Bikinis and Nosebleeds

Authors: MoonStarDutchess and Me Ninja Kitty

Oneshot

Disclaimer: We don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and gain no profit from this fanfiction.

AN: This is quite cracktastic.


Bikinis and Nosebleeds

Roy didn't like the mall or any other large areas where people shopped. They were always crowded and with his slight limp, crowds were difficult to walk in. Luckily, Riza was there with him otherwise he'd get angry and blow the place up. He never pegged Riza as the shopping type but, sure enough, in that aspect she was like the majority of women.

At the moment, he was sitting in the middle of the mall on one of those oddly comfortable metal benches, waiting for his wife to pick up her guns from the weapon's shop. He hoped she'd hurry because all the smells coming from the food court and combining were making him nauseous.

He let his gaze trail along each store until it rested on a swimsuit shop. He watched as a brunette picked out a little red bikini from one of the clearance racks and took it inside the shop. His eyes drifted to the swimsuit in the window, catching his interest entirely and making him forget where he was. It was a blue bikini with cherries on it. It was so unlike his wife yet he could picture her wearing it. He pictured her striking a pose and blowing a kiss at him. Suddenly, that thought bubble burst and a voice in his head told him he was dreaming.

Little did he know that his wife was now standing right behind him and saw him eyeing the bikini with great interest. She smiled slightly. Since she was overdue for a new suit, maybe she'd buy it. It was rather cute and it would be a nice surprise for him when they went to the beach next week.

She touched his shoulder, making him jump with surprise. She walked around and sat down beside him.

"Something catch your eye?"

He shook his head and kissed her on the cheek. "Nope, nothing. I was just thinking about something."

Riza knew part of that was a lie but decided to let it go. She handed him a list and smiled at him. "Could you go over to the grocery store and pick up a few things? I have to go pick up our boots from the surplus shop," she said.

He nodded and they both stood. She gave him a quick kiss and he went toward the grocery store. When he was out of sight, she went into the swimsuit shop. She told the clerk what she wanted and soon left with a concealed bag containing a very special swimsuit.

She went to the surplus shop to get their boots and then met Roy in the grocery store. They finished their shopping. Then after loading the things into the car, were finally on their way home.

Riza gazed out the window as she watched the scenery pass by. She smiled to herself, thinking about the look on Roy's face when he saw her at the beach. She would have to be sure to bring a box of tissues with her for her poor husband.

---

Roy and Riza smiled as they approached their friends at the beach. Gracia was sitting with Elecia building a sand castle, Havoc, Breda, and Falman were playing cards, and Fuery was sitting beside his girlfriend Scieszka. Hayate barked and rushed over to Fuery happily. Denny and Maria were sitting together chatting.

Roy and Riza laid their blankets down on the sand. Roy removed his shirt and lay back against the blanket on the warm ground. He closed his eyes and relaxed instantly. Riza chuckled and removed her bathing suit cover, revealing the bikini of Roy's dreams.

"Riza that bathing suit is adorable," Gracia said.

"You look great!" Maria stated, smiling at her friend and envying the guts she had to wear a two-piece suit.

Roy opened his eyes upon hearing their words and sat up to look at his wife. When he saw what she was wearing, blood began pouring out of his nose. Riza rushed to grab some tissues and handed them to him. Unfortunately for Roy, he wasn't the only one that a sudden gush of blood happened to hit. He looked around the beach to see a bunch of men looking at her. His nosebleed instantly stopped and he growled. How dare they look at his wife like that! She was his!

He grabbed his gloves and threw down the bloody tissues. Standing, he began pulling on his gloves only to be stopped by his beautiful wife. She smiled sweetly and kissed him at the corner of his mouth. She took his gloves and threw them down onto the beach towel. "Now now, it isn't their fault that you picked out a good swimsuit."

"They need to stop looking at you," he said, glaring at the men who continue to look at her body, not threatened in the slightest by his menacing gaze.

She smiled inwardly, flattered at his jealousy, and decided to be a bit out of character and tease him. She giggled aloud and replied to his comment. "But why should they do that? Don't you think I'm the best looking woman here?" She plastered a distressed look on her face. "You don't think I'm appealing?"

"No no no! It's not that! I think you are the sexiest woman here! It's just I don't want them ogling you!" Roy was nervous that she might indeed think he didn't find her attractive.

She sighed and then put on the puppy eyes "But then shouldn't you be overjoyed at being able to show me off?" She pouted. "Unless you don't like being out with me in public?" She started to chew on her fingernails, gazing up at him through her long blonde eyelashes.

Roy was stumped on why his wife was acting so girly. It was completely out of character for her. Apparently, the others found their little scene funny because he heard the group snickering behind him. "I like being out in public with you, of course I do. Why are you acting so oddly?"

She smirked, switching from cute to sexy in an instant. She leaned in closer to him, pressing her body against his sensually, and whispered in his ear. "I just want to make sure the hottest man on the beach is interested in me. That's all." She let her lips brush his ear as she spoke, sending chills through his body.

He smirked and wrapped his arms around her waist. "Want to know how exactly interested I am?"

"Humm…depends on what you plan on doing," she said, coyly.

"On what?" he questioned and kissed her shoulder. This caused everyone watching to turn away with a blush. They were newlyweds so certain sensual displays should be expected. It was also great considering they had to hold back those displays for so many years.

"It depends on whether he thinks he can handle a woman like me."

Roy threw Riza over his shoulder and proceeded to run toward the water. As soon as he was in the ocean, he dropped her. She rose up and growled.

"See, I can handle you," he stated, staring at the way the bikini stuck to her curves. Riza replied to his statement by pushing him under the water.

Soon, their friends joined in and the rest of the day was nothing but fun and Roy forgot all about the men ogling Riza and focused on the fact that it was his wife looking so damn good in the swimsuit.