One Tree Hill Fanfic:
By: friends of an avid Naley fan.
Haley James Scott had a son named James Lucas Scott. They lived in Tree Hill North Carolina. There was one tree in Tree Hill. Coincidentally, James, Haley, and her husband Nathan Scott lived under said tree. It was the biggest Willow tree in all of North Carolina. It was the only willow tree in North Carolina. In the biggest willow tree in North Carolina there was the biggest tree house in North Carolina. Nathan's brother Lucas lived in the tree house on the willow tree in North Carolina. And he was happy. Because he was happy, Nathan was happy. They were one big happy family under and in the biggest willow tree in North Carolina.
One day, Lucas turned on his Tree TV to discover that a hurricane was coming towards the biggest willow tree in Tree Hill, North Carolina. The hurricane was called Hurricane Saym, and it was the biggest baddest hurricane in the history of North Carolina. Haley panicked. She did the only thing she could do, she tied their house to the willow tree. Lucas tied the willow tree to the hill in Tree Hill. Haley came out of the house seeing him tying the tree to the hill and yelled: "you moron you can't tie a tree to a hill!"
This wasn't true, however, because James had tunnelled through the hill in Tree Hill, North Carolina with his play shovel and sand pail. After hearing this explanation Haley calmed down and went back in the house, which was now tied to the biggest willow tree in North Carolina, which was tied to the hill in Tree Hill.
Unfortunately, James was nowhere to be found.
Nathan and Haley searched everywhere under, within and around the willow tree, but could not find James. Suddenly, Brooke and Peyton appeared, without James.
"Have you seen James?" Haley wept.
"I have," said a voice that did not belong to Brooke or Peyton.
Carrie suddenly appeared from behind the willow tree. She had been in Haley and Nathan's pool nude, after appearing in an episode from season five.
"Where did you see him?"
"In the pool."
"While you were naked?" Haley asked in horror.
"I'm still naked," said Carrie bluntly.
"I hadn't noticed" Haley lied.
"But your husband, Nathan Scott did," Carrie smiled.
"You tramp!"
"Moi?"
"yes you, you cleavagey slutbag!"
"But I know where James is."
"I don't care where James is, get the fuck out from underneath my willow tree!"
"I'm actually beside the willow tree."
"Are there branches over your head?"
"There's a treehouse over my head."
"Then get the fuck out from underneath the tree house in my willow tree!"
"I don't see your name on the tree!"
"Nathan and I carved our initials on the tree"
"I used your initials to carve my name over it."
"There's no N in Carrie!" Haley was really pissed off now.
"No, but my full name is Carrie Nora SaraH Jeanine."
"You bitch! I hope Hurricane Saym rips you to shreds and tears off your cleavage!"
"But I'm a witch. Hurricanes don't affect me."
"It's too bad my favourite show Buffy the Vampire Slayer doesn't show how to kill witches or I would kill you myself. Plus tear off your cleavage!"
"Go ahead and tear it off. Plastic surgery is amazing these days," winked Carrie.
"It won't help though if I kill you."
"But I know where James is."
"Oh yeah I forgot he was missing."
"Good job with the taking care of your own kid. I'm his nanny and I ALWAYS know where he is."
"Well, tell me where he is or your fired."
"Nathan's too attracted to my cleavage to agree to that."
"Well I'll get breast implants then he will only have eyes and boners for me."
"He'll still like me better because mine are natural… right now."
"He's a ,man it won't matter."
"Does your man like Pam Anderson?"
"My man likes whatever he can get."
"I'm more adventurous in bed than you are so he'll be more attracted to me."
"I'll have you know that I'm a real tiger in the sack."
"Too much information!" Brooke suddenly exclaimed.
"You know what Brooke? I don't remember you having any complaints."
"No, but I DO." Said Peyton. "Why wasn't I invited?"
"Because you're a born again Emo-Christian. And emo's not my style."
"But I'm also a cheerleader like the two of you!"
"Pom poms don't turn me on."
"What about cheergasms?"
"What do cheergasms have to dp with anything?"
"I'm just as adventurous as that nanny!!"
"Alright if we survive Hurricane Saym I'll give you a roll in the sack, fair?"
"Cool beans."
"Now that's all settled, where is James?"
"Give me Nathan and I'll give you James' location," Carrie said.
"In that case…you can have James, we can always make another baby."
"I tied your fallopian tubes together while you were sleeping."
"Adopttion's always an option."
"I tampered with your record. You've been arrested several times for possession of drugs and child abuse… sexual child abuse."
"Well if we can't adopt then I'll just steal one the way you stole James."
"That's what the hitmen on your roof are watching out for."
"I'm sure Hurricane Saym will take care of them, in a kill them kind of way."
"I tied them to the treehouse that's tied to the tree, that's tied to the hill."
"But where is the Hill tied?"
"It's tied to the Canadian Shield."
"Damn! I was afraid of that!"
"And you should be."
"Then Nathan and I will have to move before Hurricane Saym gets here."
"My cleavage will stop you."
"How?"
"It'll stop Nathan, therefore stopping you."
"I'll drag him away if I have to,"
"I'll superglue myself to him."
"You're bluffing, you don't have any superglue."
"Oh, but I DO. It's part of my adventurousness in bed."
"Then I guess I concede defeat."
"Cool. Come on Nathan."
Out of nowhere Haley pulled out a gun that she just so happens to always keep in her pants. She pointed at Carrie the cleavagey slutbomb, and laughed, a lot.
"I always wondered why you had a bulge in your pants," Lucas commented offhandedly.
"Well you never know when some assclown is going to try and steal your man."
"You're bluffing. There are no bullets."
"Of course there are no bullets, I have no intention of shooting you. I plan to pistol whip you!"
"Well I happen to have a cast iron frying pan in my bag."
"Um…your bluffing. You don't have a bag your nude remember."
"Well there ARE places to put things into…"
"Not big enough to put a frying pan in, unless you're a total whore."
"Oh, I am."
"Nathan do you really want to be with a whore?"
Nathan salivated.
"Nevermind. You still can't have him, he's mine, even if I have to pistol whip to keep him."
"But then, there's the chance of a divorce and a REAL criminal record."
"He won't say anything, everyone knows abused spouses never leave."
"Okay, just make sure you don't pistol whip his lower regions."
"Of course not, that's my favourite part, and the only reason I'm keeping him."
Nathan started sobbing hysterically.
"Don't be such a pussy Nathan." Peyton said.
Nathan sobbed harder.
"Peyton's right, don't be such a pussy." Brooke said.
"Aww, it's okay to be a pussy. Nanny Carrie will take care of you."
"Yeah cause we all know that Nanny Carrie likes pussy." Said James above them.
"JAMES!" Haley screeched.
"I'm right here, I've been here the whole time, listening."
Haley ignored this, "But why do you know the word pussy?!"
"Carrie's a slut remember? I learned everything about sex by the time I was three."
"… Everything?" gulped Haley.
"Well I'm still unclear over why people shit on each other."
"Come darling, let me show you Two Girls One Cup," Carrie smiled, extending a hand out to James.
"I don't think so, I'd rather not be raped."
"Oh, okay, you go with Mommy. Nathan and I will go "wrestle"."
"No one's doing anything until Hurricane Saym is over." Lucas said.
Nathan sobbed hysterically.
"No more crying, everyone get in the house." Haley said, "everyone but Carrie, she can die in the storm for all I care."
"Fine, I'll go into the bomb shelter."
"There is no bomb shelter I had in filled with cement yesterday."
"Well, I guess it sucks. On the upside, I have the keys to your house."
"I had the locks changed while we were having this conversation."
"Yes, but that was a hitman who was changing the locks."
"Dammit!"
Carrie nodded sympathetically.
"Fine we can all go inside the house until the hurricane is over."
"Huzzah!"
They all went into the house, just as Hurricane Saym passed over head. The hitmen were still tied to the roof. Being tied to the roof kept them attached to the house, but the amount of rain that fell they drowned. Like rats. The Hurricane lasted for seven days and seven nights before subsiding. When the seventh day rolled around, a creepy girl crawled out of their television. So they killed her.
The sun came out. The sun was so bright and the day was so pretty, that Haley and Carrie decided to put their differences aside and share Nathan. They drew up a schedule that stated that from Monday to Saturday they would alternate, and then Sundays were "crazy adventurous threesome" days. And they all lived happily ever after under the biggest willow tree in North Carolina.
(Except James, who was scarred for life at the constant sexual activity in the house underneath the biggest willow tree in Tree Hill, North Carolina. )
The End