Hermione's Secret
I've been covering up for you all year, you know. I've been watching you. I think I've been thinking about you almost as long. I suppose I have a crush on you, but that makes it sound like the stupid thing with Gilderoy Lockhart last year, and that's not it at all, at all. It's different. I I care for you.
Oh, don't laugh, please don't laugh - no, I know you wouldn't laugh. You'd take me seriously if I told you this. You always take me seriously, you take all of us seriously. That's why we all love you, you know. Because you listen to what we have to say and give it the same weight as if we were adults.
I don't know what you'd say, though. Maybe you'd look uncomfortable, or maybe you'd look sad. But you don't need to look sad, it's alright. I understand. That's what I meant about covering up for you. Not the werewolf thing. You've got that down to an art, I think: I'd never have guessed if I hadn't had to write that essay. I really did think the Boggart was a crystal ball, when Lavender said so - after all, didn't you run away from Professor Trelawney every time she came near? I thought you were afraid of the future.
You see, I was watching you. I don't know how I found time, with doing my classes over and over. Well, but I do know. I didn't find it; I made it. I can't imagine what Professor McGonagall would do to me if she knew I'd been Turning back little corners of time to hide around corners and watch you.
I found out where you sleep eventually, though it took long enough for a chance to borrow Harry's cloak without him knowing. I stood outside your door one full moon. I wondered what you'd do if I went in and sat with you; I knew what the potion must be that you drank every month, so I knew you wouldn't hurt me. But I didn't have the nerve.
No, I never had to cover up what you were. But I saw other things. I saw how you'd sag sometimes when everyone had left the room: how you loved teaching so much and yet there was something haunting you. I saw you, the day after the attack on the Fat Lady. You looked like you hadn't slept a wink. I started to guess, then. I worked out how old you were. You must have been at school with Black, I realised, and with Harry's dad, and Snape.
I heard you say his name, once. So quietly. I had stopped outside the classroom to use the Time Turner, waiting for the others to go ahead. I glanced inside, and you were standing very straight and very still, looking out of the window at the waxing moon. I remember thinking what a crime it was that the full moon could never shine on your face the way her younger sister was trying now. Your eyes were closed and you breathed out slowly - and you breathed his name on the sigh.
"Sirius."
I saw other things. The way your eyes became guarded if he was mentioned. The way you watched Harry. Sometimes you looked as if you were watching someone you'd known once but didn't quite recognise now; sometimes you looked like you expected him to fall down a hole right in front of you.
I never even suspected you, do you know that? It's stupid really. I'm not so clever after all. I was so sure I knew you, you see. I thought I understood. You'd loved him once - and oh, I know it's a silly teenaged girl thing, but it sent a shiver through me to think of that - that you had loved him, and loved him enough even now to whisper his name to the moonlight. I thought I knew what was in your heart: you'd been betrayed by him just as much as Harry. You knew he was here, and you were so afraid that if you saw him you wouldn't be able to make yourself hate him.
I wanted to tell Harry. I didn't. It wasn't my secret. But I wish now I had. I was so stupid.
Because you walked in here and took our wands, and now he's in your arms. And this doesn't make me shiver - it makes me cold and sick inside, and any second now, I'm going to scream.
I've been hiding it for you. Making sure they never guessed that you're in love with Sirius Black. And I was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I don't know you at all. You're not trying to get over him. You've been helping him all along.
"I DON'T BELIEVE IT!"
I've been covering up for you all year, you know. I've been watching you. I think I've been thinking about you almost as long. I suppose I have a crush on you, but that makes it sound like the stupid thing with Gilderoy Lockhart last year, and that's not it at all, at all. It's different. I I care for you.
Oh, don't laugh, please don't laugh - no, I know you wouldn't laugh. You'd take me seriously if I told you this. You always take me seriously, you take all of us seriously. That's why we all love you, you know. Because you listen to what we have to say and give it the same weight as if we were adults.
I don't know what you'd say, though. Maybe you'd look uncomfortable, or maybe you'd look sad. But you don't need to look sad, it's alright. I understand. That's what I meant about covering up for you. Not the werewolf thing. You've got that down to an art, I think: I'd never have guessed if I hadn't had to write that essay. I really did think the Boggart was a crystal ball, when Lavender said so - after all, didn't you run away from Professor Trelawney every time she came near? I thought you were afraid of the future.
You see, I was watching you. I don't know how I found time, with doing my classes over and over. Well, but I do know. I didn't find it; I made it. I can't imagine what Professor McGonagall would do to me if she knew I'd been Turning back little corners of time to hide around corners and watch you.
I found out where you sleep eventually, though it took long enough for a chance to borrow Harry's cloak without him knowing. I stood outside your door one full moon. I wondered what you'd do if I went in and sat with you; I knew what the potion must be that you drank every month, so I knew you wouldn't hurt me. But I didn't have the nerve.
No, I never had to cover up what you were. But I saw other things. I saw how you'd sag sometimes when everyone had left the room: how you loved teaching so much and yet there was something haunting you. I saw you, the day after the attack on the Fat Lady. You looked like you hadn't slept a wink. I started to guess, then. I worked out how old you were. You must have been at school with Black, I realised, and with Harry's dad, and Snape.
I heard you say his name, once. So quietly. I had stopped outside the classroom to use the Time Turner, waiting for the others to go ahead. I glanced inside, and you were standing very straight and very still, looking out of the window at the waxing moon. I remember thinking what a crime it was that the full moon could never shine on your face the way her younger sister was trying now. Your eyes were closed and you breathed out slowly - and you breathed his name on the sigh.
"Sirius."
I saw other things. The way your eyes became guarded if he was mentioned. The way you watched Harry. Sometimes you looked as if you were watching someone you'd known once but didn't quite recognise now; sometimes you looked like you expected him to fall down a hole right in front of you.
I never even suspected you, do you know that? It's stupid really. I'm not so clever after all. I was so sure I knew you, you see. I thought I understood. You'd loved him once - and oh, I know it's a silly teenaged girl thing, but it sent a shiver through me to think of that - that you had loved him, and loved him enough even now to whisper his name to the moonlight. I thought I knew what was in your heart: you'd been betrayed by him just as much as Harry. You knew he was here, and you were so afraid that if you saw him you wouldn't be able to make yourself hate him.
I wanted to tell Harry. I didn't. It wasn't my secret. But I wish now I had. I was so stupid.
Because you walked in here and took our wands, and now he's in your arms. And this doesn't make me shiver - it makes me cold and sick inside, and any second now, I'm going to scream.
I've been hiding it for you. Making sure they never guessed that you're in love with Sirius Black. And I was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I don't know you at all. You're not trying to get over him. You've been helping him all along.
"I DON'T BELIEVE IT!"