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I try to remember the first time I held myself back from doing something I wanted to do- ah, yes, it was when I was four and Raph was screaming in rage at me. I remember wanting to yell back. I remember wanting to accept his challenge to fight. But no. I couldn't. I held myself back. I figured, if I ignore them, my emotions will fade away over time. Instead, I calmly backed out of the fight and tried to resolve it peacefully. Master Splinter gave me a proud look, one that I instantly wanted more of. So from then on, restraining myself was second nature to me.
I never thought about all those emotions that I keep trapped inside.
And now, I wonder- as leader of this team, perhaps I should do something- anything- to get these feelings out. I want to scream. Or destroy something. Or throw something. Anything violent enough would work.
But I can't give myself that luxury. I can't let myself stray from the role of the calm and faithful leader.
In truth, as I stand here, on this rooftop, startled at these new feelings, I'm scared. I never thought emotions could build up like this. Why can't they just go away? Why, why, why?
Oh, Raph. Oh, Donnie. Oh, Mikey. If only you saw what your 'fearless' leader was doing now.
Violent thoughts run through my mind. I need to do something desperate.
"But I can't," I mutter to myself. "I am the leader. I must… be… perfection…"
I feel myself sink to my knees. How can something as little as a feeling cause all this? Am I insane? What's causing me to act like this?
The rage, sadness, joy, and worry in me build up, ever since I was four. It's all there… my mind is the dam holding it back. How long until that dam breaks?
Turns out, I think, as I brace myself to return to the sewers amongst my family, meditation is only so helpful…