Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters.
AN: Another take on the season three finale and the season four opener.
WARNING: Deals with self mutilation.
Claudia sat with her back against the door in the darkened room. Her arms rested limply on her knees as she stared straight ahead though she didn't see anything. Her cheeks were wet and her eyes lids drooped.
She felt cold though she made no attempt to push her sleeves down to cover her bare arms.
She dropped her head down, her hair falling to cover her face though no one was there to see her.
Her shoulders shook as a fresh set of tears effortlessly slipped from her eyes and she didn't bother to wipe them away.
"Claudia?" Myka's gentle voice called hesitantly. Claudia sniffled and then raised her head and rested it against the door," Claudia can I come in?" Myka asked and tried to open the door when she received no reply, "Claudia, I just wanna talk," Myka said and let go of the door once she figured out that Claudia was leaning against it.
"Go away Myka." Claudia's unusually harsh voice said.
The response took Myka by surprise and she was silent for a moment.
"Claudia, I know this is hard for you-"
"Leave me alone Myka, I don't want to talk to anyone," Claudia interrupted and Myka could practically feel the ice that was forming around the girls heart through the way she spoke.
"Claudia, I think it's best if aren't by yourself this-"
"I said leave me ALONE!" Claudia cried and Myka gave up, lowering her head in defeat and walking away. Walking to her own room she closed the door.
But once there, she had no idea what to do next. She knew that if she was honest with herself, she didn't want to be around other people either. But she also knew that if she let the emotions flow freely, she may lose control over them just as Claudia was.
Reaching out to help Claudia was her plan for helping herself.
Back in Claudia's room, in the silence, the darkness of the day crept up on her again, this time filling her with anger that was fuelled by her heart ache and had no where to go.
Myka slid down the door and sat on the ground, her elbows on her knees and her hands in her hair. Her thoughts were of the woman who had captured her heart, broken it and then re-captured it, though ownership was never claimed.
Already she missed Helena's presence.
Claudia was also missing some one. Steve Jinks. Steve was like a second brother to her, and she knew that Steve thought of her as a second sister. Together they had bonded over the loss of loved ones and through everything that had happened they had remained friends until the end.
The loss of such a person had a devastating effect on the poor girl and it showed as she cried without restraint.
Myka too was now in tears in her own room as she thought of the sacrifice Helena had made and the mouthed confessions of HG's final moments.
Her sadness turned inward as her mind started the 'what if?' game.
But the red headed teen in her room was on thinking along the same thoughts though their positions were mirrored. No, not at all, Claudia was a path of self-destruction as she was quickly filling with anger at what Sykes had taken from her.
She stood up and started tearing her room apart angrily. She stepped up to her bed and yanked the sheets off it growling in frustration. Then she turned and moved to her desk where wires, various tools and little bits of electronics lay all strewn about and she looked at them for a moment before swiping them off and yelling as she did so.
"Ah!" She then cried and the sudden pain and she looked at her arm. A long thin slice ran across her arm and she stared at it, her head tipped to the side as watched blood seep out of the open cut with an apparent fixation with it.
But then she snapped out of the trance and returned to ransacking her room. She turned her draws and started throwing everything out of them.
To an onlooker it might look as if she were going mad, and while she was going mad with grief, there was a method to her madness. She was looking for an item that she hidden long ago. And not long after she'd emptied the draws and attacked the bookshelf, she found what she was looking and she flicked it open.
Upon returning to her spot against the door she let her grief consume her because it was easier than trying to fight it, and she didn't feel as if she had the strength to if she tried.
Over in Myka's room, Myka moved to get up off the floor with the intention on sitting on the bed since it was much more comfortable than the wooden floor, but as soon as she'd moved, there was a knock on the door.
She turned towards it and debated going towards it.
If it's Artie offering cookies again, I will kill him… But if it's Claudia I really should let her in and try to help her. Myka debated.
"Myka? Can I come in?" The voice asked and then the door opened a bit and a head popped in.
Pete… hmm… Myka wasn't sure what to think of his appearance.
"Yeah, come in Pete."
"Thanks," he whispered and closed the door after he entered, "You okay?" He asked.
"Yeah," Myka said not too convincingly, "Yeah I'm fine thanks Pete." She said and put her hands in her jeans pockets.
"You sure Mykes? Cos I think you're the only one who hasn't completely broken down yet," Pete said and as if on cue they could hear as Claudia yelled and tore her room to pieces, "And I know that you said in order for you to not 'lose it' you just had to keep pushing forward…" Pete trailed off and then decided to cut to the point more directly, "I guess I'm trying to ask if your okay now that there's nothing more to do." he said and tried to figure out what was going on in Myka's head.
Myka was quiet. Her head down cast and her shoulder were low.
She didn't trust her voice but upon looking up at her partner, she knew she didn't have to anything.
He saw the unshed tears there and he accepted her outcast arms and pulled her towards him in rare hug.
Pete his partner well enough to know that HG gone Myka felt lost and was looking for something to stay connected to. So tried to be there for her.
"You Myka, normally this the woman's line, but here goes anyway," He said, trying to lighten the mood with a bit of humour, "It's okay to cry you know?" He said.
"I know," Myka said very quietly, "I'm getting there," She said as objects suddenly lost their sharpness and became blurred.
Myka pulled away as the first tear fell and she turned away. She walked over to the window and sat on the seat there and Pete sat next to her, putting his arm around her shoulders and rubbing her arm.
For Pete, this was his way of staying in control. To help those around him not coping with the teams losses.
Myka was grateful that Pete chose to come into her room as she now cried into his shoulder until she exhausted herself and fell asleep.
Artie and Leena stood in the corridor.
"I don't know how to help any of them." Artie said to Leena.
"Artie, they are dealing with every thing in their own ways and they are helping each other," Leena tried to assure the older man but he didn't look convinced, "Listen, what do you hear Artie?"
"Nothing," he said.
"Exactly, Claudia's exhausted herself enough that she can sleep, and Myka's cried out her emotions for the evening and fallen asleep, and Pete… Well Pete feels bad that he doesn't feel as bad as everyone else." Leena said and Arite just huffed, "And you Artie are copping by turning your attention to every one else and neglecting yourself. Go. Go to bed Artie." Leena said.
"Guess you're right." Artie said and headed off down the corridor, "Night." He said.
The next morning Myka woke up disoriented. She sat up and found that she had been lying on her bed.
How did I get here? She wondered, Pete must have moved me. She concluded and that brought back the memories of the night before.
Claudia. Myka thought and bolted off the bed and quietly ran down the hall.
"Claudia?" Myka said quietly as she gently pushed the door open and this time, she met no resistance.
The room was a complete mess. There were sheets on the floor, and books and clothes and tools and a few items that she couldn't name.
Amongst the mess lay the teen on her side, her back facing the door.
Myka moved her way through the mess and put her hand on the back of Claudia's shoulder, trying to wake her. But as she got near, she found a horrifying sight.
"Oh god…" Myka breathed.
Upon Claudia's left arm dozens of bloodied cuts lay.
"Claudia?" Myka called.
"Myka?" Leena called form the doorway, "What's-"
"Leena, quick, get a first aid kit and wake the others, Claudia's cut herself!" Myka called and Leena stepped into the room in shock.
"What?" She asked in disbelief and upon stepping up to the girl she saw the marks that Claudia's arm bore and then retreated, "I'll get the others," She confirmed.
"Claudia," Myka said louder this time and shook the young woman, "Claudia!" She yelled.
Claudia flinched and her eyes shot open, "Myka!" She cried in surprise as she sat up and quickly pulled her sleeves down to cover her arms, "Wh-what are you doing in here?" She asked, feeling like her safe haven was no longer safe.
"Claudia, what have you done?" Myka asked rhetorically and reached for Claudia's arm, but as Myka expected, she pulled back, "Claudia?" Myka questioned. She wanted to hear it from Claudia.
Claudia didn't look at Myka and was instead looking at her fingernails.
Myka reached for Claudia's arm again, and again she pulled away. But Myka had the advantage of being taller, stronger and well trained. She quickly counter acted Claudia's defences and pushed the white sleeve up, revealing the cuts.
Claudia sighed in defeat and kept her head downcast.
"What's going on?" Pete asked as Leena and Artie appeared in the door way and all three of them saw what Claudia had done as Myka held her arm out for them to see.
"Claudia, how could you do this to your self?"
It was the question every one was thinking, but it was Arite who voiced it.
Claudia looked up at him and she swore that she saw disappointment in his eyes (though it was actually just concern), which only worsened her mood.
Leena stepped in, thinking that perhaps alerting everyone so suddenly was not such a good idea, and she shut the door, "We'll bring her out when she's ready." Leena said and then took the first aid Kit to Myka.
"Claudia, are you going to talk to me or will we have to sit in here all day?" Myka asked as she held tightly to Claudia's wrist so she couldn't move away.
Claudia said nothing and kept trying to free her wrist from Myka's grasp.
"Claudia," Leena began when she noticed Claudia's struggle to be free of Myka's hold, "Why don't you want us to help you?"
"What is there to do?" She spoke for the first time that day.
Leena handed Myka the items that she asked for and together the bandaged Claudia's arm.
"We can help you Claud, you just had to ask, or just accept the offer I gave you last night," Myka said.
"You can't help me unless you can bring back Steve."
"Claudia I know this is hard, believe me I do, but you will get past this," Myka said.
"How can you say that?! Steve and HG are DEAD!"
The words stung but Myka knew that she ad to be strong for Claudia.
"Claudia why did you cut yourself?"
"It didn't hurt," Claudia defended.
"So because your too hurt to feel pain you cut your self open over a dozen times?" Myka asked but Claudia didn't answer, "Why di you do it?"
Claudia sighed and pulled her bandaged arm from Myka's grasp and pulled the sleeve down. She drew her knee up and hugged it, "You want to know why I cut myself roughly 27 times?!" Claudia said, but her number was exact and her anger was escalating by the second, "I cut my self because it felt right!" She yelled and got up, moving away from the two women.
Leena and Myka looked at each other for a moment and Leena could see that the two would be better if they spoke alone, so she took the first aid box and left the room.
"It felt right?" Myka questioned and stood up.
"Yes! It felt right!" Claudia repeated and turned around to find Myka standing right in front of her.
"Claudia, slicing your self up into little pieces isn't going to help!" Myka said, "And what do you think Steve would say if he knew what you were doing?"
"Oh don't give me that!" Claudia yelled.
"And why not?!" Myka yelled back, "Do you think Steve would approve of you mutilating yourself because he sacrificed himself to save you?"
"I don't think he would." A voice said from the door. Both women turned to the door where Mrs. Frederick stood, "But why don't you ask him yourself?" She asked and stepped back so Steve could walk in.
"Steve?!" Claudia blinked and then ran to him, her arms holding onto him tightly, a feeling of mass elation filled her as his arms closed around her, "Steve," she repeated, "Oh my god…" She was stunned, "You're alive…" She said as tears filled her eyes again, but this time because of how happy she felt.
Well that didn't turn out anything like I had intended… But hey, these things to write themselves!