The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has gone on vacation. I just had a mad thought of what a Cobra getaway would be like. Like Sideways with explosives. And a little more off camera adult situations. So here is a travel diary of insanity as we go…
On The Road With Cobra Commander
Day 1:
"I can't believe it's come to this…" Zartan moaned as he saw his future. "Cobra living in an RV."
"It's a rather nice RV," Mindbender said. He was wearing a blue shirt with a jean jacket, jeans, black boots, blue skull cap and glasses. "We're using two state of the art RV Recon Vehicles specially made for Cobra Missions for our elite troops."
"Which we no longer have," Zartan frowned as he folded his arms. He glared at the large black and brown RV in front of them. "This is just like my childhood all over again."
"Better I hope," Xamot remarked as he walked up with his brother. The two of them had changed out of their usual uniforms to matching red shirts, black jeans, black boots and jean shirts.
"Aren't you going to change into something less…" Tomax pointed at Zartan's usual uniform.
"Conspicuous?" Xamot added.
"Oh yes, unlike all of you who will blend in perfectly," Zartan rolled his eyes.
"Speaking of blending in where are the Dreadnoks?" Mindbender asked.
"Yes Zartan shouldn't you be…?" Tomax began.
"Supervising your so called elite team?" Xamot asked.
"I put them on the second RV with my sister and brother in charge," Zartan pointed. "If you two think I am going to leave you alone with Cobra Commander and try to weasel your way into a position you don't deserve…"
"We don't deserve?" Xamot bristled.
"Look who's talking!" Tomax agreed. "How many times have you bailed on your duties when the money ran out?"
"I stopped counting at twenty seven," Xamot snorted.
"At least I was honest about my services and didn't embezzle funds left and right to fund my own projects!" Zartan snarled.
"You can't prove that," Xamot frowned.
"Try me!" Zartan snapped.
"Now hold on," Mindbender got between them. "This is no time to be bickering about who is going to be second in command now that Destro and the Baroness have gone!"
"He's right," Tomax admitted.
"We have to flee this hideout before the authorities arrive," Xamot agreed.
"Knowing the Baroness I wouldn't be surprised if that bitch already called them and tipped them off," Zartan grumbled. "As distasteful as these RV's are, at least it's a backup plan."
"Until we find a better hideout," Xamot nodded "By the way…"
"Where is Cobra Commander?" Tomax asked.
"Oh that reminds me," Mindbender said. "I have a surprise for all of you in the camper. Come on in!"
"Another surprise? Oh goody…" Zartan rolled his eyes as they went inside the RV.
"At least its large inside," Tomax remarked as they entered the state of the art RV.
"Better than I thought."
"What?" Xamot turned and saw a bald man with blue eyes. He had a rather thin build and was sitting next to a cooler. He was wearing a white shirt with a jean jacket, a pair of jeans and sneakers.
"Who the hell is this?" Zartan shouted and pointed to the figure. "Who are you and what are you doing here?"
"Giving you your surprise Mindbender promised. Surprise!" The man made a familiar hiss with a smile.
"Cobra Commander? Is that you?" Zartan gasped.
"In the flesh so to speak," He stood up. "Ta da!"
"How…?" Zartan's mouth was open.
"By using the latest combinations of latex mask and nanite technology I have devised a special form fitting face mask for Cobra Commander," Mindbender grinned.
"That's a mask?" Zartan was surprised.
"Well I could hardly go out in my usual attire and be inconspicuous on a road trip could I?" Cobra Commander said. "That's all I need. For the National Inquisitor to snap bad pictures of me in my uniform coming out of an RV! Yeah, that would be great for my reputation!"
"Can't get any worse than it already is," Tomax said.
"Wanna bet?" Cobra Commander looked at them. "Cobra's already 147th on the terrorist list! If people found out we're basically homeless our stock would drop lower than…Well lower than most of the stock that's already out there."
"It's impressive Mindbender," Zartan whistled.
"Thank you," Mindbender grinned. "Some of my best work."
"Considering the quality of the majority of your inventions that's not exactly a high standard to beat," Zartan gave him a look.
"He looks almost exactly like that guy who plays the Dean on Community," Xamot blinked.
"Only without glasses," Tomax nodded. "But what about your skin?"
"Isn't your skin…?" Xamot began.
"Blue? You know being from Cobra La?" Tomax added.
"Specialized body spray," Mindbender said. "You know like those spray tans? Only this won't wash off or fade for at least two months."
"I got the whole Brazilian baby," Cobra Commander smirked as he went to the front of the vehicle. "Every square inch of my perfect body is paled and ready to go!"
"Paled?" Zartan asked.
"The opposite of tanned," Cobra Commander said as he picked up a bottle of water from the cooler. "Look I want to get laid at least once on this trip. I think it might raise a few questions if someone notices my balls are literally blue."
"Too much information Cobra Commander," Xamot winced.
"Way too much information," Tomax moaned.
"Is all that body spray safe?" Xamot asked.
"Safe-ish," Mindbender shrugged. "As long as he doesn't stay in direct sunlight for too long he'll be fine."
"So now Cobra Commander can go out without his mask and be…less conspicuous," Zartan remarked.
"Makes eating and drinking a lot easier too," Cobra Commander took a swig of water. "I don't know why I didn't think of this years ago!"
"Because we didn't have the right technology to do it until recently," Mindbender said.
"Details, details…" Cobra Commander waved. "You know, the Baroness possibly squealing on us may be a blessing in disguise after all?"
"Don't tell me you're actually looking forward to this?" Zartan was stunned.
"Why not? We've been all over the world. It couldn't hurt to see more of America before we take it over," Cobra Commander said. "Besides I've been cooped up underground in that chicken hole far too long. It'll be good to get out and see the world a bit."
"That's not water in your bottle is it?" Zartan sighed.
"Nope. Vodka," Cobra Commander grinned. "Mother's little enabler."
"My mother drank vodka all the time," A muffled voice came from somewhere. "I almost miss her shrieking voice."
"Who the hell…?" Cobra Commander looked around and then noticed something covered in a blanket on a chair nearby. He picked up the blanket.
"Surprise!" Crystal Ball, the disembodied ghost head residing in a crystal ball called out.
"AAAAAH!" Cobra Commander yelled. "What the hell is he doing here?"
"Currently I'm being yelled at by a Moby Impersonator," Crystal Ball quipped.
"I thought we'd bring him with us," Mindbender said.
"Why?" Zartan snapped.
"I've kind of gotten used to him," Mindbender admitted. "Sometimes it's just nice to have someone to talk to in the lab you don't have to worry about accidentally killing."
"Oh great. Just what we need on this bus," Cobra Commander groaned. "A dead guy that won't take the hint."
"It's not a bus. It's an RV," Crystal Ball corrected him.
"Whatever. It's big and it's got wheels and a cooler full of alcohol. That's all I care about!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Are there any other surprises you have Mindbender?" Zartan asked.
"Just Eddie," Mindbender shrugged.
"Who the hell is Eddie?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Our living garbage disposal," Mindbender pointed to a hole in a nearby sink. "A biochemical protoplasmic entity that dissolves nearly everything it touches with the exception of the container."
"Uh FYI," Crystal Ball said. "You do not want to put your hand in there."
"Or any unstable chemicals," Mindbender said. "But normal trash is okay."
"Wonderful," Zartan groaned as he got behind the wheel.
"This RV seems to have all the amenities," Tomax remarked as he looked everything over. "A bathroom, kitchen unit…"
"Rocket launchers, laser weapons…" Xamot added.
"Not to mention a few pull out beds," Mindbender said. "By the way, I call top bunk!"
"I want the top bunk!" Crystal Ball called out.
"You're just a head in a ball! You don't need the top bunk!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I call top bunk!"
"You have the room in the back! You don't need the top bunk!" Mindbender said.
"I have my own room? Screw it then. Fight among yourselves," Cobra Commander waved as he went into the back room.
"I want the top bunk!" Mindbender said.
"Forget it!" The Crimson Twins shouted.
"Oh now you're claiming the top bunk?" Xamot snapped at his brother.
"Well you can't claim it for yourself now can you?" Tomax said. "I've always gotten the top bunk!"
"And I'm getting sick of it!" Xamot snapped.
"Tough. I called top bunk infinity and we made a deal," Tomax sniffed.
"That was when we were six!" Xamot snapped.
"Why ruin a good thing?" Tomax added.
"Or I can take the top bunk and…" Crystal Ball said.
"How about you bunk with Eddie?" Mindbender glared at Crystal Ball.
"On the other hand anywhere else is fine," Crystal Ball gulped.
"Can we go now?" Cobra Commander yelled. "I think I hear sirens!"
"Oh this is going to be a fun trip," Zartan grumbled as he started to drive.
Day 2:
"You have got to be kidding me?" Cobra Commander groaned. "People actually come here and pay to see this?"
"The biggest ball of Twine in the world," Zartan stood. He wasn't wearing his usual outfit. His cowl and mask was gone. He looked like an ordinary brown haired man in a white shirt, black leather jacket, jeans and boots.
"It is a lot of string," Tomax looked upwards. Indeed it was a gigantic ball of twine that was as big as a small building on a pedestal in the middle of a field.
"Whoa! And I thought my ball was big," Crystal Ball remarked. Mindbender was holding him. "Imagine the room I could have in that baby!"
"Why did you bring him out?" Zartan glared at Mindbender.
"He didn't want to be stuck in the van," Mindbender shrugged. "Why should he miss out?"
"On what? The stupidity the human race? Remind me again whose stupid idea was it to come here," Cobra Commander hissed.
"It was mine," Mindbender said. "But I have a good reason."
"Oh this I have to hear," Zartan said sarcastically.
"I'm thinking of stealing this twine to use for an upcoming invention," Mindbender said. "Something to do with a rope ray for capturing people or making a really fast package wrapping device. I'm not quite sure which."
"And I'm not quite sure which way I am going to fire you," Cobra Commander said. "Using a canon or actually setting you on fire."
"Uh speaking of fire," Xamot pointed.
"Zartan you'd better do something about Torch," Tomax added.
"What? TORCH! STOP IT!" Zartan yelled. "Stop playing around with your flame thrower before you…"
FOOOOOOOM!
"Set the world's largest ball of twine on fire," Zartan groaned.
"Torch put the fire out!" Cobra Commander yelled. "Ripper what are you doing? Stop fooling around with that pedestal you…"
WHOMP!
RRRRRUMMMBLLEE!
"Who knew that pedestal had a lever that would knock the twine off?" Xamot blinked.
"Why would anyone put in a lever to knock the twine off?" Tomax asked.
"If you paid attention to the lecture you would know that they roll the twine out of a huge barn in the daytime and bring it in at night or when it rains," Crystal Ball snapped.
"Why not just put wheels on the pedestal?" Zartan asked.
"They didn't want it to roll away," Crystal Ball said. "In case of accidents you know?"
RRRUMMMBBLLEE!
"Moot point now," Zartan sighed.
"The biggest ball of Twine in the world is now the biggest fireball in the world," Cobra Commander groaned.
"And now it's rolling on down the street," Xamot remarked.
HONK! BEEP!
"Destroying traffic," Tomax remarked.
FOOOM!
"AAAHHH! MY CROPS!"
"Burning down a farm," Xamot added.
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Wow, I did not know a cow could catch on fire that fast," Cobra Commander blinked.
"I did," Mindbender smirked. "I did some milk experiments once and…"
"Stop! I don't want to hear anymore," Cobra Commander held up his hand.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"MY BARN IS BURNING!" A man yelled. "MY LIVESTOCK! MY EQUIPMENT! MY GOLF CLUBS ARE IN THERE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"We should go," Zartan said.
"You think?" Cobra Commander glared at them.
Day 3:
"I can't believe we are arguing about this!" Cobra Commander snapped as they rode along in the RV.
"Neither can I!" Zartan snarled as he drove the RV.
"This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!" Cobra Commander snapped. "How could Jerry Seinfield and George Constanza be the number one TV comic duo of all time? They're not even dating!"
Mindbender said. "They are very funny! I love that show!"
"Please! They are pathetic! It's obvious to anyone with a sense of intelligence that the sensible duo is Lucy and Ethel!" Cobra Commander said. "And anyone who disagrees with me is wrong!"
"You are wrong!" Crystal Ball snapped. He was currently in the lap of Mindbender. "It's that old couple on Everybody Loves Raymond. They are hilarious!"
"You are all wrong," Tomax shook his head.
"The best comic duo on television…" Xamot said.
"Are the Smother's Brothers," The Twins said at the same time.
"I'd like to smother you pair of brothers!" Crystal Ball snapped. "If I had any arms!"
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Zartan gritted his teeth. "God! I thought you were all annoying when we lived underground! But being cooped up with you lot in this stupid tiny RV is ten times worse!"
"Why are you so snippy?" Cobra Commander asked. "We're just having a conversation."
"The same conversation for over three hours!" Zartan snapped.
"That's not even close to our record," Tomax waved.
"Of six hours and forty seven minutes," Xamot added.
"When we argued about who was the most annoying GI Joe," Tomax nodded.
"No, it wasn't," Mindbender said. "It was seven hours and twenty seven minutes debating which Dreadnok was the stupidest. And I still say it's Monkeywrench by a mile!"
"It's Ripper you clod!" Crystal Ball called out.
"You're all wrong!" Cobra Commander snorted.
"About which Dreadnok is the dumbest?" Tomax asked.
"About everything damn it!" Cobra Commander snapped. "First of all the stupidest Dreadnok has been and always will be Torch! We decided that at the end of the Great Dreadnok Debate of 2000. And that argument was only four hours long! Mindbender doesn't remember because he fell asleep during the argument and didn't wake up until it was over!"
"If only I could be unconscious for this," Zartan gritted his teeth.
"The longest argument between us was the three day shooting match that started when the Baroness was trying to get an engagement ring out of Destro!" Cobra Commander said. "Remember how they forced us to pick sides? Remember the bullet wounds? The fire? The exploding synthoids?"
"We weren't arguing about the longest argument ever," Mindbender bristled. "We were arguing about the longest argument we had that didn't involve gunfire!"
"Oh," Cobra Commander blinked. "Well in that case it would have to be the eight hour argument of which ice cream flavor was the best."
"When was that?" Mindbender asked.
"When we were running from GI Joe in that submarine," Cobra Commander said. "Remember? We needed something to do to pass the time until it was safe for us to move out?"
"Oh right. I'd forgotten about that one," Mindbender blinked. "By the way I still stand by my choice of Raspberry Ripple."
"Kahlua Coffee Brownie," Cobra Commander spoke up.
"Chunky Monkey!" Tomax called out.
"Cherry Garcia!" Xamot said at the same time.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN? ARE YOU CRAZY?" The Twins yelled at each other at the same time. Then they started to fight with each other.
"Fight! Fight! Fight!" Crystal Ball cried out with glee.
"Now I remember why I didn't remember this argument," Mindbender realized. "I was punched out when I disagreed with Monkeywrench about his favorite flavor being vanilla! And I still stand by my statement of Monkeywrench being the stupidest one!"
"It's Torch you idiot!" Cobra Commander yelled as he threw an empty can at Mindbender.
"KNOCK IT OFF! GOD! If it's this bad in this RV I can only imagine how bad it is in the Dreadnok one," Zartan grumbled. "If I know my Dreadnoks they're probably bouncing off the walls tearing each other apart."
Meanwhile in the second RV…
"Oh everyday another new adventure!" The Dreadnoks sang cheerfully. "Every mile another new zip code! And the cares we had are gone for good! And I'd go with them if I could! I got no strings on me! I'm feeling fancy free! How wonderful to beeeeee on the open roa-oa-oad!"
"Smart move putting in that DVD player and loading the RV up with a ton of Disney movies," Zandar remarked as he drove the RV.
"Yeah they're pretty good on road trips," Zarana agreed as she sat in the passenger's set. "It's when we stop that's the problem."
"Well if the Dreadnoks are this well behaved while driving I'm sure Zartan is having a wonderful time with Cobra Commander," Zandar smirked.
The twins gave each other a look. Zarana casually turned on the two way communicator. "WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP?" Zartan was heard screaming.
"ADMIT IT!" Tomax was heard yelling. "CHUNKY MONKEY RULES!" A scuffle was heard.
"NEVER!" Xamot shouted. "CHERRY GARCIA!"
"Stop rolling me around! I'm getting dizzy!" Crystal Ball shouted.
"You are so wrong! So freaking wrong!" Mindbender yelled.
"I'm not listening anymore! Do dah! Do dah!" Cobra Commander sang and taunted. "OW! Stop throwing things at my head!"
"You started it!" Mindbender shouted. "OW!"
"STOP FIGHTING! STOP FIGHTING! STOP FIGHTING YOU MORONS OR ELSE I'LL…" Zartan was screaming.
Zarana casually turned off the communicator. She and her brother looked at each other. Then they exploded with laughter. "Oh this is officially the best road trip we have ever been on!" Zandar laughed.
"Yeah I knew Snake Face and the other creeps would drive Zartan batty!" Zarana laughed.
Back on the other RV…
"IF YOU LOT DON'T STOP FIGHTING I AM GOING TO TURN THIS VEHICLE AROUND AND HEAD BACK TO THE COPS!" Zartan screamed. "Jail is looking pretty good right about now!"
"Sorry Zartan," Xamot sighed. They had all stopped fighting.
"I think we all have a slight case of cabin fever," Tomax added.
"YOU THINK?" Zartan yelled.
"I can't take much more of this either," Cobra Commander said. "I need to stop and stretch my legs."
"Oh look there's a winery we can visit!" Mindbender pointed. "Let's stop there!"
"Good idea," Cobra Commander agreed. "For once Mindbender you are actually thinking up a good plan!"
"Yes, let's add alcohol to the situation," Zartan rolled his eyes. "Always a good idea!"
Day 5 or 6:
"Oooh…my head," Cobra Commander groaned. He sat up. He was naked and in a bed somewhere. "Where the hell am I?"
He looked around and saw that he was in a quaint bedroom. "Okay…Don't panic Commander," He said to himself. "You've experienced memory loss before. Just use your intelligence and powers of deduction to find out what happened."
Cobra Commander looked around. "Naked. In a bedroom surrounded by wine bottles…Lots of wine bottles…Slightly chubby yet surprisingly well kept older woman wearing a sheer pink nightgown beside you…Okay it's coming to me now."
"Uhhhh…" Mindbender sat up on the other side of the nearly naked woman in the bed. "My head…"
"And now I am going to desperately try to forget what happened!" Cobra Commander cringed.
"Cobra Commander? Is that you? What happened?" Mindbender looked around.
"We're both naked in bed with a woman and there are empty bottles of booze all around us," Cobra Commander snapped. "We went to Disneyworld! What do you think happened?"
"Well it's a small world after all," Mindbender chuckled weakly. Cobra Commander glared at him. "Sorry. How much did we drink?"
"Too much apparently. Do you have any idea who this woman is?" Cobra Commander moaned.
"She's either the woman who owns the winery or the wife of the man who owns the winery…" Mindbender said as he got out of bed.
"Let's just get our clothes and get out of here!" Cobra Commander hissed as he crawled out of bed.
"Should we wake her up and say goodbye?" Mindbender asked as he pulled some pants on.
"No!" Cobra Commander hissed as he put on his civilian clothes.
"What about a note?" Mindbender asked as he dressed. "At least we have to leave a thank you note!"
"No! Now let's get out of here!" Cobra Commander snapped as he started to sneak out.
"Well we have to do something!" Mindbender protested.
"You're right," Cobra Commander admitted. He walked over and picked up a mostly full bottle of wine. "Okay, now we can go!" They slunk out of the room.
"This is humiliating," Cobra Commander grumbled as they crept down the hallway.
"It's not so bad," Mindbender said. "Look on the bright side. You said you wanted to get laid."
"Shut up!" Cobra Commander hissed.
"Mission accomplished," Mindbender said cheerfully.
"Just be quiet!" Cobra Commander glared at him.
"Mission accomplished for me too," Mindbender said. "It was interesting being with someone without tentacles for a change."
"Mindbender I forbid you to ever speak of this again!" Cobra Commander hissed. "In fact I forbid you to speak of it now!"
"If it will make you feel any better I'm pretty sure we didn't cross swords if you get my drift," Mindbender said.
"Shut up!" Cobra Commander hissed.
"I definitely remember taking turns while operating a camera," Mindbender thought.
"Let's just get out of here," Cobra Commander moaned.
"There you are! Where have you been?" Zartan stormed up to them. "Hanging around with Debra?"
"Who the hell is Debra?" Cobra Commander blinked.
"The woman whose husband owns this vineyard," Zartan glared at him. "The one you have been drinking with the past few days! On second thought don't tell me! I don't want to know!"
"No you don't," Cobra Commander said. "Come on, gather the troops and let's get out of here!"
"Good because her husband just called and you'll never guess this! He's the head of the local mob around here!" Zartan waved.
"How do you know that?" Mindbender asked.
"Well our first clue was when we drove in and beat up all those guards," Zartan said sarcastically. "And one of them said he didn't get into the mob for this kind of violence."
"Oh yeah, it's all coming back to me now," Cobra Commander realized.
"And for some reason Debra didn't call her husband because she took a shine to both you and Mindbender and you were both bragging on how which one of you were going to be the first one to bag her," Zartan said. "Who won anyway?"
"Well…" Mindbender began.
"DON'T ANSWER THAT!" Cobra Commander said. "Let's just get out of here!" They walked very quickly out of the house.
BOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Oh I told the Dreadnoks not to play with explosives in the wine cellar!" Zartan yelled as he saw the fire.
"Just keep running and don't look back!" Cobra Commander shouted. "Run for the bus! Run for the bus!"
"It's an RV!" Mindbender shouted.
"JUST GET INSIDE AND DRIVE AWAY!" Cobra Commander yelled.
"Good idea!" Tomax was heard yelling.
"DREADNOKS ROLL OUT!" Zartan yelled.
After ten minutes of quick running and driving…
"Okay we're now on the highway and away from the vineyard," Zartan said as he drove. "Although I can still see the fire…."
"Well it was a couple of nice days in the country anyway," Mindbender said cheerfully as he fumbled through his pockets. "Let me check my messages. Oh…This is what we used to record everything! Not a camera! My camera phone!"
"Record what?" Xamot asked.
"DELETE THAT MINDBENDER! DELETE IT!" Cobra Commander yelled.
"Delete what? Commander what did you do?" Zartan yelled.
"The mob boss's wife," Crystal Ball said as he was lying in a basket. "He and Mindbender actually."
"WILL YOU SHUT UP BEFORE I THROW YOU OUT THE WINDOW?" Cobra Commander screamed.
"How do you know that?" Mindbender asked as he picked up the disembodied head.
"Hello? Spirit here that can see all, knows all and observes all," Crystal Ball told him.
"You had a threesome…?" Xamot choked.
"With Mindbender?" Tomax screamed.
"EEWWWWWW!" The Twins recoiled in disgust.
"Technically no," Crystal Ball spoke up. "They weren't with her at the same time. One of them was holding the camera phone while the other one…"
"I knew we didn't cross swords!" Mindbender nodded. "So who had her first?"
"Technically Torch," Crystal Ball said.
"TORCH?" Cobra Commander and Mindbender yelled at the same time.
"After she and Torch were finished in the wine cellar she came up and…" Crystal Ball began.
"Shut up! I don't want to know anymore!" Cobra Commander grabbed Crystal Ball and stuffed him in a drawer.
"HEY!" Crystal Ball shouted. "It's dark in here!"
"Would you prefer to be with Eddie?" Cobra Commander snarled.
"I'm good," Crystal Ball gulped.
"I slept with a woman who slept with Torch?" Mindbender blinked.
"It's worse than that!" Cobra Commander moaned. "I slept with a woman who slept with you and Torch!"
"All three of you slept with a mob boss's wife and burned down his vineyard!" Zartan shouted. "Great! As if Cobra didn't have enough people out to get us!"
"Just keep driving," Cobra Commander put his head into his hands. "Just keep driving!"
Day 7:
"Did we have to stop at the largest glass bottle tower in the United States?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Oh come on Commander! This is gonna be fun!" Torch said as he took some pictures with his camera. "This is neat."
"This is even neater…" Monkeywrench snickered as he carried Crystal Ball. "I think I can make a strike!"
"Wait, no! Don't! I get dizzy!" Crystal Ball yelled. Monkeywrench threw him right at the bottle tower. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
CRASH! SMASH! SHATTER!
"Got 'em all!" Monkeywrench whooped. "One hit! Yeah! They didn't call me the king of Rathole Gutters Bowling Alley for nothing! Whoo hoo!"
"Yeah who saw that coming?" Cobra Commander asked sarcastically. "Okay everyone! Back on the bus!"
Day 8:
"FASTER ZARTAN! FASTER!" Cobra Commander screamed.
"They're gaining on us!" Xamot shouted as he fired a laser pistol out one window.
"That's why I'm telling Zartan to drive faster!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Some nice quiet town you picked Zartan!" Mindbender yelled as he worked the controls of a computer. "Let's keep a low profile you said! Hiding out at a trailer park is a perfect cover you said!"
"THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!" Zartan yelled.
"ARE YOU SAYING IT'S MINE?" Cobra Commander yelled.
"Actually it is!" Tomax snapped as he fired more rounds out of another window.
"You just had to sleep with that motorcycle gang leader's wife didn't you?" Zartan snapped. "I expect this kind of behavior from Torch but not you!"
"She came on to me! What was I supposed to do? Say no?" Cobra Commander yelled.
"Yes! That would have been the more prudent way to go!" Zartan yelled.
"JUST SHUT UP AND KEEP DRIVING!" Cobra Commander snapped. "MINDBENDER! PREPARE THE LASER CANNONS!"
Day 9:
"Another day, another stupid trailer park," Cobra Commander walked out of the RV. This time he added a red beard and glasses to his look. "I look ridiculous in this beard."
"We're trying to keep a low profile here," Mindbender told him. "And considering what happened yesterday with the angry bikers and missile attack on the highway slightly altering your appearance would be the smarter move." He stood there with Zartan.
"We got away didn't we?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Just try not to sleep with anyone else's wife will you?" Zartan walked back to the now blue and white RV. "Good thing this vehicle changes colors and license plates too!"
"And me looking like Dr. Venture is going to keep us inconspicuous?" Cobra Commander asked. "Yeah this will work! Where's the nearest bar? Never mind! I'll find it myself!" He stormed off.
"Oh this has been a fun trip," Zartan grumbled.
"We really should be looking for a new hideout," Mindbender sighed. "I wonder what happened back at the base? Did you leave anyone behind to watch what happened?"
"Did I leave anyone behind to watch what happened?" Zartan asked.
"When you told our troops to pack up the base and move out," Mindbender blinked. "Where did you send them anyway?"
"I didn't do that. The Twins did that," Zartan said.
"The Twins did what?" Tomax asked as he walked with his brother in their civilian clothes up to them.
"You did tell our troops about the possibility that the Baroness was going to inform the authorities of the location of the base right?" Mindbender asked them.
"No, that was Zartan's job," Xamot said.
"I thought you were going to tell them?" Zartan asked.
"Us? We thought…" Xamot began.
"You were going to handle it," Tomax finished.
"No! You said you wanted to be in charge so I assumed you organized…" Zartan began.
"We thought you were going to do it!" Tomax yelled.
"Uh oh…" Mindbender gulped.
Back at the Cobra Base…
"Where is everybody?" Copperhead looked around.
"Any sign of them?" Dr. Venom asked.
"They're not in their quarters or the control room or any of the meeting rooms," Copperhead told him.
"Did you find them?" Cadet Deming walked up to them.
"No, you?" Copperhead asked.
"If I had would I be asking you that?" Cadet Deming snapped. "These missile order forms won't sign themselves."
"And I need Mindbender's help for a lab project," Dr. Venom said.
Hotwire walked up to them with some lab assistants. "I can't find them anywhere."
"Did you check all Mindbender's inventions?" Copperhead asked. "Maybe they got stuck in another dimension or something. It has happened before!"
"No, they were all turned off and hadn't been used in a while," Hotwire shrugged. "It couldn't be that."
"Do you think they were captured or something?" Copperhead asked.
"If they were don't you think the authorities would be banging on the door by now?" Dr. Venom asked.
"Did someone check the bar down the street?" Cadet Deming asked.
"I sent some guys to do it," Copperhead said. "Here they come now. Anything?"
"Not a hide nor hair of them," A Cobra soldier spoke up. Four more were with him.
"Did you check the chicken coop again?" Cadet Deming asked.
"Looked twice. In fact we looked everywhere," Another Cobra soldier spoke up. "They're nowhere in the building."
"Hey guys have you seen the Commander?" Vanguard walked up to them. "I'm getting kind of bored playing video games. Maybe he has some work for me?"
"You're supposed to be his personal assistant and you have no idea where he is?" Dr. Venom yelled.
"When did you see him last?" Hotwire asked.
"A couple weeks ago. Told me to go jump in the lake but I couldn't find a lake in the city. So I played Super Mario Brothers 2 instead," Vanguard scratched his head. "That kind of has a lake."
Some Crimson Guard soldiers arrived. "Crimson Guard have you found anything?" Dr. Venom asked.
"Negative," A Crimson Guard soldier spoke up. "Not only are they not in the building they have left the area and are maintaining radio silence. We can't do a thing until they send us a signal."
By now a large crowd of Cobra soldiers, technicians and scientists had gathered. "Where is Dr. Mindbender?" A female scientist asked. "He was supposed to give us the new experiment parameters days ago?"
"I have no idea," Copperhead grumbled. "Nobody ever tells me anything!"
"I don't know why," Hotwire grumbled. "We're only the people who do all the work around here!"
"While our bosses run around getting drunk," Cadet Deming fumed.
"You know I am really getting sick of this job," A Cobra Soldier spoke up. "I mean half of the work is already done by synthoids and I haven't had a paycheck in months!"
"I don't know about you but I am getting real sick of squirrel nuggets as payment," Another said. "I don't care how good they taste!"
"I knew I should have listened to my parents and gone into the insurance business," Another Cobra Soldier spoke up.
"You know I used to be a model and I once had an audition to be on a soap opera," Cadet Deming sighed. "But noooooo, I had to go find a career that valued my brains over my looks!"
"And you thought being the Crimson Twins' girlfriend would be the right way to go?" Copperhead asked.
"That was just a perk," Cadet Deming said. "I used to be a psychiatric student until I ran out of money. I was told working for Cobra would give me some college credit as well as some references. Who knew?"
"Should have stuck with your looks lady," Copperhead remarked. "That was the better horse to bet on."
Raptor walked up to the group. "What's going on? This isn't another meeting about the chickens is it? I told you people I have them under control now. Well the ones that didn't develop a taste for human flesh. But most of those are dead now and…"
"It's not that Raptor," Cadet Deming said. "We can't find any members of Cobra High Command."
"Yeah where's the Baroness? I need her to sign some papers," Copperhead asked.
"The Baroness quit over a week ago," Raptor said. "Destro too."
"WHAT? I swear nobody tells me anything!" Copperhead threw up his arms.
"When did this happen?" A Cobra Soldier asked. The other Cobras were stunned as well.
"Like I said. Over a week ago. The Baroness caught Destro cheating on her and both of them stormed out of here," Raptor said. "After she broke up with him and kicked him in the nuts."
"Damn! I had November in the pool!" A Cobra scientist shouted.
"So where are Cobra Commander and what's left of the higher ups now?" Vanguard asked.
"Last I saw them they took out the experimental RV units the day the Baroness walked out," Raptor said.
"And you waited until now to tell us?" A Cobra Soldier shouted.
"Nobody asked me until now!" Raptor bristled.
"So when are they coming back?" Cadet Deming asked.
"I don't know. They didn't say," Raptor said.
"So they just took off without telling anyone where they were going or for how long?" Dr. Venom shouted.
"Oh great!" Someone shouted out. "We're never going to get paid!"
"What the hell do we do now?" Someone else asked.
"Well I'm not cleaning up the mess Mindbender made in the lab that's for sure!" One lab assistant spoke up.
"Everyone, since we have clearly been abandoned by Cobra I suggest we break off and create our own little group," Dr. Venom spoke up.
"You want us to form our own terrorist group?" Vanguard asked.
"No, I want to form our own technology company and make a lot of cash," Dr. Venom said. "Okay a lot of the research won't exactly be legal but …"
"I'm in," Copperhead remarked. "Cobra's done squat for me lately."
"Yeah I could go for something different," Cadet Deming said. "I mean I've been a stinking cadet for over twenty five years! I could use some career advancement!"
The remaining Cobras nodded and agreed. Just then Kwinn walked in wearing a business suit. "Has anyone seen Cobra Commander? I wanted to ask for his permission to try something new. A specialty restaurant selling buffalo meat and other game animals."
"He's gone along with all of the Cobra High Command," Cadet Deming said.
"They dumped us like last week's leftovers," Copperhead grumbled.
"They just took off and left us behind without telling us a thing," Dr. Venom said.
"What about Destro? He's supposedly the responsible one," Kwinn asked.
"He's gone too. He and the Baroness quit after the Baroness caught him cheating on her," Cadet Deming said.
"He left to be with his new girlfriend. She left because she couldn't take it anymore," Raptor filled in the blanks.
"Damn. From what I've heard I was sure they'd make it to March," Kwinn said.
"We're thinking of forming our own terrorist group devoted to making weapons for money," Dr. Venom said. "Or maybe an evil corporation that's going to rule the world. We haven't decided which."
"Weapons? Please! Gourmet fast food is the future," Kwinn said. "In fact I could use some help in all departments."
"Do we get paid?" A Cobra research assistant spoke up.
"Of course," Kwinn said.
"Okay I'm in!" The research assistant spoke up.
"Me too!" Vanguard spoke up. "I always did want to try a career in management!"
"Actually now that I think about it that does make more sense than making weapons," Copperhead nodded. "I've got some great recipes for southern fried possum and alligator!"
"Those would be perfect for the new restaurant," Kwinn said. "We should do some tasting samples in our lab."
"Count me out," Cadet Deming made a face. "I didn't hang around Cobra all these years to smell like grease!"
"You could be my second in command," Dr. Venom told her. "You can be called…Commander Deming!"
"Commander Deming. I like the sound of that," The newly named Commander Deming grinned. "Okay Venom you've got yourself a second in command!"
"Okay here is what we are going to do," Kwinn spoke up. "Everyone who is interested in a career in gourmet foods please go to the left. I will be back with some forms you can fill out so we can find what jobs you are qualified for."
"And everyone else can come over to the right," Commander Deming spoke up. "Hot Wire you can be our head scientist."
"Hot Damn! I made it big!" Hotwire grinned.
"You know there's no reason both groups can't consolidate their different divisions into one company," Raptor spoke up.
"You mean like we did before with Cobra?" Kwinn said.
"Only with more competent leadership," Dr. Venom said.
"That remains to be seen," Kwinn gave him a look.
"As your financial advisor I have to tell you Venom that you're pigeonholing yourself by focusing on weapons," Raptor said.
"What do you suggest?" Dr. Venom asked.
"I would start off in the security systems game. You can start off by providing security within Kwinn's company and branch out," Raptor said. "I can provide the paperwork to make this all legal."
"I would follow Raptor's suggestion," Commander Deming said to Dr. Venom.
"I agree," Kwinn said. "Maybe we should all work together as one corporation with different divisions?"
"That does sound like a better plan because to be honest I am much more happy in research than I am leading a group of people," Dr. Venom agreed.
"So it's settled. We will still separate ourselves into different groups but become one new corporation," Commander Deming said. "Agreed?"
"Agreed," Kwinn said as he shook hands with Dr. Venom. "Now what do we call ourselves?"
"Well nothing with a snake theme that's for sure," Dr. Venom groaned.
"We'll work it out in marketing," Commander Deming shrugged.
"I can do that!" Vanguard cheered.
"Yeah let's dump Cobra and go into business for ourselves!" A Cobra soldier cheered along with his colleagues.
"I'll go get the papers and the list of lawyers we need to bribe!" Raptor cheered.
Back to the Cobra High Command…
"So you're saying we just left all our troops and employees behind without warning them of the impending doom that is to come?" Cobra Commander snapped. He was sitting in the RV with Zartan, Mindbender and the Twins.
"Pretty much yes," Zartan admitted.
"Eh. Who cares?" Cobra Commander grumbled. "Even if the worst happens and the Joes find our base they're the ones who are going to jail. Not me."
"They can't tell the authorities any more than what the Baroness could say," Xamot shrugged.
"And even if they are not discovered," Tomax added.
"They'll just keep working until we come back," Xamot finished.
"Fortunately for us our subordinates are as bright as mud and as sharp as a sponge," Cobra Commander agreed. "It'll be at least a week before they notice we're gone."
"It's been over a week," Zartan pointed out.
"Oh," Cobra Commander said. "Still no harm, no foul. I mean what are they going to do? Form an evil corporation and take over?"
Day 10:
"HOW COULD YOU SLEEP WITH THE WIFE OF A SHERIFF?" Zartan yelled.
"It was surprisingly easy," Xamot smirked. He wore a gray sweat suit.
"Apparently the Sheriff hasn't been responding to her needs," Tomax nodded. He also wore a gray sweat suit.
"Oh God help me from horny idiots," Zartan groaned. He paced back and forth in the RV. "You're just lucky he didn't recognize you yet and we were able to drive away!"
"To be fair he really didn't get a good look at our faces," Tomax said.
"Was rather embarrassing streaking across that parking lot of the motel," Xamot admitted.
"That was rather irresponsible of you two," Mindbender sniffed. He was wearing his usual Cobra attire.
"Oh look who is talking!" Zartan pointed to Mindbender. "I take it your idea of indiscretion is sleeping with a local meth dealer wearing your Cobra uniform?"
"Well she wasn't married now was she?" Mindbender pointed out. "Being divorced is not married. And she was into cosplay. So…"
"Zartan aren't you being a tad hypocritical…?" Xamot began.
"Considering the antics of your Dreadnoks last night?" Tomax smirked.
"Who would have thought Zandar and Zarana would find a pair of good looking fraternal twins?" Crystal Ball's voice was heard.
"Oh there's a website for that," Tomax waved. "Wait where's Crystal Ball?"
"I put him in a basket on the floor," Zartan pointed. "But that thing with Zandar and Zarana was nothing! They didn't sleep around with somebody's wife! Particularly somebody in law enforcement!"
"Actually we were referring to the orgy your Dreadnoks started behind the sump pump," Xamot smirked.
"You really should talk to Torch about his little habit of smoking after sex," Tomax said. "It could start a fire."
"Oh wait it did," Tomax smirked.
"The whole septic system of the trailer park went up in a ball of flame," Xamot grinned.
"Oh shut up! That dump was going to burn down anyway! Considering half the trailers there were poorly constructed meth labs!" Cobra Commander waved. "Calm down Zartan! So everyone had a little fun? No harm, no foul."
"Well that smell from the fire was a little foul," Xamot said.
"Quite rancid actually," Tomax added.
"So what? The RV has air conditioning and we got out of there before anything exploded! We had a little fun and we're fine," Cobra Commander waved.
"Okay who did you sleep with this time?" Zartan closed his eyes and massaged the bridge of his nose.
"A surprisingly attractive drug dealer," Cobra Commander said. "Nancy…Something or other. Apparently she's on the run from her Mexican drug lord husband who she got into a tiff with. Got some good weed too."
"Oh for crying out loud!" Zartan yelled.
"Relax Zartan I'm not going to smoke it!" Cobra Commander snorted. "I'm not stupid! I'm just going to sell it!"
"IS EVERYONE HAVING SEX ON THIS NIGHTMARE OF AN ODYSSEY BUT ME?" Zartan yelled.
"I'm not," Crystal Ball called out from his place in a basket somewhere.
"YOU DON'T COUNT!" Zartan shouted. "God I can't believe I'm saying this but I miss Destro! At least when he was here the sexual shenanigans were kept to a minimum!"
"Which is pretty ironic considering all of the sexual shenanigans he used to pull off," Mindbender remarked.
"Who needs Destro? We're doing great! I mean I'm doing great," Cobra Commander smirked. "Haven't had this much action in years."
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Yeah, that's my point," Zartan groaned. "What did we destroy now?"
"It appears your Dreadnoks," Xamot looked at the controls of the RV.
"Are playing with the rocket missiles on their RV," Tomax smirked.
"It looks like there used to be a brand new museum dedicated to Justin Bieber," Xamot remarked.
"Used to?" Cobra Commander asked.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Used to," The Crimson Twins said as one.
"As well as a museum of glass unicorn figurines next door," Tomax added.
BOOOOOOOM!
"And a mime school," Xamot added.
"WILL YOU MORONS STOP FIRING THE MISSILES?" Zartan yelled as he got on the communicator. "THOSE THINGS DON'T COME CHEAP YOU KNOW?"
"I dunno. I think they were pretty spot on destroying that Justin Bieber museum," Cobra Commander chuckled.
"And the world has too many mimes and glass figurines anyway," Mindbender agreed. "I think it was a worthwhile sacrifice."
"Anything else worth blowing up around here?" Cobra Commander asked over the communicator.
"Uh no, Commander," Torch's voice was heard. "Just a JC Penny's. You want us to blow it up."
"Never mind," Cobra Commander waved. "That store will implode without our help. Don't bother wasting any missiles on that."
"Let's just all get out of here," Zartan took the wheel of the RV. "Follow me. I'm going to try to find a place where none of you can do any damage!"
"Oh goody, I like a challenge," Cobra Commander quipped.
Day 11:
"Okay I admit I'm not much of a nature fan," Cobra Commander looked at the colors of the leaves in the national park. "But even I have to admit this is pretty amazing. Look at all those colors."
"It is rather pretty isn't it?" Mindbender agreed as he looked at the trees with him.
"You know I don't know why we don't do this more often," Cobra Commander breathed in the air. "There's nothing like nature to inspire you. To recharge your mental batteries."
"YAH HOOO!" Torch was heard yelling. "GUYS LOOK AT MY NEW FLAME THROWING UNICYCLE!"
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Oh right," Cobra Commander sighed as all the trees caught on fire. "That's why…"
Day 12:
"Now what monument to stupidity are we looking at?" Cobra Commander asked. He was standing in a building with Tomax and Xamot.
"The world's largest candle," Tomax explained.
"Oh goody…" Cobra Commander sighed. "Mindbender what are you doing on that ladder?"
"I'm setting the candle on fire! He he!" Mindbender giggled as he used a lighter to light the wick. Then he climbed down the stairs. "I thought I'd get into a little bit of vandalism too! Why should the Dreadnoks have all the fun?"
"Good Mindbender," Xamot said sarcastically. "At this rate…"
"That candle will be completely destroyed in about seven years!" Tomax added.
"You know what gets me?" Cobra Commander said. "People in this country not only willingly make these stupid monuments and memoriam to crap but they pay for it! And I still can't take over this country! Makes me mad!"
"Didn't we pay to get into this building?" Mindbender said.
"Not exactly," Cobra Commander waved. "Fortunately the manager of this park is a Dr. Venture fan and she quite reasonably attractive." He stroked his fake beard.
"You didn't," Tomax raised an eyebrow.
"He did," Xamot groaned.
"In the public women's bathroom," Cobra Commander smirked. "Which is surprisingly very clean. And had a really nice couch on it. And this nice body lotion as well as soap. No wonder women spend so much time in there."
"Is it me or are we all acting a bit like horny teenagers in a bad comedy?" Mindbender asked.
"Hey we've been cooped up underground for over a year!" Cobra Commander snapped. "As far as I'm concerned this is spring break and I'm going to make the most of it! If Zartan has a problem with it he can kiss my spray painted ass!"
"Zartan is a bit…indisposed," Tomax smirked.
"That's because the Dreadnoks are busy wrecking other things," Xamot chuckled.
"Did I mention this site is right next to two other tourist traps?" Mindbender sighed. "The museum of potato chips that look like people."
"AGGGH! STOP THAT MANIAC! HE'S EATING ABRAHAM LINCOLN!" Someone shouted.
"AND HE'S QUITE TASTY!" Road Pig called out.
"THIS QUEEN VICTORIA DAME IS PRETTY GOOD TOO WITH SOUR CREAM DIP!" Buzzer hooted.
"And what's the other one?" Cobra Commander asked in a casual tone.
"International toy train museum," Mindbender suggested.
"ALL ABOARD!" Zartan called out as he ran up to them. He carried a small sack of trains and held one in his hand. "Choo! Choo!"
"Zartan?" Cobra Commander blinked.
"If you can all act like maniacs, I'm getting myself some toy trains!" Zartan yelled.
"O-kaaay," Cobra Commander said.
"When I was a boy I always wanted a set of toy trains for my very own but I never got one!" Zartan had a strange look in his eyes. "Well now I have them! And they're for me! Mine! All mine!"
"Yes Zartan," Tomax backed away.
"The trains are all yours," Xamot added.
"I know you two want them," Zartan pointed to the twins. "You always want what's mine! Well guess what? You can't have them! HA! ALL ABOARD!" Zartan laughed as he ran off. "NOW BOARDING ON TRACK NINE! CHOOO CHOOO!"
"He's snapped hasn't he?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Oh yes," Mindbender sighed. "Didn't think he'd go that fast. After all these years of putting up with the Dreadnoks…"
"Speaking of going I think we should before the authorities arrive," Cobra Commander said. The sound of sirens could be heard. "Too late."
"Better break out the blaster," Tomax said as he took out his laser pistol.
"Another day another shootout with the law on the road," Cobra Commander took out a hidden blaster from his jacket. "You know this trip is getting to be more monotonous than I thought."
Day 13:
"Now where the hell are we?" Cobra Commander looked around as he stepped out of the RV. "All I see are nothing but rocks and trees!"
"I knew it, we're lost," Mindbender walked out of the RV.
"We are not lost!" Zartan snarled as he came out of the RV with the Twins. "We just…misplaced ourselves that's all!"
"That's pretty much the definition of being lost," Mindbender said. "What happened to the GPS system?"
"It doesn't work. You know why?" Zartan growled. "Because of that wine fight you and Cobra Commander had the other night!"
"Oh right. That's how we got all those stains on the couch," Mindbender scratched his head. "Too bad Destro isn't here. He'd fix that in a minute."
"Why do you keep talking about Destro? We're doing fine without him!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"If your definition of fine is being lost," Tomax began.
"Living in an RV," Xamot added.
"Having the authorities after us," Tomax went on.
"As well as several angry husbands…" Xamot went on.
"Then we're doing swimmingly," The Twins said as one.
"Look we need to find a new base soon because frankly I can't take much more of this!" Zartan said. "We can't live in an RV forever!"
"Don't think of it as an RV," Cobra Commander said. "Think of it as a mobile tactical base. It's perfect! It will make it harder for the authorities to find us!"
"If you don't count the mile wide trail of destruction we've been leaving!" Zartan yelled.
"Was I this much of a pain in the ass when I wasn't getting any?" Cobra Commander pointed to Zartan.
"Worse," Mindbender shrugged. "But I have to admit Zartan does have a point. Sooner or later I would like to go back sleeping in a real bed again. Well one that actually belongs to me."
"Look I admit we've had a few mishaps," Cobra Commander said. "A few incidents that could have been handled better. But if you think about it this trip is the best thing that has happened to Cobra in a long time! Think about it, we're terrorists! Right? And what have we been doing all this time?"
"Destroying my will to live?" Zartan's eye twitched.
"Spreading terror and mayhem," Cobra Commander told him. "We're getting back in the game! Destroying parts of America! Okay they're not very good parts of America but it's a start!"
"When the Hell did you become Miss Mary Sunshine?" Zartan growled.
"When I started getting it regularly without paying," Cobra Commander gave him a look. "Haven't you been paying attention?"
"Speaking of terror and mayhem…" Xamot began.
"Where is the Dreadnoks' RV?" Tomax looked around.
"I don't know! We lost them on the overpass!" Zartan threw up his hands. "God only knows what those lunatics are doing now!"
"Relax Zartan I see their vehicle now," Cobra Commander pointed. "Looks like they've got something tied to the roof."
"Oh I can't wait to see what happens next," Zartan said sarcastically.
"Hey Zartan!" Torch whooped as the Dreadnoks piled out of their RV. "Guess what we got?"
"An assortment of various venereal diseases?" Cobra Commander quipped.
"Besides that," Monkeywrench said. "We stopped by this one place and we found the biggest magnifying glass in the world!"
"And we took it too!" Ripper laughed.
"Excellent! Marvelous!" Cobra Commander clapped his hands together.
"What the hell are we going to do with a giant magnifying glass?" Zartan yelled.
"I'm sure we'll think of something useful!" Cobra Commander waved as the Dreadnoks tried to hold up the magnifying glass. "Come on! We once attacked Chicago with little more than leftover experimental jet fuel and some vegetable seeds! I'm sure there are a dozen uses for a giant magnifying glass!"
"Maybe it can find whatever sanity you have left?" Zartan shouted.
"Ooh! This this is heavy!" Buzzer moaned.
"Just hold it up a little more," Torch chuckled. "Cobra Commander's head looks real big under this!"
"When did Cobra Commander not have a big head?" Monkeywrench snorted.
"And furthermore…" Cobra Commander kept going on. His head was literally shining now. "I am sick and tired of you taking up Destro's mantle of official party pooper! If I wanted someone to nag me all the time I'd have kept Destro instead of firing him!"
"You didn't fire him. He quit," Zartan said.
"See it's you bringing up nagging details like that…" Cobra Commander went on, oblivious to a small bit of smoke emerging from his forehead and arms. "That is keeping you from advancing in this organization!"
"Commander are you smoking?" Tomax blinked.
"What? No! I told you I wasn't going to touch the weed I got," Cobra Commander sniffed. "I'm going to…"
He stopped and sniffed. "Is it hot in here or is it just…MEEEEEEE?!"
"COMMANDER!" Mindbender yelled as Cobra Commander burst into flames. "What's going on?"
"One of two things," Zartan looked behind him. "It could be that the devil himself has finally decided it's time for our leader to burn in Hell…"
"AAAAAHHH!" Cobra Commander dropped to the ground and rolled around, still on fire.
"Or and this is the more likely scenario," Zartan pointed. "My genius Dreadnoks are using that stolen magnifying glass to set him on fire!"
"Like a demented child torching ants," Tomax blinked.
"Well they are definitely childish and demented," Zartan groaned. "WILL YOU IDIOTS PUT THAT DAMN THING DOWN? YOU SET THE COMMANDER ON FIRE!"
"Oops," Torch called out. "Sorry. My bad."
"This is what? The second or third time we've had to put him out this year?" Xamot sighed.
"It's starting to become a running gag," Tomax groaned.
"The extreme sunlight and heat are reacting to the Commander's mask and body spray," Mindbender said. "I told him to stay out of direct sunlight!"
"Got the fire extinguisher!" Zarana ran over with it and sprayed Cobra Commander. "Better stamp him out just to be sure!"
"Let me help you with that!" Zartan said as he and his sister stomped on Cobra Commander.
"I think we should assist them dear brother," Xamot said.
"Indeed dear brother," Tomax nodded. They joined in the stomping along with Mindbender.
"Okay fire's out," Zartan said. "Ew. Commander your mask is kind of melted…"
"Are you all right?" Mindbender asked.
"Remember when I said it couldn't hurt to see more of America?" Cobra Commander moaned in pain. "I WAS WRONG! IT HURTS! IT HURTS SO FREAKING MUCH!"
"I'd better fire up the ol' Burn Unit 5000," Mindbender sighed. "Good thing I installed one in our RV."
"Now I know why Destro quit," Zartan groaned. "And knowing is a great reason to send my resume out!"
Day 14:
"I tell you it's nice to have something that actually works at Cobra for once!" Cobra Commander grumbled as he walked outside of the RV in his usual mask and uniform.
"I'm sorry Cobra Commander. Your body spray had to be completely removed and it will be a long time before I can construct a new face mask for you," Mindbender said. He was also in his usual uniform.
"Don't be too sorry. To be honest I kind of missed it," Cobra Commander said. "It's my signature look. And I've always been comfortable in it even if eating and drinking is a pain in the ass."
He turned around in dismay. "Speaking of looks, why the hell is our RV pink and green?" Cobra Commander spat.
"Because we ran out of all the regular colors," Mindbender moaned.
"Great," Cobra Commander looked around at all the trees. "Well at least we're in a remote location so no one can see how gaudy this thing looks."
"We had to go in a remote location," Tomax said as he and his brother walked out in their Crimson Guard uniforms.
"So not only the authorities wouldn't find us…" Xamot said.
"No one would see you in your uniform," Tomax added.
"Then why are you all wearing yours?" Cobra Commander said.
"We have to," Xamot sighed.
"We haven't done any laundry in about two weeks," Tomax groaned.
They looked at Mindbender. "Oh I still have some clean clothes," Mindbender said. "I just didn't want to feel left out."
"Would it kill any of you to pick up after yourselves?" Zartan stormed out of the RV. "This vehicle is like one of my Dreadnoks rooms! Only the smell is slightly better!"
"Speaking of smell Cobra Commander when are we going to sell that weed you picked up?" Mindbender asked. "It's getting a little musty."
"Forget it! Cobra has enough problems without a drug dealing rap!" Zartan snapped.
"Really? That's where you draw the line?" Mindbender blinked.
"Shut up!" Zartan gritted his teeth.
"Because if you think about it, drug dealing is pretty mild compared to some of the stuff we've done over the years," Mindbender went on.
"Will you just shut up?" Zartan snapped.
"He has a point," Tomax said.
"We are terrorists after all," Xamot said.
"Breaking the law is kind of our thing," Tomax added.
"It is what we do best," Cobra Commander agreed.
"THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!" Zartan stormed back into the RV.
"What is his problem?" Mindbender asked.
"Who knows? He's been snippy since day one of this trip," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"He has been rather a killjoy hasn't he?" Tomax asked.
"A complete party pooper," Xamot agreed.
"I don't know about Zartan becoming my new second in command if he's going to act like my old one," Cobra Commander mused. "I mean if I wanted someone to constantly rain on my parade I just would have kept Destro."
"I'm moving to the Dreadnoks RV!" Zartan stormed out of the RV with a sack. "AND I'M TAKING MY TRAINS WITH ME!"
"Good riddance!" Crystal Ball was heard from the vehicle. "I get his bunk!"
"Fine! More room for us on the party bus!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"IT'S NOT A BUS! IT'S AN RV!" Crystal Ball shouted.
"Oh go polish yourself Crystal Ball!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"WHY IS THIS RV CLEAN?" Zartan yelled in disbelief. "HOW THE HELL CAN THE DREADNOK RV BE SO CLEAN?"
"That's because Zarana made it a game and pays us!" Torch said happily.
"Whoever does the best job gets twenty bucks a day!" Ripper cheered. "I made forty bucks on this trip!"
"Maybe Zarana should be second in command?" Buzzer suggested. To this Zartan made an ear piercing scream.
"Oh great," Cobra Commander grumbled. "He's going to have one of his tantrums again."
"I'm going for a walk in the woods," Mindbender waved. "Maybe I'll find a new specimen or something?"
"I'll join you," Cobra Commander said. "A walk in the woods would be relaxing."
"Anything is better than…" Tomax began.
"Listening to Zartan rant," Xamot added as the twins began to leave with the others.
"HEY CAN SOMEONE TAKE ME WITH THEM? I'M SICK OF BEING STUCK IN HERE!" Crystal Ball yelled.
"Okay Mate," Torch grinned as he went inside the RV and took Crystal Ball out. "Let's go play candlepin bowling again.
"Oh come on! Not again!" Crystal Ball yelled. "Help! Somebody!"
"Hey set up all those empty cans as pins!" Torch whooped.
"Right! This is gonna be fun!" Ripper laughed.
"No! No! This is not going to be fun! I get motion sickness! HEEEEELLLP!" Crystal Ball yelled.
Two hours later…
"Where the hell are we?" Cobra Commander shoved a branch out of his face. The branch reacted and hit him square in the helmet. "AGGH!"
"I have no idea," Tomax looked at his phone. "I am getting no reception out here."
"And the GPS system is completely useless," Xamot agreed as he looked at his phone.
"I knew we should have gotten the upgrade," Tomax said.
"You're the one who chose Angry Birds over the new features," Xamot gave his brother a look.
"CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!"
"Speaking of angry birds," Tomax rolled his eyes.
"AAAAH! STOP PECKING ME! STOP IT!" Mindbender ran by being chased by several different colored birds. "ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS STUDY YOUR DNA AND TURN YOU INTO LIVING WEAPONS! IS THAT SO WRONG?"
"CAW! CAW! CAW!"
"How predictable," Tomax shook his head.
"Wait a moment brother," Xamot held up his hand. "This scenario is not complete yet. Three…"
"Two…" Tomax counted.
"One…" Xamot counted.
"CAW! CAW! CAW! SHREEEEEIIIKKKKKK!"
"AAAAAAHHH!" Cobra Commander ran by being pecked at by various birds. "MINDBENDER YOU FOOL! GET THESE LIVING FEATHER DUSTERS OFF OF ME! AAAAHHH!"
"AAAAH! STOP! COME ON! I SAID I WOULD GIVE YOU BIRD SEED IF YOU STOP PECKING ME! AAAAH!" Mindbender ran after Cobra Commander with his own flock.
"Now it's predictable," Xamot smirked.
Forty five minutes later…
"Remember when I was saying good things about nature?" Cobra Commander grumbled. His uniform was torn and dirty and he had feathers all over it. "WELL I WAS WRONG! NATURE SUCKS!"
"And we're still lost," Mindbender moaned. He was also covered in feathers and scratches.
"Nature sucks so much!" Cobra Commander hissed. Then he was hit in the face again by a branch. "And what is it with all these freaking trees? Seriously?"
"At least we lost the birds," Mindbender groaned.
"Why didn't I bring my blaster? I could have shot the stupid things and had them for dinner!" Cobra Commander snarled. He raised his fist. "Laugh while you can my avian enemies! For Cobra will have the last laugh! THIS I SWEAR!"
"We really should have gotten a map or something," Tomax looked around.
"Or at the very least a better GPS system in our phones," Xamot agreed.
"This is all your fault!" Cobra Commander pointed to his subordinates. "All of you! You all got us lost!"
"You're our leader," Xamot raised an eyebrow.
"We were merely following," Tomax added.
"Don't try to confuse me with facts!" Cobra Commander hissed. "This is your fault if I say so! And I say so! It's your fault! Now how do we get out of this nightmare?"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"ARRRRRRRGGGHHHHH!"
"Stupid question," Cobra Commander grumbled. "Just listen for the sounds of Zartan going crazy and Dreadnok mayhem!"
"RRAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
"That was not Zartan was it?" Mindbender blinked as they walked closer to the sound.
"No, it was not," Xamot agreed.
"I think we're almost back to the trailers," Cobra Commander said. "I recognize the smell of grease and Dreadnoks!"
"Oh thank god you're back!" Crystal Ball rolled up to them. His crystal ball was dirty. "You have no idea what I have been through!"
"Don't care," Cobra Commander said. "All I want is to relax and take a shower in the RV. And drink some wine to forget about this stupid day!"
"That's…" Tomax blinked.
"Going to be a problem," Xamot pointed.
"What do you…AAAAAH!" Cobra Commander yelled as his RV was nothing more than a pile of ruins.
"I'm guessing you want to care now?" Crystal Ball asked sarcastically.
Cobra Commander screamed. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?"
"Uh, we had a little incident," Zartan winced.
"What kind of incident?" Mindbender asked as he picked up Crystal Ball.
"Well the good news is our RV is fine," Buzzer gulped. The Dreadnoks were standing around. "We managed to move ours out of the way."
"Oh joy," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "And the bad news?"
"Take a look over that cliff on the left," Zarana pointed.
"The one where all the trees are dissolved and destroyed?" Tomax blinked.
"Yeah. That one," Zarana nodded. "Look down below."
"Okay…" Cobra Commander blinked. "What the…?"
"I didn't know there was a town there," Mindbender blinked.
"Not for long," Crystal Ball remarked.
"This is not good," Tomax winced as they saw a giant glowing purple blob making its way towards the town. It was dissolving everything in its path and growing.
"Oh crap…" Cobra Commander groaned. "Eddie got out didn't he?"
"Yeah," Zartan admitted. "Yeah he did."
"Let me take a wild guess," Cobra Commander sighed. "He ate something he shouldn't have…"
"Don't look at me! I didn't feed him anything!" Mindbender protested.
"Neither did we," The Crimson Twins said.
"Uh…" Zartan realized something. "There is a slight chance that Eddie may have reacted to the Commander's weed."
"Slight chance?" Cobra Commander sneered. "How slight are we talking about?"
"A hundred percent," Zartan winced. "Believe it or not I was trying to help you lot!"
"You were trying to help us by feeding our weed stash which we would have used to get some money to an unstable chemical creature…" Cobra Commander began.
"RRARRRRRR!"
"And of course somehow the weed caused a chain reaction that made Eddie more powerful," Mindbender realized.
"RARRRRRRR!"
"And now he grows whenever he eats," Cobra Commander finished.
"That's pretty much it," Zartan groaned.
"You hear that sound?" Xamot put his hand to his left ear.
"Oh yes I do brother," Tomax grinned. "That's the sound of Zartan's chances of being second in command biting the dust!"
"Those chances didn't just bite the dust!" Cobra Commander snarled. "They are now six feet under with a lovely headstone with the epitaph: Zartan's Chances of Being Second in Command! May they rest in pieces!"
"I am not the idiot who brought an unstable genetic mutation into the van nor am I the one who bought the damn marijuana plant in the first place!" Zartan snapped.
"First of all I didn't buy the weed," Cobra Commander said. "It was a gift! From a very grateful woman who appreciated my talents for satisfying her needs!"
"Okay you just lost me with that sentence," Zartan shook his head to get rid of the mental images.
Cobra Commander went on. "Second of all you are the one who tried to destroy the weed in the first place!"
"Who puts a freaking unstable genetic blob inside an RV in the first place?" Zartan yelled.
"Somebody who is interested in finding ways to solve the world's pollution problem!" Cobra Commander said. "Look! Eddie's eating the city dump! Problem solved!"
"That problem may be solved," Zarana said. "But I think another one just got bigger!"
"You are a nutcase!" Zartan yelled at Cobra Commander.
"You're just figuring this out now?" Crystal Ball called out.
"You know what? Screw it! I don't want to be second in command of this lot anyway!" Zartan shouted. "In fact, I'm not so sure I want to be associated with Cobra anymore!"
"Really? Well that's a coincidence! I'm not so sure I want you and your idiot Dreadnoks to be associated with Cobra anymore!" Cobra Commander snarled. "Now that I think about it, nearly all the trouble we have ever had in Cobra is the fault of your stupid pack of morons!"
"Not all the trouble!" Zartan snapped. "Fifty- fifty maybe! But not all of it!"
"Fifty-fifty?" Tomax snorted.
"More like 90-10," Xamot agreed.
"Are you kidding me? Are you freaking kidding me?" Zartan shouted. "It's 60-40 at the most with you being the 60! If it wasn't for your poor leadership and cockamamie plots that wouldn't fly on kid's Saturday morning cartoon…"
"Poor leadership?" Cobra Commander screamed. "Cockamamie plots? Are you saying my leadership is poor? The man who can't stop his own troops from burning down or blowing up everything in sight is calling my leadership poor?"
"Yeah. Because unlike your troops, mine actually get something accomplished!" Zartan pointed at Cobra Commander in the chest.
"Don't you point your filthy finger at me Zartan!" Cobra Commander's voice grew higher.
"I'll point however I want at you!" Zartan poked Cobra Commander even harder. "Point! Point! Point!" He poked him with each word.
"Uh guys," Monkeywrench was looking out over the cliff. "Eddie's really doing a lot of damage down there."
"Whoa, I think he just ate a school!" Ripper whistled.
"Way to go Eddie!" Torch whooped. "That's sticking it to the system!"
"Hold on, fellows," Road Pig spoke in his Donald persona. He pointed at Zartan and Cobra Commander. "This fight is getting interesting!"
"Stop poking me!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Or what?" Zartan snorted.
"Or else!" Cobra Commander poked him back.
"Oh now you're poking me?" Zartan snapped.
"Do you see any other incompetent idiot I'm also poking?" Cobra Commander poked him again.
"Incompetent? I'm the one who's been keeping this gang of nincompoops afloat!" Zartan poked Cobra Commander back. "If it wasn't for me and my Dreadnoks, Cobra would have been finished years ago!"
"You are taking credit for my leadership?" Cobra Commander poked back.
"What leadership?" Zartan poked back. "All you do is scream and drink! Then blame everyone else when you screw up and take credit when something goes right!"
"I can't believe that you have the gall to speak to me this way!" Cobra Commander poked back harder.
"And I can't believe all the years I wasted waiting for you to pay your bloody bills!" Zartan snapped.
"I can't believe I joined this stupid organization instead of going into my family's fortune telling business," Crystal Ball moaned. He mocked. "No Mom, fortune telling is going out! The real money is in terrorism!"
"And another thing!" Zartan yelled. "From now on, you can steal your own toilet paper!"
"My sister Kristi was right. I would regret joining Cobra," Crystal Ball sighed. "She always did have a gift of precognition."
"I don't know which fight to watch," Torch looked back and forth. "Whoa! Now Eddie's munching on town hall!"
"Since this fight over here concerns our paychecks," Zandar pointed to Zartan and Cobra Commander. "I suggest we focus on that one."
"Right. We can always catch what Eddie does on the news," Monkeywrench nodded.
"You ruined my life!" Zartan yelled.
"What life?" Cobra Commander yelled back. "You call that pathetic existence in that stinking swamp a life you scum sucking nobody?"
"At least it was more peaceful than hearing you whine every day you screeching windbag!" Zartan yelled back.
"You were nothing when I found you!" Cobra Commander snarled. "Nothing! Nothing but a frustrated actor barely getting by on fake alligator handbag scams!"
"And you are less than nothing, you freaky degenerate reject!" Zartan yelled back.
"Now hold on," Mindbender interjected. "We are all tired and cranky because it has been a long day. Let's calm down before we say something we cannot take back."
"SHUT UP MINDBENDER!" Cobra Commander and Zartan yelled at him.
"If it wasn't for me and my organization, you wouldn't have half the reputation you do now! I made you!" Cobra Commander yelled.
"Yeah you made me all right!" Zartan snarled. "Made me the target of a clan of revenge crazed ninjas! Thanks a lot! FOR NOTHING!"
"You know what? This is proof that being in the woods really does clear your head because it is now so clear that you and your Dumb-Knocks have been holding Cobra back from its true greatness!" Cobra Commander hissed.
"Oh please, if anyone is holding anyone back, it's you! Cobra Crud-Mander!" Zartan yelled.
"I'm holding you back?" Cobra Commander mocked. "I am holding you back? That is a laugh! HA! HA! HA! HA! That is so funny my sides are splitting! I suggest you follow their example and split!"
"Fine! We are out of here! Forever! Dreadnoks! Roll out!" Zartan shouted. "From now on, Cobra is our enemy!"
"And you are Cobra's!" Cobra Commander shouted. "You will regret crossing my path!"
"I already do!" Zartan yelled in his face.
Cobra Commander yelled. "If I ever see you losers again I will shoot you!"
"Not if we shoot you first snake face!" Zarana yelled back.
"Next time we see you, you lot are gonna be road kill!" Ripper called out.
"Why wait?" Buzzer snarled as he punched one fist into his open hand.
"You're right!" Zartan realized. "Why wait? GET 'EM!"
"Oh like you are going to…"Cobra Commander guffawed until Zartan punched him. "AAAAAHHH!"
"Get 'em!" Zarana yelled.
"With pleasure!" Torch whooped as the Dreadnoks charged the others.
"Oh this is going to be painful," Mindbender gulped. "AAAAHH!" He ran away.
"Come back here you bloody wanker!" Zarana ran after him.
"Stand still you twin twerps!" Ripper yelled as the other Dreadnoks tried to fight the Crimson Twins.
"Fighting you is…" Tomax quipped.
"Like standing still," Xamot agreed. They dodged the Dreadnoks' attacks with ease.
Until they were both grabbed by the back of the shirt by Road Pig and knocked together with their heads. "Whammo!" Road Pig whooped. "Two for one!"
"OW! OW! OW! MOMMY!" Mindbender screamed as Zarana gave him a wedgie. "Figures! The one time I remember to put on underwear! OW!"
"I'm already dead!" Crystal Ball yelled. "Can't hurt...AAAAAH!" Monkeywrench grabbed him and bowled him straight into a tree. "What do you know? They can hurt me! Ow..."
"Why are you hitting yourself?" Torch mocked as Zartan held Cobra Commander down and hit him with his own fists. "Why are you hitting yourself? Oh wait! Move Zartan! I wanna do this!"
"Do…?" Cobra Commander moaned as he saw the sight of Torch leaning his behind over his face. A foul odor was forced into his face.
"Consider this our formal resignation!" Torch laughed.
"That is disgusting!" Cobra Commander managed to break away and tried to get the smell out of his face.
"You're lucky I didn't let him light a match while he was doing it!" Zartan shouted.
"More lucky that I ran out of matches," Torch admitted.
"He's already been on fire at least once this trip," Monkeywrench said. "Twice would have been redundant."
"You're right. It's been done," Torch agreed.
"And now we're done with these losers!" Zartan sneered. "Dreadnoks, move out!"
"See ya around snake face!" Buzzer laughed as the Dreadnoks took off.
"Go to Hell Dreadnok scum!" Cobra Commander screamed. "You'll be sorry! You hear me? You will be sorry you incited my wrath!"
"Oh…" Tomax got up slowly.
"Our heads…" Xamot moaned as he got up as well.
"Well this is just freaking great!" Cobra Commander kicked the ground and stubbed his toe. "OW! Freaking! Fraking! AGGGGH!"
"I think it is safe to say…" Tomax moaned.
"Things cannot get any worse," Xamot finished.
"Uh not quite," Crystal Ball indicated the other commotion with his eyes.
"Oh right…" Mindbender winced as he walked. "Eddie."
ZZZZZZZOOOOOM!
"Oh look they called in the air force," Mindbender blinked. "Oh yeah. Go ahead and use bombs on Eddie! That will work! NOT!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"You called it," Xamot said.
"Didn't even slow him down," Tomax nodded. "But what do we do now?"
"Well on the upside the army and the local militia are going to be too busy dealing with Eddie so they won't be following us," Cobra Commander groaned.
"And Zartan has taken his Dreadnoks away from us," Mindbender said. "So that's something."
"The downside is that he took the other functioning RV," Xamot sighed.
"We're homeless," Tomax added.
"Again," The Crimson Twins grumbled.
"Now what?" Mindbender asked.
"Anybody got Destro's new address?" Cobra Commander asked.