Dedicated to the men and women who gave their lives to serve our country…and to the men and women who lost brothers and sisters serving our country.
Erin's P.O.V.
The apartment is dark, the lights off except for a few in the kitchen, and even those are dimmed. Normally I like it like this because it makes the apartment feel homey and cozy. Not tonight.
No, this place will never feel warm again.
He tightens his arms around me and I press my face into his chest some more, bottom lip trembling violently as I try not to cry.
"Four weeks Er. Barely over a month."
I nod into his sweatshirt, eyes still clenched shut as I fist the black fabric.
"I'll talk to you as much as I can."
I nod again, this time accompanying it with a gasp as I shake from suppressed emotion.
"I can't tell you I'll come home Erin. I can't promise that."
And that's where it hurts.
The tears fall, burning a red hot trail down my cheeks that matches the pain in my heart.
It came in the form of a letter. It came as I walked through the door with his favorite beer, only to have him carefully guide me to the couch. It came, lying wide open on the coffee table in front of us, calling Jay back overseas to complete unfinished business. The official statement holds a four week deadline, but we both know it's bullshit. They can extend that as long as they want.
The feeling of shock never existed. But the end of my world came in those words.
It's not him being away that scares me. At least, it doesn't scare me the most. Yes, its terrifying that I won't be there, that I won't know what happens to him or if he's okay. That's plenty scary.
But that's not what makes my chest to tight to breath, it's not what makes my eyes burn.
It's not the concept of him dying either. We're both cops in one of the most dangerous cities in America. Every time he leaves my sight, and even when he's in it, I have to brave the thought of him not making it to the next day.
"Erin." His whisper is soft and caring and damn it Jay, this is why I was afraid to love you. This right here. This feeling right now.
It's hard to describe really, because I knew this was a possibility, but there's no way to prepare for it. It's like being punched in the gut. You can't draw a breath, can't understand what's happened for the first few seconds after. A pretty accurate representation of right now. Because I can't breath, no, I'm sobbing to hard for that. I couldn't breath before either, when I read it and curled in a ball on top of him, refusing to let go because I knew when I did it would be the last time.
The air around me is not enough. It's not enough to sustain me, to keep me alive. I need him too. He has to be here, for me to live.
His arms hug me closer as I shake, mouth opening in a soundless scream.
I'm going to lose him and he won't even be dead.
"Please." I sob, no higher than a whisper because I don't dare to break the quiet between us.
"Please don't leave me." I cry, and something wet hits my hair to let me know he's crying too. The difference is, he's hurting because he thinks he's hurting me. But he's not. He isn't the one choosing to go back. And even if he was, if it was his decision to go back for a month...I couldn't blame him for that either. There is no anger in me right now. How could I hold any resemblance of rage against someone who wants to serve their country?
There's a hand under my chin, wiping away tears with a rough thumb. He tilts my head up, but my eyes are still closed and I am still crying and I know when I look at him it's all going to come spilling out.
"Erin."
No. I don't want to see his face. It's just going to hurt more when he's gone, but still here. When he's different but I'm still the same, this is what I'll remember.
"Linds. Come on baby, look at me."
It'll be this, these details, the ones important right now. Nothing hurts more than losing someone while they're still next to you.
I open my eyes, but bury my face in his shoulder, refusing to look at his face. The new patch of fabric absorbs my tears with eagerness.
"Erin, I'm gonna do everything I can to come back to you in one piece."
"I don't care about you coming back in 'one piece'!" I snarl, pushing off of him in a regrettable motion that sends me to the other end of the couch. I want to crawl back to him, close the distance between us and let him hold me till the sun comes up. But I can't. Because I need him to hear me.
"I just want you to come back!" He shifts, looking crushed.
"I can't promise you that Erin!"
"No. Jay, you aren't hearing me. I want you to come back." He blinks a few times. My hands are shaking and my heart feels heavy. See this is the part where he hates me.
"I don't want you to change Jay." I say softly, curling in on myself as my sobs turn to sniffles and less water falls down my face. The deepness of my pain doesn't change though, the fear and loss coming straight from my soul, pulsing out from somewhere deep inside me so my whole body aches with it.
"I don't want you to come back different." It's whispered, but the flash of anger across his face is anything quiet.
"What- so if I come back with PTSD you don't want to deal with that?!" He yells, standing up off the couch in his disbelief. I stand with him, terrified he'll leave before I can explain.
"No! No of course not- whatever happens over there we'll deal with it-"
"Then what the hell do you want from me, huh?! It's not like Chicago Erin, the things that happen over there are so much worse!" I'm sobbing again. My chest feels like its splitting in two, my heart being pulled into pieces by his words.
"I know, I know that Jay and that's not what I meant-" I plead, but he runs me over.
"Then what the hell do you mean I can't come back different?! What the fuck are you gonna do if I am, you gonna leave just like everyone else?!"
He's scared. Jay doesn't mean the hurtful things he's saying. I'm creating his worst fear right now, that I'll abandon him just because he's 'damaged'. Jay's not getting my point though. Hell, I'm not getting my point.
"I'm scared Jay! Okay, I'm fucking terrified! You understand that?!" I holler at him, tears dribbling down my face as my chest heaves for air.
"You think I'm not?!" He roars. "You think I'm fucking happy to lose everything we have for some stupid recon mission?!"
"I love you!" I scream. My knees give out and I sink to the floor, hugging my midsection as I rock back in forth, near hysterical in feeling.
"God damn it Jay…"I gasp. "I fucking love you. And I will always love you. No matter what you do. There will always be a part of me that loves you." My sobs slowly subside. I am to exhausted to feel anymore, but the tears continue to burn my face, branding me with my own selfishness. He says nothing, so I raise my eyes to his face, staring him directly in the eye for the first time tonight.
"I just need you to remember that I love you."
His eyes, the ones that change from blue to green to grey depending on the light, they are glassy and confused. He looks shocked, even as his chest moves rapidly, breathing heavy from yelling and from...well, from fear.
I drop my eyes back to the floor and cry.
It takes a little. A full minute or two and if I wasn't so wrapped up in my crazy thoughts, I probably could have heard the gears turning in his head. I probably would have noticed when he reached an epiphany too. As it is, I barely notice when he picks me up from the floor, carrying me as if I weigh nothing so he can curl around me on the couch.
He intertwines our fingers and whispers in my ear.
"I know why you're scared Linds. I'm scared too. I don't want to come back and not be me. I don't want to come back as someone else, someone you didn't fall in love with."
My breath catches in my throat, crocodile tears stuttering briefly as I start to relax with his words.
"I have the same fear. I don't want to come back and find that you are someone else, while I'm still right here."
With each syllable, he slowly pulls my broken heart back together. He's always been able to do that. Take away the hurt and show me strength.
"Just come back to me as you are." I whisper to him, breathing almost normal, tears all but gone.
"Promise me you won't lose who you are. Promise me you won't leave."
He squeezes my hand, tracing my ring finger, while he nuzzles my ear. He waits, our breathing synchronizing and slowing until-
"I will stay who I am, so long as we have each other, so that we may grow together and fight for each other, as we have done and will do. This I promise to you, my love and life, Miss Erin Lindsay."
I believe him.
Please review! I may do a follow up to this if people like it.