Curing Hiccups
wiltingflowersandpinkribbons:hey guys!! Ummm, this is a joint fic done by myself, sazza-da-vampire and doctor-who-fangirl. It's set sometime after Adrift but BEFORE Fragments, with one exception to the rule: Owen is not dead. So that's all the proper stuff out of the way, now onto some random babbling: please please PLEASE understand that we are all huge John Barrowman and Cpt. Jack fangirls and we love them both (even tho they technically the same person . . . lol, weird) we are NOT attempting to be mean to Jack to just be mean to Jack!! Just read it and you'll see. anyway, onto the other 2 girlies.
dr-who-fangirl: Yeah, I basically just wanted to write it because I find that Jack is really quite sweet and endearing when he's being utterly pathetic. Which is barely ever. So this is a chance to make it happen…ummmm. Well, we had fun writing it anyway, it took weeks of painstaking research into old hiccup cures and re-viewings of Torchwood episodes to calculate the approximate dimensions of the hub, and in the end, we decided to put our brains to work (well, I did) and slightly modify some old wives tales.
sazza-da-vampire: And I'm the grammar and spelling checker, as the other 2 say I'm always in beta mode. I just like to torture my favourite characters without causing them permanent damage. Congrats to anyone who's actually read all that.
Set sometime after Adrift, but before Fragments one slight difference, Owen is not dead. This is a corroboration by wiltingflowersandpinkribbons, sazza-da-vampire, and doctor-who-fangirl. Hope you enjoy!!
Disclaimer:
Hey, do the three of us REALLY look/sound/act like a 40 year old gay guy to you?? No. So, obviously we are NOT Russell T. Davies, and so considering that all these characters belong to Russell T. Davies, and we are NOT him, we do NOT own said characters. We only own the cruel and (hopefully) hilarious plot. No copyright infringement intended. Enjoy.
Curing Hiccups
"Good morning Owen!" Toshiko Sato yelled, running to catch up with the man strolling casually along the wharf ahead of her, his long easy stride was huge compared to her small dainty walk. As she fell into stride beside him, Owen glared at her.
"Hmmm… tell me Tosh, what's good about it? I got no sleep last night since Jack had us all up Weevil hunting! And I'm starting to get a cold so I'd stay away from me if I were you…" he sniffled loudly.
Oh. He was in one of those moods again. Fantastic. "Well okay then Mr. Melodramatic. Bad morning Owen."
He looked down at her, a smile playing round his lips; sometimes he was shocked to find himself laughing at her jokes. "Don't be so pessimistic Tosh."
She rolled her eyes at him as they reached the drab little shop that served as the main entrance to head quarters. He held the door open for her, mock bowing. 'Ladies first.' As Owen shut the door behind him they heard an almighty crash and a strangled yell from behind the huge bunker door that lay at the end of the 'hidden' corridor.
They entered quickly - before Tosh had even had time to wonder WHAT Jack and Ianto might be doing - and whether it really was a good idea to enter the hub, right now - when Owen roughly brushed past her, ran to the bottom of the steps, offered out a hand and pulled Jack into a standing position.
"What the hell were you doing!?" Owen glared at Jack.
Tosh let out a sigh of relief, Ianto was nowhere in sight and Jack still had all of his clothes on. "Well…I was sort of…standing on my head," Jack wheezed.
"Ok…umm, why?" Owen asked incredulously. Jack caught his breath before starting again, rubbing the back of his head he said: "I was trying to get rid of my hic hiccups hic. As you can hear, it didn't hic work."
"Just hold your breath and count to ten," suggested Tosh immediately.
"Tried it."
"Oh - scare yourself?"
"Tried it."
"Drink a glass of water upside down?"
There was silence.
"Tosh?" Jack whispered.
"Yes?"
"WHAT DID YOU THINK I WAS JUST TRYING TO DO!?"
hic.
"Oh."
"Well…" began Owen, whipped his runny nose with the back of his hand and strode forward, his face mischievous, "my Gran had an old remedy for curing hiccups. Failsafe and foolproof - I swear."
"Owen, hic, what the hell are you thinking of?"
Gwen Cooper strolled into the hub- "Good Morning Jack… and whoever else may or may not be here" - she had to announce herself now, so that if Jack and Ianto where here, they had time to put their clothes on and pretend they were doing nothing, if they wanted to.
"Morning Gwen," came Jack's slightly strained voice from the boardroom. Gwen wandered toward the boardroom entrance.
"Oh my GOD!" She screamed, whipping out her gun. "What the hell…who…no … WHAT did this to you!?"
"Oh, good morning Gwendoline…" she spun round to find Owen's head stuck around the corner "…we're just trying to cure Jack of his hiccups."
"Yeah," came Tosh's voice, "Like it? Took us an hour to set this up."
"Yes hic and it's not hic working."
Owen voiced his agreement with a loud sneeze.
"Well, no of course it's not, he's got to be on his back, or that thing won't scare him." Gwen explained, taking in the huge circular pendulum blade, swinging dangerously above Jacks head, he was roped tightly to a chair below.
"Oh yeah…" said Owen, thoughtfully, wiping his nose with a handkerchief. Hic. "Well… easily fixed." He said striding forward and kicking the chair, complete with captain, over.
One hour later:
'Well Owen…so much for your Gran's failsafe, foolproof remedy. He's been under there an hour and he still isn't cured, he got bloody bored, and now he's half asleep' Gwen's amused voice roused Jack from his daydream, uncomfortable though he was, he wasn't in the least afraid, he knew that none of them wanted to clean up the mess that cutting him in half would make so he had slipped into a pleasant dream about travelling with the Doctor, and Raxocoricofallapatorius.
"Yes, well like I said before, he could drink a glass of water upside down."
"TOSH hic…I already hic tried hic that, and failed dismally remember? I fell down the stairs. hic."
Tosh smiled at Owen and Gwen, looking down at Jack she said; "Yes…but you didn't have us here to put OUR spin on things."
Hic.
Forty-five minutes later:
Ianto Jones wasn't looking forward to today. It had only been a few days before when Gwen had walked in on himself and Jack half naked in the Alien Flora room. Things where a little bit . . . awkward between them. He wanted to show her that that although he and Jack were together, he was still any ordinary team member. He just didn't know how.
Taking a deep, calming breath he walked into the hub with a full tray of coffees for the team. He had taken no more than three steps when a gigantic drop of water plopped from the ceiling and onto his left shoulder, completely soaking the left side of his shirt. Startled, he looked up, to see none other than Captain Jack Harkness, his feet tied to the Hub's ceiling and a human-sized rodent water dispenser hanging beside him, it's metal tube stuck roughly in the Captains mouth.
"Sir," called Ianto, "Is there any particular reason that you're hanging upside down from the ceiling?"
Jack, unable to speak due to the large metal tube that had obviously been forced into his mouth and, (by the looks of it) taped there, simply gestured wildly to his right side, his face livid.
Standing on one of the walkways of the second floor of the Hub stood Owen, Gwen and Tosh, each one laughing so hard that they were grabbing the railings to support themselves.
"Okay then . . . may I inquire as to why you're doing this to Jack?" Ianto asked, making his way towards the trio.
"Because he's got the hiccups," gasped Gwen, clutching her side, "and we're trying to cure them."
"Well, your methods are definitely creative. I'll give you that. I do have one question though. How are you supposed to tell if his hiccups are gone when that drinking thing that you've stuck in his mouth is preventing him from speaking?"
All three of them stopped laughing and stared at Ianto, wondering why they didn't think of this little hiccup (no pun intended) in their plan before now.
Sighing, Owen walked over to the ladder attached to the side of the wall and began climbing it, making his way towards Jack, stopping at regular intervals to wipe his nose with a handkerchief or the back of his hand. When he finally reached his boss he leant over, one arm firmly wrapped around one of the ladder steps to prevent him falling, and ripped the tape off Jack's mouth.
Jack moved his mouth to get away from the dripper and then promptly spat a mouthful of water at the medic's face. This of course did nothing to help Dr. Harper's oncoming cold; in fact it just made him sneeze loudly in the direction of his Boss's upside-down face.
"You are so hic fired after hic this."
"Hiccups aren't fixed!" Owen called down, and then began making his way down the ladder, leaving Jack to dangle there alone.
"So," he began, reaching where Tosh, Gwen and now Ianto where gathered, "what next?"
"You need to scare him." Said Ianto, beginning to climb the ladder.
"We tried that," this was Tosh, "we had him lying under a swinging blade for over an hour. Didn't faze him at all."
"That's because it was you guys. He probably realized that you wouldn't hurt him because of the mess it would cause. The only way that we can really scare him is if we put him with something that really doesn't care about the consequences of killing him. Painfully."
"Where did all your respect for me go?" called Jack down to his team mates as his lover continued his way towards him.
Tosh feigned innocence, "We're trying to help you Jack!"
Gwen was honest, "Hey, if I hadn't joined in I'd be hanging up there with you, and considering I can actually stay dead if I die then . . ."
Owen was blunt. "I just wanted a laugh." Jack turned to Ianto, who had just reached him.
"And you?"
"Peer pressure, Sir." He said smiling as he squeezed a sticky substance all over Jack.
Ianto had just reached the rest of the team when an almighty screech sounded throughout the Hub. Jack's face went ghostly pale as Torchwood's resident pterodactyl came flying towards him. He gulped, but only because hanging upside down it was practically impossible to scream.
The pterodactyl came hurtling through the air towards the rope that secured Jack to the high ceiling of the hub. Luckily for Jack the rope that was tied to his feet was unable to cope with the added weight of the dinosaur, it snapped. Not so lucky for Jack, was the fact that he was now falling, quickly, towards the hard, wet ground of headquarters.
"SHIT!" Owen yelled, grabbing an alien levitation field, taken from a Chula war ship that Toshiko had been studying for the past month, he pressed the biggest, reddest, shiniest button he could see and pointed it at Jack.
Hanging twenty meters in the air, Jack glared down at the team, and then looked nervously towards the pterodactyl. The levitation field created a barrier between it and Jack, who was covered in chocolate sauce. "Owen hic get me down from here!"
Owen grinned up towards Jack "Right then boss." He began pressing random buttons.
Jack started turning somersaults in the air. "OWEN NO! THE MAUVE BUTTON! PRESS THE MAUVE BUTTON!" Owen looked at Jack, stunned. "You know how to use this thing?"
"YES! OF COURSE I DO! I USED TO OWN A CHULA WARSHIP, THAT'S THE LEVITATION FIELD, NOW GET ME DOWN!"
"Huh. You mean that you've had us wasting our time…"
"OWEN HARPER!"
"What!? I'm just saying that for the last month Toshiko and I have been slaving away trying to figure out what it is, while all the time you've known. Frankly Jack I'm…"
"OWEN!!" that was the team.
"Fine." He, sniffled and pressed the mauve button, releasing the levitation field, with Jack still two metres off the ground.
Thud.
Hic.
Screech.
With the barrier now gone, the pterodactyl came swooping down on Jack, who rolled quickly off the bridge and landed with a gigantic splash in the small stream that ran along the ground of the hub.
Emerging from the water, pale coloured shirt now stained brown and completely see-through with his hair falling gently across his forehead, he was a very attractive sight to behold.A bit of drool dribbled down at least one of the team members' chin.
"IANTO!! Hic. It didn't work. hic. And let me tell you that if I didn't need each and every one of you I would have fired you all to hell and back again. Hic"he said, seething with anger, this quickly transformed into an air of weary resignation. "So what now? Hic"
"I don't have any ideas Jack, sorry. What about you Owen?"
"Nope. I've got nothing," he sniffled, wiping a bit of snot off his nose. "What about you Tosh?"
"Sorry, for the first time today, my genius has been exhausted."
"Well then, I believe it's my turn." suggested Gwen, unable to hide the glee in her voice.
Jack gulped, Gwen had an evil side, but it was pushed away and repressed so much that when it was let out, it went insane, he was afraid that this was one of those times.
"Wha- hic - what are you going to do to me?" he said as Gwen finished her whispered conversation with the others, his fear showed through the wobble in his voice.
"Stick out your tongue and hold your breath," Gwen said mysteriously, "but our way," she finished.
Tosh got an evil gleam in her eye as she pulled a packet of chewing gum out of her handbag. Ianto found a stand-and-clamp, the sort that you'd expect in a science lab, to use as a vice.
Owen, still sniffling, pulled out the industrial tape.
Gwen pulled out a roll of sports tape.
Jack froze in horror as he comprehended what they were about to put him through.
"Have some gum," Tosh said to Jack, when he looked at her she shoved a piece of chewed gum in his throat. She smiled condescendingly.
"A bit more of that and you won't be able to hiccup, Jack."
Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh any deity that may or may not exist. Tosh started to hand out pieces of gum, which the team would chew, then proceed to shove down Jack's throat. And the hiccups meant that the pieces ended up in his lungs.
When did they lose their minds, again?
As Owen chewed a stick of gum he set up the clamp. Owen industrial taped it to the table, and then taped Jack to the chair when he tried to escape. Gwen clamped Jack's tongue, while Ianto wrapped sports tape around Jack's tongue and the vice so that he couldn't move – let alone speak.
Ianto, Gwen, Tosh and Owen continued to shovel chewed gum into Jack's mouth to obstruct his breathing.
Hic. Gum in lung. Choke. Hic. Gum in lung. Choke. Hic. Gum in lung. Choke.
"I hate you," Jack tried to say, but it came out more like "Ah ai oo." He didn't even try to say 'you're fired'.
"Finished," Tosh dusted off her hands on her skirt after she placed the last piece of gum in Jack's mouth.
Ianto and Gwen stepped back to admire their handiwork. Jack really looked rather pathetic, taped to the chair and the clamp. Beautiful.
Jack's whole body convulsed and his face screwed up in discomfort and pain each time he hiccupped. After about three hiccups, the other four fell to the floor in hysterical laughter.
They left him there until two o'clock as they went out for lunch, laughing at his predicament the whole time. Other customers in the café probably assumed that they were high or something.
Tosh and Gwen eventually took pity on the pathetic Captain's plight, and decided to go back to untape him.
Jack was still hiccupping.
"Paperwork? If we give him all our paperwork to do, we can get time off and he'll be too busy to concentrate on the hiccups," Ianto suggested as Tosh and Gwen painfully ripped the tape off Jack's skin and clothes. "They'll eventually go away, and if he keeps busy he won't even notice them."
Jack groaned when Tosh pulled the rather large wad of gum out of his mouth, then lurched forward coughing as the gum in his lungs made its way up his oesophageus. "I'm not cleaning that up, Jack," Ianto said warningly to him, "don't vomit unless you want to clean it up."
Tosh, sensing that Jack may have had just enough torture for one morning, and didn't really need to have to clean up his own puke as well, rushed off to grab a bucket. She returned swiftly and placed the bucket in front of the Captain, watching on as the great and grand Jack Harkness attempted to dry retch the enormous amount of chewed gum that was currently manifesting itself in his lungs.
The gum, however did not seem to want to be thrown up, so, after having his head stuck in the bucket for a good five minutes without any luck at ridding his body of the pink stuff, Jack rolled, choking and spluttering, until he was laying on the floor.
Ianto, Tosh and Gwen couldn't quite hide their concern for their boss; maybe it would've been better to just kill him. Owen however, had different ideas.
"We need to get this stuff OUT of his lungs" said the Medic, pacing, "But how?"
All four of them looked down at Jack, lying dazed near the bucket, and Ianto did not feel nearly sorry enough for his lover to push back the idea that came to him then.
The teaboy sat up briskly, and with a determined look on his face, went marching off to the broom cupboard, where he pulled out his infamous hockey stick.
"I never really was one to resort to brute force." he said as he marched back to Jack, bending over and putting the immortal on his knees. "But this is a special occasion. I'm really, really sorry Sir."
And with that he promptly swung the stick into Jacks back, hard. Jack immediately lurched forward and coughed, spewing out a bit of the disgusting gum on the way.
The others instantly understood, and within seconds they were by Ianto's side, Owen armed with a cricket bat, Gwen with a mop and Tosh with the bucket that had originally been there to cause Jack less torture.
Together the four team-mates pounded the majority of the gum out of their beloved mentor, coach, boss and friend. With each hit that he received from one of the various torture implements that his employees were joyously using on him, Jack would lurch forward coughing and spluttering up a vile mixture of bile, breakfast and pre-loved gum, which hit the hard, concrete floor of the hub with a satisfying squelch.
Finally having taken enough of this intolerable cruelty, Jack rolled onto his back, moaning in pain.
"Stop. Please, stop." hic.
The rest of the team watched on as Jack continued to choke on the floor, a small amount of gum still residing in his lungs and throat. They all knew that they needed to get it out.
"I know how we can get the rest of the gum out of his lungs," Owen started, "straighten out his oesophagus."
"Please - hic - no!" Jack said as he curled up protectively on the floor.
They ignored his protest.
Tosh and Gwen grabbed his arms, Ianto grabbed his head and Owen picked up his feet, and then they pulled. Jack's screams of pain were obstructed by the gum and hiccups. It sounded more like a rasping squeal. Poor, poor Jack.
Tosh stepped over Jack, still holding his arm, as Gwen climbed under Jack, in front of Ianto, to effectively roll him on his stomach when Owen pointed out that they could use gravity to their advantage. Jack coughed up a few pieces of gum between hiccups, leaving a mess of half-chewed gum and saliva on the floor.
"Hic, kill me," he coughed, "now, hic," Jack croaked
Owen dropped his feet and picked up a gun. "Save us the trouble," he said.
Jack's eyes widened as he realised that Owen was serious. And Tosh, Ianto and Gwen didn't seem about to stop him. In fact, they just set him on his feet, and Jack started rubbing his now sore neck.
Oh f-
Jack fell to the floor with a neat, round bullet hole in his forehead. Tosh and Gwen looked at Owen. He shrugged slightly, "It's not like he's really dead."
"Yeah, but we didn't think that you'd actually kill him!" said Tosh, walking over to Jacks motionless body.
"He told me to!" Owen retaliated in defence.
"If Jack told you to jump off a cliff would you do it?" snapped Gwen, ever the mother.
"Probably!"
"Well you are just an idiot then Dr. Harper."
"Am not!"
"Are to!"
"Am not!"
"Are to!"
"Am no-"
"OWEN FUCKING HARPER!!" Jacks thunderous voice interrupted Owen and Gwens squabble. The Torchwood team looked down to where their furious Captain lay, "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?? WHEN I SAID THAT I WANTED TO DIE I WASN'T SERIOUS!! GODDAMMIT OWEN, FOR A BLOODY DOCTOR YOU ARE A FUCKWIT!!
"Jack."
"DON'T INTERRUPT ME IANTO!! SOMETIMES I WONDER WHY I EVEN HIRED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE, OWEN!! JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY YOU'RE AN IDIOT SOMETIMES!!"
"Jack."
"WHY I EVEN LET YOU HAVE A GUN IS BEYOND ME!! YOU ARE SUCH A-"
"JACK!!"
Everyone turned to look at Ianto.
"What is it Ianto?!" snapped Jack at a slightly lower volume.
"Your hiccups are gone Sir."
There was silence.
"Oh."
More silence.
"Thanks."
The silence was broken by another of Owens sneezes.
AHH-CHOO!!
Jack, struck by a sudden inspiration, turned and grinned evilly at his Medic.
"So Owen, what are we going to do about that cold?"
wiltingflowersandpinkribbons:Sooo?? What did you guy's all think?? We're working on a sequel but we don't know if we should put it up. You can guess what it'd be. Revenge for Cpt. Jack!! lol, HOWEVER, we can only put it up if people read, review and tell us to put it up. Sooo, tell us your thoughts!! Was it funny?? Was it good??
Imaginary shirtless Jack given out to anybody nice enough to review
sazza-da-vampire: we have plans, we have very evil plans….