"That's the trouble with loving a wild thing: you're always left watching the door."

-Edith Pattou

"Solas…" My feet echoed on the cold stone as I climbed the stairs, my left leg burning ever so slightly from the minor burn I had received from Corypheus' red lyrium dragon. "Solas?"

His deep eyes that had once lit up so brightly now held a deep regret – a pain so solid my heart stopped as I saw him, bent over Corypheus' shattered orb as though it held some greater burden than a simple elven artifact. "Solas… I'm so sorry," my voice sounded heavy as I came within reach of him, his body tensing and his breathing strained. "I – I know you wanted the orb… I tried to save it, Solas, I really did."

Around us, the sounds of people approaching grew, shouts of victory and confusion floating into the sky, meeting with the questioning voices of our companions scattered from the final explosion that had erupted at Corypheus' end. "It was not your fault, ma vhenan," he spoke. Ma vhenan - my heart.

His words sent my heart into a flurry of emotion, burning with a pain I could no longer bear. "Solas, please–" my voice broke as hot tears threatened to take the heavy plunge down my cheeks.

"There's more to it," he replied, his voice barely above a whisper. He glanced back down at the broken orb and as the light caught his eyes, a shimmer of a single tear flickered for a second before he blinked it back. For a moment, I didn't know if he spoke of us, or the orb; but it didn't matter – I was hurting, yearning for a reason. I wanted nothing more than to understand.

"You promised me an explanation once all of this was over," I reminded him, my voice a strong demand for the truth. The people of the Inquisition had made their way deeper into the ruined building, their footsteps loud against the stone as it reverberated throughout the falling walls; it wouldn't be long before we were swallowed by their presence.

Solas whispered something in Elvish, something I didn't catch, and before I knew it, he had taken my hand in his. Turning it over in his own, he peered down at my palm as though it were broken porcelain, scarred and so very fragile. "I… I wanted so many times to tell you… to tell you the truth," his voice trailed off as though it were simply absorbed into the atmosphere around us. His speaking was forced then; his words seemed like sand slipping through his hands as he desperately grasped at grains he could cling to. He kept his head cast downward, towards my shaking hand in his. "Dae, I am – " Whatever he said after that was drowned out by the shouts of our fellow companions as they reached the bottom of the stairs, along with what seemed to be all the inhabitants of Skyhold itself. A heavy sigh of defeat escaped his parted lips as he allowed my hand to fall out of his. "It is no matter…"

"But – "

I was cut off by Cassandra's booming voice. "Inquisitor!"

Solas' eyes caught mine in a momentary exchange of fleeting understanding. I had a duty that had to be fulfilled. My breath felt like a stone caught in my lungs as I took a quick glance up at the sky - a spectrum of colors dancing in wild spirals where the Breach had once been. I turned my back to the man who had shown me the world, not as I knew it, but as he saw it and I couldn't help but break as I realized my whole entire being loved him fully. Everything inside of me ached for him to kiss me, to hold me and tell me he didn't mean for this to happen… that he was wrong about us.

My mind begged me to see the reason behind it all.

But I couldn't.

"It's funny the things that change us, you know..." I whispered to him, my back a wall shielding me from his eyes that I could so willingly find myself lost in. I wondered how it could be so calm now; I wondered how the whole world could be so calm when I was breaking inside. "I could face down legions of demons and platoons of red Templars," I continued, surprised at how strong my voice sounded although I was dying inside. "Throw a few dragons at me – fine. But nothing… nothing compares to the pain of a broken heart. And I think it's because death is inevitable; I don't fear that. But love is unexpected – a wild thing, its very nature almost reflects your own, Solas." My voice broke a little as I spoke his name and I turned then to face him. He was staring at me, his look of serenity over taken by confusion. "Love can't be tamed. It can't be contained. It goes its own way and even though you want so badly to hold it, to call it your own, you know it was never yours to hold. Love is misunderstood and misused and still, despite it all it is the most beautiful thing you can ever taste – like the purest magic ever known. And it may very well be the death of me." I realized then that I was crying; tears were running in ragged currents down my face as I stared into the eyes that I had tried so hard to avoid. They were magnets, pulling me in every time I came near him, and never allowing me to leave. They were foaming clouds of grey drowning in an ocean of the most beautiful blue ever created. I watched as a film of almost-tears formed over the currents of his eyes. "You... You will be the death of me," I whispered finally, the sounds of the anxious crowd growing.

Solas inhaled deeply. My words had affected him, but in what way I didn't know. All I wanted in that moment was for him to know the truth. "I won't give up on you, Solas. I will always wait for you."

In Elvish he replied, "You will always be left disappointed." The pain in his voice revealed his true nature, although he tried so hard to hide it and I could only be left wondering why…

Why.

Cassandra cleared her throat from behind me and I spun around, wiping the tears hurriedly from my eyes. She gestured down the stairs and I followed her down to address the crowd. Hesitantly, she glanced back behind us at the wounded Solas. "How much of that did you hear?" I asked nervously.

"I didn't hear anything you didn't want me to," she told me, turning her head upward and away in a show of loyalty, her face breaking in a wonderful half-grin that almost lightened my hurting heart.

I laughed in spite of myself and I grabbed her hand and gave it a tight squeeze. "Thank you," I mouthed, to which she smiled in a way that only Cassandra could.

After a quick speech to the gathered forces of the Inquisition, they bolted off to celebrate our victory. As I was being swept away by the masses of people, I turned to see where Solas was, but I couldn't seem to find him.

He was gone.

"Leliana! LELIANA!" Chasing frantically after the spymaster, the yells of the people jarred my elven ears as they grew louder and louder. My mind was whirling, running in a million different directions at once as I tried desperately to find Solas amongst the crowd. I reached Leliana at the entrance of Skyhold and I grabbed her arm in a fierce grip. "Leliana! Solas is gone."

"Gone? That can't be!" she exclaimed, searching with her sharp eyes as I had done moments ago. "I'll talk to some of my agents…" Her eyes searched my face, taking in my unkempt appearance. My body was already aching from the battle with Corypheus, my armor torn from the tumble I had taken in the blast, and now my breathing was hitched and panicked. I worried I would never see him again, that I would never know the truth. "We'll find him, Dae," Leliana reassured me with her soft, confident voice. I wanted her to be right. I wanted to believe that they would find him and cart him back to Skyhold, where I only wished he belonged. "I know you too were… close..." her voice caught on the word close, as I read on her face that she was not entirely sure about what we truly were. And honestly, I didn't know what we were either…

But I knew I loved him.

"He didn't even say goodbye." The night was beginning to close in around me, the cold nipping at my exposed shoulder. Around me, Skyhold was defensive, guarding me from the terrors that may lurk outside, but not from the ones inside of my own mind. "Just find him, please," I begged my spymaster in a last pathetic attempt to will him back to me.

"We will," she assured me, placing a warm hand on my shoulder and leading me inside Skyhold. The night was filled with joyous laughter and celebration; the sweet smells of rich pastries and hearty meats mingled through the rafters of the Great Hall. I sat with Varric, listening to his extravagant recount of the battle with Corypheus. The drunker he got, the bigger Corypheus was and the more heroic Varric seemed. I tried, more than anything, to be okay. But I wasn't. I wasn't okay with not knowing why Solas left. I wasn't okay with hurting. And I most definitely was not okay without him. Despite my breaking heart, the world around me went on. Josephine mingled with the guests as she raved about her fancy Orlesian food, Cole lingered in the corner beside Varric, Leliana soaked up the extravagant affair, and all my other followers laughed with triumph. "We did it, Inquisitor," Varric whispered effortlessly to me, drawing me out of my own self-pitying thoughts, "We saved the world." He laughed, raising his glass high above his head; I toasted him half-heartedly and I began to down mug after mug of ale. I felt the alcoholic poison begin to seep through me as my cheeks grew rosy and my brain began to spin. Instead of dulling my pain, the alcohol had amplified it and I found myself crying as people began to filter out of the Great Hall. As I looked at their faces, one by one, I saw nothing but happiness – joy. It was something that I didn't know if I would ever feel again; I didn't know if I wanted to.

A strong hand rested upon my shoulder. I turned to find Iron Bull sighing at the sight of my tear-soaked eyes. "You okay, Boss?"

Without the influence of alcohol, I probably would have replied yes to avoid further conversation about my breaking heart, but under its potent power, I broke once more. "No," I cried, tears flowing freely from my eyes. I tried to reiterate that I was most definitely not okay and that I thought I should go to bed, but my words were so slurred I don't think he understood the jumbled mess of sentences and sobs that came from my mouth.

"Look, Boss," Bull started as he took the empty seat across from me, "I know this whole leader thing isn't easy… and you're probably going to kick yourself tomorrow when you wake up because you're going to think you had a moment of weakness. And I really hope you remember this conversation." He paused, sighing and rubbing his temples with his exceptionally large hand. "I don't want to tell you I know how you feel because I don't – okay? I don't know what it feels like to lose someone you love," – so they all knew, I thought to myself -"but I know that when we almost lost the Chargers out there on the Storm Coast, I couldn't begin to imagine what to do with myself. If we would've lost them, my life would have felt empty. So maybe I do know how you feel a little, Boss, but I don't know what that definite feeling is like. I still have my boys…" I sniffled, wiping my hand across my face in a drunken attempt to clear it of tears.

"I do know what it feels like to be a leader, though," he continued. "You have to be strong for everyone else and you make the really tough decisions – the ones no one else wants to make. You take the weight of all our crap and your crap and you somehow make it seem a little more bearable. You know victory and you know when victory is impossible. You protect and serve and most importantly, you lead. And I know that sometimes people may forget there's a person in there… A person with emotions and feelings. But for what it's worth, I know you are not always strong enough to carry everyone else's weight. I know that you aren't perfect. And I want you to know that this – this right here," he gestured to the tears resting on the edge of my burning eyes, "is okay. It's okay to feel. It's okay to be a person. Okay?" His eyebrows raised as the question left his lips.

"Okay," I croaked, throwing my arms around his neck in an embrace. It felt strange hugging the mammoth of a Qunari. Although our friendship was always evident, the walls he had built up around himself almost made him seem unapproachable at times. But in that moment, he had seemed so normal to me. And that was all I really needed – normalcy.

In the days that followed, I waited for any word of Solas from Leliana's agents.

I was always left disappointed.

"It's been a whole month, Leliana," I told her as we gathered around the war table, awaiting the other advisors. My voice held an edge that I wished it hadn't.

"I know, Dae. I know…" We looked at each other and shared a heaving sigh. I wondered if she had ever loved someone….

I wondered if Solas had ever loved me…

I learned how to become very good at hiding my pain from the other members of the Inquisition. As far as they knew, I had moved on from the missing elf and all was well with the world. But after months of Solas being gone, I started to have dreams. I think it was one of the worst parts of him leaving. I would wake up with sweat soaking my rigid body and salty tears puddled around me and as impossible as it seemed I always thought he was there with me. When I woke, I would have this unrealistic expectation that he was there, in my room, beside me and that everything was going to be okay. But just as quickly as the feeling had come, it would leave as my eyes searched through the darkness and found nothing – nothing but disappointment.

One night as I slept, I found myself deep within the confines of the fade. I was running – running so fast that the twisted fade-trees were nothing but blips in time, simple blurs across a vastly-painted canvas. My feet pounded the ground in a rhythmic pulse as my heart fell in time with the beat. Beside me, a white wolf ran with the graceful agility of an almost-God. In its beautiful eyes I saw a familiarity that I longed to hold.

As I ran, faster and faster, my thoughts grew clouded and I suddenly couldn't remember if I was running with the wolf… or from it. My heartbeat raced as the impulsive terror filled my head. I was terrified, although I had no reason to fear the mysterious wolf, it held such betrayal in its eyes and a strength in its body that could destroy me with one, single move. And without cause, I feared. I feared the unknown sense of its beauty.

My foot caught on the edge of an uprooted tree and with a glance to the advancing wolf, I fell to the ground. Stinging pain ripped through my body as I cried out in terror. The harsh, sulfuric smells of the fade filled my nose as the wolf slowed to a stop. Our eyes met, inches from my face, and in a fleeting moment, quicker than the blink of an eye, I saw him. Solas.

I awoke with a cry that echoed throughout the shadows of my empty room. My heart beat fiercely as I wiped away the tears from my eyes. Everything inside of me ached with a longing to hear his voice again, to see his beautiful eyes…to kiss his lips; I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my face into their warmth as painful sobs wrenched my insides. Why did it hurt so much? Clumsy curses tumbled from my lips as I sought for an expression of words that may ease my pain. I cursed the Inquisition, I cursed the Anchor, I cursed Corypheus, I cursed myself; I cursed everything, but him.

When I ran out of words to say and tears to cry, I sat silently in the darkness. In the corner of my room, a shuffle of movement drew my attention. I rose up slowly to find a shape in the darkness making its way to my balcony. With the sharp reflexes of a rogue, I grabbed my blades and lunged forward, striking out against the intruder. A slick, shining blade released from my hand and pinned the shadow to the wall. The intruder squirmed against the force of my stuck dagger and I swiftly kicked the prowler with a less-than-gentle force. "What do you think you're doing?" I growled and as I pushed against the mass of the intruder's body I could tell by the strength of its shoulders, it was a he.

He grunted in reply. My emotions had been intensified by the vivid dream and despite my better judgment, I showed no mercy towards him; with a swift hit over the head with the hilt of my dagger, the intruder fell unconscious, his weight sagging against the pinning force of my blade against the wall. I left him hanging there as I went to my desk and began lighting lanterns. With a light placed securely in one hand and blade in the other, I turned back towards my catch of the night. I was angry and completely ready to interrogate the lurker. As my eyes caught his motionless face, a gasp escaped from my parted lips. It felt as though the ground would fall out from under me, my heart sinking with an indescribable force. The light fell from my hand with a slow crash and it cast eerie shadows on the wall. "S- Solas?" I whispered, my emotions whirling with all the force of a great storm at sea. I was convinced my eyes had betrayed me. It seemed completely impossible.

His eyes fluttered open. Groaning, he struggled against the blade immobilizing him against the wall. "I- I'm… Sol—I –" It felt impossible to speak as I stood motionless, my eyes fixated on only him. All the months of longing for his presence… the disappointment when I never saw him… It came crashing down around me and relief flooded my heart. He came back. For whatever reason, he came back.

He reached groggily to pull the blade from the fabric of his shirt and I stumbled forward, my hands shaking violently. "I got it," I mumbled, releasing him from its grip. His feet hit the floor with a gentle thud. I watched him, puzzled and enthralled. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as my eyes searched his straining face. He kept his eyes cast downward, away from my questioning gaze. We stood in silence for what seemed like an eternity until he looked up at me, his eyes locking with my own and he finally spoke. "I… I'm sorry." His voice shook slightly and my heart surged with anger.

"You're sorry? Sorry?" I lunged forward, my fists pounding on his chest with striking force; hot tears soaked my face as I flung heated curses at him. I called him every name I could think of, my anger rising from places of deep abandonment. "You left, Solas! You left with no explanation, no good-bye! Plain and simple you did not think about anyone but yourself! You put me through a lot of crap, Solas!" I screamed, continuing to beat him with my shaking fists. He took hold of my wrists and I froze, looking up at him, sniffling like a small child. "You left me," I choked out finally, my throat aching. I stared deep into his eyes and I could see the infinite knowledge he held there, in his vast, ocean eyes. And whether it was truth, or my own foolish hope, I thought I saw regret in there. Releasing my wrists, he swiftly pulled me into him. I rested my head against his chest as I trembled with heart-wrenching sobs. Solas wrapped his arms around my body, squeezing me with a comforting grip. One hand reached up to my head as he softly stroked my long, flowing hair. "I'm here, now, ma vhenan. I am here, now." I tried to tell myself he meant he was staying, but I think a part of me knew he wasn't.

I collapsed to the ground in puddles of sobs and I curled against his warm, strong body. We lay there, tangled in each other like two reckless, growing vines, and he sweetly kissed my head. I wanted so badly to say something, anything; but I couldn't. I had absolutely no words for what I was feeling. It was as if every emotion I had ever felt was present in my head and all the emotions were screaming at me to feel them, but I didn't want to. All I wanted to feel was him. My sobs began to trail off into soft sniffles and still, Solas held me. Finally, I found courage in my own voice, and I pulled away from him only far enough so I could look into his eyes once more. "I have never, in my life," I started, my hand reaching up to gently touch his face, "met someone who could break me into a million pieces and then, with one embrace, put me completely back together again."

"Dae…" He whispered, pulling me closer into him. I could see the pain in his eyes – feel it in his breath. How hard was this for him?

I placed a finger on his lips, silencing him. I didn't want an explanation right then. I only wanted him and me – together; because I was tired of missing him. I leaned forward, pressing my lips against his. His hand slid down and grasped the back of my neck as he kissed me with a force of passion I had never known was inside of him. It was the kind of kiss that spoke without saying – the kind of kiss that left your heart racing and I didn't want it to ever stop because I knew as long as he was there, with me, I would feel whole again.

We melted into each other – into sweet folds of tender kisses under the moonlight. And as our mouths met as one and our breath sighed together, I knew that if he chose to walk out that door again, it would be nearly impossible for me to let him go. I just didn't know if I was that strong. I spoke quietly through parted lips. "I love you, Solas." An almost mischievous smile spread across his face as he stroked my cheek with his pale hand.

Solas picked me up with strong arms as his mouth continued to press against mine. He sat me down on the edge of the bed as he pulled away from me, kissing my forehead with a melancholy grin. Moving toward me, he pressed his lips against my ear; his breath was hot and heavy against my cheek as he softly whispered, "I love you, too."

"Then why did you leave, Solas?" The moment had passed. He had a spoken a truth that I needed to hear for five months and suddenly, all I wanted was the whole truth. He kneeled in front of me, his hands resting on my thighs.

"I tried to tell you before I left." The moonlight filtered in behind him from the partially-opened bay window, casting a bluish hue around the room that set an enigmatic feeling in the air. He picked up my hand and held it securely; he shifted his gaze upward to me, a deep sadness rooted in his eyes. "Come, I will tell you the truth you seek," he whispered.

Solas took me by the hand and led me out onto the balcony. The cool, night air whipped around our faces, chilling both of us to the point of shivers. Solas leaned over the balcony to look out upon the snow-covered mountain scape. I endured, waiting for him to explain why he left so many months ago. With a sigh, he turned to face me. "Dae, undoubtedly you have discovered the truth of Morrigan's mother, Flemeth."

I nodded, my brows knitting together in confusion. "Yes, she is Mythal. Why is that –" I stopped, as he turned away from me again, his face crashing in waves of regret. "Solas?"

"I didn't want you to know, for fear you would see me differently."

"Solas, what are you talking about?"

The wind picked up significantly, the chill in the air intensified by the silence between us. My body shook from the biting cold. Somewhere in the distance, a howl from a lone wolf floated up to join the night sky. Solas held my freezing hands. In his eyes, I saw it. I saw the wolf that haunted my dreams for the past three months. "Solas… Solas you're…" My breath picked up in speed as the past year played out in my mind. The orb, Solas joining the Inquisition, the fade kiss, the mural in his quarters, the Temple of Mythal, his anger, Flemeth, the white wolf….

"Fen'Harel," the word drifted into emptiness before it reached my own ears. "You're – You're Fen'Harel. The Bringer of Nightmares… Solas, did you give me those dreams?" He nodded ruefully in response. "Why?" My heart was breaking once more. The man I had thought I known, who loved the fade with a childish curiosity, the one who kissed my fears away after mutilating battles, the man who had lain in bed with me at night talking of spirits and the future was Fen'Harel. A God.

"I wanted you to understand on some subconscious level. I put fear into your heart only in an attempt to make you understand that you couldn't trust me, Dae. I AM Fen'Harel. Lord of the Tricksters. I betrayed my kin and betrayal is my nature… I cannot change who I am and believe me when I tell you, I know for a fact that you, in no way, shape, or form, deserve this pain. And I don't deserve you. I betrayed your trust. I left you because that is all I know how to do," his voice was breaking through his tears. I watched the tears of painful release make tracks on his cheeks. Realizing I had never seen him cry before, never seen him hurt so badly, tears of my own began to form. "I joined the Inquisition because I wanted to right a wrong I had committed. Corypheus had my orb and it was my fault. All of this. It was all my fault. I never expected to fall in love with you, Dae, and I couldn't let myself divulge in that. I couldn't hurt you. But I did, anyway, did I not?"

In Elvish I whispered, "Look at me." He looked up and the moonlight reflected off his tear-soaked face. The sadness in his eyes went so unfathomably deep within him, I knew it must have taken root in his heart. I reached out and wiped away a single tear from his cheek, sighing gently as he pulled away from me. "Solas…" His name felt foreign on my tongue – heavy and distant. Taking a deep breath, I repeated: "Solas." I moved closer to him, resting my hands on his waist and feeling the warmth radiate off his body. "You are no different to me now, than you were five months ago. You are the man I fell in love with. And when I fell in love with you, it was with all of you – not just parts. And I know who you think you are, but that does not mean it is who you are. You are still Solas. Fen'Harel is a part of you. Just as the Inquisitor is a part of me. Solas, that doesn't mean you have to do this."

"Do what?" His voice was sharp, dripping with a miserable poison.

"Punish yourself." It was enough. He released an overwhelming sigh of defeat as he buried his face in his hands.

"That is what I'm doing, isn't it? I'm punishing myself. But what am I supposed to do?"

"Accept it. Accept who you are, Solas, but don't let it define you and understand that the things that happened with Corypheus and the Breach, yes, it was bad," – he looked downward in shame - "but without it, I never would have met you and you are the greatest and the worst thing that has ever happened to me." He chuckled slightly as I placed my hands back into his. "And that's okay. And you? You're okay." For the first time in so long, a smile stretched across his face. It was the most beautiful thing I had seen in months. But although his face seemed relieved, in his eyes the same haunting sadness dwelled – a reminder that his heart wouldn't be so easily swayed. I didn't know how long he would stay and it broke my heart to think of him leaving again, but I planned to keep him for as long as he would allow me. "Come, lay with me… Like old times?" I forced a small, unsure smile. Solas nodded in reply, bending down slightly to kiss my lips.

We went back inside, closing the window securely behind us to cut off the harsh night air. I didn't bother to relight the faded lanterns, preferring the dancing moonlight instead. Crawling into bed, welcoming the warmth of the heavy fur blankets, Solas pulled me into him, as I snuggled into his strong, solid body. It had been too long since I felt so safe and protected in my own room. "Tell me about the Fade, Solas…" I whispered into his chest, a plea for him to talk to him until I fell asleep, so I could dream easily and I would have his voice until I woke. A velvety chuckle slipped from his mouth as he kissed the top of my head.

"Ma nuvenin, ma vhenan."

He spoke of other worlds – of the past, the present, and the future; but what he didn't know was that he really spoke of his purest dreams and his most primal passions. I knew then that the stories of Fen'Harel were wrong. He wasn't evil. He wasn't deception.

He was love.

Misunderstood, misused, and completely, uncontrollably wild.