Hiya! Just had to write this. Love this piece WAY too much. Original is below the one I just wrote. It'll be in plain italics. WARNING: Can be considered rather racially discriminating.

-(O)-

Hi there, soldier.

Nice to meet you.

As the smarter of you might have realised by now, we're not SHIELD. This is Hydra and I am the commander here, Agent John Garrett.

You can call me Garrett or SO. We like to keep things relatively structured here; you fail to follow those rules, you die. Now, you're all here until death, which I don't need to tell you will be exactly as said. You work, and you die for Hydra. So you should all know each other pretty well by the end of your allegiance. Let's split you into ranks.

Keep that torture down!

Okay, firstly, specialists, specialists over here please. Thanks.

Black Ops Specialists and Tech Ops Specialists over there. Under Cover Operatives, if you could join them, and surgeons. Surgeons you're over there too.

Torture Methodists could you step forward? My god, there are a lot of you. I'll split you into clinically insane and the rest. Nutters, could you go line up in front of the shock therapy bay in the corner.

Ops students? Are you here? If you could be so kind as to come down here with the Sci-Ops students. I'm sure you all have plenty to discuss.

Okay, SHIELD Agents? Are you here? If you could please crawl forward from whatever corner you were hidden. You must be feeling a right bunch of nitwits… Hail Hydra, suckers. Well, never-mind.

And finally, pure Hydra agents? Ah, yes, I'm afraid Whitehall was right. If you could please go to the interrogation bay down the corridor, that would be really fine, thank you.

Okay, right, are there any questions? Yes, no, I'm afraid we don't have any mercy, Agent. If you knew your history, you would know that Hydra shows no mercy. So if you didn't get any before you came you're not going to live long. Then again, nobody really does.

Okay. It's over to you… Bakshi! And I shall, uh, see you all out on the ground.

See ya.

-(O)-

Ah, hello!

It's nice to see you all here.

As the more perceptive of you probably realised by now, this is hell. And I am the Devil.

Good Evening.

But you can call me Toby if you like. We try to keep things informal here, as well as infernal. That's just a little joke of mine. I tell it every time. Now, you're all here for...Eternity! Ooh, which I hardly need tell you is a heck of a long time. So you'll all get to know each other pretty well by the end. But for now I'm going to have to split you all up into groups.

Will you stop screaming?!

Thank you. Now, Murderers, murderers over here, please. Thank you.

Looters and Pillagers over here, please, and thieves if you could join them, and lawyers, you're in that lot too.

Fornicators, if you could step forward? My god! There are a lot of you! Ah, I'll split you up into adulterers and the rest. Male adulterers, if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine in the corner.

Em...the French? Are you here? If you could just like to come down here with the Germans. I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about.

Okay, atheists? Atheists over here please! You must be feeling a right bunch of nitwits! Never-mind.

And finally, Christians? Ah, yes, I'm sorry, I'm afraid the Jews were right. If you could come down here, that would be really fine, thank you.

Okay, right, well are there any questions? Yes, no, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets. If you read your Bible you might have seen that it was damnation without relief. So if you didn't go before you came I'm afraid you won't be enjoying yourself very much, but then I believe that's the idea.

Okay! Well, it's over to you...Adolf! And I'll, uh, catch you all later at the barbecue.

Bye!

-(O)-

Hope you laughed! I know I continue to.