Surprised to see me? I am too! I've been away for a long time, four years to be exact. When I first started writing in this fandom, there were only 17 stories in the Thunderbirds category here on . It sure has blown up since then! This story is the rewritten version of one of my most popular, Torn. I have grown as a person, and as a writer, since I started writing it in 2002. Since rereading it, I have decided that I would like to finish it, once and for all. I had so much support from so many people way back when, and I would love it if you would read and review this newer version, whether or not you read the old. I have left the old Torn up, as reading the reviews is so inspiring and helps me get through rough spots in my writing. In this version, you'll find new scenes, more dialogue, and more straightforward descriptions. Some things may stay the same, some may change entirely. I guess you'll just have to read to find out what happens.
As always, I write for myself, but I continue writing for my reviewers.
Thanks so much for all your support!
Angelina
PS: There may be some conflict between tenses in these early chapters. I have re-read and edited them over and over again. I don't usually write in the present tense, but that is how I originally wrote Torn, and I want to stay true to that style. Please forgive any errors of tense until I get back into the swing of things. :)

Sometimes we get so caught up in saving other people's lives that we don't get a chance to live our own. True days off are few and far between, and even an afternoon in the pool can never truly be relaxing. The stir stick in Mr. Tracy's drink can light up at any moment, signaling another disaster that needs the aid of the five men in blue.

That afternoon, however, things looked quiet. Mr. Tracy had called his boys to his desk, where I was taking his dictation – as I often did – and suggested an afternoon out in the speedboat with a picnic lunch. The expression on the four handsome faces is identical though their features are so strikingly different. This is a rare occurrence. Even the idea of spending an afternoon in a small speedboat together wasn't enough to quell the prospect of a little freedom.

Mr. Tracy chuckles at the bewilderment of his sons. "John assures me that it has been a quiet morning and he doesn't foresee any problems this afternoon. Even if you are needed, it will be easy enough to call you back if you don't take the boat too far. Grandma's packed some sandwiches and Tin-Tin will go with you."

I look up from the doodles I had been doing on a blank page. "I will?"

"Of course you will. We can finish writing the letter after dinner." He smiles warmly at me.

"Thank you, Mr. Tracy." I stood up, shuffling the pages together into a neat rectangle, my eyes deliberately concentrating on what is in my hands rather than what, or who, is in front of me. Scott, Virgil, and Gordon had gone off to prepare the boat and get the picnic basket from Grandma, but Alan had stayed behind with the intent, I am sure, of accompanying me down to the dock.

"Go, Tin-Tin." I look up then, and Mr. Tracy is giving me a funny look. "I'll put the paper away."

Flustered, unable to keep up with my procrastination, I nod. "Thank you, Mr. Tracy," I say again, stepping away from the desk.

Alan is smiling as he puts his arm around me. "I can't remember the last time I had a day off."

I smile back weakly. "It will be good for all of you." I keep my gaze ahead, not looking at him. "I am going to go and get a sweater. It might be cold once we get out there."

Alan nods. "Okay. I'll come with you." He slips his hand into mine and I am just as quick to slip it out.

"No, it's alright. I'll meet you down there."

He nods once more, and I hope he is not giving much thought to my excuse to have a few moments to myself. He is evidently looking forward to a couple of hours away from the island, but the smile has frozen on his face as he turns away.

We separate, and I head down the hall to my room. Once the door had hissed shut behind me, I let out a long sigh, wondering how I am going to cope with an afternoon with both of them.

The man I have and the man I want are no longer the same person. I grow nervous in the other's presence, and in Alan's I can't help but fall quiet and make up reasons to leave his side. The constant knot in my stomach is already well formed, but I have a feeling it will only grow tighter this afternoon on the boat.

I locate my favourite sweater, taking as long as I can without keeping them waiting too long, and go down to the dock with a fake smile plastered on my face and a forced spring in my step. This afternoon would be a break for them, but for me, it would be even more stressful than the most difficult rescue.

The water was calm that afternoon, and the boat skimmed across it with the ease of a rock thrown from the shore, skipping over the waves. I couldn't focus on anything outside of the boat for long. The speed at which it moves makes me feel sick when I look at the water blurring by beneath us. Eyes glazed over, I stare at the floor, feeling my hair whip about my face hard enough to sting. My thoughts are occupied by the one thing that seemed to take them over more and more these days, and despite the beautiful weather and the laughter of the boys, I can't even fake my cheerfulness anymore.

Alan has said my name twice now but I haven't heard him. He finally sits beside me and snaps his fingers in front of my face. I raise my head, startled. "What?"

He chuckles. "You were on another planet I think."

I have the decency to blush. "Sorry. I'm a bit preoccupied I guess."

"With what?"

I shrug. "Nothing in particular. Just a list of things I need to accomplish in the next few days."

"Now is not the time to worry about this weekend's grocery run to the mainland." He grins but the smile I return is faint.

When he leaves his seat to get another beer from the cooler, my thoughts drift back to where they had been before I was interrupted. The solace of my mind is the only place I can escape to now, as on Tracy Island, there is always somebody around. Even the footsteps outside my room at night as one of the boys walks along the corridor to the kitchen is enough to constantly remind me of their presence.

I wonder how much longer I can keep this to myself. I am sure Alan can see the pain in my eyes and he must have noticed the change in my attitude towards him. If he knew the reason for it, it would break his heart – and shatter our relationship.

I was seventeen when I came to live on the island with my father. Jeff Tracy, multi-billionaire ex-astronaut, was moving his family to a sheltered little place off the coast of Australia and had wanted someone to lend a hand around the house. He and my father had been friends for years, and Mr. Tracy knew he could trust him. Trust was a big issue for Mr. Tracy. Money like his brought about jealousy and betrayal... He needed someone he could not only trust with his possessions, but also with the biggest secret he had never told.

Alan, as the youngest of the brothers, was only a year older than I. I met him for the first time while he was on summer vacation following his first year of university. He was mature compared to the boys I had gone to school with, and he was definitely attractive. My teenage heart immediately fell in love.

Alan had had his fair share of girlfriends, but being stuck on a remote island for the summer meant I was the only female around except for Grandma. He was sweet, and he was funny, and the tension between us was undeniable. I had never been in a relationship before, and those first few months were based on innocence and convenience. No one, us least of all, expected it to last as long as it had.

He knows me too well for me to keep something like this a secret for long. Alan showed me what it meant to feel love, and with my thoughts constantly betraying it, I can only imagine the distant expressions I must have been wearing recently. We have been struggling more than ever to stay close, and I wonder often if these thoughts are genuine or simply related to our tiffs. Alan is stubborn, and he can hold a grudge better than any of his brothers. I have seen that more than anyone, I am sure. Our relationship now seems to be directed by our brains and not our hearts. I long for the passion and tenderness he had shown me when we had first met, but that seemed so long ago now...

Unconsciously, my eyes come to rest on the man proficiently guiding the speedboat over the swells. A vibrant shirt is open over a white tank top and it flaps behind our captain like a leaf on the wind. His soulful russet eyes are hidden behind a pair of aviator glasses but I can picture them shining with a radiance matched only in his smile as he turns a tanned face to Scott, laughing over something his brother has said.

I glance away, feeling my heart pounding in my chest from more than just the sheer speed of the boat.

I want so much, but at the same time, I wonder how much easier it would be if I wanted nothing. My newfound feelings can't find a voice on the off chance that they may be reciprocated, as if they aren't, I will have lost Alan in the process. Suppressing them is almost making me physically sick, and glancing down at the ham and cheese sandwich that has somehow appeared in my hands, I can't even fathom eating.

I look up at Alan, who has torn off a piece of his own sandwich to feed to a sea gull that has landed on top of the cooler. He loses his balance as the boat swerves purposely, and the laugh that accompanies the movement from the one that caused it is something I have played over and over in my mind for hours after. Alan steadies himself against the seat, yelling something I don't hear in the direction of the front of the boat. The bird on the cooler had taken flight as the boat sharply turned and now lands on the vacant seat next to me. I break off a corner of my sandwich and give it to the gull without a second thought. I am not hungry enough to eat it myself. I can feel Alan's eyes on me and I keep my gaze on the bird.

I have everything I have ever wanted – a large family that, even though we aren't related, I feel like I have known my whole life, and a boyfriend who has shown more interest in me than anyone else ever has. Despite our recent disagreements, Alan and I have always been good together. He knows this, and so does the rest of his family. So do I. So why am I constantly plagued with thoughts of his older brother?

For the longest time, Alan was the only one I ever had eyes for. I wanted us to get married and have a family of our own. Despite his usual comments about his duties to International Rescue keeping him from such things whenever we are in the presence of others, I never doubted it would happen someday.

Scott takes control of the boat and Virgil makes his way to the cooler to get himself a sandwich and a drink. The boat sways rhythmically, almost soothingly now that we are no longer going so fast, but I cannot enjoy it. I want to be swallowed up or fall overboard and lose myself in the water. I don't want to feel this way for him; I never did. I feel so terrible for not being satisfied with what I have. Isn't that what happens most often, though? We have all that we desire, but still wish for more than we could hope to obtain.

I love Alan. I know that he loves me. But more than anything, I crave Virgil, and I know that I cannot fulfill that desire without completely destroying what I have with his younger brother. They are so different that I wonder if it is really the man, and not simply the change, that I want so badly. Alan is laid back but temperamental; Virgil is serious but sensitive. Alan can be immensely self-absorbed, and it took him a full week to realize I was limping after Brains and I had moved the desk in his laboratory and I had accidentally dropped it on my foot and broken my toe. Virgil noticed that very afternoon, after Brains had helped me tape it up, and offered to get me painkillers and make me a cup of tea.

This, I believe, may have been the start of it all. The offer had been innocent, but ever since, it has made me feel nothing but guilt.

After giving half of my sandwich to the bird and forcing myself to eat the other half, I look down at the water soaring by beneath the boat. The sun glints off of it, creating a lustrous circle shining brightly in the waves. My mind wanders back to where it has been so often lately, and it is there, and there only, that I can have what I want without destroying what I already possess.