" I shake my head. "I am not." Next thing I know, I am drawn into his chest, powerful arms locking around me. "I thought, if I message him, if I am in his space it would get easier, but all I am hoping is that he will message me back or barge through the front door demanding to know who is responsible for me hiding on seven again."

"I know...I know" Bobby runs his hand up and down my back. "Give it time. It will get better."

Message sent: 2nd November 21:30

'Bobby tells me it will get better, but I don't believe him and I know he doesn't believe it either. All I feel is grieve.'

Message sent: 3rd November 15:32

'Rex died today. After all these years, he has now left me too.'

I bury my furry friend in my parents backyard, when they are gone for the weekend. I didn't want anyone there. It had to do this on my own.

At this point I am just numb. I don't feel anything anymore, because I just bury all my feeling deep, deep down, unless I am in the shower, then I let them all out. Which is not pretty.

Message sent: 4th November 18:45

'The Grief Counsellor told me today, that me messaging you is not healthy and I have to stop, but she is the one who suggested I should write letters. I think Tank may have not vetted her as best as he should have done. Does she even have a degree? I can't stop messaging you, because it means you are gone and I don't want that yet.'

Message sent: 5th November 00:05

'The grief counsellor also wants me to be honest with my feelings for you. Pfft as if. This is our thing. Never admitting our feelings towards each other.'

Message sent: 5th November 00:11

'I can't sleep, as you can tell. I keep thinking: why you had to go on that mission? I told you I had a bad feeling that something was going to happen, when you first told me that you would be leaving soon. Why didn't you listen to me? Should I have tried harder in making you stay?'

Message sent: 5th November 00:30

'Actually scratch that, I know I could not have made you stay. You would have been AWOL and would have gone to prison...but then again prison would be preferable to you being dead. I would have come once a week for a conjugal visit. Do military prisons allow them?'

Message sent: 5th November 04:35

'I have given up sleeping and instead gotten up for a stake out. My skip is Benni the kid. The old nutter has skipped bail again. When will he learn? Probably never, same as I will never stop texting you.'

1st December

I have kept messaging him menial things over the last month. A gif I found funny and he would have hated, funny skip stories and about the weather. And deep down I try acknowledge that I still wish he would reply.

I look at the Christmas section in Wal-Mart and start smiling. Last year I dragged Ranger with me to pick out a tree for my apartment, all in the pretence that I needed a strong capable man to chop it down and carry it for me, but truth is the Tree Yard Manager is a friend of my dad's and he would have done all that for me if I'd asked him to.

I dragged him around the Christmas Tree Farm for an hour, before settling on the perfect one.

Message sent: 1st December 10:00

'Standing in Wal-Mart in front of the Christmas decorations. Even though you grumbled the whole hour we were at the Farm last year, I know you had fun. I saw you smile a few times when you thought I wasn't paying attention to you. Truth is, I just wanted to spend some time with you. You had just come back from a month long tour visiting the other Rangemen locations and I hadn't seen or spoken to you in forever.'

This is going to be hard going through Christmas and the New Year. My parents are in Miami visiting my sister for the whole month and my grandmother is in the assisted living centre.

Message sent: 2nd December 21:09

'The merry men were talking about clearing out your apartment. It's been nearly two months since the funeral and they think it's time. Maybe donate some of the clothes to the homeless shelter, now that is getting cold again. All I wanted to do is shout at them not to do this, but I don't have the right, we were nothing more than friends, something I will regret for the rest of my life. Maybe you would have stayed, if we had been more.'

Tank stands in front of the apartment door and just stares at it. "I can't do it...fuck I can't do it." I reach for his hand and lace my finger with his giant ones. I squeeze his hand, letting him know he is not alone in this.

Les is leaning next to the front door, looking hangover. He has slowed down the partying and drinking a bit, but only because it was interfering with his work performance.

Bobby is the only one who has managed to cross the threshold. But his shoulders are tense and I can tell he is struggling like the rest of us.

Hector is the only one who is missing. He is still not coming out of his office.

"How do you do it Steph?" Tank whispers almost. "It seems that this hasn't affected you at all? As if he didn't mean anything to you."

I let go of his hand and step away, feeling like I have been slapped in the face. But to be fair, Tank nor Les know that I am messaging Ranger's number or that I scream in my shower in pain every day. And because of that I don't flip my lit. "Don't say that, because you know that is not true. I bury it deep, because if I didn't I wouldn't make it out of bed in the morning. I bury it deep, because you and all the other men are grieving too and you need help. I have my own way of dealing with it."

"I am sorry" Tank looks almost ashamed. "I shouldn't have said that. I am grateful for what you have done in the past few months, but you have to let it out, otherwise it is going to overwhelm you at some point."

Message sent: 2nd December 23:58

'We couldn't do it, clear out your apartment I mean. We will try again at some point, but Tank, Bobby and Les are not ready. They aren't ready to let go and neither am I.'

Message sent: 4th December 18:57

'The counsellor is trying to get me to talk about Joe, you and me. She still thinks I am holding back and until I can be honest with myself, she does not see a point of us continuing. She obviously has never been to denial land, because she would understand why I don't want to get out of it.'

"Hey" a familiar voice behind me says and I turn around with a smile.

"Joe!" I exclaim and give him a hug. "It's been a while."

"It sure has, Cupcake. How are you doing?" I let him go and look at him. New York life suits him.

"Been okay" I shrug. "How have you been?"

"I am not letting you get away with that answer. Come on...beer and pizza on me" He slings an arm around my shoulders and drags me over to the furthest and darkest corner in Pino's, where he knows no one will disturb us. He pushes me into a chair, before coming to sit in the one opposite of me. "So spill, how are you really doing?"

"Been better" I answer truthfully.

"I am sorry about Ranger" Joe says and the look on his face tells me he is being genuine. "Him and me never got along, but he was a decent guy. Could have treated you better, but still he was a decent guy."

"What do you mean he could have treated me better?"

"Come on Steph...all the not so secret kisses in the alleyway while you and I were still together, Hawaii, letting you stay at his place for weeks on end when you had a stalker, but pushing you away the moment he thought you wanted more?...Cupcake, despite him being an alpha male, he was a pussy when it came to you. He should have manned up."

"First of all, Alpha male? Are you reading romance novels now? And secondly, be glad he can't hear you call him a pussy." I smile at Joe. I missed him, as a friend. "I am sorry the way everything went down between us. You too deserved to be better treated."

"Didn't I tell you a few months back to stop apologizing?" He takes a sip of his beer and winks at me. "Water under the bridge. We were never meant to be...shame though you never fessed up to Ranger how you felt."

"It is what it is" I shrug.

Message sent: 5th December 03:50

'Joe got me drunk tonight. It was great to see him. He called you a pussy, but please don't tell him I told you so or you know...hit him...I wish Hawaii would have been a start of something great, but instead it caused both of us to withdraw further from the truth.'

My head is pounding when I wake up at midday. I haven't been this hangover in quite some time. I don't go out anymore and Lula loves to complain about that in great detail. I just can't bring myself to dress up and go out.

When I look around and take in my surroundings, I realize that I am on seven, not in my own apartment. For the longest time I sit there, leaning against his head board taking in his space. I haven't been in the apartment for a few weeks and we only made it to the front door when we intended to clean this place out, but something feels off, something is different.

I get out of bed, realizing that I raided Ranger's closet and slept in one of his Rangemen shirts last night, and start wandering around. When I get to the living room it hits me, the flat no longer smells like him.

"Oh god...oh god nooo" Tears instantly pool in my eyes and start dropping rapidly. My legs give in and I don't even attempt to go to the couch, I just sink down on the floor. Grieve is hitting me hard everywhere, my whole body hurts, my heart aches. The worst kind of pain.

I don't know how long I am lying on the floor, crying, but at some point Bobby walks in, picks me up and brings me back into the bedroom. "Bobby, I ca….I can't...he is gone...he is not coming back." I hold on tight, not letting Bobby move anywhere.

"I am sorry Steph….I am so, so sorry" Bobby sits on the bed, kicks of his shoes, as quickly as he can with me on top of him, before drawing the blanket over both of us.

"It doesn't smell like him anymore...It is gone" I cry and it is not pretty, but I can't hold it in any longer. "Why didn't he listen when I told him I had a bad feeling about this? Why did he had to go?"

Message sent: 7th December 19:00

'I am sorry that I have been MIA...it's been a couple of difficult days, which I spend crying my eyes on seven. The apartment doesn't smell like you anymore. It just hit me when I woke up two days ago and god it hurt. The whole place seems empty, like you have left completely now and it breaks me. I miss you so much!'

Message sent: 8th December 11:25

'I feel slightly better after my breakdown. Like a bit of weight has lifted of me. It still hurts and I still miss you, but I am not drowning in it anymore. Maybe Tank was right, I should have let this out long ago.'

Message sent: 10th December 16:26

'We are doing it, cleaning out your apartment. I didn't realize you had so many pictures of the two of us. I am keeping them. I don't ever want to forget you.'

"We need to sent these to Julie" I stack a box next to the front door, with pictures, letters and mementos. Julie has had a hard time dealing with all of this too. I tried calling her a few times in the past two months, but she just sent me a message asking her to give her space. She said talking to me would be even harder, but Julie didn't explain further.

"I will get it to her" Tank says, when he walks out of the office with a wooden box in hand. "This is for you little girl."

"What is in it?" I ask curiously.

"I do not know, but it was in his safe and had your name on it" He taps the side, where there is indeed my name carved into it.

"Thank you" I nod and place it in the box with the other stuff I am keeping. It already has some of his shirts, shower gel and pictures in it. "What are you going to do with this place?"

"Ranger left specific notes with his attorney to what has to happen to all his assets after his death, we will follow that when we have the meeting in the new year." Tank answers.

"I am surprised it took them this long to reach out. This usually happens right after someone is presumed dead."

"Apparently our friend asked them to hold off a few months, to give us time to deal with it all." Tank shrugs and disappears back in the office.

Message sent: 11th December 22:45

'What is in the Box, Ranger?'

Message sent: 12th December 13:21

'I can't bring myself to open it. This is my last connection to you and I am not ready'

Message sent: 13th December 09:00

'The Box is just mocking me now. Calling me to open it, but I am afraid what I will find when I do. Why did you do this to me?'

24th December

It is Christmas eve and the Box has been sitting under that tree since I put him up. I grab the cheap bottle of wine from my table, not bothering with a glass, and take a couple of sips. Liquid courage.

I pull it over, take a deep breath and open it. There are a couple of small jewellery boxes in there, a stack of passports, a few documents and an envelope.

I grab the passports first and open each one of them. One is Mexican, one Cuban, there is an English and Russian one too and all of them have my picture in it. Each name is different and the birth years vary too.

I grab my phone.

Message sent: 24th December 21:35

'You made me fake passports? Was that really necessary?'

Next comes the documents, which I realize are marriage certificates, matching the passports.

Message sent: 24th December 21:41

'You got us fake married?'

When I open the jewellery boxes, my breath catches. "Oh Ranger". In one of the boxes are two rings, a beautiful multi band engagement ring, with one big centre stone in silver and rose gold. The other ring looks like a wedding ring, which is a simple rose gold and silver band, with a date engraved. It takes me a minute to realize, that engraved in that ring is the date we met at Pino's all those years ago.

The tears are falling now and I open the second box. A beautiful Pandora bracelet with multiple charms attached and one of them being batman and wonder woman.

Message sent: 24th December 22:45

'I have been sitting here staring at the rings for the better part of the last hour. They are beautiful, despite them being for my fake identities.'

I grab the envelope and carefully open it. A picture of me and Ranger falls out and on the back is written 'My biggest regret is never being honest with you and telling you how I really feel'.

There is nothing else in the envelope, just that picture. I turn it around and smile, despite the sadness consuming me. This was taken at the Rangemen summer party last year. Ranger had rented a house at Point Pleasant for the weekend and this was taken the last night there. I know, because I was wearing Ranger's oversized jumper.

Flashback

"Come closer" and before I can answer him, he grabs my arm, pulls me out of my seat and onto his lap. His smile is easy and his eyes look carefree. "Don't worry about the others" He adds when I look around worriedly.

"You are drunk" I comment and his smile widens.

"Nope, only had a couple, so let's call it mildly tipsy." He answers, making me laugh.

"Tipsy? That is a word I thought I would never hear come out your mouth."

"It describes perfectly how I am feeling right now" He pulls me even closer and whispers in my ear "Relax Babe." I look around again and when I realize everyone is engrossed in their own conversations, I relax into him and lean my head on his shoulder. "There you go."

When I shiver, he pushes me away slightly, strips of his hoodie and draws it over my head, not caring that I have a beer in my hand. "HEY" I exclaim, but only can hear and feel him chuckle. With my free hand, I pull my head out the top and my hand through one arm, before switching the beer to the other hand, to draw that one through too. Thanks to him, my bun has come loose and I bet I look like a mess, but instead of caring about my hair, he pulls me back into him.

"Suits you far better than me" He murmurs and kisses the top of my head. In this one moment, the world is perfect.

End of Flashback

The picture was taken when I pulled my head of out of the hoodie, glaring at him, while Ranger is spotting this amused smile on his face. But his eyes show nothing but love. It is the perfect picture, taken just at the right moment.

Message sent: 24th December 23:24

'As you can tell I opened the box. I have no words, which is a first for me."

Message sent: 31st December 23:56

'It has taken me until now to think of something to say. I am sorry we were never honest with each other, I am sorry we never got to have our someday. It is almost midnight and I think it is time I am letting you go. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I need to move on. With this box you have given me the closure I needed.'

Message sent: 31st December 23:59

'I will never forget you Carlos. I love you. Forever yours, Babe'

I start the New Year of crying to sleep, missing the man I love like crazy, but also knowing that I have to move on. I have to let go.