She stared at herself in the mirror. Pale, sunken skin and dull eyes stared back at her. This, she was convinced, was not her face. It was not the person she'd come to be. "I'm not afraid," she whispered, so softly she could barely hear herself. It was a lie, she knew that. She was terrified beyond belief. But she couldn't show that, because then she'd fall apart and there wouldn't be anyone there to pick her up. "I'm not afraid,"
Odessa Perkins nodded slightly and left the bathroom. She was going to be just fine as long as she kept her head down. She could have a peaceful year, and when the next year started, no one would notice her absence. Her only friend had abandoned her over the summer, to spend more of his time chasing after a girl that didn't love him. Odessa had never been a big fan of Lily Evans. She'd been the one to grow up next door to Severus, and they'd been inseparable for years. Odessa thought of him as a brother who she could run to when her father got drunk and chucked bottles around the house. He was someone she could go to when her mother told her that she would never accomplish her dreams. But then he'd met perfect little Lily Evans playing at the park. Severus had remained her friend, but they'd been distant for years. His explosion at the other girl convinced him he needed to spend every waking minute trying to get her to accept his apology. That left no time for Odessa.
When she found out she was sick, he'd been the first person she wanted to tell. She'd wanted to run to him and cry into his shoulder, like she'd done when her father disappeared for an entire week. She'd wanted him to tell her that everything would be okay. Her parents were either drunk or on drugs, so they wouldn't care that she was dying. Severus was supposed to be her person, but then he'd left to.
For the first few days, she'd been miserable. She'd laid on her bed and cried and tried to drown her sorrows like her father, with a not-so-healthy serving of Firewhiskey. That, of course, hadn't worked. She'd felt the pain as real as she'd felt it before, but she'd also wanted to throw up. Odessa had sworn off alcohol after that. Besides, according to the healers at St. Mungos, it could have terrible side effects on their desperate potions. There was no cure for what she had. How could there be a cure for something like that? The cells of her body were dying, one by one, and little by little. She was supposed to have just over ten months left until the damage was so severe it couldn't be helped anymore. She would die, and it would be painful, and she would be alone.
"I'm not afraid,"
With a resigned sigh, she made herself walk back to her sparse compartment. She shared it with the other misfits, though they were all friends by now so really it was just her. She was the misfit; the friendless girl who was going to die alone in less than a year. She'd only be seventeen. Odessa read a book for the duration of the train ride. She needed to do something to keep her mind off things, and the others whispering together in her compartment weren't helping. In all fairness, she'd been there first so it should have been hers and it should have been quiet.
On the bright side, being a Ravenclaw meant that she could get away with having no friends. People would assume she was busy working on some amazing project, and they would leave her alone so she could continue researching. Ravenclaws, she knew, were often alone for that reason. Apparently being intelligent and creative meant they always needed to be doing something. Odessa could just as likely be caught chatting with friends, though not really anymore.
Dinner that night was lonely. Brand new first years came to sit by her, much to her displeasure, and Odessa's head started to pound by the time the meal was over. She had to report to Madam Pomfrey after, to get potions to slow the deterioration of her body, though the potion tasted like feet and Odessa wanted to spit it out. She couldn't, though, because she didn't want to die and she wanted to get as much time as possible. She needed more time.
Her sleep was wracked with dreams of a funeral no one would attend. Her father would be too drunk, and her mother wouldn't remember to come. Severus would be chasing after Lily Evans and she didn't have any other close relatives. Her grandparents had all died before she was born, and her aunts and uncles considered themselves too high and mighty to speak to her family. Odessa could understand why; her parents were embarrassments. But she loved them. They were her family and she could remember a time, when she was younger, when they were all sober and they would take her to the park or paint or have picnics. She remembered those parents, and those parents were the reason she couldn't tell them she was sick.
When she woke up the next morning, it was to the insistent tapping of someone on her bedpost. "Oddy? Oddy please, are you in there? Papa says I can't go to breakfast without you now that we're in the same house,"
Odessa groaned and contemplated throwing a pillow at the young girl standing by her bed. The girl lived in her building; Odessa had watched her countless times. Theresa, who was young and smart and healthy, had officially entered her first year at Hogwarts and, of course, been sorted into Ravenclaw. Odessa suspected the girl had asked the hat to put her there, because in Odessa's opinion, Theresa would make the perfect Hufflepuff. "I don't need to watch you at breakfast, Terry," Odessa complained. "The castle is safe,"
"But Papa said I can't go without you. He says you'll make sure I make the right friends and I don't get into trouble," Theresa said. Odessa could hear her lip quivering; was she honestly going to cry over this?
"Okay, okay, I'm getting up. Go wait for me in the common room; I'll be down soon,"
Footsteps scurried away from her bed and then the door closed. Odessa heaved herself out of bed, groaning again as she did. As per usual, her limbs ached with movement. More of her was dying off, yet she had to go to the Great Hall and escort a nervous eleven year-old to breakfast. It was going to be a long year.
She went to the bathroom to change, trying to ignore the bruising on her pale skin. She bruised easily now; a bump would have a dark spot forming in minutes. For a moment, she was envious of Theresa. Her skin was a rich brown; it surely wouldn't show the bruises. It wouldn't be sick and dying like her own.
Odessa exited the bathroom with her teeth and hair brushed, fresh robes, and a slightly less sour attitude. She wasn't exactly thrilled with her current situation, but she would live. For now, at least, she would be alive. Give it a few months and she might not be saying the same thing.
Theresa was waiting for her nervously on one of the sofas. Her robes were perfect and clean, and her blue tie was somehow knotted perfectly. Odessa hadn't figured out her tie for at least three years, and even now she wore the thing loose around her neck. "Okay, are you ready?" she asked, and Theresa perked up immediately and nodded.
"Papa says I can't be afraid. He says I'm too scared and that's why I wouldn't be a Gryffindor, like him," Theresa said innocently.
Odessa just sighed and shook her head. "Don't listen to him, Theresa," she said, putting an arm around the younger girl's shoulders and leading her out of the common room. "You're plenty brave. You're just too smart to go anywhere else,"
Theresa beamed at her, and Odessa couldn't help but smile back. Yes, she was somehow jealous of the eleven year-old and Theresa could be irritating, but she was Theresa. Odessa had known her for eleven years and was going to take some responsibility for the girl. "Oddy? Do you think people will like me? The other Ravenclaws?"
"I mean, talking to them could be a good start," Odessa said, leading her toward the great hall. Theresa had nearly turned into the Charms corridor. "Which means less me and more strangers,"
"But I don't like strangers. They're...Mean. They're not like you,"
"Yeah, well, strangers are how you make friends,"
"Can't I just be friends with your friends?" Theresa begged softly.
"I...I don't have any friends, Theresa. So no, I wouldn't recommend that,"
"But I'm your friend,"
"I don't have any other friends then," Odessa said. They entered the great hall, which was now full of laughter and groaning as people got their schedules for the year. "Theresa, you don't want to be like me. How about you go ask a Ravenclaw girl if you can sit with her? One of the other first years; was there anyone that looked nice?"
Theresa nodded nervously, so Odessa gave her a small push toward the Ravenclaw table. She watched as Theresa stood awkwardly next to one of the girls, but then Theresa grinned and sat down. She waved excitedly at Odessa, who just grinned and shook her head and headed to get her schedule from her head of house. Her first class was transfiguration, which worried her because Professor McGonagall was incredibly strict and Odessa wasn't sure she could handle a strict class. She was tired already and she didn't even have homework yet.
Odessa turned around and began to walk out of the great hall, head down and examining her schedule. It wasn't really that bad, she just wished she didn't have to deal with transfiguration. It was going to be too much for her. As she walked out of the door though, she ran into someone else and found herself on the ground. "For Merlin's sake, you're a sixth year. Watch where you're going,"
Odessa, who was staring up at four Gryffindor boys, felt herself flush and glare. Remus Lupin was staring at her in a way she didn't like. Peter Pettigrew looked ready to back up whatever the other two said. James Potter was the one convinced she couldn't walk properly around the castle and Sirius Black looked amused that she'd fallen down. "You should know by now to look for people who aren't paying attention. Fresh first years are here; they're going to be frantically looking at their schedules," Odessa retorted, managing to slowly get herself off the ground. Her backside hurt from the fall and she knew she'd be black and blue.
"Are you okay?"
Odessa glanced at Remus Lupin, upset that his group had made her fall. "I'm fine, not that it matters. Just watch out for first years,"
She squeezed herself through James and Sirius, though it wasn't much of a squeeze. She was too thin and too hurried to make herself seem bigger. She didn't have anything to do other than go to class, which is how she found herself sitting in Professor McGonagall's room a good half hour before class actually started.
For at least fifteen of those minutes, Odessa was convinced that the professor sitting in the front of the room didn't notice her. She was quietly sitting in her chair and reading, and though she shifted every now and then because of the ache in her back, she hardly made any noise. Then, however, the woman's voice filled the room. "Mrs. Perkins, may I ask why you're sitting in my room so early? You can't honestly be that excited for the start of school, can you?"
Odessa looked up, surprised to be addressed. "I...I didn't have anything better to do, Professor," she answered quietly. "Am I disturbing you? I can sit outside,"
"I just assume most students try to spend as much time with their friends as possible," Professor McGonagall said.
"I'm...I've had a...a falling out with my friend, Professor. I'd rather not talk about it,"
"And the illness doesn't have anything to do with this?"
Odessa's head snapped up and she looked at Professor McGonagall in shock. "How...How do you know about that?"
"Every professor knows," Professor McGonagall answered. "We needed to, in order to accurately care for you should anything happen during our class,"
"You mean in case I drop dead one of these days? Trust me, Professor, I would much rather do that in my own bed. If I feel like I'm going to die I'll have the courtesy not to do it in your class,"
"Miss Perkins, that's not what I meant,"
"Excuse my tone, Professor. But I would very much like to get back to my book,"
Professor McGonagall waved her hand to okay it, and Odessa went back to reading. She hated the fact that her professors knew what was happening to her, because that meant they would look at her differently.
Other students began pouring into the classroom after ten more minutes. Odessa pushed her brown hair out of her eyes and forced herself to sit up straight in her chair. She was not going to look weak; she was going to be the best in the entire class and nothing could convince her otherwise.
Of course the only thing they did that day was take notes over an upcoming lesson. Odessa eventually slumped back in her seat and begrudgingly took note like the rest of her classmates. She could hear the four Gryffindor boys laughing quietly at the pauses, which was irritating, but she was used to it enough by now that it didn't present a huge problem for her. The boys had been laughing through classes for years at that point, so of course there wouldn't be any difference now.
As she got up to leave class, someone put their hand on her shoulder. "Perkins,"
Her skin went cold as Severus Snape said her name. "Get off me," she said quietly. "Now,"
"I'm making progress with Lily," he said.
"Oh, that's great. You left me alone to chase after her. Remind me why I care about your progress with her?"
"You should be happy for me," he pouted.
"Happy for you? Right, remind me to take the time to be happy for you. I have a million things to deal with, but let me be happy for the friend that abandoned me!" Odessa said, shoving his arm away from her. She didn't want to deal with Severus Snape, at least not now.
Before he could respond, Odessa made sure to walk purposefully away from him. She went to Care of Magical Creatures then, which meant she would get to escape Severus Snape for a while longer. She missed him, of course, but there was no way she was going to be friends with him again. He was, in her humble opinion, a complete and total ass.
When lunch came along she realized that she hadn't eaten breakfast, and went to the great hall in order to actually eat a meal. To her surprise, Theresa took a seat next to her and started to talk about her day. She'd had an amazing one, apparently, and that made Odessa smile. She was happy that Theresa was happy, and maybe even a bit jealous as well. She wished she could be happy as well, but she was making a things okay again, slowly. She was being nice to Theresa. That had to be a start.
And that evening, at dinner, Odessa was shocked to find other people sitting down around her. One of the kinder girls in her year, Leila Brown, sat herself down on Odessa's left. "I heard you and Snape arguing as I left class this morning," Leila explained. Odessa just stared at her. The two girls had been friendly toward each other, but they weren't really friends. Leila was sweet and got along with the entire castle. She had friends everywhere and Odessa wasn't one of them. "I had a bit of a falling out with my best friend over the summer, too,"
"Oh, I'm...I'm sorry," Odessa said awkwardly, not quite sure what else she could say.
"Don't worry about it. It was her fault, not mine. I suppose when you put guys over your friends, drifting tends to happen. Mary Nelson, well, she's quite in love with Evan Rosier. Anyway, I figure both of us are starting this year out alone. And seeing as we share a dormitory and quite a few classes, we should be around for each other. I've always liked you, Odessa. You were just...so caught up with your other friends that I didn't think it mattered if you had me or not,"
"My friend was always caught up with Lily Evans. I didn't see things the way you did; I thought...Merlin, I thought he at least valued me," Odessa admitted quietly. She hated doing it, but Leila Brown could get any secret out of you. She was just that kind. And she didn't use the secrets for anything bad; she just tried to help things get better or she kept them covered up.
After dinner she returned to the hospital wing, but she was in better spirits than she had been before. Leila Brown wanted to make sure she wasn't alone, so Odessa wouldn't have to spend her last year on earth sulking and lonely. And Severus hadn't bothered to come up to her again, which was a relief. She didn't have the energy to argue with him again. They'd lived near each other and been friends for years, but if she was easy to drop then she would be sure he was too.
When she fell asleep she didn't think about being sick. Instead, she drifted off with the content feeling that this year, things could actually be okay. She would get a good last year. She could die peacefully in her bed with a friend by her side, and maybe even Theresa too. Things would be okay.
At least, that was her assumption.