What if … indeed. I wanted to believe that perhaps, something would emerge in future episodes from that particular encounter … as many of us, I guess. Watching Dean acting clumsily at first, I tried to imagine what could have gone through his mind, something bothering him. For just a short while of course : we all know Dean is not the type of guy to become rooted in such a scheme… But then again, who knows, in different circumstances… This is far from being a brilliant introspection and there was no beta-reading. So please, I beg for your indulgence and I thank you in advance for your remarks/critics/reviews.
Lots of love,
L.
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Lost chance
What if our paths had crossed at some point for real, years before ? What if you and I had been granted the chance to build something solid, true, genuine even ? Would I have felt compelled to change my life style, to abandon what I've been raised for, to let my little brother deal with those monsters all by himself ? No way !
Yet, I contemplate the life that I have now and I wonder…
The day I met you, I felt an unexpected powerful blow in my guts, like I'd been hit by a truck. Okay, wrong image. But right description though. It was as if my life suddenly meant more than what I had been expecting for so long. And again, I was feeling so inadequate, so unfair. Sam deserves all my attention, care and protection, no question about it. He's been and always will be my little Sammy and nothing in the whole world will ever be powerful enough to take me away from my unwavering love for him. Nevertheless, a little voice in my heart was trying to make itself heard. Like an echo of lost opportunities. Like I'd sacrificed too much. And I felt I had to hide the emotional turmoil which was raging in my soul and wake up to my reality. Sam was there for me and I was there for him. Period. Family ties. For ever.
Yeah, family ties. Talk about it ! What kind of a family are we ? Dad's been gone for a year and what's left of our family is me, Sam and Bobby. All those years, I have struggled to convince myself that my existence has one purpose only. Ok, two, perhaps. First, to be the best hunter ever. One Dad would have been proud of. One who would inevitably die in the line of duty, on the battlefield. Second, to be there at all costs for my Sammy. To protect him in any situation. To nurse him when necessary. To guide him, from time to time, although I always had the feeling he was the one who had inherited the smart marbles.
So why was I suddenly feeling that this was not enough ? Why were these images of the ideal « normal » family popping into my head ? Why was I silently lecturing myself to refrain from dreaming that a tiny little part of it would even be conceivable ?
I couldn't go there. End of the story. My whole life had been written so long ago that I had forgotten whether I still had the right to have a say in the matter.
Dean Winchester, Trustworthy Son of John Winchester, Protector of Sam, Hunter of Demons. This is my card.
And then YOU showed up, making me feel uneasy, clumsy, hesitant, dreaming of an alternate reality in which I wouldn't have to kill, where I wouldn't count the bruises at the end of the day, where I wouldn't have to swallow the miles like hellhounds were on my tail (wrong image again, what's the matter with me ?), where Sammy would be part of something bigger that I would have built for all of us. Of course, I managed to kill that hope of this so-called « model » family I'll never have. Even if your will to stand on your own was genuine, I had no right to drag you into my miserable future. I couldn't go on pretending this was what I wanted. Very limited choices. Either I had to let you go or I would have been obliged to make you part of our perilous adventure, teaching you what Sam and I had to learn over the years, risking your life, maybe watching you die, like I watched Sam die in my arms. No ! Never again !
Anyway, what am I doing here, being silly and imaging what kind of life we could have had together? The matter is closed. Had been for a while. The day I made that deal. The day I decided once and for all that my life had far less importance than Sammy's.
That day, I lost all rights to lay claim to life, love, family, redemption.
Even if I know that we are not truly bonded in any way, the day I made a deal with Hell is the day I lost the tiny chance to raise a family, to have a kid and perhaps one day, hear a boy like you, Ben, call me Dad.
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