GALADRIEL: I feel it in the water... i feel it in the earth... i smell it
in the air!!! DAMN! WHO JUST LET ONE! GAWD ya'll gotta learn how to control
yourself! [glares evilly at Saruman, who is hunched in a corner behind the
camera, laughing insanely at the smell of his own gas. He starts to drool
at the mouth and begins to twitch. then he goes silent]
GALADRIEL:ANYWAY! so... much that once was was lost. for none now live becuase of the goddamn smell around here to remember it! unfortunately us elves cant die by gassing! thats why saddam never managed to gas us out! [holds up a can of gas and sprays it in her face, hoping it will subdue the nasty stench left by the previous bowl movement]
[shakes it off and tries to concentrate]
it began with the forging of the great shoes. 3 magnificent and trendy pairs were given to the elves, because, hell- we ROCK!
7, to the dwarf dorks- er... lords, because they were in desperate need of fashion overhauls.
and 9, 9 pairs of perfectly hygeine clean shoes were given to the race of men, because their shoes were moldy and smelled so bad they could make a hobbit fall off a wagon.
but another pair of shoes was made. in the land of moldwhore, the great jewelry professional Sauron custom made a pair of such elegant ruby slippers that every other pair of shoes looked like shit [sniff sniff]. his ugly sister [and i mean UGLY= u-g-l-y she aint go no alibi she ugly! yeah yeah she ugly!~] Wicky Witchie Poo of the Western Hemisphere was soooo jealous that she tried to bewitch them to float to her from outside Sauron's bedroom window one night while Sauron nodded off at his sexual torture table.
Unfortunately, they fell into a cauldron right before she got them because her eye contact was broken and she got run over by a mobile home. Sauron woke up to find them practically ruined, and so Witchie Poo didnt want them anymore [not to mention she was in a body cast which prohibited her from wearing them]. However, Sauron managed to restore them and found they had magical powers. He tried to control the land, taking all the emeralds and smacking little hobbits with them whenever they went past his jewelry store.
But there were some men and elves who got pissed because Sauron couldnt aim for shit and usually hit them instead. So Sauron made a deal with all these ugly orcs that if they would fight the pissed off men and elves in a "last blue-light special shop till you drop" battle that he would make all of them really pretty tiaras-- they agreed, naturally. So one day, on the sidewalks of the Tannersville Shopping Mall, the men, elves and hideous orcs got their shopping carts ready- there was a swarming of all races as they entered the mall slamming into eachother, grabbing every luxurious clothing item and thensome that one could think of.
Surely, the elves were in the lead, lagging behind them were the men, and at the end of the pack were the orcs, confused and bewildered at what to buy. Sauron was pissed that they didnt know what the hell they were doing, so he marched on over (from his Jewelry store which happened to be in the mall) and smacked everyone out of the way. while doing this, he accidentally knocked one of the head elves into a dressing room where he became so obsessed with himself that he refused to come back out and fight.
They thought the fight was over, when some rookie shopper, Isildur, was so mad that his dad had fallen into a clothesrack and couldnt get up that he took his fathers credit card and tried to beat Sauron to the counter, but Sauron quickly pulled out a pair of scissors and cut the card in half. In a last attempt to keep his familys dignity, his life, and a fair chance at a new wardrobe, Isildur reached into his pocket and pulled out the money he earned the night before at the strip bar. Sauron didnt get paid yet, and not to mention the jewelry business had been going downhill lately, so he began to storm off into the great blue yonder, when he tripped on a stone and fell into a neverending pothole that was being worked on by PENN DOT at the time.
Sadly for him, his ruby slippers fell off and Isildur grabbed them, amazed by their beauty. Elrond, one of the highest ranking elves, was so jealous that Isildur got them first that he told Isildur to throw them in the storage room, where he might be able to get them later. Isildur didnt believe him, and he wore them out of the store. While Isildur was going home, he was attacked by orcs because they were ticked off that now they wouldnt be getting their tiaras. Isildur ran into a pond, helpless and wondering what he should do, when all of a sudden three weird people -- well two men and a ... thingy came running out of the woods and ran straight into the orcs-
"I think we're almost there Master Jinn!" screamed the younger man, appearing to be an apprentice of some sort.
"uh oh!" screamed the thingy. "me no likes dis!" it yelped again.
"What is WRONG Jar Jar?!?!?" -- the older man gasped as he saw the huge swarming number of orcs. "Obi-Wan, prepare your lightsaber!"
"Yes Master Jinn!" The two men took out these huge sticks that glowed in the dark and made really cool swooshy sounds. they began to swing at the orcs who started to attack them.
:::SWOOOSH!::: [orc keels over on the ground near the pond, tongue hanging out of its mouth-- younger man, apparently named Obi-Wan, runs to kill another but trips on the dead orc and accidentally kills Isildur. Isildur does the dead mans float-- only hes REALLY dead and the slippers fall off. Obi-Wan and Master Jinn think nothing of it, and they jump into the water.... perhaps seeking a destination. The creature ... Jar Jar... followed them]
and some things that were not supposed to be forgotten were lost, along with a very expensive and powerful pair of ruby slippers. the days when you could have a blue-light special soon became history, then history became legend, and legend became myth. and for 2 and a half thousand years the ruby slippers and the blue light specials past out of all knowledge...
until one day, when chance came, the ruby slippers ensnared a new bearer. they came to the fashion model gollum, who took them onto the model ramp in the confines of his own studio. there, they consumed him. every way the light glimmered on the precious ruby slippers he found orgasmic. every time he had an orgasm he would groan "gollum! gollum!"... nasty little vermin, he was. so he called them "my pretty!"
anywho, this studio was fairly unknown, and no one really went there. somehow, the magical powers must have brought gollum unnaturally long orgasms-- er... life. for 500 years it poisoned his fashion sense, and he eventually lost all awareness of what he wore at all, thus causing the downfall of his business. he decided on wearing a barbaric loin cloth and insisted that he looked sexy as long as he wore the slippers. he didnt even bathe- he was so obsessed that his unwashed hair began to fall out. but i guess everything has to come to an end.
Gollum was in a strange mood one day, and was cleaning out his closet of loin cloths and left the ruby slippers unattended at the counter, you know, because no one ever went there [cant blame them!]. something happened that i dont think even the author of this slash story intended. the studio was trespassed on by the most likely creature imaginable.
Bilbo Baggins of the shire- of COURSE it was a hobbit! what other dumbass would go into a deserted old modeling studio in search of a contract?!? well, anyway, Bilbo walked into the studio expecting to be bombarded by modeling offers, figuring that he was a sexy bitch *cough cough* EWWW *cough cough*, but he was bewildered and beside himself when no one ran up to him.
so he went to the counter and saw the slippers. he thought he would look great in the whole cross dressing garb, so he slipped them on. he looked like a freak- but what else is new?!? so he began to dance in them, singing a famous song "theres no place like home", and tapped the heals together 3 times. he magically disappeared WITH the shoes and was back in the shire. he picked up the slippers and shouted- "KEWL!".
About 2 minutes later Gollum walked back to the counter to check on his pretty, but they were gone! he started to cry and cry and BLAH BLAH FRIGGIN BLAHDY BLAH. its quite ironic that bilbo found the slippers, for the time would soon... or i guess NOT so soon come when hobbits would shape the fashion designs of all... oh yeah and the fate of the world too.
GALADRIEL:ANYWAY! so... much that once was was lost. for none now live becuase of the goddamn smell around here to remember it! unfortunately us elves cant die by gassing! thats why saddam never managed to gas us out! [holds up a can of gas and sprays it in her face, hoping it will subdue the nasty stench left by the previous bowl movement]
[shakes it off and tries to concentrate]
it began with the forging of the great shoes. 3 magnificent and trendy pairs were given to the elves, because, hell- we ROCK!
7, to the dwarf dorks- er... lords, because they were in desperate need of fashion overhauls.
and 9, 9 pairs of perfectly hygeine clean shoes were given to the race of men, because their shoes were moldy and smelled so bad they could make a hobbit fall off a wagon.
but another pair of shoes was made. in the land of moldwhore, the great jewelry professional Sauron custom made a pair of such elegant ruby slippers that every other pair of shoes looked like shit [sniff sniff]. his ugly sister [and i mean UGLY= u-g-l-y she aint go no alibi she ugly! yeah yeah she ugly!~] Wicky Witchie Poo of the Western Hemisphere was soooo jealous that she tried to bewitch them to float to her from outside Sauron's bedroom window one night while Sauron nodded off at his sexual torture table.
Unfortunately, they fell into a cauldron right before she got them because her eye contact was broken and she got run over by a mobile home. Sauron woke up to find them practically ruined, and so Witchie Poo didnt want them anymore [not to mention she was in a body cast which prohibited her from wearing them]. However, Sauron managed to restore them and found they had magical powers. He tried to control the land, taking all the emeralds and smacking little hobbits with them whenever they went past his jewelry store.
But there were some men and elves who got pissed because Sauron couldnt aim for shit and usually hit them instead. So Sauron made a deal with all these ugly orcs that if they would fight the pissed off men and elves in a "last blue-light special shop till you drop" battle that he would make all of them really pretty tiaras-- they agreed, naturally. So one day, on the sidewalks of the Tannersville Shopping Mall, the men, elves and hideous orcs got their shopping carts ready- there was a swarming of all races as they entered the mall slamming into eachother, grabbing every luxurious clothing item and thensome that one could think of.
Surely, the elves were in the lead, lagging behind them were the men, and at the end of the pack were the orcs, confused and bewildered at what to buy. Sauron was pissed that they didnt know what the hell they were doing, so he marched on over (from his Jewelry store which happened to be in the mall) and smacked everyone out of the way. while doing this, he accidentally knocked one of the head elves into a dressing room where he became so obsessed with himself that he refused to come back out and fight.
They thought the fight was over, when some rookie shopper, Isildur, was so mad that his dad had fallen into a clothesrack and couldnt get up that he took his fathers credit card and tried to beat Sauron to the counter, but Sauron quickly pulled out a pair of scissors and cut the card in half. In a last attempt to keep his familys dignity, his life, and a fair chance at a new wardrobe, Isildur reached into his pocket and pulled out the money he earned the night before at the strip bar. Sauron didnt get paid yet, and not to mention the jewelry business had been going downhill lately, so he began to storm off into the great blue yonder, when he tripped on a stone and fell into a neverending pothole that was being worked on by PENN DOT at the time.
Sadly for him, his ruby slippers fell off and Isildur grabbed them, amazed by their beauty. Elrond, one of the highest ranking elves, was so jealous that Isildur got them first that he told Isildur to throw them in the storage room, where he might be able to get them later. Isildur didnt believe him, and he wore them out of the store. While Isildur was going home, he was attacked by orcs because they were ticked off that now they wouldnt be getting their tiaras. Isildur ran into a pond, helpless and wondering what he should do, when all of a sudden three weird people -- well two men and a ... thingy came running out of the woods and ran straight into the orcs-
"I think we're almost there Master Jinn!" screamed the younger man, appearing to be an apprentice of some sort.
"uh oh!" screamed the thingy. "me no likes dis!" it yelped again.
"What is WRONG Jar Jar?!?!?" -- the older man gasped as he saw the huge swarming number of orcs. "Obi-Wan, prepare your lightsaber!"
"Yes Master Jinn!" The two men took out these huge sticks that glowed in the dark and made really cool swooshy sounds. they began to swing at the orcs who started to attack them.
:::SWOOOSH!::: [orc keels over on the ground near the pond, tongue hanging out of its mouth-- younger man, apparently named Obi-Wan, runs to kill another but trips on the dead orc and accidentally kills Isildur. Isildur does the dead mans float-- only hes REALLY dead and the slippers fall off. Obi-Wan and Master Jinn think nothing of it, and they jump into the water.... perhaps seeking a destination. The creature ... Jar Jar... followed them]
and some things that were not supposed to be forgotten were lost, along with a very expensive and powerful pair of ruby slippers. the days when you could have a blue-light special soon became history, then history became legend, and legend became myth. and for 2 and a half thousand years the ruby slippers and the blue light specials past out of all knowledge...
until one day, when chance came, the ruby slippers ensnared a new bearer. they came to the fashion model gollum, who took them onto the model ramp in the confines of his own studio. there, they consumed him. every way the light glimmered on the precious ruby slippers he found orgasmic. every time he had an orgasm he would groan "gollum! gollum!"... nasty little vermin, he was. so he called them "my pretty!"
anywho, this studio was fairly unknown, and no one really went there. somehow, the magical powers must have brought gollum unnaturally long orgasms-- er... life. for 500 years it poisoned his fashion sense, and he eventually lost all awareness of what he wore at all, thus causing the downfall of his business. he decided on wearing a barbaric loin cloth and insisted that he looked sexy as long as he wore the slippers. he didnt even bathe- he was so obsessed that his unwashed hair began to fall out. but i guess everything has to come to an end.
Gollum was in a strange mood one day, and was cleaning out his closet of loin cloths and left the ruby slippers unattended at the counter, you know, because no one ever went there [cant blame them!]. something happened that i dont think even the author of this slash story intended. the studio was trespassed on by the most likely creature imaginable.
Bilbo Baggins of the shire- of COURSE it was a hobbit! what other dumbass would go into a deserted old modeling studio in search of a contract?!? well, anyway, Bilbo walked into the studio expecting to be bombarded by modeling offers, figuring that he was a sexy bitch *cough cough* EWWW *cough cough*, but he was bewildered and beside himself when no one ran up to him.
so he went to the counter and saw the slippers. he thought he would look great in the whole cross dressing garb, so he slipped them on. he looked like a freak- but what else is new?!? so he began to dance in them, singing a famous song "theres no place like home", and tapped the heals together 3 times. he magically disappeared WITH the shoes and was back in the shire. he picked up the slippers and shouted- "KEWL!".
About 2 minutes later Gollum walked back to the counter to check on his pretty, but they were gone! he started to cry and cry and BLAH BLAH FRIGGIN BLAHDY BLAH. its quite ironic that bilbo found the slippers, for the time would soon... or i guess NOT so soon come when hobbits would shape the fashion designs of all... oh yeah and the fate of the world too.