** This is my first songfic, but not my first fanfic, but please be nice in reviews all the same! I'm going to continue on this chapter with more chapters, but with different songs to base those chapters on. I really hope you like it! This chapter is based on the song "Nothing" by The Script.
**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or storylines or anything really that is associated with the Hunger Games nor do I own any of the lyrics or song rights that go with "Nothing".
Peeta POV
Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now,
Then I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I'm smiling but I'm dying, trying not to drag my feet.
Katniss. The only girl I've ever loved, I've lost. The one who was with me through literally everything is now out of my grasp. I've done it. I've chased her into Gale's arms. Allow me to explain.
After the Hunger Games, for one fleeting span of time, I was convinced that I'd finally won over the girl that I'd loved. The only girl I'd ever love. But then, I had it so humiliating told to me that it was nothing but an act. An act of survival on her part. She never loved me. She was only playing the cameras and playing me. So, naturally, being the fool that I am, I chased this beautifully wonderful girl away and into the arms of my competition. She's with Gale now that the cameras aren't on her. And here I am, headed to a pub with my friend Burkley, and Haymitch.
The words "am I better off dead? Am I better off a quitter?" run through my mind as I seriously take the time to consider them. Without Katniss, I probably am better off either dead or a quitter, rotting and giving my body completely to alcohol like Haymitch has. They tell be that I'm better off now that I've given up the hope of really having her. As they lead me, I smile and put on a brave face, while in all actuality, I'm dying on the inside and it's seriously taking all my effort not to drag my feet across the square.
They say a few drinks will help me to forget her
"C'mon Peeta, it's not that bad! Just have one more beer, ale, vodka, white liquor, whatever you want! I promise it'll make you feel better! Just look at how good it makes me feel," Haymitch goes on and on about how I need to lighten up and drink a little more. Yes, Haymitch, I completely want to turn out exactly how you did, I think to myself sarcastically. But still I suppose one more drink couldn't hurt too much. With an approving look from Haymitch and a wary one from Burkley, I lean over the counter to the bartender and say,
"I'll have another ale," and with that, I drink my sorrows away.
But after one too many, I know that I'm never
This had to be my seventh drink. As I drink it in, I begin to think about her. Katniss. The girl I've loved my whole life. How could she do this to me? How could she desert me like she has? How could she leave me for Gale? Why doesn't she love me? Is this what it feels like to be insanely drunk? I look to my left and see that Haymitch has fallen asleep on the counter, in his drunken stupor, but Burkley is looking at me with a concerned look on his face. He tries to get me convinced to go home, but the only way I'll sleep tonight is if I can get this undying pain out of my system.
Only they can see where this is gonna end
They all think I'm crazy, but to me it's perfect sense
And my mates are all there, trying to calm me down
Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if I go there now,
I can change your mind turn it all around
And I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred
So I'll dial her number and confess to her
I'm still in love, but all I heard
Was nothing.
"Peeta, don't do this to yourself!" Burkley shouts at me as I exit the pub. Haymitch stumbles drunkenly after him, but I'm on a drunken rampage. Burkley knew it would end like this, and he thinks I'm insane for it, but in my mind, it makes absolute perfect sense. He catches up with me now, trying to calm me down while I shout her name all over town.
"Katniss! Katniss! Katniss!" my screams echo blankly off the walls of houses. Burkley catches up with me and tells me that there's no use and that we should just go back to either the pub or home. But I know I can't.
"Burkley, you don't understand! If I go there now I can change her mind, turn it all around!" When he astutely points out that I'm completely wasted, I answer "I know that I'm drunk, but I'll say it, and I'll make her listen, even though it's slurred," I plead with him. In the end, he says he won't let me go to her house, but I can call her using the phone they recently installed outside the pub. I go back and dial her number. When the phone is picked up, I don't even wait to hear her say hello before I plunge on in.
"Katniss, I love you. I know this isn't exactly the best thing for you to hear right now, what with you and Gale hanging off of each other ever since we got back, but it's true. I need you so much right now. I went off drinking with Haymitch and Burkley, which probably wasn't the best idea right now, but it did make me see one thing. This can't go on any longer. I love you more than you will ever know. I've loved you since you first sang that one song in grade school. I loved you before the Hunger Games. I loved you when you volunteered for your sister. I loved you when you pushed me out of the elevator for confessing my love for you on national television. I loved you when you cared for me when I was sick. I loved you when I cared for you when you were sick. And even now, after the games and even though you're with Gale, I still love you with all my heart. I c-c-cant…I c-c-c-cant…" I trail off as I dissolve into tears and wait for her to say something, even if it's just something to tell me that I'm being stupid and I need to get sober before I talk to her again. Even if it's a scathing remark, I need to hear her say something. But no. All I hear is nothing.
So I stumble there
Along the railings and the fences
I know if I faced her face
That she'll come to her senses
Every drunk step I take leads me to her door
If she sees how much I'm hurting,
She'll take me back for sure
The moment I realize she's not going to say anything, I slam the phone down and head in the direction of her house. I have to go there. I have to see her. Katniss.
"Peeta, Peeta no! Now Peeta, we agreed upon this!" Burkley trails behind me and tries to pull me back, but I continue to stumble there, gripping the railings and the fences for support. I'm not even sure where Haymitch is at this point, but I don't particularly care either.
"Burkley, understand this," I slur badly. "Katniss cannot stand it when anyone she…has spent any amount of time with is hurting. So all I have to do is look her face to face and she'll come to her senses," I'm nearing our houses now, and with every drunken step I take, I get closer to her door. "If she sees how much I'm hurting, she'll take me back, I know it," I assure Burkley. Still, he doesn't look convinced. I'm almost there now. A couple more houses down. So close. As I near the door, I start calling her name again and again as it echoes dully against the stone houses in front of me.
And my mates are all there, trying to calm me down
Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if I go there now,
I can change your mind turn it all around
And I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred
So I'll dial her number and confess to her
I'm still in love, but all I heard
Was nothing.
I go to the door. I knock and lean against something solid for support. My eyelids droop from the strong influence of alcohol. When the door opens, though, I open my eyes as wide as I can, expecting a full confrontation with Katniss. Instead, I get to look at her mother.
"Why Peeta, what on earth is going on?" Her mother then inhales deeply and smells the alcohol on me and backs off. "Katniss is in her room I'm afraid, and I don't think she'd want to deal with you in this state anyway," she backs away and tries to close the door, but I have to get one last word in.
"Does Katniss have anything to say to me? Because I have a LOT to say to her and I know I can make her listen, even though I'm so darn drunk. I can change her mind, I know I can! Does she have anything, anything at all to say to me?" I question her, my slurring now so bad, I don't think even I understood what I said.
"No. Katniss has nothing to say."
She said nothing
Oh, I wanted words
But all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing
I got nothing
Oh I wanted words
But all I heard was nothing.
Oh, sometimes loves intoxicating
Oh you're coming down
You're hands are shaking
When you realize there's no one waiting.
She said nothing. Nothing. She had nothing to say to me. All I needed was to hear her say something, anything, and she said nothing. As I stumble back to the fence that lines the houses, I lean down and bury my face in my hands. I feel Burkley come up behind me and try in vain to comfort me. No one can comfort me. No one but Katniss, and as we've already discovered, she has nothing to say. Nothing at all. I promptly throw up all the alcohol that I've consumed in the bush next to me, and it's then that I realize that my hands are shaking. It's then that I realize something else too. All those times in the games, I thought she was waiting for me. I don't know why, but it always just felt like she was waiting for me. Even after the games in the interviews and such, I felt like she was waiting for me. Now I realize that there's no one waiting. No one at all. The tears begin to flow again as Burkley helps me up and leads me to my house.
Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Then I ever was with her
And my mates are all there, trying to calm me down
Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if I go there now,
I can change your mind turn it all around
And I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred
So I'll dial her number and confess to her
I'm still in love, but all I heard
Was nothing
She said nothing
Oh, I wanted words
But all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing
I got nothing
Oh I wanted words
But all I heard was nothing.
Oh, I got nothing
I got nothing
I got nothing
As I get back into my house and shower, I replay the entire evening. I think those words again. Am I better off dead? Am I better off a quitter? I know that they said that I was better off now that I wasn't with her, but that's not true. It can't be true. She is the only one I've loved. I remember myself wandering drunkenly through the streets shouting her name while Burkley tries to comfort me and make me stop. I remember calling her, confessing my love, and hearing nothing, and then having the same incident repeated at her house again with her mother. All I wanted was to hear her say something. But no, all I heard was nothing. I got nothing. I try and say this over and over and maybe it'll be easier to accept. I got nothing. I got nothing. I got nothing…