A Family In The Stars
A/N - Who says Anthy's attempted suicide at the end of the series was the only time she contemplated suicide? Angsty and a bit depressing, but this is Anthy's mind we're exploring here... enjoy ^_^
~*~*
She was ready to walk out. Again. Or so she thought, anyway. Contrary to popular belief, she did have an active mind. Her thoughts just remained... unexposed. And when this person, this one person who tried to delve deep into her subconscious, the one who tried to pry out her emotions came along... She could not accept it. Emotions were one thing, but expressing them was another.
Too much. This girl was too much like her beloved Dios. And this would lead her to her doom. And she would only get hurt.
Then she decided that walking away would not be enough. Maybe she could run away. Run to someone other than her big brother. Yes... She must be rid of him too. Get away from her brother, because her champion made her realize she deserves so much more. But also run away from her champion, because she doesn't deserve her either.
Fall away. Yes, that was the only answer. Plummet to a quick oblivion, and escape the pain through darkness. Eternity in hell would be better than this torment. Anything would be favorable than the hurt she felt at this moment.
Imagine letting the moonlight sky engulf you, letting you dance with the stars in their eternal reverie. Yes, death was what she deserved. And as everything else, she would accept it passively.
Softly, her chocolate touch gently fingered the bed sheets. Her eyes reverently observed the bedroom that her brother had assigned to them. All because of his growing suspicions, and not to mention jealousy. At least it was a just jealousy... She was, perhaps, feeling for this duelist the way he thought she might. And that was why she had to leave.
Try as she may, she could not help but to gaze at her sleeping prince. It had become a hobby of hers to watch her as she slept. It was the way her lips obscurely parted while she slept... Or perhaps it was her soft snoring. Something about watching her feminine prince sleep caused a stir inside of her chest.
But no longer. Because these were the things that reminded her. Lying beside her was a true and noble girl. And she was a detestable witch. And they could never be together. And she wanted the game to end. And she wanted eternity with her prince alone.
Then she realized... None of those things were hers to claim.
An urge to reach out and grab the sleeping hand surfaced, but she quickly fought it back. Quietly, her petite frame slipped out of the bed. Her nightdress brushed across the floor as she precariously stepped. Careful not to create any noise, she reasoned that all she had to do was make it to the balcony. Then, it would all be over.
"Himemiya?" She heard a soft and tired voice call from behind. She mustered up enough will power to continue facing forward, but not enough to keep walking.
"Yes, Utena-sama?" The room was pitched; save for the moonlight shining in through the door she was about to go through. There was a rustling sound as the rose haired girl seemed to be getting out of bed.
"Where are you going?" She asked, her voice sounding as though it would soak into her soul, almost having the power to change her rotten fate.
Even though Utena's innocently curious attitude always brought out these sorts of questions, she always felt an emotional tug whenever this girl showed concern for her.
"I was going out to look at the stars," she lied. For an instant she felt her heart skip a beat after this stretch of the truth. It wasn't until lately that every time she went around the truth, a foreign and untraceable pain arose in her chest. Leaving behind all emotion had been so easy before. Before this entire mess. Now it had gotten to the point where her entire existence was one big lie.
"It would be pretty lonely to watch the stars alone... Can I come with you?" The innocent girl asked. The sound of bare feet touching the cold floor could be heard. She swallowed hard, not finding it in her to be able to turn her down. After all, if her champion wanted to come with her... She couldn't say no...
Still rubbing the sleep from her eyelids, the taller figure stepped out to the balcony. Anthy observed, as she gazed up miraculously at the stars. It was incredible how this girl, this champion of selfishness, could find such relief and escape in looking to the sky. For an instant, she was jealous. Her soul was far too soiled to be cleansed so easily.
"You know what, Himemiya?"
The violet haired woman finally came out to stand next to her champion. The real stars simply were beautiful, she had to admit. It was a much purer sight than Akio's observatory. He dwelled in such artificial ways. She knew she did too... No matter how she tried to escape.
"What is it, Utena-sama?" She inwardly fought with herself to keep her eyes to the stars, instead of placing them on the woman standing to her right. Eventually she lost, and turned her head to see the pink haired duelist, looking to the night sky in complete awe.
"I think... I think I like looking at the real stars with you more than the observatory with Akio."
She sounded almost shy, even though it was like her to openly confess such things. In the dark light, she was almost positive Utena's cheeks were flushed a shade of red. No, it was just her cursed mind trying to make this more difficult for her.
"I do as well, Utena-sama." Inside the Rose Bride kicked herself for saying such a stupid thing. It was true, she did... She enjoyed being with this woman more than anything. Admitting it was the stupid part.
Looking down over the railing, she saw the long fall to the Earth below. That would soon be her fate. Eventually, she knew she had to take a deathly plunge to escape this life. Her thoughts were soon interrupted by Utena's talkative nature.
"I heard that when people die... They become stars so they can watch over their loved ones. But... I also heard another story... That each one of those bright lights in the sky is a family. A happy family. And I bet inside each light is a big sister who has a little brother to care for, and they have loving parents to care for them too," There was a long silence. "Um... What do you think, Himemiya?"
After her touching ramble, Anthy couldn't help but attempt to read what the other girl was thinking. She also tried thinking up a response... This was one of the very rare times in which she wasn't quite positive what the duelist wanted to hear. Oh right... She wanted to hear her real thoughts. The only obvious feelings she received were Utena's curiosity and craving for a real family.
"I don't know, Utena-sama. But, instead of looking at the families in the sky that they will never be able to touch, people should be looking at the family in their every day lives." Good answer, she decided to herself. Not too exposing of her inner thoughts, yet it also would be comforting to Utena.
"Easy for you to say. You have a brother who loves you." She sighed, but her face still bore a small smile.
For a while Anthy debated on telling Utena who she really was to her older brother. He didn't love her. He needed her. There was a distinct difference. But of course she couldn't reveal such information. Time to go around the truth, again...
"You are much more like an older brother to me, Utena-sama," came her reply. It was true of course, Utena acted as a real brother would. Attempting to protect her from the ones who wanted to hurt her. Not leading her through it all.
The tomboy showed one of her comical frowns. "But I don't want to be your brother, Himemiya. I want to be your friend."
She felt an arm on her shoulder. Immediately she stopped leaning over the railing, and turned to see her prince, giving a stern look. The grip on her arm was slightly tense, but not tight enough to cause any discomfort. If this was the reaction she got, that last comment must have upset her. Time to apologize...
"I'm sorry, Utena-sama." After saying that, the taller woman's face softened. She let go of her grip, but stepped closer.
"Don't apologize... If you see me as someone close to you, friend or family, it doesn't matter either way." Utena smiled sincerely.
The urge to cry welled up inside of the Rose Bride. She was disgusted with herself. All this time she lured this poor girl into a tangle, leading to the duel that would imprison her. And here that innocently naïve girl was. Smiling. Smiling, of all things!
"Come on, let's go back to bed." The duelist suggested. When she grabbed hold of her hand, Anthy wished she would use those hands to strangle her. Just squeeze the last ounce of pathetic existence out of her poisoned body. She could picture Utena choking her neck with both hands. Hissing and cursing, being driven with rage when she discovered the lies both Anthy and Akio had fed her all this time.
But Utena didn't know. And she wouldn't, either. Not until it was too late...
"Yes," the darker woman answered. But by the time she did, Utena was already pulling her back inside. She turned back to look at the balcony, realizing she had missed her chance. Tomorrow. Yes, she could hold off until tomorrow... Or maybe just until Utena drifted off to sleep again.
After the two of them were situated on their respective sides of the bed, she could feel Utena's piercing gaze. Instead of making sure the windows to her soul were locked, the Rose Bride stared back at her.
Somehow their hands found each other, and as every other night, their fingers locked. Utena's fatigue became apparent, as she struggled to keep her eyes open.
"How about next time... we watch the stars before we fall asleep?" The duelist asked before her lids finally closed. It was too hard to deny this woman... But it was also too hard to continue with this life in which they could never be together.
"Of course, Utena-sama." She responded, not being able to find a trace of weariness in her body. This woman... This innocent little tomboy made her feel so alive.
"See you in the morning..." Her rosy lips slightly parted as she whispered before drifting off.
Simply perfect. And she could never be hers. A conniving and evil witch could never be part of something as innocent as this.
That's it, young one... Sleep. Live in your dreams, where you can forget this shelled world, and escape to where you really want to be. That somewhere, which must be far, far from this enclosed room touching the stars. Perhaps someday, the two of us can thrive there together. Perhaps someday, we can shine together.
One more lie... Just one last lie, and then never again, I swear...
"Yes, see you in the morning..."
A/N - Who says Anthy's attempted suicide at the end of the series was the only time she contemplated suicide? Angsty and a bit depressing, but this is Anthy's mind we're exploring here... enjoy ^_^
~*~*
She was ready to walk out. Again. Or so she thought, anyway. Contrary to popular belief, she did have an active mind. Her thoughts just remained... unexposed. And when this person, this one person who tried to delve deep into her subconscious, the one who tried to pry out her emotions came along... She could not accept it. Emotions were one thing, but expressing them was another.
Too much. This girl was too much like her beloved Dios. And this would lead her to her doom. And she would only get hurt.
Then she decided that walking away would not be enough. Maybe she could run away. Run to someone other than her big brother. Yes... She must be rid of him too. Get away from her brother, because her champion made her realize she deserves so much more. But also run away from her champion, because she doesn't deserve her either.
Fall away. Yes, that was the only answer. Plummet to a quick oblivion, and escape the pain through darkness. Eternity in hell would be better than this torment. Anything would be favorable than the hurt she felt at this moment.
Imagine letting the moonlight sky engulf you, letting you dance with the stars in their eternal reverie. Yes, death was what she deserved. And as everything else, she would accept it passively.
Softly, her chocolate touch gently fingered the bed sheets. Her eyes reverently observed the bedroom that her brother had assigned to them. All because of his growing suspicions, and not to mention jealousy. At least it was a just jealousy... She was, perhaps, feeling for this duelist the way he thought she might. And that was why she had to leave.
Try as she may, she could not help but to gaze at her sleeping prince. It had become a hobby of hers to watch her as she slept. It was the way her lips obscurely parted while she slept... Or perhaps it was her soft snoring. Something about watching her feminine prince sleep caused a stir inside of her chest.
But no longer. Because these were the things that reminded her. Lying beside her was a true and noble girl. And she was a detestable witch. And they could never be together. And she wanted the game to end. And she wanted eternity with her prince alone.
Then she realized... None of those things were hers to claim.
An urge to reach out and grab the sleeping hand surfaced, but she quickly fought it back. Quietly, her petite frame slipped out of the bed. Her nightdress brushed across the floor as she precariously stepped. Careful not to create any noise, she reasoned that all she had to do was make it to the balcony. Then, it would all be over.
"Himemiya?" She heard a soft and tired voice call from behind. She mustered up enough will power to continue facing forward, but not enough to keep walking.
"Yes, Utena-sama?" The room was pitched; save for the moonlight shining in through the door she was about to go through. There was a rustling sound as the rose haired girl seemed to be getting out of bed.
"Where are you going?" She asked, her voice sounding as though it would soak into her soul, almost having the power to change her rotten fate.
Even though Utena's innocently curious attitude always brought out these sorts of questions, she always felt an emotional tug whenever this girl showed concern for her.
"I was going out to look at the stars," she lied. For an instant she felt her heart skip a beat after this stretch of the truth. It wasn't until lately that every time she went around the truth, a foreign and untraceable pain arose in her chest. Leaving behind all emotion had been so easy before. Before this entire mess. Now it had gotten to the point where her entire existence was one big lie.
"It would be pretty lonely to watch the stars alone... Can I come with you?" The innocent girl asked. The sound of bare feet touching the cold floor could be heard. She swallowed hard, not finding it in her to be able to turn her down. After all, if her champion wanted to come with her... She couldn't say no...
Still rubbing the sleep from her eyelids, the taller figure stepped out to the balcony. Anthy observed, as she gazed up miraculously at the stars. It was incredible how this girl, this champion of selfishness, could find such relief and escape in looking to the sky. For an instant, she was jealous. Her soul was far too soiled to be cleansed so easily.
"You know what, Himemiya?"
The violet haired woman finally came out to stand next to her champion. The real stars simply were beautiful, she had to admit. It was a much purer sight than Akio's observatory. He dwelled in such artificial ways. She knew she did too... No matter how she tried to escape.
"What is it, Utena-sama?" She inwardly fought with herself to keep her eyes to the stars, instead of placing them on the woman standing to her right. Eventually she lost, and turned her head to see the pink haired duelist, looking to the night sky in complete awe.
"I think... I think I like looking at the real stars with you more than the observatory with Akio."
She sounded almost shy, even though it was like her to openly confess such things. In the dark light, she was almost positive Utena's cheeks were flushed a shade of red. No, it was just her cursed mind trying to make this more difficult for her.
"I do as well, Utena-sama." Inside the Rose Bride kicked herself for saying such a stupid thing. It was true, she did... She enjoyed being with this woman more than anything. Admitting it was the stupid part.
Looking down over the railing, she saw the long fall to the Earth below. That would soon be her fate. Eventually, she knew she had to take a deathly plunge to escape this life. Her thoughts were soon interrupted by Utena's talkative nature.
"I heard that when people die... They become stars so they can watch over their loved ones. But... I also heard another story... That each one of those bright lights in the sky is a family. A happy family. And I bet inside each light is a big sister who has a little brother to care for, and they have loving parents to care for them too," There was a long silence. "Um... What do you think, Himemiya?"
After her touching ramble, Anthy couldn't help but attempt to read what the other girl was thinking. She also tried thinking up a response... This was one of the very rare times in which she wasn't quite positive what the duelist wanted to hear. Oh right... She wanted to hear her real thoughts. The only obvious feelings she received were Utena's curiosity and craving for a real family.
"I don't know, Utena-sama. But, instead of looking at the families in the sky that they will never be able to touch, people should be looking at the family in their every day lives." Good answer, she decided to herself. Not too exposing of her inner thoughts, yet it also would be comforting to Utena.
"Easy for you to say. You have a brother who loves you." She sighed, but her face still bore a small smile.
For a while Anthy debated on telling Utena who she really was to her older brother. He didn't love her. He needed her. There was a distinct difference. But of course she couldn't reveal such information. Time to go around the truth, again...
"You are much more like an older brother to me, Utena-sama," came her reply. It was true of course, Utena acted as a real brother would. Attempting to protect her from the ones who wanted to hurt her. Not leading her through it all.
The tomboy showed one of her comical frowns. "But I don't want to be your brother, Himemiya. I want to be your friend."
She felt an arm on her shoulder. Immediately she stopped leaning over the railing, and turned to see her prince, giving a stern look. The grip on her arm was slightly tense, but not tight enough to cause any discomfort. If this was the reaction she got, that last comment must have upset her. Time to apologize...
"I'm sorry, Utena-sama." After saying that, the taller woman's face softened. She let go of her grip, but stepped closer.
"Don't apologize... If you see me as someone close to you, friend or family, it doesn't matter either way." Utena smiled sincerely.
The urge to cry welled up inside of the Rose Bride. She was disgusted with herself. All this time she lured this poor girl into a tangle, leading to the duel that would imprison her. And here that innocently naïve girl was. Smiling. Smiling, of all things!
"Come on, let's go back to bed." The duelist suggested. When she grabbed hold of her hand, Anthy wished she would use those hands to strangle her. Just squeeze the last ounce of pathetic existence out of her poisoned body. She could picture Utena choking her neck with both hands. Hissing and cursing, being driven with rage when she discovered the lies both Anthy and Akio had fed her all this time.
But Utena didn't know. And she wouldn't, either. Not until it was too late...
"Yes," the darker woman answered. But by the time she did, Utena was already pulling her back inside. She turned back to look at the balcony, realizing she had missed her chance. Tomorrow. Yes, she could hold off until tomorrow... Or maybe just until Utena drifted off to sleep again.
After the two of them were situated on their respective sides of the bed, she could feel Utena's piercing gaze. Instead of making sure the windows to her soul were locked, the Rose Bride stared back at her.
Somehow their hands found each other, and as every other night, their fingers locked. Utena's fatigue became apparent, as she struggled to keep her eyes open.
"How about next time... we watch the stars before we fall asleep?" The duelist asked before her lids finally closed. It was too hard to deny this woman... But it was also too hard to continue with this life in which they could never be together.
"Of course, Utena-sama." She responded, not being able to find a trace of weariness in her body. This woman... This innocent little tomboy made her feel so alive.
"See you in the morning..." Her rosy lips slightly parted as she whispered before drifting off.
Simply perfect. And she could never be hers. A conniving and evil witch could never be part of something as innocent as this.
That's it, young one... Sleep. Live in your dreams, where you can forget this shelled world, and escape to where you really want to be. That somewhere, which must be far, far from this enclosed room touching the stars. Perhaps someday, the two of us can thrive there together. Perhaps someday, we can shine together.
One more lie... Just one last lie, and then never again, I swear...
"Yes, see you in the morning..."