Author: Shiva Darkwater | Fandom: X/1999 | Rating: PG-13 | Summary: A fleeting grasp consoled with nothing but regret. | Disclaimer: The five goddesses of CLAMP own rights to this manga and its characters. All I wish is to have a little fun time with them. | Author's Notes: Perhaps this fic is a little odd. But I actually really like it. This is my first time writing in Subaru's perspective. I think it's rather accurate to how at least I think their relationship is, especially throughout X/1999. | Dedication: To Nivella. She told me to write her something Seishirou/Subaru when I was whining about writer's block. Thank you for always pushing me.
Something To Wait ForI almost called out to him, 'wait, don't walk away from me, not again', but I held it back. I was getting rather good at that, stopping myself just in the nick of time from saying something stupid, something that I would regret.
A smirk would cross those lips, and he would pause, the flame flickering from the lighter the only motion. He would chuckle, amused by the emotion that would be laced in my voice. Perhaps he would turn, gaze at me, and force my eyes to his instead of continuing to walk away. Maybe then he would say something, call me childish, cute once again.
Or he could say nothing and walk towards me and suddenly he would be there, in front of me, in the blink of an eye. And I would be held captive by his gaze, while held frozen, unable to speak, unable even to breathe. His lighter would flick shut, his cigarette forgotten between his lips. And all the while he would just smirk at me, mocking my emotions silently.
I know that then I would act out, try to shove him away; get some distance; remove myself of his presence; stop myself from becoming intoxicated by his scent and utter vision of him standing there before me… and his hands would suddenly take hold of me. My shoulders, my wrists, whatever he could reach first, and I would be bound to him this way, covering up the swell in my heart with the hatred in my eyes.
But he could always see right through me couldn't he?
He would chuckle again, saying something again about how I tried to appear so strong, so tough. And he would reel me in, like catching a prize, and his lips would be against mine.
I would try to fight, try to resist but his hold on me is too strong and I would end up losing the battle. I would gasp, surrendering, submitting, like every other time I've ever faced up against him. I don't know what it is… suddenly I just lose my self-control…
He'd pull me close, perhaps he'd say something else but I can't hear him, too lost to break free. His lips would trail my throat and I feel my last resistance disintegrate. I had no chance in the beginning did I?
Somehow I would end up naked, twisting and writhing against him, dancing under his caresses, suddenly seeming so soft and sparking the lust within me. My eyes shut, seeing nothing but white. My body's tense, feeling nothing but pleasure. My lips are parted, tasting nothing but his lips on mine. And then I become senseless, numbed by the pleasure. Climbing to that peak and then falling… but who's there to catch me?
Panting, spent, trembling… cool air would brush across my naked body as my eyes open. But he would already be walking away from me, tossing me a handkerchief and telling me to clean up. His eyes might brush across me once again, but he wouldn't return. An arm rising in a wave, he would disappear with the promise of next time…
I stand there, watching him depart, unable to call out to him. My lips remain shut and I'm suddenly left all alone. An unused cigarette he tossed over his shoulder to me is my only form of consolation. I pick it up, place it between my lips, and light it… My thoughts drift to him. Sometimes I regret not speaking out and telling him to wait…