1. There is a time to forget

"Castle it is not your fault that she got hurt." Esposito said as we were walking out of the hospital.

I shook my head: "Yes, I know but I still feel bad, what if I would have been there?"

"Then you may would have gotten hurt too." Lanie said and put a hand on my shoulder: "The doctors say the hit on the head wasn't too bad and that she will be back on her feet in no time."

"I… I just…" I stammered, not really sure what to say.

In that moment I wanted to burst out what Kate and I had before she got injured so badly, that she had told me about her mother and that I had told her about how lonely I felt in all my marriages. Then the incredible night that we had together and how we didn't want it to end. The morning after we came down from our highs and reality set back in, I think we both expected everything to be very awkward but to our surprise it wasn't. From that day on we were closer than ever, we had decided that it was to soon to say that we were together so I suggested we meet up to have coffee or something else throughout the week and see how it would go from there.

First we only met every three days mostly during the day to have lunch or coffee together, but lunch turned into dinners and coffee turned into wine in the evenings. Although it wasn't going on for very long I knew that this with her was something special, not like my past marriages or the girls I used to date. She was the first woman that was truly able to kick the air out of my lungs, she was so uncomplicated and with her I felt wanted and not in need to prove myself constantly. I thought this was because we had been friends for so long that now everything was just easy because we knew one another.

That night we all went home with a sick feeling in our stomach, the doctors said that she would be fine but I had the feeling that when I would wake up tomorrow my life would change.

When I woke up the next morning I had three missed calls from Lanie and two from Ryan, I immediately called Laney.

"What is it? Is it Beckett?" I asked a little afraid that over night her condition had gotten worse.

Lanie breathed out: "Yes, she was woken up Castle. Can you come?"

"Sure, how is she doing?"

"She is fine, she is going to be released tomorrow." Lanie told me.

"Okay I will be there in five."

I knew that Lanie told me that she was fine but I somehow knew that that was not the entire truth. But the only thing I could really focus on right now was getting to Beckett and getting there quickly, so I chose to run down the few blocks to the hospital because the morning traffic in New York was horrible.

I was a little out of breath when I made it up to Beckett's room. Laney, Esposito and Ryan were all waiting outside.

"Castle!" Lanie said relieved and gave me a short hug.

"Have you been in yet?" I ask as I pointed to the door.

"Have you been in yet?" I heard a voice outside the door.

My father was still sitting beside me holding my hand, he had explained to me that I had been robbed and had been hit over the head pretty hard. The doctor had explained to us that memory loss was rather common with head insures and that my memory would come back soon. It was weird that I couldn't remember the past years of my life. For me I had just become a police officer and had moved into my first apartment in the city. My dad had also explained to me that my colleagues were waiting outside and that they had turned into my family over the last few years. It was strange not remembering them and hearing those unfamiliar voices outside of the door. They had decided that I would meet them all together just very briefly to see if that could kick start my memory when I was seeing them all together.

When the door to my room opened all my muscles tensed, I didn't really know what to expect but when I saw all those smiling faces I calmed down a little bit. The woman that came through the door slowly came closer to my bed.

"Hey Kate… How are you feeling?" She asked carefully.

All of them knew that I had lost my memory and all of them were acting very careful.

I could see two guys wearing their detective batches, but the third one that came in last didn't seem like a cop at all, he wasn't wearing a suit and he had no batch or gun on his belt, so I assumed he maybe wasn't one of my colleagues but when my dad had mentioned earlier that this was my family I just assumed that he must fit into this differently.

When our eyes met a cold shower run down my spine and then a warmth spread throughout my whole body. It was somehow magical and when he came around the other side of my bed and carefully grabbed my hand I just assumed that we were very close by the way he acted towards me.

"Hey…" He said and smiled at me lovingly.

I brushed a strand of hair behind my ear and smiled back: "Hey…"

"Do you remember any of us?" The woman asked.

I looked into every single face again and then stopped at the man's face that was holding my hand: "No… I am sorry. There is just nothing."

I was getting uncomfortable and shifted around in my bed. The man that was holding my hand carefully brushed over the back of it and spoke in a very soft and loving voice: "That is okay, the nice woman over there is Laney, she works in the morgue at the precinct and the two guys over there are Ryan and Esposito they are your colleges and I am Rick-"

"My boyfriend?" I guessed and then everyone else in the room except of him started laughing, even my dad.

"No, Kate, he is a writer." Lanie said, still chuckling. "He used to follow you around to do research for his books and somehow he got stuck in the precinct and now helps to solve cases."

"Ignore them." Rick told me and kept stroking my hand: "It was a good guess."

"Yeah Castle, in your dreams!" Esposito said.

I was feeling a little offended right now, she obviously didn't remember who I was and so I was the only one remembering that I was more than just a writer to her. I was the only one carrying the memories of our great time together and I would keep them safe until she remembered herself, remembered how much she means to me. But there was something in her eyes when she was looking at me like somehow deep down she knew exactly what me meant to one another, as if she was feeling what I was feeling when I was looking at her. Maybe that was why she guessed I was her boyfriend she was aware of our deep connection.

Then a doctor came into the room: "Hello everyone. Hello Kate, is anything coming back to you?"

"No, sorry." I said and looked at him, somehow hoping he could cure me and give me back my memories.

He looked a little upset, but quickly out a smile on his face: "That is okay, it will come back. Except from your memory loss however you are fine, your vital signs are stable and you are not feeling sick so we are ready to let you go home tomorrow."

"Thank you doctor." Jim said and looked at his daughter.

She looked around not really sure how to cope with everything that was going on.

So Lanie made the right move: "I think we should leave and let you rest some more."

"Yes, we will all visit you when you get home and get settled in." Esposito said and made his way to the door, followed by Lanie, Ryan and Jim.

Kate somehow tightened her grip on my hand and I felt that she wasn't ready for me to leave yet, that was the moment I knew she felt it, felt our connection, although she didn't remember what we had.

After everyone had left she looked at me and smiled: "This is pretty crazy."

"Yes, it is." I said and just kept looking into her eyes, still seeing the spark.

"Everyone seems to be very nice…" She mumbled and looked down.

She took a few seconds of silence before looking up at me and continuing to talk: "Except of my dad everything seems so very strange, people that are supposed to be like my family and I can't even remember meeting all of them. They are all like faces in a crowd…"

"Don't worry about it, you will remember." I told her.

But she wasn't finished: "Everyone except you, there is something that makes you stand out from the crowd."

"So you remember who I am?" I was getting my hopes up.

Just to have them crushed: "No, I sadly do not remember who you are but I have the feeling that you are someone very important… There is this connection."

So she didn't remember who I was but she was feeling it too, that was good enough for me, not only good enough, it was the best feeling I had since I heard about her accident.

"I know what you mean." I said and still couldn't let go of her hand.

She smiled, she seemed truly happy: "Would you mind accompanying my dad to take me home tomorrow? He told me that we were close but he doesn't live in the city so he doesn't come to visit me that often, but he told me the two of us were very close and I was hoping you could maybe help me find my place again."

"Sure, I will be here tomorrow." I was happy that she asked me to come and pick her up tomorrow.

When I was on my way to the hospital I got some flowers for Kate, so when she would come back to her apartment everything wouldn't be so dead. When I entered her hospital room she was already dressed in sweatpants and a NYPD hoodie.

"Hey Rick." She said and came towards me pulling me in for a bear hug.

Something like this usually only happened when we were alone in her apartment or in my loft, but I felt happy when I was laying my arms around her. When we parted I gave her the flowers I was holding in my hands: "Here, these are for your apartment, so it looks a little nicer when you come home."

"Thank you." She said and smelled them.

Jim was taking her bag that had been laying on the bed: "Let's get you home, Katie."

When I opened the door to my apartment I was met by something that was also unfamiliar to me, I liked the stile which it was decorated in and I could imagine living here but it didn't have the feeling of coming home.

My father moved through a door and started talking: "This is your bedroom."

Me and Rick followed him and I looked around, same as in the rest of the loft, nicely decorated but not home. My father and Rick showed me everything and then my father suggested to get something for us to eat. Rick and I both agreed and so he left the apartment to get something and Rick and I were alone.

I was walking by a dresser in the living room with pictures on them of me and Lanie, me and my dad, me and the precinct and one with me and castle in a park somewhere.

"How does this feel?" Rick asked as I was wandering around the room.

I looked around and took the picture frame, which held the picture of me and him, in my hand: "Weird, I don't remember any of this, but it seems that we all are very good friends."

"Your dad told you the truth, we are like a family." Rick said and moved closer to me: "Just relax and then your memories will come back to you. I will help you every step of the way, I promise."

"Thank you, Rick. You are making this a lot easier for me." I said and put the picture down and sat beside him on the couch: "So what am I into these days?"

"Into?!" He chuckled a little: "You are very focused on your work, you really love what you do. Other than that you enjoy drinking a lot of coffee, probably too much, if you ask me. You also told me you enjoy seeing the snow melt away in central park in the spring and evenings with a good book on your couch."

"So I am still the same." I said and breathed out, relieved that I hadn't lost myself over the years working as a police detective.

Rick tilted his head slightly: "I'm afraid I can't say that, I never knew you before you were a detective."

"Right, but for some weird reason I feel like I have known you all my life." I pulled my legs up to my chest: "Everything is very unfamiliar and cold and so far away. Like I am just watching from the outside, but with you it's different. I have the feeling that you have always been there and that you will always be there."

"I will, always." He promised me.

When my dad came back we sat down in the living room to have dinner.

"Do you want someone to stay with you tonight?" My father asked out of the blue.

I looked up at him, then to Castle, who had stopped chewing and swallowed hard.

I shook my head: "I think I will be fine tonight."

"Are you sure? You don't remember anything from the past years and you want to stay alone?"

"The last memory I had was living on my own, anyway I will have to get used to all of this again and I could use the time alone to go through some stuff." I explained, his eyes were still weary with concern, so I added: "You can pick me up for breakfast tomorrow morning."

"Okay, Katie." He said now a little bit more at peace with his worries.

After we had finished eating and everything was cleaned up my father grabbed his keys and his wallet: "It is getting late. I will go and leave you two alone to talk a little more. See you in the morning, Katie."

He gave me a kiss on the forehead and left the apartment quietly.

Castle was standing in the middle of my living room and didn't really know what to do.

"Sit down, Rick." I said and smiled at him, it was a little funny that all of a sudden he acted as if he had never been in this apartment.

It was weirder than I had imagined to be alone with her again after her father left. She hadn't noticed but her father had given me this look during dinner, as if he knew what had been going on between me and Kate before the accident.

I didn't want to break it to her because I was hoping that she would remember herself soon enough. I had to remind myself that this was only temporary, the Kate I and everyone else loved would soon come back.

We were sitting down on the couch again and I so terribly wanted to touch and hold her, tell her, promise her that everything would be fine. She was confused, only natural if you wake up and don't remember the past five years of your life and everyone around you is unfamiliar even though they all claim that they are your best friends.

"Do you know if my colleagues mentioned anything about me coming back to work?" She asked and broke the silence.

I shook my head: "No they didn't but I am sure that they want you to recover before you start chasing bad guys again."

"Chasing bad guys… That's what you call it?" She giggled a little.

I grinned: "Yes, we are chasing bad guys and putting them behind bars. We are actually pretty good at it."

"I can only imagine." She said.

This hit me more than I liked to admit. It was true, she could only imagine, there was no prove in her mind that we had fought crime together and even if it was in there it was buried for now. Right now I was nothing more than a stranger with a familiar feeling to her but to me she was my whole world.

"Would you like me to take you to the precinct tomorrow, just to take a look around? Your doctor said it might bring back a few memories if you go to familiar places."

"Sure, let's give it a go." She said and looked at me with a smile: "It's still not completely clear to me how a writer got to work with a NYPD detective."

So I explained to her the whole story about the first case we worked together and how completely annoyed she was with me at first and that after talking to the mayor had allowed me to follow her around she had been even a little frustrated but that she had grown on working with me together and so we ended up as a great crime solving team.