The Real Life of the Akatsuki
Chapter One: Bathroom Fun
"Deidara stop hogging the bathroom! You've been in there for almost an hour." Uchiha Itachi was banging on the door to the Akatsuki hideouts only bathroom. Itachi was wearing a towel with dancing cookies on it; his messy black hair was hanging in his face and his eyes were red and sleepy. Itachi was irritated; he had been standing in the hallway for the past hour listening to Deidara belt out whatever song came to his small mind. It was torture. It was 8:10am. Itachi had planned to be done by now. "Jeez, get out of the bathroom already."
"Awwwh but my hands haven't brushed their teeth yet." Deidara whined from the bathroom. Itachi rolled his eyes.
"Fine but make it quick. I need bathroom time too you know." Itachi ran his hand through his greasy hair. "If I don't get premium bathroom time my hair will get frizzy. I GET ANGRY WHEN MY HAIR IS FRIZZY!" Itachi pounded on the door again.
"Ok, ok don't get snappy. I'm almost done." Deidara's voice was strangely chipper. "Come on in, my hand mouths just have to rinse."
"Finally!" muttered Itachi as he reached for the door knob. He was about to open it when he heard a strange chewing noise leaking out of the door. He paused for a second wondering what Deidara was up to. "It's just his hand mouths rinsing" thought Itachi. Suddenly a random giggle came from the door and Itachi narrowed his eyes in suspicion.
"Ok done. You can come on in Itachi-san." Itachi was so relieved to be able to finally use the bathroom he forgot his suspicions about Deidara. Itachi pulled the black door open with haste. BANG! A tiny clay insect jumped up and exploded on Itachi's nose. It was a small explosive insect, a specialty of Deidara. The force of the explosion had caused Itachi's hair to stand on end, and it blew his towel off his body and clear to the other side of the hallway. It was too small to do any real damage to Itachi but it was still hurtful to his pride and nerves.
Deidara stuck his head out the smoking door frame and examined Itachi with his electronic eye. Deidara burst out laughing at the sight of him. Itachi was naked with wide eyes, his hair stood up in all directions. He wore an expression of shock and discomfort that would be seen on a three year old that had recently wet himself. Deidara collapsed to the floor with tears rolling down his cheeks. He was bright red and just couldn't stop.
Slowly Itachi's shocked expression turned to rage. His dark brown eyes slowly turned red as they transformed into his three pronged Sharingan. Suddenly Deidara stopped laughing and regained his composure. "Sorry Itachi-san won't happen again. I promise. Artists word." He coolly strolled out of the bathroom and turned left to head for breakfast. Before Deidara continued down the hall he stopped "Nice hair by the way." At these words Itachi's hand shot to his head as he felt his hair that was now extremely unruly.
"Damn it Deidara why do you have to be so immature? If it get my hands on you I'll beat your artistic ass into another realm. Literally." Itachi's towel flew and hit him in the face gagging him.
"Can't kill what you can't catch." Deidara giggled and ran down the hallway. Itachi ripped the towel off his face and threw it down in anger.
"Mangenkyo Sharingan!" Itachi's eyes morphed into the infamous jagged star of his Mangenkyo Sharingan. Itachi turned his malicious gaze down the hallway and just barely caught a glimpse of Deidara at the end of the hallway. He tried to send Deidara to the "nightmare realm", world of one thousand terrors, but he hit the blue pot at the end of the hallway instead. The plant in the pot wilted and died when Itachi's evil gaze fell upon it. (The plant in the pot was, for some unknown reason, named Uki-san by Tobi.)
Deidara rushed around the corner and disappeared but his hand reappeared a second later with and evil grin. It smiled even wider then let out a nice long, wet raspberry special for Itachi before following the rest of Deidara around the corner.
Itachi just stood there for a few seconds before he realized that he was standing naked in the middle of the hallway with his Sharingan activated. He felt stupid as he marched back to the bathroom. He was so furious that he forgot to put his towel back on. He shuffled into the bathroom and slammed the door.
The tiny bathroom was a mess. It was pink tiled (Zetsu's strange idea.) with black floor mats. A slimy looking sink stood near the door. It was also pink. Nasty old tooth brushes and combs sat in the sink collecting the oozing muck that was slowing sliding to the bottom. A layer of greasy water covered the floor while piles of Deidara's clothes lied around soaking it up. The tiny shower stood against the back wall. Wads of blond and brown hair sat bubbling in the bottom of the shower. Itachi was repulsed by the sight. Suddenly Itachi's gaze fell upon the pink toilet in the corner. It was shiny and clean for reasons Itachi couldn't explain. He carefully tread over the nasty water and clothes to reach the toilet which seemed to beckoning to his bladder which was now suddenly feeling very full.
The toilet seemed to be the only clean thing in the entire bathroom, which was great news for Itachi and his bladder.
Itachi stood naked in front of the toilet ready to relive his aching bladder. He was about to let it all out when the toilet began to shudder and vibrate. "What now?" thought Itachi. Suddenly the vibrating stopped and something large and darkish green began to rise out of the porcelain bowl. It was the large toothed head of Zetsu the human fly trap. He was one with the toilet as his black and white head rose out of it. Zetsu was also naked and was holding his rubber ducky Plucky and a back scrubber.
"Oh Itachi-san! I did not know it was your turn to use the bathroom this morning." His voice was deep but sounded far away. "Where did Deidara-san go? He invited me to a rubber ducky tea party this morning but now it seems he's not here." Zetsu held up his bright yellow rubber ducky Plucky and squeezed him making him squeak.
"He ran off to breakfast." Said Itachi impatiently, "I think I'm not sure. Now I'm kind of naked so can you leave? Now!" Itachi waved his hand at Zetsu as if to shoo him away.
Zestu's black face frowned but the white side kept smiling. "Well I suppose so but me and Plucky were really looking forward to the tea party." Plucky nodded in agreement. "Bye Itachi-san, if you see Deidara tell him that me and Plucky would like a word."
"Sure, whatever bye!" Itachi was growing irate.
"Good-bye Itachi-san" Zetsu's white face winked at Itachi as Zetsu sank back into the toilet which he came from. Itachi shuddered and looked down. He no longer had to use the bathroom.