Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi
A/N: I wrote this after Eli and Clare broke up. This story is in Eli's POV.
I'm not in love
I woke up at six like normal. My body is almost healed and all the cuts were starting to close which was a given, but my heart was still shattered from Clare's words. Seeing her everyday kills me.
One song about a girl
I can't breathe when I'm around her
I'll wait here everyday
In case she'll scratch the surface
She'll never notice
I walked into school after Bullfrog dropped me off. Clare was at her locker like normal and I couldn't stop my feet from walking towards her.
"Finish your English project?" I asked casually
"Of course I was actually coming to find you so you could proof read it." She said handing me a folder.
I dug into my messenger bag, pulled out a black folder containing my essay and handed it to Clare "Here." I said as she smiled and took my folder, her smile still made my heart beat at an erratic pace, but the little ping in it reminded me we're not together. "See you in English." I said as I walked away from her locker.
"Eli!" Clare called out, causing me to turn to her "I'm glad you're doing better and I would like to be friends. It's been over a month and I miss having you in my life." Clare explained
"Maybe." I said back to her, seeing her face sadden caused my heart to ping with even more pain.
I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a girl
Whoa!
I sat in my desk like normal, I liked sitting in front of Clare knowing that I can't look at the back of her head or imagine what she's doing. We traded essays and were given half of the class to rewrite them. Her handwriting was beautiful and perfect just like her even if it was only to correct my grammar and make my essay better. I tried not to notice the fact that she left little personal notes to me as I re-wrote my essay fixing my corrections, and adding her add-ons. I wanted to be friends with her, but it's just too hard.
"Please pass up your corrected essays, your next essay will be a collaboration with your partner I want you write a story about love and triumph. I expect you all to amaze me." Ms. Dawes stated as I held back a groan. The last thing I needed was to have to work with Clare, it was bad enough I had to see her every damned day and not be with her.
Luckily for me classes went by rather fast after that. Clare's been avoiding Adam as a result of our break up, but from his actions he's either pretending he's ok when he's not, or he's over it. My bet is on the ladder because I know how close him and Clare were, though there was a new addition to the two of us; a girl named Imogen that Adam and I met on her first day when she asked to sit with us at lunch; after Imogen calmed down and gave up trying to "stand out" by lying to everyone, she opened up to Adam and I, and the three of became close. Adam and I both knew she would never replace Clare.
I was just about to walk out of school when I heard someone call my name. It was Clare. I turned towards her and raised a brow. "I was wondering if I can call you at 8 to work on the project I figure it would be easier on you." She stuttered.
"Sounds good and thanks for the consideration." I forced a smirk as I left the school and went home.
Last night, I knew what to say
But you weren't there to hear it
These lines, so well rehearsed
Tongue tied and over-loaded
You'll never notice
Clare and I talked on the phone for hours even after we finished the assignment. It felt like nothing changed.
"Hey Eli?" Clare asked
"Hmm?" I responded
"I like talking to you like this." She whispered
I knew exactly what she meant "So do I." I replied, then paused "We'll see how it goes."
"Can you talk to me until I fall asleep tonight?" She asked.
I didn't have the heart to object. "Sure" I muttered I when I wanted to confess how much better I am and how much I missed having her in my life. I held back my true emotions knowing they will never be said, for the first time since Clare left me I felt happy again and everything felt like normal.
I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a girl
I'm not in love
This is not your song
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a girl
I smirked when Clare fell asleep, I knew she was sleeping not only because of the obvious silence that fell over us, but also because Clare's breathing changed to slow steady even breaths. "I still love you Clare." I said knowing she was in a deep sleep. "More than you'll ever know and it kills me." I felt a few tears fall as I said that, then I felt sleep over come me.
To be love, to be loved
What more could you ask for?
To be loved, to be loved
Everyone wants
To be loved, to be loved
What more could you ask for?
To be loved, to be loved
Everyone…
The next morning when my dad dropped me off I walked through the doors and seen Clare at her locker. I found myself being drawn to her again, only this time I didn't make it to her locker; instead I watched her shut her locker and smile up at Jake someone I recognize in one of my classes, then he bent down and kissed her, watching her kiss him back caused my heart to break all over again which I didn't know was possible, as if my heart wasn't broken enough.
I don't know how to deal with Clare dating someone else and having to stand by and watch her move on without me. It was worse than having Julia die, with Julia I didn't have to worry about watching her move on because she was dead. I just had to deal with seeing her empty desk, not being able to hold, touch, see, or hear her. With Clare I was forced to see her make out with another guy, watch as he holds her in his arms, hear her giggle and laugh at his dumb jokes, and know I can never have that with her again.
"Eli." Clare called, again causing me to look back this time with a slightly pained expression. "Do you want to read over our assignment and correct it?" She asked
"No I trust you." I muttered not wanting to stay around her longer than I had to. "I'm sorry I'm not ready to be friends." I stated sadly. "Maybe someday." I added
"Someday." Clare said in a saddened voice as Jake wrapped his arms around her from behind her.
One month later
I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words
I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words
I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a girl.
The hardest thing for me to do was to watch Clare move on without me and know I will never be with her again, but each day that went by and each time I had to watch them make out my heart slowly, but surely started to heal and I was able to smile again.
"Eli how are you?" I heard and I looked to my side to see Imogen
"Hey." I sighed
"Clare and Jake are still dating." She stated in a saddened voice as we walked into the school.
"I see, they're right there making out by her locker" I stated the obvious "but I'm moving on my heart's finally healing." I stated happily as Imogen wrapped her hand around my waist and lay her head on my shoulder.
"Adam and I are here if you need us." She said as she gave me a side hug.
"Mind if I call you tonight to talk?" I asked looking down at her.
"Of course not." Imogen chirped happily as she removed herself from me and went into her classroom.
I smiled as I walked into English knowing that I still had to see Clare, but now that my heart doesn't hurt as much when I see her making out with Jake I think I'll be ok. I walked into my normal seat and sat down.
"I saw you with Imogen." Clare said
"I'm always with her or Adam." I stated the obvious.
"So are you two dating she looked pretty happy when had her head on your shoulder." Clare said
"We're just friends and speaking of friends are you still waiting for someday?" I asked, I could see Clare's face lighten up.
"Really?" She asked
"Really. I'm ready to be just friends." I smirked genuinely at her.
"Well I'm not doing anything tonight since it's Thursday and Jake's grounded for talking back to his mom. Mind if I call?" She asked
"Hn, I'm actually calling Imogen." I said "How about tomorrow?" I asked
"I'm going over Jake's after school, his mom is letting us hang out there."
"Saturday?" I asked
"Weekend with my dad he's got me booked."
"We'll see what happens." I said as Clare turned around.
I'm not in love
(To be loved, to be loved, everyone wants)
This is not your song
(To be loved, to be loved, everyone wants)
I'm not gonna waste these words
(To be loved, to be loved)
About a girl.
Imogen met me at my locker after school causing me to smirk at her, her long brown hair flowed gently down to her waist "I thought I'd walk you home." She said happily
"And what does one have to do to receive such a reward?" I asked sarcastically.
"Don't get smart with me Elijah." Imogen giggled.
"Elijah?" I asked as I entered in the combo
"I know you hate it, but it jut fit." She shrugged
I played it off. Imogen and I walked out of the school side by side. I seen Clare talking to Jake and she shot me a weak smile and I smirked at her in return as Imogen and I kept walking.
Please review and let me know what you think. If I get enough people wanting me to update I will work on it.