I own this song and story PLEASE don't take either one. Copy right 2002:
Patty Hillard and Andrew Buckner But if you want to use my song then please
ask me. Flames welcome. If you think I should do a follow up chapter let me
know at my email: Tainted_Souls_N_Tarnished_Dreams@hotmail.com
Tuesday, March 12 2002 12:44 am
"And Still I Go On"
I look up as I hear the slamming of the door. 'Oh God, he's home!'
I brace myself for his entrance. He is drunk again and he doesn't look happy. "He...Hello dear. How was your n...night?" He just glares at me before he starts yelling. "YOU! YOU STUPID BITCH! I KNOW YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME WITH STEPHEN!" 'Oh no he thinks I'm dating my best friend. Shit!' "NO I'M NOT! I SWEAR TO GOD I'M NOT CHEATING ON YOU!" * SMACK * 'Shit! Now he's hitting me. Don't cry Trish, don't cry.' He hits me in the face again and I slammed into the wall. I looked at him getting undressed before I pass out. My last conscious thought is 'Please don't rape me, leave me alone.'
* You won't believe how hard he hit me last night. It was almost as if I was nothing. Nothing at all! And still he had the nerve to say he loved me! As if someone who really loves me would even think of laying his hands on me! *
How I dreaded this song. It was the truth tho'. As I hear it playing in the background I realize I'm telling Andy the same exact words and his reply is the same. How can Soul Intent and Lady Freeze know my life so well? Andy hugs me as I start to cry. The makeup can't hide my bruises that well so it doesn't matter weather or not I cry.
* Why do you let him do this too you? You don't have to put up with this from any man no matter who he is! No man who could do something like that to you deserves to have you stay with him. Let alone call himself a man! Why do you always put up with this? *
Again he beats me only tonight he kicks me in the stomach. But do you know what brought it on this time? He wasn't drunk no not at all. He's very much sober. He's mad because I just told him I'm pregnant. He just snapped. "YOU FUCKING BITCH! WHO'D YOU FUCK? WHO'S KID IS IT? HUH? IS IT ANDY'S? OR NO I KNOW Its JON'S ISN'T IT?" I can't take this anymore. I just want to leave and never come back.
*Listen... *
Today was the saddest day ever. I was rushed to the hospital, due to internal bleeding. Only to find out that I'd miscarried my baby. I was trying to move some boxes up the stairs because Lee refused to. And the weight of the box was too much. I slipped and got pinned between the wall and the box. My brother Tom came over to see me bleeding on the floor. To bad he also saw the bruises and that Lee was home. He thinks I date my brother as well.
* Why did I have to suffer from such a fate?
Why did I have to be raped?
Why don't you see that my heart is broke, oh please tell me, why can't you see?
Did you not know that my daughter did go on to heaven's gate, why was I too late?
I could have saved her had I been aware of the danger that was there.
Did you not see the pain in my eyes when I said my baby has died?
Did you not know that god took her from me?
Why had I been the one to miscarry my baby? *
I sit and cry because I realize that I lost my third child. And yet again it was Lee's fault. The first time I thought it was an accident. That He didn't see me there when he punched at the air behind him. The second I thought was an accident to. I just thought he couldn't see the bump on the path in the woods. And I fell off the 4-wheeler because I wasn't holding on tight enough. That was before they told me I was pregnant again.
* Dead by 13, the average life-span
Of a child lost to innocence and the true value of a man
For so many children lie hopeless and grieving
And so many men and so many women die ruthless and unbelieving
Estranged from truth, the necessity of education deceiving
To the un-relieving cries of a hypocritical generation
That withers and dies amidst the blatant ignorance of senseless degradation *
The thought of dying at 13 had come to my mind many times. Even then I dated Lee. For four years now we have been together almost five and he didn't abuse me until he started drinking. So I blamed it on the drugs and alcohol he was always doing. How come I never realized it was something more? That I'd be treated like some cheap whore?
* Defenseless to this incessant, hate ridden, moral genocide
In a sense, the day they robbed you of your innocence they robbed you of both your spirit and your pride
For strength, intelligence, life, love and revolutionary defense so powerfully consume
This glorious mind, awaiting life, to misery blind, murdered in the womb *
The death of my mother pushed me to stay with Lee even after he started to abuse me. For at the time he seemed to me, to be the only one who cared. So I continued to date him and to love him. Why was I so foolish?
* For you suffered a fate far worse than hateful deceiving
They caged you like an animal, enraged, beaten and left to die wretched and grieving
Raped, abused, mistreated, defeated and used
Praying for an escape, or the day your death would come spread it's bitter news
For the pain in your heart and the misery in which you dwell
Are but faint echoes of a life so ruthlessly torn apart by the merciless hand of a woman living in hell *
Today was like every other. He came in harsh words were said and he abused me. He saw the fresh drops of blood on my throat, wrists, and stomach and yelled again. He then laughed and backhanded me. "I hope you die, bitch, you don't deserve to live. You are not worthy of a life. And I'm too good for you. You don't deserve me. You deserve to die. And I hope you do. You worthless, good for nothing wench." And then he spits on me. And for good measure he kicks me in the face along the temple.
* And these brooding scars on your stomach, neck and wrists
Are but remnants of the broadening fear and abhorrent realization
That this is not the way GOD meant us to exist
For I've seen the jealousy, envy and rage, and related to your temptation
I saw deep within you that same wounded animal infuriated and caged, and called upon a nation
For every woman is and should be treated like a queen
And every REAL MAN an inspiration
For true love lay to the naked eye unseen
And to the cold-hearted an unknown sensation *
Andy and mom always said that Jon loved me. And just like the first time they told me I laughed in his face again today and said "Jonny doesn't love me. I'm just a little sister to him. He's… he's protective over me. That's all." If only I could believe them maybe I'd be treated better.
* Just a breath of freedom, hear my cries
Between death and God's kingdom, salvation lies
For all my woes are as the tears of a child unborn
And all my tomorrows are but mere sorrows unwarned
For I am constantly struggling to find
Something in attainable, something akin to peace of mind
And although the promise of salvation is hopeless and gone
And the eyes of a generation seek promise from a desolate dawn
Still I go on *
He came in again tonight and like every night he beat me. Only there was a slight difference. He had a knife and he held it to my throat. "If I EVER see you with another man, talk to another man, look at another man or anything to do with another male, I will KILL you! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? Not even your brother. If I see you with anyone, if you tell anyone you will die. And that's a promise that I WILL keep." He walked back out of the house grabbing only his car keys. I know there's a key under the doormat, so it doesn't matter. I just can't take this pain anymore. I walk into the living room and lock the doors. Just as I go to, go to my room I see his knife laying on the table. I pick it up. It's so sharp. I wonder if it's sharp enough to cut flesh. I walk into my nursery I had set up for my daughter last month, and think for a minute. I start to cry as I suddenly feel the pain from the bruises he left.
* I sit in my room, I'm just crying away. He hit me again today and this time he held a knife to my throat. He swore he'd kill me the next time I talk to another guy. So I sit and cry I think of calling my brother but I wanna be alive. I sit alone like I usually do at night and contemplate suicide. I leave my room, lock the doors and grab his knife. I sit in the nursery and I see the baby things I had for my daughter. It tears me apart. I cut my wrists and watch the blood flow. What do I do now? There is too much pain. I start to faint when I hear my door kicked in and see my best friend standing in the doorway. He picks me up as I faint away. *
I decide then and there that I want this pain to end. I want to be with my daughter, and my family. I sit next to the crib on the floor and look around the room. Someday it would have been filled with laughter from a baby. I'm ready to go. I hear a car pull up. And take the knife and cut deep into the flesh on my wrists and throat. Looking at the blood and feeling the pain I cry. Suddenly I hear my door unlock and see Jonny standing there in the doorway to the nursery. He looks frightened. Oh well he deserves to be scared he never helped me when Lee abused me. All I see now is darkness and I hear very faint crying.
* Why does this pain in my heart appear whenever you are near? Is it love that I fear? I see clearly at the end of the tunnel a light full of warmth and then at the other end I see my best friend crying and holding me tight. Where do I go from here? Do I go on to my baby or go back to my true love? I ask you God to please help me choose. Win or lose help me chose. *
I'm scared it's so cold where I am. I see a bright light up ahead. I start to walk towards it when I hear crying. I look behind me and see Jon. He's holding me close and he's crying? Why is he crying? He shouldn't ever cry he's too perfect to have to cry. And Andy and Tom? What's happened that they are all crying? "Mommy?" I turn around to see my daughter but she's grown up? "Eden? Is that you? Honey I'm so sorry I didn't mean to kill you. I never meant to drop that box. Please forgive me?" "Mommy it's ok. Believe me. God saw how bad Daddy was hurting you and said that he wanted me to come home to be safe until you are with someone who will treat you right." I start to walk to her to hold her and join her in heaven when she stops me. "No mommy don't. Please? I'm meant to be born to you. And that means that you have to stay alive. The closer to the light you get the farther from life you are. Please mommy go back. My real daddy needs you to show him real love. As well as Uncle Tommy he needs to know real love not abuse. The kind they were never shown growing up. Now go, please, go back to daddy and Uncle Tom." I walk back into the dark and head towards the opening, towards life and towards Jon. Now I know why my heart would always hurt when he was around. I'm in love with him and I've denied it for 4 years. I'm not going to deny my love for him any longer. It's time for me to go home!
* Striving to maintain sanity, optimism, hope, and ruthless humanity
Internal peace, external pride and maternal vanity
She lay senseless, defenseless, in a sense by innocence driven,
Incessantly begging the Lord to be forgiven as she heard she had an only one in ten chance of living*
I was always looking for true love. Well now I know that I've found it. I awake to find myself alone in a hospital room. No wait I'm not alone someone is standing in the shadows. "H…hello? Who's there? Jon is that you?" I hear a evil laugh then, "No my dear it's not your precious Jonathan. So glad to see you're alive. But unfortunately you won't be for long. Time to die my sweet Trish." Oh no it's Lee. How'd he know? Shit he has a knife. "Help someone please help!" He runs and jumps on top of me. "Not so fast Trish. You see I'm going to have some fun with you first. See you always were a good fuck unconscious so I want to see how GOOD you are awake." My eyes widen he's going to rape me before he kills me. I bite his hand and scream again. He cuts my throat a second time, just as two cops run in with Jon in the lead, and I feel as though I cannot breathe. They pull Lee off and he stabs the first cop in the arm. The second shoots him in the shoulder and then knocks him unconscious just as I faint from the blood loss.
*Through the entrancing misery, overbearing stress and enduring pain
Consuming her final breaths, maddening her heart, clouding her brain
Driving her to question the Lord and her faith and whether or not she was sane. Living in constant physical and emotional strain
As she became overwrought with reminiscent thoughts
Of heaven and the unbounded serenity she once sought
With profound visions of adolescence
And the ironclad prison that has become her lifelong essence
They never knew her long but they compared her life to a burdensome song *
'They always said in school that my life was like a song. A burdensome song that has no end until I find true love. I wonder if I was ever meant to be alive.'
*As the man goes to jail, for putting her through hell. Incense burn above her head as everybody thinks she's dead. She's headstrong hoping their dead wrong, praying to god she'll stay alive. *
I wake a few days later to see Jon, Tom, Andy and my cousin standing there. "Hi Tiffany. How are you? What are you doing here?" I asked her. "Well I came to see you for one." Just then a doctor comes in with a officer in tow. "Miss I need your friends to leave the room for now please?" They look at me and walk out as the officer asks if I want to press charges on Lee. "Yes officer and I'd like to confess all he's done for the last four years to me."
*Just a breath of freedom, hear my cries
Between death and God's kingdom, salvation lies
For all my woes are as the tears of a child unborn
And all my tomorrows are but mere sorrows unwarned
For I am constantly struggling to find
Something in attainable, something akin to peace of mind
And although the promise of salvation is hopeless and gone
And the eyes of a generation seek promise from a desolate dawn
Still I go on *
He's finally gone to jail. I've been in and out of court everyday for the last six months. I'm tired from all the hustle. And yet I'm happy he has been sentenced on three counts of murder of an unborn child, assault and battery, five charges of rape of a girl at work and me, assault on an officer, and attempted murder. He received the death penalty and a life sentence.
*And Still I go on *
It's been over a year now Lee was executed back in May. And I'm engaged to Jon. We are expecting twins. Which are due on November 13. But for some reason I think that, Eden Serenity and Jon Jr. will be here early. I think that our wedding gift will be our son and daughter being born. Since the news came in time for both our birthdays. I just hope they will be happy and healthy. I know that Eden will be happy. She'll finally be born to her REAL father and not to Lee.
The End.
Tuesday, March 12 2002 12:44 am
"And Still I Go On"
I look up as I hear the slamming of the door. 'Oh God, he's home!'
I brace myself for his entrance. He is drunk again and he doesn't look happy. "He...Hello dear. How was your n...night?" He just glares at me before he starts yelling. "YOU! YOU STUPID BITCH! I KNOW YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME WITH STEPHEN!" 'Oh no he thinks I'm dating my best friend. Shit!' "NO I'M NOT! I SWEAR TO GOD I'M NOT CHEATING ON YOU!" * SMACK * 'Shit! Now he's hitting me. Don't cry Trish, don't cry.' He hits me in the face again and I slammed into the wall. I looked at him getting undressed before I pass out. My last conscious thought is 'Please don't rape me, leave me alone.'
* You won't believe how hard he hit me last night. It was almost as if I was nothing. Nothing at all! And still he had the nerve to say he loved me! As if someone who really loves me would even think of laying his hands on me! *
How I dreaded this song. It was the truth tho'. As I hear it playing in the background I realize I'm telling Andy the same exact words and his reply is the same. How can Soul Intent and Lady Freeze know my life so well? Andy hugs me as I start to cry. The makeup can't hide my bruises that well so it doesn't matter weather or not I cry.
* Why do you let him do this too you? You don't have to put up with this from any man no matter who he is! No man who could do something like that to you deserves to have you stay with him. Let alone call himself a man! Why do you always put up with this? *
Again he beats me only tonight he kicks me in the stomach. But do you know what brought it on this time? He wasn't drunk no not at all. He's very much sober. He's mad because I just told him I'm pregnant. He just snapped. "YOU FUCKING BITCH! WHO'D YOU FUCK? WHO'S KID IS IT? HUH? IS IT ANDY'S? OR NO I KNOW Its JON'S ISN'T IT?" I can't take this anymore. I just want to leave and never come back.
*Listen... *
Today was the saddest day ever. I was rushed to the hospital, due to internal bleeding. Only to find out that I'd miscarried my baby. I was trying to move some boxes up the stairs because Lee refused to. And the weight of the box was too much. I slipped and got pinned between the wall and the box. My brother Tom came over to see me bleeding on the floor. To bad he also saw the bruises and that Lee was home. He thinks I date my brother as well.
* Why did I have to suffer from such a fate?
Why did I have to be raped?
Why don't you see that my heart is broke, oh please tell me, why can't you see?
Did you not know that my daughter did go on to heaven's gate, why was I too late?
I could have saved her had I been aware of the danger that was there.
Did you not see the pain in my eyes when I said my baby has died?
Did you not know that god took her from me?
Why had I been the one to miscarry my baby? *
I sit and cry because I realize that I lost my third child. And yet again it was Lee's fault. The first time I thought it was an accident. That He didn't see me there when he punched at the air behind him. The second I thought was an accident to. I just thought he couldn't see the bump on the path in the woods. And I fell off the 4-wheeler because I wasn't holding on tight enough. That was before they told me I was pregnant again.
* Dead by 13, the average life-span
Of a child lost to innocence and the true value of a man
For so many children lie hopeless and grieving
And so many men and so many women die ruthless and unbelieving
Estranged from truth, the necessity of education deceiving
To the un-relieving cries of a hypocritical generation
That withers and dies amidst the blatant ignorance of senseless degradation *
The thought of dying at 13 had come to my mind many times. Even then I dated Lee. For four years now we have been together almost five and he didn't abuse me until he started drinking. So I blamed it on the drugs and alcohol he was always doing. How come I never realized it was something more? That I'd be treated like some cheap whore?
* Defenseless to this incessant, hate ridden, moral genocide
In a sense, the day they robbed you of your innocence they robbed you of both your spirit and your pride
For strength, intelligence, life, love and revolutionary defense so powerfully consume
This glorious mind, awaiting life, to misery blind, murdered in the womb *
The death of my mother pushed me to stay with Lee even after he started to abuse me. For at the time he seemed to me, to be the only one who cared. So I continued to date him and to love him. Why was I so foolish?
* For you suffered a fate far worse than hateful deceiving
They caged you like an animal, enraged, beaten and left to die wretched and grieving
Raped, abused, mistreated, defeated and used
Praying for an escape, or the day your death would come spread it's bitter news
For the pain in your heart and the misery in which you dwell
Are but faint echoes of a life so ruthlessly torn apart by the merciless hand of a woman living in hell *
Today was like every other. He came in harsh words were said and he abused me. He saw the fresh drops of blood on my throat, wrists, and stomach and yelled again. He then laughed and backhanded me. "I hope you die, bitch, you don't deserve to live. You are not worthy of a life. And I'm too good for you. You don't deserve me. You deserve to die. And I hope you do. You worthless, good for nothing wench." And then he spits on me. And for good measure he kicks me in the face along the temple.
* And these brooding scars on your stomach, neck and wrists
Are but remnants of the broadening fear and abhorrent realization
That this is not the way GOD meant us to exist
For I've seen the jealousy, envy and rage, and related to your temptation
I saw deep within you that same wounded animal infuriated and caged, and called upon a nation
For every woman is and should be treated like a queen
And every REAL MAN an inspiration
For true love lay to the naked eye unseen
And to the cold-hearted an unknown sensation *
Andy and mom always said that Jon loved me. And just like the first time they told me I laughed in his face again today and said "Jonny doesn't love me. I'm just a little sister to him. He's… he's protective over me. That's all." If only I could believe them maybe I'd be treated better.
* Just a breath of freedom, hear my cries
Between death and God's kingdom, salvation lies
For all my woes are as the tears of a child unborn
And all my tomorrows are but mere sorrows unwarned
For I am constantly struggling to find
Something in attainable, something akin to peace of mind
And although the promise of salvation is hopeless and gone
And the eyes of a generation seek promise from a desolate dawn
Still I go on *
He came in again tonight and like every night he beat me. Only there was a slight difference. He had a knife and he held it to my throat. "If I EVER see you with another man, talk to another man, look at another man or anything to do with another male, I will KILL you! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? Not even your brother. If I see you with anyone, if you tell anyone you will die. And that's a promise that I WILL keep." He walked back out of the house grabbing only his car keys. I know there's a key under the doormat, so it doesn't matter. I just can't take this pain anymore. I walk into the living room and lock the doors. Just as I go to, go to my room I see his knife laying on the table. I pick it up. It's so sharp. I wonder if it's sharp enough to cut flesh. I walk into my nursery I had set up for my daughter last month, and think for a minute. I start to cry as I suddenly feel the pain from the bruises he left.
* I sit in my room, I'm just crying away. He hit me again today and this time he held a knife to my throat. He swore he'd kill me the next time I talk to another guy. So I sit and cry I think of calling my brother but I wanna be alive. I sit alone like I usually do at night and contemplate suicide. I leave my room, lock the doors and grab his knife. I sit in the nursery and I see the baby things I had for my daughter. It tears me apart. I cut my wrists and watch the blood flow. What do I do now? There is too much pain. I start to faint when I hear my door kicked in and see my best friend standing in the doorway. He picks me up as I faint away. *
I decide then and there that I want this pain to end. I want to be with my daughter, and my family. I sit next to the crib on the floor and look around the room. Someday it would have been filled with laughter from a baby. I'm ready to go. I hear a car pull up. And take the knife and cut deep into the flesh on my wrists and throat. Looking at the blood and feeling the pain I cry. Suddenly I hear my door unlock and see Jonny standing there in the doorway to the nursery. He looks frightened. Oh well he deserves to be scared he never helped me when Lee abused me. All I see now is darkness and I hear very faint crying.
* Why does this pain in my heart appear whenever you are near? Is it love that I fear? I see clearly at the end of the tunnel a light full of warmth and then at the other end I see my best friend crying and holding me tight. Where do I go from here? Do I go on to my baby or go back to my true love? I ask you God to please help me choose. Win or lose help me chose. *
I'm scared it's so cold where I am. I see a bright light up ahead. I start to walk towards it when I hear crying. I look behind me and see Jon. He's holding me close and he's crying? Why is he crying? He shouldn't ever cry he's too perfect to have to cry. And Andy and Tom? What's happened that they are all crying? "Mommy?" I turn around to see my daughter but she's grown up? "Eden? Is that you? Honey I'm so sorry I didn't mean to kill you. I never meant to drop that box. Please forgive me?" "Mommy it's ok. Believe me. God saw how bad Daddy was hurting you and said that he wanted me to come home to be safe until you are with someone who will treat you right." I start to walk to her to hold her and join her in heaven when she stops me. "No mommy don't. Please? I'm meant to be born to you. And that means that you have to stay alive. The closer to the light you get the farther from life you are. Please mommy go back. My real daddy needs you to show him real love. As well as Uncle Tommy he needs to know real love not abuse. The kind they were never shown growing up. Now go, please, go back to daddy and Uncle Tom." I walk back into the dark and head towards the opening, towards life and towards Jon. Now I know why my heart would always hurt when he was around. I'm in love with him and I've denied it for 4 years. I'm not going to deny my love for him any longer. It's time for me to go home!
* Striving to maintain sanity, optimism, hope, and ruthless humanity
Internal peace, external pride and maternal vanity
She lay senseless, defenseless, in a sense by innocence driven,
Incessantly begging the Lord to be forgiven as she heard she had an only one in ten chance of living*
I was always looking for true love. Well now I know that I've found it. I awake to find myself alone in a hospital room. No wait I'm not alone someone is standing in the shadows. "H…hello? Who's there? Jon is that you?" I hear a evil laugh then, "No my dear it's not your precious Jonathan. So glad to see you're alive. But unfortunately you won't be for long. Time to die my sweet Trish." Oh no it's Lee. How'd he know? Shit he has a knife. "Help someone please help!" He runs and jumps on top of me. "Not so fast Trish. You see I'm going to have some fun with you first. See you always were a good fuck unconscious so I want to see how GOOD you are awake." My eyes widen he's going to rape me before he kills me. I bite his hand and scream again. He cuts my throat a second time, just as two cops run in with Jon in the lead, and I feel as though I cannot breathe. They pull Lee off and he stabs the first cop in the arm. The second shoots him in the shoulder and then knocks him unconscious just as I faint from the blood loss.
*Through the entrancing misery, overbearing stress and enduring pain
Consuming her final breaths, maddening her heart, clouding her brain
Driving her to question the Lord and her faith and whether or not she was sane. Living in constant physical and emotional strain
As she became overwrought with reminiscent thoughts
Of heaven and the unbounded serenity she once sought
With profound visions of adolescence
And the ironclad prison that has become her lifelong essence
They never knew her long but they compared her life to a burdensome song *
'They always said in school that my life was like a song. A burdensome song that has no end until I find true love. I wonder if I was ever meant to be alive.'
*As the man goes to jail, for putting her through hell. Incense burn above her head as everybody thinks she's dead. She's headstrong hoping their dead wrong, praying to god she'll stay alive. *
I wake a few days later to see Jon, Tom, Andy and my cousin standing there. "Hi Tiffany. How are you? What are you doing here?" I asked her. "Well I came to see you for one." Just then a doctor comes in with a officer in tow. "Miss I need your friends to leave the room for now please?" They look at me and walk out as the officer asks if I want to press charges on Lee. "Yes officer and I'd like to confess all he's done for the last four years to me."
*Just a breath of freedom, hear my cries
Between death and God's kingdom, salvation lies
For all my woes are as the tears of a child unborn
And all my tomorrows are but mere sorrows unwarned
For I am constantly struggling to find
Something in attainable, something akin to peace of mind
And although the promise of salvation is hopeless and gone
And the eyes of a generation seek promise from a desolate dawn
Still I go on *
He's finally gone to jail. I've been in and out of court everyday for the last six months. I'm tired from all the hustle. And yet I'm happy he has been sentenced on three counts of murder of an unborn child, assault and battery, five charges of rape of a girl at work and me, assault on an officer, and attempted murder. He received the death penalty and a life sentence.
*And Still I go on *
It's been over a year now Lee was executed back in May. And I'm engaged to Jon. We are expecting twins. Which are due on November 13. But for some reason I think that, Eden Serenity and Jon Jr. will be here early. I think that our wedding gift will be our son and daughter being born. Since the news came in time for both our birthdays. I just hope they will be happy and healthy. I know that Eden will be happy. She'll finally be born to her REAL father and not to Lee.
The End.