A fist full of love :)

After tonight's E4 episode :(

"Come on just ask me, just ask me to stay with you, you know that I will"

I kiss you and at first you're not sure, my forehead is resting against yours and I want you to tell me everything that I've been longing to hear for what seems like forever. But I see something in your eyes and the look on your face tells me that any minute now history will be repeating itself. Only it can't be, everything has changed now and you know who you are at last. To hit me now wouldn't make any sense, it would just be the final nail in the coffin for us and we couldn't come back from that. Please don't do this to me again.

We kiss again more passionately, then you pull away and you look so angry that I don't even notice you drawing back your fist. You don't want to do this to me again, so why am I feeling the force of your fist colliding with my face? The first stab of pain I feel is in my heart and I feel so foolish to have put myself in this situation again. I should have known you were still the same man you were…that you would never be any different and that you will always hurt me.

I believed that you had changed; I even saw the changes myself. You were different, what about the bullets you took for me? I know I'm bleeding because I can smell blood; I can even taste it at the back of my throat and the realization of what you've just done hits me and I can feel the bitter sting of tears in my eyes. I can see the regret straight away, if you can't yet, but for me you have done the best thing, I was stupid to think that you could ever truly love me the way that I love you.

I have put my life on hold for you for the last time and now it's time to say goodbye to you once and for all. I should hate you but I don't, I feel sorry for you, you will never be capable of love…not ever. The thought of leaving this place, of leaving you was slowly killing me inside but with that punch you have given me no other option. You will only ever want me when you think you can't have me, it will always be on your terms and you will always be violent towards me, you can't help yourself.

The force of your punch sends me flying to the floor and the pain I feel is immense, not just physically but emotionally. I want to scream, shout, hit you back but what would be the point…this is just who you are. You haven't hit me for so long, I suppose I thought that those days were over for good, but you reinstated your power by hitting me and I will never give you the chance to do it again. My love for you will go one day and maybe then everything else will fall in to place.

I believed in you, when everyone else thought you were a monster I was there defending your name. When Lynsey died, when Cheryl gave up on you, when you were in hospital…I was there. You broke me in every way a person can be broken but I was still there anyway. Now you've done it again and I know now that I have to stop believing in you. I have to move forward, I have to go to America; I have to at least try. I can love Doug, I know I can, I've just forgotten how to live in a world where you don't exist.

I thought you still cared but I was wrong, I'm so scared to move on but you have hurt me so much and I have no other choice. You will always be my first love, my one true love, but you have just ripped my heart out and I have to accept that maybe we just weren't meant to be. So I leave you in the club and I turn my back on you and this time for good. Some things are best left in the past, you are one of them.

So the decision to move away is simple now. I will move on with Doug and the kids and I will start my new life. I might think of you every now and then, but as the days pass it will get easier, I will think of you less and less until one day I won't think of you at all. I wanted to be with you really I did, you just never gave me the chance. Instead you pushed me away, I'm just sorry I got it so wrong, I thought this new you was too good to be true. The sad thing is I would have given you everything, but now I must let you go…your love hurts.

Wow that kiss :) but the punch :( Please review xx xx xx