The Wizard of Irk
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Hey! I hate my life! But anyway, this is a collaboration between the two INCREDIBLY AWESOME authors BeastieMaker and Chokopoppo!
Yeah! SUCK ON THAT YOU FREAKING-
Anyway! (Beastie, shut up.)
I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!
Then be productive!
Anyway, as you may have noticed by now, we'll be switching this story back and forth. Yay, collaborations!
It's less trouble and it makes things WAY more interesting…Plus I get to screw with Chokopoppo's work~ Ufufufu…~
This isn't exactly a love-child, Beastie.
Debatable.
But regardless of that, I introduce you to…drum roll, please…
No.
Fine. I'll do the drum roll.
THE WIZARD OF IRK!
FEEL THE POWER OF OUR LOVE-CHILD-MONSTER-STORY!
I ALREADY SAID IT WASN'T A LOVE CHILD!
~Scene missing~
The storm crashed. Against the walls of…uh…Zim's house. Or something. Whatever.
Wao. You really kinda suck at this. Just…Stop. Stop sucking. Now.
Psh. I do not suck. And I'll prove it.
The storm was really loud…wait, no.
FUCK IT THERE WAS A STORM.
…That was rather tasteless…How about you start with "The storm wailed against the windows of Zim's house, causing the entire residence to shake and shudder in the gale"?
BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS FUCKING GAY.
…Don't you LIKE yaoi…?
I BAN YOU FROM TALKING FOR THE REST OF THIS CHAPTER.
Anyway.
There was a big ass storm outside.
Not that it bothered Zim. Oh, no. He wasn't terrified of the rain pouring down, causing small pools of drip-water to form all over the floor from the cracks in his badly constructed ceiling. He was fine. Just…fine. Even the strange sound outside that sounded like thousands of his screaming fellow-Irks being slowly tortured to death didn't bother him. In fact, that actually bothered him less than the rain coming through the roof. Which didn't bother him.
It didn't.
The only reason he was even CONSIDERING going to the pathetic residence of The Dib-stink was because GIR was acting REALLY weird. As in, weirder than normal. The small robot was currently on the carpet doing some sort of weird dance on his back, which had to do with flailing his arms and legs and letting out a very un-GIR-like noise. If any other robot had acted like this, Zim would have dismissed it as being an ordinary malfunction, nothing more, nothing less. With GIR, however, you could never tell what was a malfunction, and what was something really wrong happening. Though he would never admit it, even under the cruelest of tortures, GIR was the closest thing he had to what the pathetic dirt-hyoomans called a 'family'. Which was why the strange behavior was really starting to bother Zim.
Ah, fuck it. It had started bothering Zim a few minutes ago, and now it was sending him into hysterics.
The worst part was that there was NOTHING wrong with GIR as far as the mechanics were concerned. Everything in GIR was working with perfect function. What was worrisome was that there was still something clearly wrong with the little robot, something that did not please Zim at all. The only thing that COULD be wrong was…well, the A.I. If the A.I. was broken, and wasn't fixed soon, GIR may very well not get any better.
Ever.
So Zim stared out into the storm that he wasn't frightened of(at all), and realized that he HAD to go to the house of The Dib-smell. If he'd had a nose, he would have wrinkled it. Just for comedic effect, of course. Not because he was frightened of the rain. AT ALL. Despite the fact, he couldn't stop trembling as he stared out into the water. No, he wasn't trembling. He was…shivering. Because…ehm…the heat had shut off. Which made him shiver. Yeeaah…
Zim scooped GIR up in one arm and felt the robot attempt to struggle out. Not that it would work. After all, he was ZIM, full of amazingness and glory! No amount of water could destroy him!
Which was why he chose the traditional 'Run-through-the-rain-screaming-with-your-arms-waving-over-your-head' method.
~!~
Dib stared out the window of his room perplexed. In front of his house, Zim was running back and forth yelling something. Actually, from the fact that he was in the rain, it was probably screaming. He wasn't sure what the 'in front of his house' was all about, but that was revealed when the alien suddenly came towards the house and hid under the small shelter by the door. Dib was downstairs in an instant, sleep-cuffs in his hand.
He was prepared this time! Zim would finally be dissected, and he'd be recognized and…
Dib was shoved backwards into his house as soon as he opened the door and Zim pushed his way in.
"What the hell, Zim?"
Zim was still steaming from his most recent, unfortunate encounter with rain. "I don't have time for your whatevers, pathetic worm-baby. Zim has very important things to do. So many things…"
"In my house?"
Zim, who had been very wrapped up in himself for a moment, blinked and looked at Dib, as though he'd forgotten the boy was there. "What?"
"My house, Zim. You're in my house. Now GET OUT!" Dib forgot about the sleep-cuffs. He just wanted the alien out of the house before it could be infiltrated and…have intelligence stolen from it. Or…whatever Zim would do. But Zim didn't make a move to attack Dib. He raised his hands up, palms forward, as though a gun had been put to his head. Dib smiled.
Right until Gaz shoved him out of the way.
"Zim, what's wrong with your stupid dog-robot-whatever?" She pointed an accusing finger at the spasming creature who Zim had dropped on the floor, something Dib had failed to notice.
Zim felt his tongue tie itself in a knot, literally. By the time he'd gotten it un-knotted, Gaz was looking seriously pissed at not being answered by now. "Well?"
The Irken gave a nervous smile. "His…his A.I. is…not in it's best…I mean…"
"You broke it." She stated simply.
"Uh, yeah, and, well…"
"And you're here because you think we can help you fix it."
"I never said that!"
"But that is why you're here, isn't it?"
Zim hung his head in shame. He had been bested by The Gaz-worm-baby. "…Yes."
Gaz shrugged. "Sure. We'll help." She turned to Dib. "Dib, you're helping." There was nothing in her voice that let Dib say anything against it. Then she walked over, grabbed the little robot, and pulled it down to the basement, ignoring it's very not-GIR-like shrieks and screams. Zim followed, as though genuinely worried about the little robot. But Dib was not to be fooled. This was some ploy. A ploy Zim had figured would work because his sister liked GIR, or, at least, didn't completely despise it with all the passion of a thousand burning (to-be-mega-nova) suns. And so he was wary.
Yes, very wary.
~!~
GIR was strapped down to a hard, metal table in Dr. Membrane's lab. Dib, Gaz, and Zim crowded around it. Gaz was, as usual, the one to break the worried, awkward silence.
"So what's wrong with him, exactly?"
Zim shook his head. "I don't know. Everything's all right with his system. But the A.I. is messed up, and I can't figure out why!"
"This is GIR we're talking about. Your creepy sidekick, remember? Since when is this weird behavior?" Dib suddenly had two pairs of very angry eyes on him. He shrank. "OK, so the behavior is a little weird, even for this guy."
Zim nodded. "That's what bothers me the most. GIR is just as far gone from 'normal' as you can go, yet he is even more 'not normal' than before. I'm…" Zim couldn't make himself say 'worried', so he changed the sentence. "…annoyed that he is acting strangely…Oh, for Irk's…!"
GIR had gone dim, his struggles coming to a sudden, disquieting halt. Gaz and Dib watched with mild interest as Zim, who had always been calm before, had a panic attack. "GIR! GIR! I order you to respond! Come on, GIR! Obey your master! Get up and become pest-like! GIR! GIR! GIR…"
It wasn't just harshness, which surprised Dib the most. There appeared to be actual concern hidden in Zim's voice, which made itself more and more apparent as Zim's little attack continued, right until Zim just about broke down. His little body was shaking from some sort of emotion that Dib couldn't place. For a human, he would have put it down as despair, but as far as he could tell, from four years of fighting the alien, Zim couldn't feel despair.
That was probably why he was so confused.
Gaz was the only one who seemed slightly in control. She proved this by splashing her soda on Zim, then kicking Dib in the shins. With Zim screaming and clawing at his face, rolling on the ground, and Dib rubbing his wounded shin, jumping up and down and repeating 'ow-ow-ow' over and over, Gaz took the opportunity to speak.
"OK, stupid and stupider. I don't know the first thing about A.I., so I can't do this by myself. You idiots have to do it, and I'll just make sure you don't kill each other doing it." Gaz crossed her arms and tapped her foot. Zim got to his feet, moaning pitifully, and Dib eased weight onto his leg. The two exchanged a glance, and, glaring at each other, began to work.
Meanwhile, GIR's (normal) strangely warped A.I. was somewhere else.
Ha! I have TACT!
…Myes, and I have male genetalia….Listen, that was simply wretched. I've found better things in my bloody RP forums…Things posted by small children and inanimate objects.
Oh yeah? OH YEAH?! Well, maybe you should try writing an entire chapter BY YOURSELF, then, huh? THEN WE'LL SEE WHO'S THE TOUGH GUY!
…Female. As illustrated above. Do you never pay attention? And maybe I will write the next chapter simply to prove you wrong, eh? How would you take that, Ms. Mighter-Than-Thou?
YOU CAN STILL BE A TOUGH GUY EVEN WHEN BEING A BITCH.
But because I LIKE YOU SO MUCH, I'll LET you write the next chapter. DON'T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN IT'S TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!
…I will take that into account, oh woman of a thousand screams.
INVADER ZIM DOESN'T BELONG TO EITHER OF US, SAD TO SAY.