A/N: I've been toying with writing this story for some time now, I just never could figure out just how I wanted it to go. This is going to take place in New Moon, just after the cliff diving incident. Alice never saw Bella jump, therefor Edward never went to Italy on his suicidal trip, and Bella never left to save him. It explores some of the other facets of Bella and Jacob's relationship. What would have been if Edward had not returned. From where I'm writing now, Edward will not return in this story.
This scene starts off in Bella's truck, as Jake is dropping her off at home to greet Charlie after Harry has died. She is contemplating telling Jacob how she feels, and trying to return the comfort he has continued to give her. Jake embraces her, and she hears one final hallucination of Edward's voice, telling her "Be happy".
Bella's POV:
"Be happy."
Edwards voice rang clear in my head as Jacob held me against him. I stiffened, so completely caught off guard by the declaration my subconscious had delivered just now. The truth was, I wanted to be happy. I wanted to try at least. I was tired of living in a shell of myself, watching as I withered away before everyone else, so helpless and fragile.
Jacob mistook my body language to mean I was uncomfortable with his embrace, and he immediately freed me from his arms, giving a light chuckle as he reached across me to push open the passenger door of the truck. The ancient metal groaned in protest against the force of his hand. "Jake, wait. I have some things I need to say." My voice trembled slightly. I hoped he wouldn't notice.
"I'd love to stay, but I really should get back to Sam and the others. We want to get a head start on that leech before she gets away again. Could it wait, just for a little while?" He gave me a warm smile, though it was tinged with frustration, and maybe a bit of weariness behind his eyes. He must be exhausted still. I felt guilty about the trouble I'd caused him with the cliff diving incident earlier.
"Sure thing. Charlie will be here soon, anyway." I shrugged. "And please.. please be careful.." I turned to look towards his face, lifting my head so that I could see his eyes a bit easier. He towered above me still. He just laughed, clearly not concerned with his own well being. "Relax, Bella. I promise you don't have to worry. She's no match for us." He winked at me, pulling me closer for a brief hug once more before he got out of the truck and started lightly jogging towards the edge of the trees surrounding my house. I slowly walked up the steps of the porch, watching as he disappeared in the distance. My heart ached for him, and how lightheartedly he strode headfirst into danger.
I pushed the thought from my mind as I turned the key in the lock and headed inside. Charlie would be back shortly, starving I'm sure. I tried to keep my mind busy as I heated up some leftovers for myself and Charlie. Unfortunately, once I shoved the lasagna into the oven, there was nothing else to do but wait in the silence, and contemplate everything.
The past six months felt like years. They had drug on and on, not waiting for me to catch up, it seemed. I glanced out the window and caught my reflection in the glass. The picture was astounding, and not in a good way. I looked sallow. Empty. I saw then what it must have been like for everyone, watching me sink into this abyss on my own. Guilt washed over me again as I thought of Charlie, and all I'd put him through. How did I let it get this bad? And over a love that was doomed from the start. I knew that. And still, I had let it tear me apart. Even putting myself in danger over and over again, just to fulfill a sick fantasy perpetuated by my own disturbed subconscience. Just to hear his voice. Piece by piece I had given myself away. I had nothing left. At least, nothing until Jacob came along. He somehow bound me together again, waiting for me all along. Never asking for anything in return. And selfishly I had just continued to take and take. How was that fair? How was that right? It wasn't, and I realized that now. I realized something else as well. I thought my heart was irreparably broken. Gone. Unrecognizable. Now I knew that Jacob held it for me. He had watched it fall to pieces and still, he did not turn away, as nearly everyone else had. He waited.
Tears filled my eyes as I came through my epiphany. That was real love. Unselfish. Giving unconditionally. A stark contrast to...before. I wrapped my arm around my chest, ready to hold myself together again. I found I didn't need it quite as much as I expected. When.. Edward.. I forced myself to think his name.. When he had been here, when he had loved me, it had felt so right. I had never known anything like it. How could I then realize how wrong it really was? How my infatuation with him was so misplaced, as was his? He had loved me in his own way, I was sure, but that was doomed from the beginning. From the first moment our eyes had met, a magnet pulled us together, both of us unable or unwilling to turn away. My blood called to him, just as everything about him had called to me. Of course a pull that strong would leave something else in its wake. But I looked at it with new eyes now, and I could see how it was right for us to say goodbye. It hurt still, but it was right. Edward and I never would have been able to escape the incessant way his whole being was designed to be my end. And I could.. What? End my life in exchange for that escape for him? I shook my head. Even he knew how that would have hurt me, how wrong it was, even when I couldn't see. In a way I was thankful to him for that.
The oven timer blared loudly, bringing me out of my stupor. I wondered briefly how long it had been going off. I shook my head again, clearing my thoughts, as I grabbed an oven mitt and retrieved the lasagna. I began slicing up two portions when I heard the front door creak open, and heavy footsteps followed. Charlie trudged slowly into the kitchen, his face turned down towards the floor, despair clearly evident in his features.
"Oh Charlie, I'm so sorry." I walked swiftly towards him and wrapped my arms around his torso. He seemed surprised at first, then relaxed into me, embracing me in return. We stayed like that a moment, a silent exchange between us, before he pulled back and sat himself in the chair next to him, not looking up at me.
"Thanks, Bells. I, uh, appreciate it." He coughed, looking up at me with red rimmed eyes. My heart ached for him, though I could sense he did not want to call attention to it any further. I served him his plate, quietly contemplating what to say next.
"It was just so unexpected. Poor Sue. And she's got those two kids. I couldn't imagine.." He trailed off then, taking a bite of his food. I sat beside him and did the same. I don't know what I would do if I lost Charlie. I shivered, realizing I had almost made that decision not too long ago.
"I couldn't imagine either." I shook my head, trying not to think of it anymore.
Charlie didn't say anything else, and we ate in silence. I cleaned the kitchen after we were done, trying to keep myself busy. Charlie said goodnight a bit earlier than usual and retired upstairs. I followed him shortly, though I desperately needed a shower before I tried to sleep. Try being the main goal. I couldn't concentrate on letting my body relax enough to sleep when I thought of the russet wolf out there somewhere, searching for the fire headed monster intent on my demise.