Your Horoscope For Today, a x-men: evolution fanfic

Your Horoscope For Today

DJ M

Disclaimer: I don't own X-men Evolution and the Weird Al Yankovic song Your Horoscope For Today. And I made a few changes for the characters.

Horoscopes:

Aquarius- Todd

Pisces- Kitty

Aries- Pietro

Taurus- Scott

Gemini- Lance

Cancer- Logan

Leo- Kurt

Virgo- Evan

Libra- Jean

Scorpio- Rogue

Sagittarius- Fred

Capricorn- Duncan

~Aquarius~

There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus.

(Todd uses his tongue to get a fly, but ends up failing and it hits a bus.)

Todd: Uh-oh.

Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day.

(Scene of Todd playing Whack-A-Mole.)

~Pisces~

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus.

(Kitty's running away from Kurt, who has the Ebola virus.)

You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at school say.

(Kitty's showing off her dance moves.)

~Aries~

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon.

Pietro (Off screen.): Oh dear God!

Trade toothbrushes with a fuzzy elf and give a hickey to Sarah Michelle Geller.

Pietro: Now this is my kind of songfic.

(He trades his toothbrush with Kurt and heads to a limo.)

~Taurus~

You will never find true happiness, what ya gonna do, cry about it?

(Scott is pouting over his problems.)

The stars predict tomorrow you'll, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.

That's your horoscope for today

~Gemini~

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence.

(Lance blushes while the rest of the Brotherhood have close pins on their noses.)

Your love life will run into trouble when your girlfriend hurls a javelin through your chest.

(Kitty hurls a javelin through Lance's chest, Lance looks at it.)

Lance: That's gonna hurt in the morning.

~Cancer~

The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud.

(Logan is held down in the mud by the Brotherhood.)

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking a Danger Room test.

(Logan throws some duct tape away as he enters the Danger Room.)

~Leo~

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your Professor's face, oh no.

(Scott is keeping Kurt away from the Xerox machine.)

Eat a bucket of tuna flavored pudding then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quick.

(Kurt is squirting strawberry Quick into his mouth as he's eating pudding.)

~Virgo~

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent- except for you.

Expect a big surprise today when you wind with your head impaled upon a stick.

(Pietro leads an angry mob while Evan hides in his room.)

That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid scientific documented evidence that, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.

Where was I?

~Libra~

A big school award is just around the corner for someone much more talented then you.

(Jean gets upset as she sees Taryn get the best student award.)

Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.

(Jean is laughing as she is rushed to the hospital.)

~Scorpio~

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window.

(Todd throws a banana peel on the floor, then Rogue slips on it and falls out of a window.)

Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak.

~Sagittarius~

All your friends are laughing behind your back... kill them.

(Fred is sharpening his ax.)

Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.

(Fred places some pictures in a box and throws into a fire barrel.)

~Capricorn~

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person... but you know they're lying.

If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again.

(Duncan's hiding in his house while the Brotherhood is trying to brake the door down.)

That's your horoscope for today

The End.