Sage: Greetings and Salutations peoples of the internet, I am Sage the Dark and welcome to Death Toll.

Sage: The Harry Potter Universe provides so many interesting ways to die, some canon, some fanon, some just completely ridiculous. Our goal with this little series is to kill as many people in as many ways as possible while still being entertaining and not getting kicked off the site.

Jade: Given some of the stuff on this site I really don't think we're in any danger babe.

Sage: Quiet you! Ehem, anyway, our first entry can be found in the ridiculous category but will hopefully not set the tone for the rest of the series, if the author knows what's good for him.

Jade: Threatening the author, yeah that sounds like a good idea, let me know how that works out for ya.

Sage: …, Anyway this is Sage the Dark

Jade: and Jade of the Fae

Sage: saying please enjoy, comments are always welcome

Jade: We like flames to, they fill us with warmth and laughter

Sage: Sigh! Just roll the fic already.

…And Now Our Feature Presentation…

Death Toll
Stare them down

The dark lord, whose name the sheep of the magical world feared to even speak stared down his nemesis, the boy-who-simply-wouldn't-die. At the dark lord's back his minions stood in silence awaiting their master's word while the boy-who-lived stood alone, no one had his back.

"So" said Voldemort, "At last you have accepted your fate. Finally come to draw your last breath at the feet of the Great Lord Voldemort" he spoke grandiosely.

"I've come to destroy you Tom, for good this time" replied the last Potter stoically.

The dark lord laughed, a wicked mirthless sound that filled even his own minions with dread.

"You stand alone, before me, and pronounce my destruction" said Voldemort wickedly, "Truly, a Gryffindor to the very end."

"More Hufflepuff actually" said Harry.

The dark lord laughed at this pronouncement, "Indeed? Harry Potter you are desperate" he declared, "How then shall I be defeated? What mighty power of Hufflepuff shall be my undoing" he queried mockingly.

"The power Dumbledore always told me you never understood" said Harry pulling a peculiar heart shaped object from his pocket, "the power of love and caring."

Before Voldemort or any of his deatheaters could so much as raise their wands or offer a retort a rainbow appeared before the boy-who-lived and from the prismatic beam appeared seven bears. At least, they resembled bears with their fur and general shape much in the same way a teddy bear resembled a bear. In fact …

"This is your final gambit Potter" sneered Voldemort, not at all impressed by the cuddly cavalry, "you plan to destroy me with teddy bears?"

"Not teddy bears" said Harry, "Care Bears."

"Hello, I'm Tenderheart" said the lead bear, an orange one with a single heart on his white tummy, "Our friend Harry has told us all about you Tom."

Voldemort snarled at the use of his filthy muggle name but wasn't given time to say anything before another of the bears spoke up, this one bright pink with a rainbow on her belly.

"I'm Cheer Bear" she declared, "would you like to be friends?"

Voldemort could only gape in bewilderment. When he had envisioned his final victory over his nemesis, this was not how it had gone.

"I don't think he wants to be friends" said a gloomy looking blue bear with storm clouds of the same color marking his middle.

"You don't think so Grumpy?" said Cheer Bear, a look of bewilderment marring her plush pink features.

"You'll have to forgive Tom" said Harry, "He has an incurable case of the grumps and doesn't understand friendship, love, or caring."

Hearing this, the assembled bears gasped.

"How can someone not understand caring?" asked Cheer Bear.

"Bad childhood" said Harry, "really nothing that can be done for him at this point" he continued offhandedly.

"I don't believe that Harry" declared Tenderheart, "It's never too late to start caring. Care Bears!"

The bears all looked resolved and stepped forward, drawing even with their leader.

"Care Bears, STARE" he cried.

The deatheaters watched in stupefaction as the symbols on the bears stomach glowed before firing multicolored beams of energy. The dark lord, veteran and victor of more than a hundred battles threw up a shield without even blinking. Sadly it did him no good as this was no magic he could shield against but the power of pure concentrated love.

The dark lord gave a clichéd cry of agony as the power of love and caring dissolved the body he had created with his dark and hateful magic, releasing the spirit within which, no longer possessing a strong enough tie to the realm of the living, passed on to its final judgment.

His minions could only look on in horror as their feared leader was destroyed by plush bears and the power of love.

"I think we might have overdone it a little" said a green bear with a four leafed clover on his tummy.

"Maybe" conceded Harry, "but I'm sure he's in a much happier place now."

"You really think so?" said Cheer Bear.

'No chance in hell' thought Harry, though he smiled and nodded.

"And ya know, I don't think Tom was the only one here who could use a little caring" said Harry looking at the assembled deatheaters who looked back in horror, many realizing what was about to happen.

"You mean…" started Tenderheart, turning to look at the frightful crowd starting to cower away.

"Honestly I've never seen a bigger group of sour grapes in all my life. I think the whole lot of them could use a great big hug" said Harry with a smile that sent chills down the spines of the hardened terrorists.

Tenderheart nodded, "Care bears, time to spread some caring."

With this pronouncement the whole crowd turned and fled, screaming in terror, none more loudly than the highly feared Bellatrix Lestrange who looked to be making some sort of speed record while wearing high heeled boots. Harry just watched, a glowing smile on his face, as his new friends went forth to spread their love and caring.

…

Death toll

1 eternally grumpy dark lord

1 highly feared dark minion
(well what do you expect, running through the woods at night in high heels?)

Final Count: 2

Side note: no other death eaters were killed in the making of this story though more than a few were traumatized for the rest of their lives. (So plush, so huggable, the horror…THE HORROR)

Authors Note: This is my first working series and will hopefully be run on a weekly updated basis. Unlike Not a Crapalogue or In the beginnings these are all edited final drafts so I hope that shows in the quality.

Thanks for reading, and see you next time.