Sonic the Hedgehog

5 minutes earlier...

The white fish tank-shaped landscape of the document manager flickered with life once again as wind troves through the distant land, this wind was not caused by the running of some land-based creature or by an artificial source, it raced from right to left until it peaked and skewed, shifting downward a sentence and guiding the scene to an extremely-wide shot of a building. No, a facility. A detention facility under the jurisdiction of GUN (Guardian Units of Nations), like a fat, pompous man we welcome into our social circle wearing steel, iron, and concrete robes as the camera brought the facility into focus. Four towers surrounded a wall by which a hundred meters intertwined them, guarding the body of the island from all outside invaders as they stood vigilantly over the corners of the prison watching the vast amount of sea and sand that tickled the feet of cliffs daily. Sentries were posted, guns were loaded, bad news was everywhere to be found.

The only place that truly mattered in this swollen facility was that of a cell that contained yellow bars and white, metal spikes planted in front of the cell door. From the inside, this spike-studded cell was less than pleasant, though most timidly a small word and numbers were carved into the side of a wall on the left side. It read: Day 60. For sixty long days, the prisoner had been confined here. Blue as ocean waves, spiky as a spiky-haired porcupine, and obscene as an R-Rated movie was the creature formerly known as "Sonic the Hedgehog". But few people would ever identify him as such, for Sonic was a hero to the populace of places like Central City, Westopolis, and Station Square.

A good, honest hero who had never done them any harm - until he did - with his video games being constantly child-friendly, moral-carrying, as well as great fun. Well, no one would believe that this hulking, well-endowed male creature with grizzly teeth and thick slabs of rocky muscle covering his entire body, what very possibly could have been carved from a Greek statue for all any of the other inmates could tell. Sure, he had the voice of Sonic, and he had a tail, and seemed to be able to run really fast, but still, no one could accept that their hero had in almost a month ago sexually assaulted two women, one of whom was under the age of consent, and an even younger boy who was known as Sonic's companion.

That last part really hadn't gone over well in court. Sonic grimaced.

But fret not, horny friend! For as Sonic paused, realizing that he could physically hear every single thought he was having and that his actions were being dictated in unanimous symphony like pages from a novel, a voice sang down from the plotted heavens and beckoned to the hedgehog we all know and love, "Sonic, oh the fastest being in the lands, Sonic Hedgehog, do I call!"

Sonic stood up, and rather dramatically, waved his arms in composing patterns, soliloquizing, "What specter does beckon me from this dreamy moat? This lizard-filled honeyspoon, this tarantuala-infested bottle of woe? Do question fate and providence in this hath-slacken shape. My weary bones do collar me to this wretched form that does terrorize the townspeople. Miserable cheeks, fallen arms, reach desperately to the light from this sullen chamber, what little hope does spill through it? And do embrace this eagle a'far that does summon my attentions, this carrier of massaged will!" the pervert paused, almost checking his own mouth for tongue infections or some kind of microchip.

A laugh played inside his cell from wall to wall and it was moments of breathing that passed before it ceased, "Haaahaaa... okay, I can't believe I got you to say that!"

"Who the hell are you?" said Sonic speaking normally, "And what the hell did you do to me?"

With grained transition, the prison cell was no longer viable, as Sonic's meaty face was placed inside of a familiar text box that was surrounded by a blue background. Above him and one the top-right and in a red background was a man with chestnut hair cluttered messily like he hadn't bothered to comb it. In fact, as of this sentence, he probably hadn't. He wore a yellow tape sweatshirt that covered the only half of his body that could be seen inside of his black picture window, and he gave a radiant smile as Sonic gazed at him curiously. Where had this mysterious man come from? Why were they talking inside of text boxes again? The only explanation could be...

It hit Sonic like a stack of glass bricks, the facts all crackling in midair while they crumbled into thousands of different pieces all in alternate corners of his brain at once, "Are you... an author?"

"Yes, and no." said the man, "You see, I'm actually roleplaying as the avatar of a great comic artist named Steve Farlan for the sake of the story. But in reality, I'm actually a fan fiction author who goes by the name of Lagann."

Sonic scowled, "Are you that prick from last time!"

"Er, no. That was some total ass who used the last adventure to fap." ... "Now, more importantly, I'm here to help you-"

"But why did you take the form of Steve Farlan?"

"Oh, this? Well, its something we fan fiction authors call a self-insert character. We kind of rent ourselves out to take part in our own stories so that we can interact and assist the characters we write about the way we want to, and it makes us feel really good about ourselves because we get to pretend we're living out our dreams. We're not really supposed to do it because its a breach of copyrighted material, but then there's a lot of things we shouldn't do that we do anyway."

"Like underlining random titles in the middle of dialogue?" Sonic scratched his head.

"Yes. Just like that. Anyway, I've retu... I mean, I can help you this time around."

"Help me? Help me with what?"

"Yes, you see, after you won the first game and made out with three of your friends on FOX News, the programmers decided to scrap the last game to protect the children playing it. That failed because kids are getting smarter these days and started going on the web to find better sources for porn, and downloads for Sonic the Pervert were available on several websites."

"I still don't get how that involves me."

"Sonic, listen. After you were imprisoned, a man knew that he know had the time and space to look for two things of great power! Who do you think was in the shadows during the first game? I'll tell you straight - Doctor Robotnik took advantage of your absence and has begun a war on the world of Mobius, but he's not using any robots! He's got some sort of secret weapon!"

"That sounds scary! But I can't stop Ro-buttnik while I'm trapped inside of this cell!"

Then suddenly, Sonic wasn't standing inside of the GUN prison, and was standing inside of the Document Manager background once again in some obscure juxtaposition to the previous area.

"There you go, now you can go stop Robotnik!"

"Woah, I don't count on it for too much. You see, in this game, there are two player characters. I won't be able to give you as much help as I did last time since I have to divide my attention between the two of you." Steve said, winking, "I had a lot of stuff written for this scene but I scrapped it so we could move along with the story, maybe I'll rewrite it and tell you about it some other day. Now's not the time, you've got a world to save Sonic!"

"Alright, now I'll go stop Robotnik once and for all!" the blue boner was off, ready to cause more mayhem.

To be continued.