A/N: Not my usual characters but I like them. It's also a bit different than my ususal style... hope you like it anyway!
A Lot to Get Past
The clock on the wall told me he was late… only by a bit, but it was enough to put a knot in my stomach.
Our living room was still except for a large amount of clicking, and I was quite certain that the noise would be the end of me. Of course, I could end the sound at any time simply by putting down my knitting needles. My sad attempt at a blanket for the child I would soon have was hardly worth the effort, looking more like a triangular cape riddled with holes from battle than a source of comfort to a future baby. I sighed and threw the turquoise knot into the corner. Who's to say it will even be a boy? Tomorrow night I would try to knit a pink blanket.
The clicking didn't cease with my needles. I gave a sharp glance towards the old-fashioned clock that hung on the wall. My mother had given the Black family heirloom to Remus and I as a wedding present. Although she loathed anything to do with the family, she thoroughly enjoyed removing anything of value from their dark and cold house and peddling it away. What grandmother would say if she knew her clock lay in the house of a half-blood and a werewolf…
If it hadn't been a gift, I would have gladly drawn my wand and smashed it on the spot. Its continual clicking (or I suppose I click from a clock is called a tick?) was only drawing my attention to how much agonizing time was passing as I sat there alone in the living room. Unless you have sat alone in a still room with nothing to hear but click… click… click… then you can't possibly imagine how magnified and infinite the sound can seem.
Especially when you are waiting for someone.
I glanced around the scantily furnished room, seeing everything but taking nothing in. He had been gone a long time… longer than planned…
I tried to shake the thoughts from my head. In a spontaneous decision, I rose from my chair and waddled to the kitchen with my shoulders square, putting on a brave face although no one was there to see it. I summoned a large knife from the top drawer (Remus always gives a start when I do this in front of him, he assumes I will be clumsy and hurt myself) and began cutting a loaf of bread to make a sandwich, more to give myself something to do than anything else, to brush away the feelings of apprehension and guilt.
I believe I felt guilty more than anything because my worst thought was not that he could be hurt or even killed. My worst thought was that he might have decided to leave again, and that he may not come back this time.
Half of me knew these thoughts were silly. He had only gone to meet with Kingsley about Order business. They were meeting in a pub in a muggle town where they didn't have to worry about being overheard by anyone sinister. He would come back right when he was finished and give me a kiss on the cheek and we would talk about what we had done that day, falling asleep beside each other.
The other half of me got nervous every time he stepped out the door, praying it wouldn't be like that time when he left me a couple months ago and shattered my world.
"It's for your own good," he had told me. "I can't put you through that, or…" he stared at my midsection, unable to bring himself to talk about the baby he was so sure he had cursed.
I had cried and begged him like I had done so many times in the past, insisting that I loved him and he couldn't leave, giving up every ounce of dignity I still possessed to persuade him to stay, but he turned and went out the door, leaving it swinging back and forth behind him.
But he came back, I reminded myself. He came back after only a week and swore he loved me and would never leave again. And that's what matters. Like he will come back tonight as soon as he is done meeting Kingsley.
I realized that during my reverie, I had cut the entire loaf of bread into terribly uneven slices. I sighed again, setting down the knife and mourning over my terrible housework skills. I would never be the genteel and ladylike wife who could float about the kitchen, gracefully preparing a perfect meal.
Or knitting baby blankets that even resemble baby blankets.
I marched into the living room with my sandwich, refusing to look at the clock. Instead I stared at our decrepit front door, willing it to creak open so I could see Remus poking his head in with a cheery " 'ello, Love."
But all I heard was ticking.
Without my brain giving me any warning as to what was coming next, I burst into tears.
Why couldn't I get past this? He told me a million times he was sorry and a fool. He had begged me, for a change. He had said he loved me and for the first time since I knew him, I could really see it in his eyes. I wanted to believe with every fiber in my being that he wouldn't do it again. I told him I trusted him, but it was a lie. I couldn't make myself trust him, because no matter how perfect and seamless things were when we were together, it fell apart every time he stepped out the door.
It could be the most innocent reason, like going to meet Kingsley to talk about the Ministry and Hogwarts. Every time felt like he might not come back.
I had been sobbing into my hands for several minutes when I heard the door creak I had been waiting for. I jumped in my seat and scrambled to hide my red eyes and tear-streaked face, but I knew he had seen. He stood there in the doorway staring at me, silhouetted by the approaching twilight behind him.
For a moment, we sat there listening to the click… click… click of the bloody clock.
Then "What's the matter, Love?"
"It's nothing." I wiped my face again and smiled up at him. "Would you like me to make you a sandwich?"
He walked over to me and wrapped me in his arms as I gave in to tears once more.
"It's just that… when you first came back, I was glad, but I was angry and had been alone for awhile, so I had seen that I would survive without you when I didn't think I could before. I felt strong because I would be ok if you did it again, so when you said you wouldn't leave, I took it for granted. Now we're together again and I am starting to feel so attached to you again! I am no longer sure that I could survive without you. So the idea that you could do it again scares me so badly because I don't know how I'll get through this time. And that makes me feel so helpless…"
"But I won't leave… I won't be that stupid again!"
"I know I'm supposed to trust you but it's so frightening… you can't understand…"
He stared at his feet and I saw him swallow hard. He was quiet for a long time. I wanted him to make me feel better.
"Remus…?"
"Tonks… I just… it makes me feel so terrible to hear you say that you are supposed to trust me, like you have to, and can't do it. And it kills me to know that this stupid thing is just always going to be there… it will never go away." His voice sounded hollow and dead.
Now I wanted nothing more than to comfort him. "Please… I'm sorry… I'm really sorry…"
"Don't be sorry. It was my mistake. You have nothing to be sorry for. I never should have left."
I didn't know what else to do... he sounded like he was going to give up, and what would that mean for me? I had to be wrong about this... and i had to convince him. "It's ok. I will get over it. It hasn't been very long and I'm still just paranoid. I'm sorry… I promise this will get better. It will go away." I was telling myself as much as him, but under my words I heard myself pleading for him not to give up.
I heard him take a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I love you so much…" he said, holding me tightly.
"I know. I love you too… I'm just not myself when I'm not with you."
He smiled. It felt like things were already getting better, and I knew they would be perfect someday. Thay had to be, because right then, with my head on his chest and both of us falling asleep to the rhythm of the clock, I felt inexplicably happy just to have him for that moment, if nothing else.
But I knew that next time he had to go out to buy eggs and cheese at the market or visit the Burrow that I'd be here again, sitting in my chair and staring restlessly at the clock.
Waiting.