I have no idea why it happened or when it started, I always thought I liked boys, like she does. But I don't. I like Riley.
I like my best friend.
And we promised it was just her and me in this world. But does she want her and me to be her&me like I do?
Maya&Riley. Maya and Riley. Riley&Maya. Riley and Maya. I don't know anymore . . . I love her. Like that?
"Like what?"
"Riley!" I exclaim, "heyyyyyy, how long have you been there?"
"I just got here, I waited for you but you didn't show so I'm late," there's a slight anger in her voice but I smile weakly.
"Sorry, I forget, my mind's been . . . Everywhere, lately," it's lame, yeah, I know, forgetting something we've done forever.
"You okay, Maya? You look kinda pale, let me check your temperature," she says, placing a hand on my forehead. I feel my cheeks burn, she's so caring and innocent . . . "And now you're face is red! Aw, man, are you sick!? Maya, we were gonna go to the mall today to look for cute boys, please don't be sick. I can't be mad at you if you're sick."
"I'm fine, Riles," I tell her, taking her wrist and moving her hand away from me. She leaves a funny feeling buzzing on my skin, it almost hurts but everything flops backwards and upside downs and I miss her touch but I hate myself for it.
"Are you sure?" She asks, her eyes wide with concern.
"Yes, now come on, let's get to class, you truant," I tease, grabbing her hand and dragging her off.
"But my boooooooks!" She whines, reaching out for them.
Oh, Riley, what are you doing to my head?
I try to think over what the hell she's been doing to my heart and my head at lunch but she finds me before I can really begin. She latches onto me with a warm hug that makes my throat go dry and my knees shake for just a second.
"Have you been avoiding me or something, Maya?" She laughs, dragging me to our usual table.
"What? Don't be stupid, Riles, of course I'm not avoiding you," I lie, putting an arm around her to reassure her.
"Good," she says, smiling widely, "I've got something to talk to you about." Her voice is so high and happy and girly, I know it's about the hick.
"So, what'd Lucas do?" I ask as we sit down.
She giggles, burying her head in my shoulder—I can't even breathe if I try—and sighing. "He asked me for help with his math homework which means we get to meet up after school," she giggles.
"Wait, today after school?" I clarify.
"Yeah, why?" She asks, not realizing.
"Riley, we had plans today," I tell her. She clasps her hand to her mouth.
"Oh, my God—Maya, I'm so sorry, I forgot, I got caught up in the moment," she explains, her eyes wide and apologetic.
"It's okay, Riley, just go with Lucas," I murmur, getting up and leaving. It hurts too much to be here with her right now. She calls after me but I drown out the noise in my thoughts. If Lucas matters more, then that's it. He matters more. He comes first. I can't change that for her. No matter how much it hurts me.
She finds me on the subway. I'm just trying to go home and be done with this day. I want it to just end. Is that so much to ask?
"Maya!" She exclaims, rushing to me.
"Shouldn't you be with Lucas right now?" I spit out, wishing she would disappear.
"I cancelled with him," she tells me, "Lucas can wait. My best friend can't."
"Whatever," I scoff, crossing my arms.
"Maya, please believe me. I want you in my world before anyone else," she says, desperately.
"I'm sure you do," I mutter, my heart hurting in my chest. She doesn't mean it like that.
"I do. You're my best friend, Maya. Please. I love you," she whispers, grabbing my hand.
I freeze. She loves me. Riley Matthews loves me. "I love you too," I breathe out. "A lot."
"So, you'll forgive me!?" Riley exclaims, her eyes wide with hope.
"Yes," I whisper. She hugs me, her body crashing against mine. I wrap my arms around her. Someone awws and I have to tell her now. "Riles?"
"Yeah?" She whispers back.
"Can I tell you something?" I ask.
"Of course," she nods.
"I love you . . . More than I should," I whisper, my breath hitched. She pulls away. Damn it, I knew this would happen. I shouldn't have told her, I've just ruined our friendship.
"Maya, for—for how long?" She asks, her eyes concerned.
"I don't know when it started but I realized when you started liking Lucas," I mumble.
She hugs me again, holding me tight. "I'm sorry," she whispers. I squeeze my eyes shut, I knew she wouldn't feel the same way. She's straight.
We have a sleepover instead of going to the mall. She carries on like she usually doe when we have sleepovers, like nothing has changed even though I spilled my heart's contents to her. That stings worse than her not feeling the same way.
That stings a lot worse.
"So, Maya, I was thinking we should catch tonight's marathon of our favorite '90's shows," she tells me, brushing her hair.
"Sounds good to me, let's go," I say, getting off her bed to head to the living room.
"Wait, first, there's something I have to do," she stops me. There's something in her eyes I can't place but she looks so determined, like she's finally decided something and she has to do it.
"Okay?" I raise an eyebrow, not sure what to think.
She slowly walks over to me, her shoulders tense. Carefully, she stops in front of me, biting her lip, unsurely.
"You okay, Riles?" I ask her, worried now.
She moves closer, her face near mine. She's too close now, my heart is racing, my blood is rushing to my cheeks, my lungs are working overtime, oh, God, Riley, please, you're killing me. She places her hands on my shoulders, tilting her head a little. There's barely any room between our faces.
What's she doing? Is she trying to torment me? Did my feelings for her upset her so much that she's mad at me for them?
She moves her face a little closer, her lips are almost touching mine. Oh, God.
I don't dare to close the distance, I don't want to ruin everything. I back away just a bit, scared of what could happen if I don't.
"You don't want to?" She asks, sounding sad and scared.
Wait. She wants to kiss me?
"I . . ." I try to speak. Why can't I say that I want to?
Our eyes lock, trying to say a thousand words we can't.
She kisses me. The world is just her&me. Riley&Maya. Just like I wanted. She's shy and clumsy with her kissing, I know it's her first one. It's adorable, how softly she kisses me, not sure what she should do.
I pull away, smiling.
"Do you want me to teach you how to kiss?" I ask, laughing a little.
"We could do that, while we watch our marathon," she says, shyly.
"I'd like that," I tell her, grabbing her hand. This is perfect. Just us, in our world.
Oh, Riley, what are you doing to my head?
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