I'm not sure if I really like this, but I'm posting it anyways.
Disclaimer: Loveless isn't mine. Though I guess it doesn't matter, because Kouga-sensei already does an awesome job. I just like this idea.
Warnings: Some major angst here, guys. Oh, and spoilers to the sixth or seventh volume.
Fruitless
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Why is it that I decide I'm willing to go anywhere, yet I'm always left behind?
I didn't want a Sacrifice. It was not a petty wish; nor was it a simple craving.
I needed a Sacrifice. Every day Ritsu spoke of the importance of a Fighter's and Sacrifice's bond, and every day, I longed and yearned and hungered for the day we would finally meet. It was unbearable—the overwhelming desire to finally be dominated, not by the indifferent hand of Ritsu, but the person who I knew I would die for if need be.
When I first saw him, I wasn't sure what to think. His black hair was thick, his ears proud and beautiful. He was cold, but that was okay. I had finally found him; my Sacrifice, my Name, my Beloved.
He always ordered me, and I followed without question. He was my law; my master. I never complained. I loved him.
At times, he was dissatisfied. It was not uncommon to feel the sting of his fist or the warm, gentle trickle of my blood. Kio says that it is violence, but I know better. It was a sign of ownership; that he is the commander and I am the commanded. I never complained.
One day, when I called him, he didn't answer. I tried and I tried, but forever more, I knew I would never hear that sweet voice answer my name again.
Hours later, it was publicized that a sixteen-year-old boy had been found, tied to a chair in his classroom and burned alive. He was dead before the paramedics arrived.
That day, I truly thought I had died. Kio was the only person that kept me from taking my own life, but even as an existing, breathing human being, I was as empty as the most decayed cadaver. Just as I had wished to meet him in the flesh, I wanted nothing more than to go to the place he had gone.
My pain lessened when I finally met Aoyagi Ritsuka. My original Sacrifice had ordered that if he were to die, I would become Fighter to his younger brother, and I did love Ritsuka. I still do.
But there is something different with this love. I knew my place with my original Sacrifice; he rebuked me when he suspected trouble. Ritsuka does not order, not in the way that guarantees I follow, and now I've begun to become human again.
I'm betraying my Name.
But, what more can I do now? All I hear in my head are those words that rung so exquisitely through the warehouse.
"Hello? Nisei, is that you?"
I've never been more scared in my entire life. I wanted nothing more than to give in to emotion, but the shock at hearing that dear voice allowed no room for tears. How could my Sacrifice have another Fighter? Is our bond meaningless? Am I meaningless? No. I am better; I am stronger.
"Nisei." I want to kill him.
It doesn't matter what my original Sacrifice does to me. I will never complain; I love him. But this feeling: Why choose someone else over me? Why fake death just to become Sacrifice to someone less powerful?
Countless times, by many people, I have been called a masochist, but I don't feel I've ever felt true misery until now. I hate this pain.
I would rip out my own soul if it meant I could stop the pain.
Father, to your hands, why have you forsaken me?
In your eyes forsaken me?
In your thoughts forsaken me?
In your heart forsaken me?
Chop Suey, System of a Down