For my friend, who came up with this idea.
"Hey, Doctor," a voice said seductively from across the room. Captain Jack Harkness sat on a hotel bed, his legs were crossed and he was leaning backwards on his arms, "got a little surprise for you, and I think you're really going to like this one." He winked at the Tenth Doctor standing in the doorway of the hotel room.
"Who are you calling little?" A familiar voice sounded from behind a second door that led to the bathroom. A second Captain Jack Harkness revealed himself and walked over to the one sitting on the bed. "Hey there, handsome." He motioned to the first Jack.
"Oh No. No no no no no. Nnnnooope! Whichever one of you is the real Jack Harkness has soooo much explaining to do!"
"Captain. Captain Jack Harkness." They both said at once.
"Oh dear, there's two of them! Two Jacks! Two Harknesses! Like one isn't bad enough! Oh stop it you two!" The Doctor yelled, his attention being drawn to the to the two Jacks who were now both sitting on the bed, flirting with each other.
"Aww. Don't be jealous, Doc. Come over here and the three of us can have a grand old time." Jack Number One said, patting the empty space on the other side of him.
"Would either one of you like to tell me how this could of possibly happened?!" The Doctor asked while taking out his sonic screwdriver which he was now scanning them with.
"What can I say, Doctor? Obviously the world just can't get enough of me."
"I think its only you who feels that way, Jack. Well you and, yourself apparently." He nodded to the second Jack who wrapped his arm around the first.
"Can you blame me?" Both Jacks laughed.
"Listen you two, one of you should not be here. Meeting oneself is a very very very dangerous things to do! Your timeline will be altered, Jack! You two! Yes you-you get away from-from yourself! You shouldn't even be occupying the same space! Honestly!" The Doctor threw up his hands, exasperated. "All right then, come on, come on, we'll sort this out and you-Jack, stay there while me and...and Jack here try to figure this out."
"Oh come on Doctor, relax. I'm immortal remember? I doubt anything serious will happen, unless of course, you want it to." One Jack winked, and then slid his hand up and down the cover of the bed. "And by serious I mean...serious if ya know what I mean." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"Oh, I'm sure he's just flustered with two of me in the same room. I know this sexual tension between the three of us must be driving you mad. Of course, I'm sure there's a way to fix that. Oh what could the three of us possibly do?" Jack mused.
"Sexual tension?! With you-both of you?! HA! Amusing Jack really, oh the great old Captain Jack Harkness is sooo amusing. Who would possibly want to do anything with you, Jack, hm? Tell me."
"Hey now, Doctor. I'd do me. Think of this as a once in a lifetime, well for you maybe, a once in an eternity, opportunity. I mean two of me at once, I can guarantee a great time. And, hey you know I've been after you for years, so let's kick things up a notch."
"No. No no no no no. Nope! I don't know what you two are thinking with your perverted thoughts about-each other no less! But one of you needs to go back to...wherever it is you came from! So-Jack, let me ask you this. Which one of you is from this time period? Whoever it is, I think it's time I take the other one back to his own time period so let's go. Which one of you is staying here? Will it be...Jack?" The Doctor walked over towards the bed and pointed his sonic screwdriver at one of them, then moved it towards the other, "Or...Jack?"
"I am." Both voices said at once. Both Jacks looked at each other. "I am", "No, I am" the two of them argued back and forth about which one was the 'Original Captain Jack Harkness.
"AHA! Now, things are getting interesting. So, Jack and Jack, the both of you claim to be from this time period, which meeeaanns...that one of you cannot possibly be the real Jack Harkness!" The Doctor exclaimed, while he played catch with his sonic screwdriver. "Sooo….Jack. What are you, exactly? And which one you….is the original Captain. Jack. Harkness, eh?"
"Look, Doctor I can assure you that I am me, and I'm pretty sure that this is me as well. I mean, have you seen me? There's no comparison, just look at my face, with my high cheekbones and...strong jawline and masculine muscles. Not to mention my massive-"
"Alright Jack, I get the point. Though I must admit you are both definitely identical somehow, even the sonic is saying the both of you have the same DNA. Which means you are both Jack Harkness but the questions is...how did your double come to be? Double double…" The Doctor started banging his sonic screwdriver against his forehead, "Think, think...what is a double...of something? Ah! Twins, no, you're not twins are you? No, of course not. Timeline no. Oh, OH! OH yes of course!"
Jack Number One leaned over and muttered to Jack Number Two, "Betcha we could get him to make more of those 'oh' and 'ah' sounds."
"And we don't even need to be sonic to do it." Number Two whispered back. Both of them covered their mouths with their hands in an attempt to hide their laughter.
"Oh, would you two schoolgirls shut up over there? Two-yes two. If not one then two, and of the same time, don't you see Jack? That's exactly it!"
"What's it?" Both Jack's asked.
"Clones! You are a clone. Well, not both of you of course, but one you must be the clone of Mister Captain Jack Harkness. That explains why you have the same DNA, why you both think you are from the same time period, look the same, same personalities, even, even the same memories no doubt!"
"A clone? So then which one of us is the original? Not that I'm complaining, I mean I could use the company, especially with someone who's so good-looking." Jack winked at himself.
"Well, since the original Jack has had some experience with well, time travel and the whole immortality thing and whatnot, I believe it is best to assume that the original Jack must be whoever is immortal."
Jack glanced at Jack, "So what are you suggesting Doctor? That we shoot each other and see which one of us comes back to life?"
Pause. "Ah. Right. Well, no that's not exactly-"
"Besides, Doctor what's so bad at having two of me around? I think I could very much get used to myself. Not to mention, no one else knows what I like more than me. Isn't that right Captain Jack?"
"Why, Yes Jack I find myself quite pleasing and just so happen to know that my weak spots are-"
" OKAAAYY OK! Enough, No one needs to know about who likes what or where they like anything! Jack, stop touching yourself! Oh, you know what I mean!" The Doctor added quickly in response to their snickers. He pushed them apart and sat in between the two.
"Well, well well. Look who's finally coming around. Hey Doctor, ready for a grand old time?" One put an arm around his shoulder.
"It'll be double the fun." The other did the same.
"Amazing. There are two of you and yet your minds wander to the same old thing! And here I used to think that two heads were better than one."
"I didn't hear a thing after Amazing. Hear that, Jack, we're amazing."
"Haha, come on Doctor. Let us show you just howamazing we are." The Jacks put their hands on each of The Doctor's legs.
"Great idea, Jack."
"Why, thank you Jack!"
"No problem, Jack."
"Shut up, Jack!" The Doctor put his hands over his ears to sound out the two voices. "Jack this, and Jack that! Honestly, I think the both of you need to Jack-Off!"
"Why Doctor-"
"I mean, off my-just stop touching me both of you!"
"Aw, now you're just taking all the fun out of this whole situation."
"This whole situation needs to be corrected, Jack. He-or you, or-one of you can't stay here with-yourself...who knows what you might do...with...yourself…" The Doctor shuddered. Two Jacks were definitely worse than one.
"Aww, but Doctor you can't let one us go just like that! I mean, look at our faces!" Both Jacks tilted their heads and gave a notorious "puppy dog" look.
"Oh stop it now, both of you!" The Doctor scolded as he rolled as his eyes. "Now will one of you tell me what we should do about this situation?"
"I say we should have a threeway." Jack winked.
"I second that." Other Jack replied.
"Honestly! It never stops with you two! Well, you can just forget it! The two of you are just gonna have to find yourselves another 'three'."
"I can help with that."
The three figures on that sat on the bed all gasped at once. They turned towards the sound of the familiar voice which had not resonated from any of them. Standing in the doorway of a closet within the room was yet another Captain Jack Harkness, who was leaning against the frame. His shirt was wrinkled and his whole person was disheveled.
"Three's Company anyone?" The new Jack winked.
"Oh no." The Doctor rolled his eyes, exasperated. "Another Jack Harkness? Have anyone else in the closet there with you? A whole Von Trapp family of Jacks by any chance?"
"Wow, and here I thought I had come out of the closet years ago." One Jack responded to the thirds sudden appearance.
"All right, all right. Jack. Not you Jack!" The Doctor added in response the fondling by one of the other Jacks on the bed.
"I know." The Jack that was touching him replied.
The Doctor said, "You. Jack. The one that appeared magically into our lives from the magical place of Closet Land. How long have you been in there?"
"Well you see Doctor I don't quite remember how I got here and what I was doing at the time. All I remember is darkness and waking up in there. I heard voices but it was dark and I couldn't quite make out where I was or where to go. Eventually though, I figured out that you're supposed to push the door rather than pull it." Jack Three laughed.
"You don't remember anything Jack? Other than waking up in there? Think. Harder. Where did you come from? What is it you were doing? Why is there three of you?!"
"Well...Lemme see...I was in a bar, that's right. I was drinking and...oh right, there was this cute bartender there, you should have seen him he-"
"Get to the point Jack." The Doctor gave him a narrowed look.
"Right. Well, if I remember correctly he-he had a twin brother with him. That's right. There were two of them and they were both flirting with me of course, because obviously I'm just so irresistible."
"Twins you say?"
"Yes, Doctor. Twins. Handsome. Identical. Twins. They told about some device they had but I-I don't really remember...It started wit think?"
"Jack, listen carefully now. Do you remember what their names were?"
"Names? Uh, now that I think about Doctor I don't think they ever really gave their names. Of course if they did I was probably hammered at that point. They kept saying 'we' a lot, they like the same things did the same things, including me, heh." Jack proclaimed in a proud manner.
"Of course Jack! It was them. They must have been clones, with a cloning device of their own and...I don't know what the three of you did but it was something to make three of you-three Jacks! But why would-"
"Honestly Doc, I'm pretty sure we were all a bit too drunk to really have a reason. I mean, for all I know there was a reason I was in that closet and uh-I'm pretty sure it's not G-rated." Jack put a hand to his mouth as if shielding it and whispered the last part.
"I'll say. Almost forgot he was in there." A Jack on the bed said.
The Doctor turned, stunned at the statement.
"Of course! They were only using you for your looks Jack!"
"Well obviously, I mean we didn't exactly go too deep into convers-"
"Literally Jack! They stole your face, basically is what I'm saying! Meaning that you, Jack are the original Jack Harkness and that they're...well, not. So you're not a clone!" The Doctor exclaimed, piecing it all together.
"Well, we just thought a change of pace might be nice and this face of yours is sure to bring us a lot more tips. Not to mention, the famous Jack Harkness as a few secrets that-we could really use his face for."
"Captain."
"Excuse me?"
"It's Captain Jack Harkness. Just one of the first things you should know if you're going to pretend to be me."
The two Jacks sighed and pressed a button on what looked like Jack's watch. The two identical Jacks disappeared, revealing two identical young men.
"And we really a brothers by the way, Mr. Clone talk." One said in response to The Doctor's guffawed face.
"See? Told ya they were cute, Doc. Whaddaya say? Wanna stick around for a double date?"
"No no and no! And you two, delete this man, and me from your inventory on your whatchamacallit device!"
"Oh come now, Doctor. They seem harmless enough. Like anyone with a brain would believe that they were me. Hah! No offense." Jack added quickly.
"Well then, Jack. I'll leave them to you. Don't come running to me when they steal something of yours."
"Oh don't worry Doctor. Someone took away my virginity long ago-I mean, I won't let them out of my sight." Jack gave a mocking salute, and went to sit in between the two on the bed.
"Now then, boys. How about that threeway?"