Title: Innuendo Squad

Author: Sable-eyed-lily

Genre: Romance/Humor

Rating: T

Warnings: Slash, voyeurism?, Isabela

Summary: Garrett Hawke has moved on to Anders after Fenris. Anders and Fenris accidentally walk in to hear a conversation between Hawke and Isabela comparing their… performances. Innuendos, slashy goodness, & misunderstandings galore!

Disclaimer: I don't own this. Sadly. If I have, we'd be able to have Anders and Fenris wander around in just their small clothes in the game. *Sighs* Alas…

A/N: This is for the Anders group on the Social Bioware website. With the prompt: Misguided. Enjoy!

Anders raised a hand to wipe the sweat off his brow. The sun was unforgiving as he, Fenris, Hawke, Merrill, and Isabela browsed in the High Town Market. The heat was unbearable, and he wished he'd not worn his coat.

Garrett and Isabela moved forward to the weaponry stall with Merrill in tow. They were arguing over the pros and cons of daggers vs. greatswords while Garrett tested the weight of two-hander.

Anders hung back, all the while glaring angrily at Fenris. "You were an idiot to leave Hawke."

The lyrium branded elf stiffened at this comment. He replied bitterly, "And you were fast enough to replace me."

"I love him." Anders proclaimed with conviction. The elf was a fool to have left Garrett. Hawke was brave without a fault. The sarcastic warrior was always ready to help those in need. Even if they didn't have the coin to pay him. It was the only issue he and Isabela disagreed on. Hawke deserved far better than Fenris in Anders' opinion, a fact he told the elf on numerous occasions. The love he felt for Garrett went beyond words. "You can't even imagine what that is."

Fenris actually snarled at him, "Do not bare your heart to me, mage. Unless you would see me rip it out."

Anders was about to shoot back a retort, when Garrett's voice carried over to both of them. "I have to admit, Isabela, that Fenris' is more impressive when it comes to size."

Anders looked at Fenris with wide eyes. The former slave gave him a self-satisfied smirk that the mage longed to smack off. He gestured at the elf to be quiet and they both snuck behind the booth Hawke and Isabela were near.

"True, but Anders seems to have more skills. You have to remember, it's not the size that matters, but how you use it." Isabela said with a grin.

Anders and Fenris exchanged shocked looks. Anders couldn't believe they were discussing this. Isabela he wasn't surprised by. But Garrett? Anders quickly went back to listening avidly.

"But Anders' is longer." Merrill protested with wide eyes.

Anders puffed out his chest and mouthed to Fenris, Ha! Mine is longer.

"True, true," Garrett admitted, "But given Fenris' smaller stature, his is huge is comparison."

"So, are we just comparing them as is, or are we taking into consideration their race, height, and hand size?" Isabela asked. "Because you know what they say about hand size..."

"Anders strokes his a lot." Merrill piped up. "I stopped by his clinic late one night and saw him at it."

Anders was never going to be able to look Merrill in the eyes again. Did the Dalish elf not know the concept of personal space? And he thought Velanna was the craziest Dalish he knew. Now he was stuck in the company of a voyeuristic elf.

"He's a man, sweet thing, of course he's going to stroke it." Isabela explained, "If it were left up to them, they'd stroke it every minute of every day."

"You'd think he was going to lose it at the rate he was going."

Garrette nodded in agreement before broaching a new topic. "Have you ever noticed that Anders' is... crooked?"

Said mage gasped in indignation. Fenris was coughing quietly to cover his laugh. How could Hawke say something like that? And in front of Isabela, Merrill, and Fenris to boot. "I'm not crooked," He whispered furiously, "I'm not!"

"Not according to Hawke." Fenris said smugly.

"Wouldn't his crookedness make his aim poor?" Isabela asked.

Hawke nodded solemnly. "That's why he's always yelling and screaming so loud. I think he hopes it will distract from his aiming problems."

Anders blushed furiously. Maker, his hair was probably seven shades of red from his embarrassment.

Fenris hissed softly, "This is why he's hesitant to let you move in with him."

"It's not true!" Anders denied.

"You could never satisfy him the way I did!"

"Why you little-"

"-Shhh! Listen…"

"I was with Fenris a little while ago" Isabela chimed in.

"You slept with Isabela?" Anders asked, furious at the thought of him cheating on Garrett.

Fenris shrugged, "It was before Hawke. Beside, who hasn't been with Isabela?" Anders grudgingly admitted that it was a fair argument. They both tuned back into the conversation.

"-His performance was rather… lacking. He was probably thinking of you, Hawke."

It was Fenris' turn to blush. The normally stoic elf was flushed with humiliation. Even his ears were red.

Merrill continued to be the most irritating person Fenris knew when she asked, "Is it normal for his markings to glow during the heat of the moment?"

Garrett shrugged, "I dunno, but the first time it happened, it scared me half to death and it nearly blinded me."

"He's a little unpredictable," Isabela said.

"To put it mildly. One minute he's all growly and pushing me while cursing in Tevinter. The next he's giving me the puppy eyes and making me feel guilty. But his skills are legendary." Garrett let out a soft sigh, "He has both reach and flexibility."

"Not to mention his fisting skills." said Isabela with a wicked grin.

"So, overall who would you rather be with… Anders or Fenris?" Merrill asked with curiosity.

Garrett pondered this. "Overall I'd have to say Fenris. Anders is great, but Fenris has the whole dangerous vibe with him."

"I'd have to go with Fenris as well. The fisting thing sold me on him," Isabela said.

Fenris pointed at Anders gleefully. Hawke may have moved on to the mage, but the elf was clearly still in his thoughts.

Anders was crestfallen. The man he loved wasn't satisfied with his skills in bed? How could this have happened? He'd even used his lightning fingering skills. His special lightning fingers! How could Garrett have not enjoyed that? Was he just a rebound from the wild dog?

"Hawke thinks I'm better in bed than you."

Anders' anger overwhelmed him, and he tackled Fenris to the ground. The Tevinter elf, caught by surprise, crashed to the ground and a flailing hand dragged down the armory stall. Anders got a few punches in before Hawke quickly separated them.

"What in the name of the Maker has gotten into the both of you?" He asked incredulously.

"Garrett, I'm NOT CROOKED!"

"Hawke, I perform with satisfaction!"

"What?" Garrett asked in bewilderment, "But Anders, it is crooked. And Fenris, you haven't been at your best lately."

"NO!" Both men exclaimed in denial.

"Anders, I hate to tell you this, but your staff is crooked. It's made your spell casting veer off to the left whenever you cast. And Fenris, you've been getting too distracted on the battle field lately. Just the other day you got a stab wound to the shoulder."

Both men gaped at him. "Y-You were talking about our fighting skills on the battle field?" Anders asked in shock. Fenris was at a loss for words. He settled for coughing awkwardly.

"Wait…" Isabela interrupted, "We were only talking about their battle skills?"

"What else could we have been discussing?" Merrill asked, sharing a confused glance with Garrett.

"N-nothing." Anders stammered.

"It is none of your concern." Fenris said stiffly.

Isabela rolled her eyes and began mutter under her breath as she walked away. "Well there goes my planned friend fiction on a Fawkers sandwich."

As the group strolled away, you could hear one lone voice pipe up, "Wait… did I miss something dirty again?"

Sooooo…. Did you love it? Hate it? Was it amazing? Awful? Freakishly good? Funny? Not funny? Lame? Awesome?

R&R Please!

XOXO

Lils