Because you can never have enough Elfman being manly.
Next chapter should come out pretty soon.
Also, holy shit this came out so much longer than I planned. No regrets.
Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail, because I'm still not cool enough.
Elfman surveyed the guild hall, not pleased with what he saw, not pleased at all (He added an extra 'not pleased' because he was really not pleased)
Where were all the men in this guild? He desperately searched for a man befitting the word but to no avail.
Elfman then came to the conclusion that in order to find a real man, he would need a mirror.
He glimpsed the image of a naked Gray fighting Natsu with a hysterical Juvia on the sidelines yelling something about Gray-Sama having to put clothes on and glaring at her love rival Lucy for daring to stare at Gray. "I'm really not" was all Lucy could mutter.
Elfman shook his head, Gray and Natsu were most definitely not manly, a fact he would often state when near them (Or yell it loudly across the guild hall, it didn't matter) much to their annoyance and anger. But as a man, he felt it was his duty to tell them.
He turned his head towards Juvia and Lucy, the former giving off a murderous aura while muttering about Gray-Sama and her love rival and heaven knows what else. Elfman thought she was crazy, she was powerful yes, but crazy wasn't manly, so Juvia had to step up her 'man game' if she wanted to be a part of the great hall of man.
…That is a real thing. Elfman had started it himself.
Poor Lucy had no idea what else to do, no amount of, "Juvia, I don't like Gray like that" or " uhm Juvia, you're kind of leaking" seemed to do anything to appease the water mage. So she turned on her heel and ran.
WHICH WAS NOT MANLY AT ALL. Dammit Lucy, hasn't he taught her anything? A true man never runs.
Lucy was going to get another man talk when he saw her.
The unmanly laugh of a certain iron dragon slayer pulled him out of his thoughts.
Gajeel was manlier than the rest of the unmanly bunch (a name he needed to get registered fast, because that shit is brilliant) but at the moment his exceed was manlier than him. Which upset Elfman greatly, because he saw Gajeel as his pupil, often putting his arm around the dragon slayer proclaiming the day to be a 'manly day' and talking about other manly stuff.
Which only resulted in a "What the fuck are you doing?" from the dragon slayer, while Elfman only laughed at this 'joke' between men.
Till this very day, Gajeel tries to avoid Elfman as often as he can, because he believes Elfman is insane.
At this moment, Gajeel was seated at his usual table in the corner with his exceed Lilly (Elfman had proclaimed Lilly to be the manliest cat he knew, a title which Lilly took with full honor, much to the horror of Gajeel) they were deep in conversation but Elfman noticed the unmanly glances that Gajeel was giving in Levy's direction.
A real man never glances at a woman, if he likes her, then he tells her, it's the way of the man.
It was then when he noticed his eyes had fallen on a certain brown haired mage. Elfman may have let out a manly squeak.
Look, he was not glancing at Evergreen. His eyes just happened to move and she just happened to be in the way. Stupid woman.
He turned his attention towards Levy's table. Her two stooges trying hard to get her attention, but the blue haired mage seemed too deep in thought to register what they were saying.
If Gajeel was (unknowingly) one of his top students, then Jet and Droy were his problem students. They were just not willing to learn the way of the man.
Hell, Levy was manlier than them, and have you seen her?
He then heard the usual clink of two heads being banged together by Erza, which signaled the end of the fight because Erza felt her cake was in danger of being ruined.
Erza. Now there was a man. Elfman remembered the time he accidently ruined her cake and shuddered at the memory.
There was just one small problem. The cake. It was a well-known fact that a true man never ate cake. No, cake was as unmanly as they came. A true man ate pie. A fact that Erza refused to acknowledge and it broke Elfmans' heart.
Finally his eyes shifted towards the thunder god legion. Body guards to Laxus, who Elfman agrees is pretty manly, but not as manly as himself.
Bickslow was manly enough, but his creepy dolls cost him man points. Real men don't play with toys.
..Unless it's limited edition, then it was allowed.
Then there was Freed. Elfman had no idea what the hell Freed was. But he did know that Freed needed to man up and also to STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM HIS SISTERS.
Finally there was Evergreen. All of Elfmans' instincts told him to get away from that woman. But he ended up staring at her anyways. (staring, not glancing, so it was manly)
That woman.
That was all he could think before being knocked to the ground by Natsu, having been punched by Gray.
And as he lay on the floor, Elfman decided then and there that he was going to shape up the guild and make them manlier, hell, he might even write a book in the process.
So after joining the fight between Gray and Natsu, he went home and bound some paper together, making sure the cover was the manliest leather he could find and in un neat writing wrote the title to his would be masterpiece.
The man's guide to being manly
In the next chapter
Chapter 1: The man's guide to getting the girl
The word 'man' is written about 29 times. Just let that sink in.