Of Grounders and Queens
Chapter 1: I choose my path
Walking into Camp Jaha I can't help but feel yet again estranged. I've been many things in my life: A grounder, a Reaper, the enemy. With Octavia I was finally able to be Lincoln but after the things she's seen me do and the way Lexa and my people abandoned hers, I am once again everything I hate about myself and I can no longer find redemption in my once innocent Octavia. I carry her injured body to the camp, my steps heavy, knowing this is the last time I will hold her. I thought the same thing days ago, we shouldn't have survived the mountain but we did, and it was all because of her.
" I can't believe she's here, after everything she's done," spat out Octavia angrily catching sight of Clarke and her brother. Jasper who had been walking near her nodded his head in agreement turning a glare towards the back of the group.
"She murdered Finn, murdered an entire village, and now she destroyed all those people in the mountain. We trusted her and this is what we got, some leader!"
"Octavia, she has made the difficult choices, everything she has done she will carry. We've all killed, none of us is free to judge her."
"Of course you'd take her side. You're as bad as she is, a murderer!" My once sure steps fumbled and I felt her reflexively tense in my arms. "Lincoln, no, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Lincoln look at me."
We arrived at the camp and I paused long enough for Octavia to give Jasper these weird glasses. I carried her into their med bay and deposited her on one of the cots. A harried looking sky person turned to stare at me and I directed him to help Octavia.
"Lincoln!" she called, her voice ending on a sob. I turned to look at her my face expressionless.
"Octavia, you are so strong yet so naïve. Where you see good and bad, right and wrong there is so much more to it than that. Everything I have done since meeting you has been to protect you. Your people became my own and where Lexa was a coward our leader was strong, but you don't see her sacrifice. One day you will realize that I also cannot be saved and I will leave you before that happens. You need to be with your people and I need to learn who I am without mine. Goodbye Octavia of the Sky people."
By now she is sobbing and I know that my arms can no longer be the ones that comfort her. With a nod I turn and leave.
Standing near the gate I can see Clarke ad Bellamy. Over time I've come to know Clarke's mannerisms, the way she squints her eyes when she wants to be threatening, the way she clenches her jaw when she's angry, and the way she squares her shoulders and lifts her chin when she is all set to do something she knows no one will like, as she is doing now. That's when I know this is goodbye for her as well. As I see the fearless leaders embrace I know what I have to do, for a while now I have been protecting Clarke, since the first time my people took her and spacewalker. She doesn't belong in this camp confined by rules, judged for her selflessness and neither do I, to me she is a leader and a friend. Where she goes I will follow, it also helps that I am one of the few people that she doesn't scare. I see her kiss Bellamy on the cheek, see her pull back, and finally walk away from him. Their moment over I make my way out the gates, past safety and purgatory, past Bellamy' stunned expression and jog to catch up with the one person who I know will understand why I left. She stiffens as she hears my approach and whirls around, blue eyes blazing only to settle in a calm simmer.
"Lincoln? What are you doing, did Bellamy put you up to this?"
"No."
"So, what are you doing?"
"Walking."
"Why are you walking with me?"
I remain silent, staring straight ahead. The sound of her sigh could fell a tree and I have to try hard to stop my smirk from escaping. I wouldn't want to give her the wrong impression and have her thinking I'm a good guy. By the time we stop to rest the only light is from the stars I can see from her peaceful expression that this is what she needed, and we're both grateful for the silence. Without speaking we build a fire and fill our canteens near a river before setting down opposite each other, a tree at our backs for support. She stares into the flames, eyes empty, waiting.
"You know this is the first time since I've been on earth that it's been this quiet," I face her in silence sensing that this is something she needs to get out.
"Every moment of every day since we've been here there's been a threat, I have had to keep everyone alive, be the responsible one. I didn't ask for any of it, I didn't want to kill a boy I loved, I didn't want to murder innocent women and children. I didn't want a war and now that I have a chance to choose what I want, I wish it had been me they had killed." At this I look up, I have never seen anguish like the one staring back at me across the flames. I slowly make my way towards her and see her starting to draw back the tears, steeling herself to be strong.
"Clarke," I say as I sit down next to her, my bulky frame dwarfing hers. "You've seen me at my worst and you never judged me, you helped me. I understand why you made the decisions that you did and I also know if you had to do it again you would do the same thing over again if it meant saving your people. But now it's just you and I, you don't have to be strong alone anymore, I can be strong for the both of us." Blue pain filled orbs fill my vision and haunt the night as do the sobs as one of the strongest person's I know falls apart and I feel my heart stir knowing that I am the one who gave her a safe place to shatter.
As morning dawned I was surprised to find that I still held her in my arms. As she began to stir I watched as she realized where she was and saw the redness that covered her cheeks when she noticed me. I backed away slowly to give her space when I was stopped by a pale hand on my arm. "Thank you Lincoln," she said quietly. "I haven't had anyone hold me when I cried since my dad." She ducked her head down, unsure. I tucked my fingers under her chin and lifted until I met her eyes.
"Did you mean it in the woods with the shooter?"
"When I said you are my people?" she questions. I nod my head, expressionless, not letting her see how much I need this reassurance.
"I did." She answers, voice sure, eyes not leaving mine.
"And you are mine," I say, pleased to see the small smile that graces her delicate features. We get up and clean the remnants of last night's fire, the light of a new day bringing us hope. "Where are we headed Clarke?" I ask.
"I don't know," she says slowly. "Let's see where this path takes us." I slowly reach a hand towards her and after a moment feel hers fill mine. Two survivors choosing their own path.