They often say there is no such thing as forever, that no one can love as long and as deep as that. I wouldn't know what words I can use to describe what I feel for you. But there are times that forever are the only word I can think of every time I want to describe what I feel for you, how I feel about you. These words are precious to me; they are my only way for me to express how much you mean to me, of how you complete everything about me. That I am what I am now because of you.
Sometimes I'm amazed that people could really change, that there would be someone in your life that could change you or complete you. You are all of these, Rou and more. You changed and complete me. When I lost touch with you, I thought I could pretend that I didn't care. That I could just forget that I ever know you. But everything around me is a reminder of your existence in my life. As to how much you have such a huge impact to what I am now because I've known you and because you were part of my world.
That huge plant that I couldn't remember the name and we had trouble getting pass customs, but you handled that with ease, smiling that irresistible smile of yours, charming everyone that we even had a free escort to help us bring home that monstrosity that commemorate our union. Those dozens of gadgets that you have in the living room, that until now I couldn't figure out what remote control goes with what gadget, I wanted to watch my favorite anime, I would accidentally turn on the lights or the stereo would start blaring, I'm surprise that you don't have a remote for rain since you got everything.
No one said it's going to be easy. I really wish you've just gone and cheated on me, or got tired and left. Than this unbearable ache inside of me that would take a long time to get over with. I wish I could replace all my feelings with anger and hate. Who knows it might get me out of this rut I am in.
But no, you have to do it this way, you really have to make me suffer and remember you every waking moment of my life. Every nook and cranny of this forsaken house bears your memory, your cologne that still has a faint smell that hangs in the air after a hot bath, your vanity drawer full of all kinds of facial wash and cream anyone would wonder if this drawer is owned by a woman and not a vain man. Those cup noodles, you always insist we buy, I'm not fond of instant food, but here I am stuck with a supply of different flavored noodles that you religiously stack up on every month.
You are the only person I know who's got to have six pillows in bed, plus a body pillow and me to cuddle with. You have such fetish for certain things I sometimes wonder if I fell in love with a different person back then than the person I am living with now. Our answering machine. It's been years now, most people would have moved on by now. But if some of our friends would call us, they would get a chill each time hearing your voice playing on the machine. And they would insist that I change or erase it or they would end up hanging up and not wait for the machine to pick it up.
How could I survive, Rou? How could I move on? I have reenacted that particular day over and over again in my head. I have tried so hard to understand why you did what you did. I couldn't get over the hurt and the anger of that particular time and day that you acted so stupid and selfish. How could you? You were someone I have never expected in my life. Why did you make me feel this way? I never wanted to see you hurting, I wanted to be your comfort, your safe haven and yet, even that you deprive me.
You had so many things yet you have nothing. You have done so much, achieved a lot yet you never have any great memories you wish to keep. You don't even know how it is to cry in front of someone. Or laugh, or smile. Your whole world consists of the four walls of this house, and yet even though I am in it, I was never part of you, or part of your life. And here I thought I was this special to you. I must have been flattering myself from the start since you never did care what I feel and what I think of our relationship. Rou, you are the type who might not even know what your shadow looks like, because you never look down when you walk. All you know is your life and nothing else. You make it a point to make sure I am taken care of if ever you decide to check out without a return ticket to wherever you are going.
You are so selfish, do you know that? Have you ever thought about what I feel? Have you ever consider what I was going to feel if you do this to me? How could you? How could you be so stubborn and selfish? This is not the you that I fell in love with. You are not the same person who had captured my heart at first glance, at first smile.
It was a whirlwind romance and with the same intensity of your coming, you really have to leave the same way. You just got to have your grand exit, you just got to have the drama, such a drama king you are. You always make a big production of things, even the way you show your love is a big production and it made me feel so special, so loved. That for the first time in my life I meant something to someone. That I'm somebody, which someone owns me and I am with someone.
Yet even that, you can't leave behind for me. You just got to take that away too. I never realize that you were suffering. I never realized that you have the world on your shoulder; you kept it all to yourself. And like a big pool and you don't know how to swim, you let yourself sunk to the bottom without calling out to me for help. I wish instead of that pool of loneliness, you drowned yourself into me, I would have saved you, I would have been your life saver. When you were lost, I would have been your beacon. I wish you have trusted me more Rou. I always believe that we make our own fate; I have decided long ago that you are going to be mine.
But how would I have known that you have also decided on your own fate, and it didn't include me? It's been years. I wish I was so old that I would forget. Forget you. But I guess, that would never happen. You will always live in me, live in the crevices of my heart, that like this house, and all your fetish taste, it would be a constant reminder of this one person who had managed to change my life. I know you never planned it to happen this way.
If only I have paid more attention to your needs, I wish I listened much more carefully to your words, I wish I have constantly held on to your hand. I would have saved you. I would have let you know and realized that you are not alone. That you will never ever think of killing yourself.
But like the red crimson of blood in the tub when you slashed your wrist, that was your reality. You have decided without me. You even laid out the clothes you wish to be buried in. Pure white shirt and pants, with matching white shoes. Did you know that animals like humans never leave their mate even if they die? I guess, this is also my so-called fate, I would be destined to be stuck here in suspended limbo with all your memories, and maybe when I reached that certain age, I would finally be with you again like before. It may be months, or years, or an entire lifetime. But I don't know any other worlds except ours; I don't know any other life except yours and mine. So there won't be a me without you. So wait for me. It may take a long while, but I will definitely join you when the right time comes.
The End