The Uchiha Guide to Population Control
by aishuu
Uchiha Sasuke had a strict view on how his life should go, and every time his well-laid plans were upset, he went a little crazy. And since plans rarely had a way of working out perfectly, it's safe to say that the last Uchiha was out-and-out insane.
But he really wasn't thinking about that at the moment, since he had his hands up Haruno Sakura's shirt. She had small breasts, but they fit into his hands well. He squeezed lightly, evoking a moan of approval from Sakura, who wiggled delightfully as she pressed more herself more closely against him.
They were eighteen years old and still virgins; for shinobi culture, that was remarkable. Sasuke couldn't wait to de-virginize his girlfriend, and from the panted demands Sakura was making, she couldn't, either.
She was an assertive woman, and wasn't about to sit still and let him do all the work. Sasuke grunted in appreciation as she reached down into his pants and fondled him. She stroked him again, and while it felt nice, there was still no physical response.
Sasuke, who'd been occupied with nibbling on her neck, rubbed against her hand again as a bit of concern started to prey at him.
She rubbed her thumb over the soft head of his cock, but wasn't rewarded with anything. Sakura looked at him with dawning realization as she figured out what wasn't happening.
Sasuke wished the floor would open up and swallow him whole. He'd heard stories about guys who had problems getting an erection, but he'd never figured he'd be one of them.
"Fuck," Sasuke said.
"That's exactly what we're not doing," Sakura replied grimly.
It took him fifteen minutes to calm Sakura down and plead his case. Yes, he found her attractive. Yes, he wanted to have wild monkey sex with her. No, he was not secretly suppressing his homosexuality. No, he wasn't really in love with Karin. No, he hadn't been kicked in the balls recently.
Getting dragged into Konoha's hospital was not how Sasuke had planned on spending the night, but it was either agree to a physical or get sent to the hospital through the emergency room. Sakura had graduated from only beating Naruto to punching the snot out of anyone who annoyed her. Sasuke had collected his own fair share of bruises after pissing her off, and he preferred to avoid adding to that collection if possible. A small part of Sasuke wondered if he'd end up as a battered spouse.
Sakura didn't say anything to the staff currently on duty, and they were smart enough not to ask her what she was doing there during her off hours. It was humiliating for Sasuke to follow her into an examination room, but it was better than the alternative.
"Sit," she said, gesturing to the examination table "If there's something physically wrong with you, I'm going to fix it."
And if there isn't, I'm going to fix you, was the unvoiced addendum.
Sasuke sat silently on the table as Sakura did her thing. He might have been a genius ninja, but he wasn't an expert in medical ninjutsu. His job was about inflicting damage, not fixing it. He didn't have a clue what Sakura was doing, except that it involved a lot of strange-looking diagnostic equipment, some of her glowing chakra, and a couple of blood tests.
Sakura was getting a bit of revenge by choosing the biggest needles, he thought as he rubbed his arm. She hadn't even bothered to heal the puncture wound, instead slapping a smiley-face band aid on it. Sasuke knew better than to complain, though.
At last she stopped in front of him, frowning. "I don't get it!" she exclaimed. "Your circulation is fine, but you're not responding to external sexual stimulus!"
Sasuke squirmed a bit in his seat. "Maybe we're not doing it right?" he offered lamely.
"You're an eighteen-year-old male. Watching paint dry should be enough to give you a stiffy, much less getting a hand job." In spite of her harsh words, she looked thoughtful. "I suppose we could try something else."
Before he had a chance to ask what the "something else" might be, Sakura had his pants unzipped and was kneeling in front of him. While Sasuke had entertained a "naughty nurse" fantasy or two about Sakura, getting blown in one of the hospital's exam rooms hadn't ever seriously crossed his mind.
And there was nothing. Little Sasuke didn't even tingle, let alone twitch, despite being in the warm, wet mouth of a willing woman.
Uchiha Sasuke just couldn't get it up.
Tsunade was seated behind her desk bright and early the next morning. Well, early for her, and on time for everyone else. Shizune had bribed her with a promised full weekend off if she worked her full scheduled hours.
That didn't mean she was happy about the situation. When the door swung open without a knock, she lifted her head to growl at the intruder, while her fingers twitched with the urge to throw the desk. But as soon as she saw Haruno Sakura standing there, she stilled, sensing something was wrong.
Sakura looked horrible, with circles under her eyes and slightly-messy hair. She was wearing yesterday's clothing, and her expression was annoyed and worried.
"Can I ask for a quick consult on a medical situation?"
Tsunade nodded, letting Sakura explain what had happened the previous evening. While it was tempting to laugh at the idea of the last Uchiha being impotent, she had too much sympathy for Sakura to do so. She'd once been young and horny herself, and having a lover fail to find her attractive was both frustrating and degrading. Not that Tsunade had ever had it happen, but she could imagine.
Sakura was hiding it well, but she had to be wondering if the problem wasn't with Sasuke. Tsunade knew it couldn't be; Sakura was the only female Sasuke had ever acknowledged, and it didn't take a Hokage to figure out they were a good couple. If Sasuke was having performance issues, it wasn't about Sakura.
Or was it? Something about the situation nagged as familiar at the back at the back of her mind. She frowned, trying to dredge up the memory.
Sakura had delivered the medical report with clinical professionalism, but now was starting to ramble as she verged on a nervous breakdown.
"And then he said we might be doing it wrong, but it's not like I've ever done it before, so how am I to know if I'm giving a blow-job right? It's just sucking and licking, how hard can it be?" she babbled.
This was a bit more than Tsunade wanted to know about her apprentice's sex life. She tuned Sakura's babble out – there was no way she was going to give pointers – and considered the problem.
Tsunade remembered way back in the day, before she met Dan, she'd tried to seduced Uchiha Ryou, and failed. The man had been as good-looking as all the Uchiha clan were, and she'd decided to have a quick, no-strings attached tumble with the man.
Only to be turned down, flat. To this day, Ryou was the only man who'd ever been able to resist her. She'd sulked for a week, until Koharu had explained...
Ah. That would be why.
"It's because he's an Uchiha," Tsunade said as she finally realized what was wrong. "Who was Sasuke's first kiss?"
"I'm the first person he kissed," Sakura said, not understanding where Tsunade's questioning was leading.
"Really? I seem to remember a story about him and Naruto..."
"That doesn't count!" Sakura protested. "It wasn't really a kiss, more like an accidental bump."
"Apparently it does," Tsunade said. "I suggest you have lover-boy bring out his family records if you ever want to have more than a cerebral relationship."
"What does a first kiss have to do with his inability to get an erection?! It didn't turn him gay, did it? He swore he wasn't gay...."
Tsunade broke out into giggles. It was undignified for a woman of her age and position, but the situation was just too amusing. "You need to talk to Uchiha," Tsunade said, before cracking up again.
Sakura glared at her smirking mentor, but decided against saying anything. Tsunade, for once it her life, held the better hand.
Sasuke didn't like surprises, because in his experience, surprises were not good things. The biggest surprises of his life – Itachi slaughtering their clan, Orochimaru showing up in the Forest of Death, Naruto possessing the Kyuubi – had all been physically painful for him. No one could blame him for not liking surprises.
When a fuming Sakura knocked on his door the next morning about ten o'clock, he was tired and cranky. He hadn't had much sleep after his humiliating "date" with Sakura. Hearing her pound on the door was like hearing the opening beats of his own funeral dirge.
For a second, he considered escaping through the back and climbing out of the window where she wouldn't find him. She had a key to his place – part of the conditions of his probation were unfettered access to his residence for his teammates – and wouldn't be deterred if he didn't open the door. Running away wouldn't be too cowardly, in light of his current predicament.
But if he did run away, Sakura would only have more time to seethe. Reluctantly, he opened the door, thoughtfully stepping aside so she didn't plow him over in her haste to get in.
She reached out with a quick hand, grabbing him by the collar. He could have dodged it, but right now he was so deep in the doghouse with her that he didn't dare do anything that might set her off. "Where are your family records?" she demanded.
He blinked, not expecting the question. "Which ones? There's several libraries regarding different matters scattered throughout the compound."
She gnawed on her lip. "Do you have anything about your medical history?"
"Of course we do," he said, starting to feel irritated himself. "You don't think it has something to do with the Sharingan, do you?"
She shrugged, her fingers relaxing a bit, although she didn't release his shirt. "Tsunade-shishou implied that your family background was involved in why..." she blushed, dropping her eyes. "She said it was because you were an Uchiha."
Last night had been one of the worst of his life, but today was starting to contend. "You told Tsunade?!"
"I asked for a medical consult!"
"Isn't that violating doctor/patient confidentiality?"
"Not when it's in your own best interests! If you can't get an erection, there's no way you'll ever repopulate your clan."
Sasuke had had enough of this. Raising a hand, he caught Sakura by the wrist and gently pulled on it, indicating he'd like to be let go. Her grip uncurled slowly, and he lowered their hands to his side. "Do you think I don't know that? But I'd prefer if half of Konoha wasn't made aware of the issue."
"It's just Tsunade!" Sakura protested.
"And from her, it'll go to Shizune, and then to that loud-mouth Genma, who will tell all of Konoha," Sasuke growled. The idea of certain people (Naruto!) hearing about his inability made him want to kill something. Or himself. Maybe re-enacting the Uchiha massacre on the entire village wasn't such a bad idea.
"So let me at your family records, and maybe we can make it a non-issue!" Sakura shot back. "I promise I'll tell Ino how good you are, and that should counter any of Genma's gossip!"
At times like this, Sasuke regretted ever coming back to Konoha. Maybe Kumo would like to add his bloodline to their ranks.
They finally located the medical records in the former home of the clan's now-deceased animal control officer. Sakura didn't see the logic, but she'd always suspected the Uchiha clan's logic did not resemble earth logic at all.
After digging through the dusty building, Sasuke produced three boxes which contained the clan's family tree and a detailed listing of its breeding program. Sakura knew the clan usually married within itself (and would have blamed Itachi's insanity on inbreeding if it didn't imply her perfect Sasuke would suffer from the same issues), but she hadn't realized they'd been doing it for over a century.
Sakura made him drag all three boxes back to his residence, claiming it would be more practical to get into a more comfortable environment. Privately, she hoped they might find a quick fix in the medical records, and wanted to be close to a bed.
A quick wind jutsu from Sasuke (which he refused to admit he'd copied off Naruto) brushed the dust aside, and they settled down and cracked open the scrolls. The scrolls ranged on everything from the all-important Sharingan to ensuring the clan's perfect facial features bred true. An ugly Uchiha was not a possibility, which the clan claimed was due to prime genetics. Never mind the pond out back they used to drown babies that didn't pass a strict test for looks.
They were well into the second box when Sakura finally found what she was looking for. She blinked once, wondering if her eyes were deceiving her, then reread it to make sure she wasn't mistaken.
"Sasuke, did you know your clan used to seal its children?"
"Seal them?"
"It's in your clan breeding program," she said, reading part of the the scroll aloud. "Along with ensuring the Sharingan will develop, the seal ensures males will be impotent aside from the first person they kiss. Why would they do that?"
Sasuke knew without having to think on it. "It's to protect the bloodline. They didn't want to risk having a bunch of Uchiha bastards running around."
If Naruto were present, he definitely would have chimed in at that point, but Sakura didn't want to go there. "Should an accident occur and a first kiss stolen, the Clan Elders will be able to reverse the damage, but it doesn't say how."
Accidents. Like inadvertently mashing lips with a stupid, ramen-loving blond after having him shoved into his face.
Oh, hell no, Sasuke thought as the pieces fell into place. Someone up there really hated him.
"Of course not. The Clan Elders would have kept the jutsu in oral record, to avoid having it stolen," Sasuke said bitterly. If the council of Uchiha elders had survived, they would have been able to undo Sasuke's inadvertent bonding to Naruto, but... yeah. It was another reason for Sasuke to be pissed off at his brother.
"Wouldn't 'accidents' happen a lot, though? Most of your family members were very attractive."
He remembered his brother warning him that all little girls had cooties, and that if one should manage to steal a kiss, he had to let Itachi know immediately so the appropriate antidote could be applied. And that reminded him...
"Itachi had a fiancée before he killed everyone," Sasuke said. "I was about five when that engagement was arranged."
Sakura winced. "That would fit. Arrange the marriages pre-puberty to ensure no unwanted offspring outside of the family line," she said. "Do you know where the seal is on you?"
It was news to him that the seal existed. "The only seal I ever had was Orochimaru's, and Itachi removed that."
"That doesn't mean it might not be hidden. It could be under your tongue, or inside your cheek, or," she blushed, thinking of where it could be located, "under your scrotum, or somewhere you couldn't see and wouldn't be noticeable to anyone else." Then an idea occurred to her where it was most likely placed.
She made him bend his head forward, pushing his hair aside in an attempt to see his scalp. Usually she would have taking time to enjoy the intimacy, but right now she was more interested in confirming her theory. She couldn't see the shape there, but there was definitely the black ink of a seal there.
"There's something there, but I can't see the design," she said. "So supposing it does exist, and you kissed Naruto... the only one you can sleep with is Naruto." A horrible, leaden feeling settled in her stomach.
"I don't even like men!" he protested.
Sakura made up her mind. There was no way she was going to settle for a strictly platonic love.
"Well, I do. We're just going to have to be creative." Sakura grabbed Sasuke's arm and started to pull him toward Naruto's apartment complex. "I bet Naruto would be up for a threesome."
He opened his mouth to protest, trying to find an argument against asking the idiot to sleep with them. There had to be a way to get the seal off, though that would mean shaving his head so it could be examined...
Sasuke supposed he could settle for being bicurious. Between that, shaving his head, or resigning himself to a life of celibacy, the choice was obvious.
"Wait," he said, digging his feet in to stop Sakura in her tracks, before tugging her in the opposite direction. "This time of day, he's at Ichiraku's."
Sakura blinked once, twice, and Sasuke wondered if she was having second thoughts. Then she gave him a wicked grin and wrapped her arm around his waist. "I think it says something about us that we'd rather have a threesome than settle for a chaste, true love."
"Blame Kakashi," was Sasuke's curt reply.