I tear my eyes away from him hiding my tears. How could this have happened? We made a choice to forget each other in that way. True, we never gave a fighting chance to what we could have had. I look back thinking that we could have made it together and been happy. But we chose to be apart and ignore these feelings to keep a hold of friendships.
FLASHBACK
My eyes stung with tears. I lay in the cot wishing Ron back to us. It's no hope though I know. Harry walks into the tent knowing that I have quit crying.
"Hey" he says no more then above a whisper. As he sits down next to me I place my head on his shouldered as I breath deeply. He is such comfort to me sometimes I don't think he is real.
"I can't dwell on this anymore. He left us and we're going to have to deal with it. I'm sorry for being a bother but can you blame me?"
"No not at all. I wish we could sit here and be mad and upset at him but we don't have that kind of time."
He puts his arm around me and hugs me tight. It has been no secret that we had a mutual attraction towards each other but the timing was never right. There was a time when I wanted to be with him more then anything. I knew that he wanted to be with me at that same point in our lives but things kept us apart. In the end it became too hard to be together with the world against us. I silently moved aside for Ginny to show him how she felt.
"It's funny how we are so comfortable with each other." He says looking at me lovingly.
"I know. You think that we could have made this work."
He sighs. I know that he is off to war in more ways then I. Also I know that I have to let him break free and walk his own path yet help him as much as possible.
I look up at him seeing that he is watching me with those piercing green eyes. Those pools of green become a window to his soul. I know it was wrong but at the time there was nothing holding us back. I leaned up for a kiss wanting to feel all of him.
For a while we stayed like this. Me in him arms forgetting the world. Slowly he laid me down on the bed and said quietly "you are all I will ever want."
Well into the night we shared each others bodies and souls. Both of us forgetting the world around us well aware that we could never be together. We shared the love we had for each other. Harry and I were not quite about our love this night. There was no doubt that we meant more to each other then just best friends. But with the weight of our responsibilities and the paths that we have chosen, we couldn't be together past this night.
Morning came as we laid next to each other.
"I love you. It hurts so much knowing we can't make this work."
I see a tear escape him. I hold him tight.
"Maybe some day we can. But we have to keep it together for now. This is the way it has to be."
Silently we both give up on what we could have had. My heart breaks into pieces. I want to have hope for us but know there is none.
FLASHBACK ENDS
Here is where I find myself three years later. It was a cool summers night as Harry and I walked along the park. We began talking about the normal things, life, our partners Ron and Ginny and somehow his feelings of that night all spilled out.
"Hermione." I looked at those green eyes. They were screaming to me, capturing my very soul.
"That night in the tent, remember?
'Of course I do!' I say no words but nod.
"I can't be alone with you and not think about it. I still think of you in that way Hermione."
I stopped in my tracks. I would never guessing in a thousand years that he still felt more for me.
"I just cant help thinking that we could have been something. Don't get my wrong, I'm so happy with Ginny, but sometimes it feels like I could be happier with you."
"Oh Harry, it's not possible."
He sighs. I take his hand in mine showing comfort. I would never blame him for saying these words but they scare me. I feel the same from time to time. Sometimes I hate myself for letting him go. But at the time there was no choice, we had much more important things to deal with. Back then I wasn't even sure I would survive the war.
"What do you think? I mean if we went back to that time and actually gotten together do you think that we could have made it?
I thought hard about this for so long.
"The truth? I think we could have made it and still been together and happy. But I can't lie and say that I don't love Ron. He means everything to me. I guess those feelings for you just aren't there anymore." I'm lying.
Those feelings have never left. But to save myself and anyone else involved I must lie. The love for Ron I have is nothing compared to the love I had for Harry. It's crazy but from time to time feeling rush in so much that all I can do is cry myself to sleep. I feel that I cry because Harry is the one that got away. And now he is pouring out his heart, the one thing that for years I desperately wanted to hear. But in a way I got over the "what if" and began to live my life.
"Sometimes I can't control urges towards you. One minute I will be fine and then the next all I want is to hear your voice and to just be with you completely. I don't want to loose what I have with Ginny but I want you too."
I find this so hard to believe. It is so surreal that these words are coming out of his mouth.
"If things were not to work out with Ginny and I. I feel that it would end up you and me."
I'm shocked.
"Harry" I say slowly not wanting to hurt him but know that no matter what I will. "you can't have both. I'm sorry but what we had is over. I don't see a way for us to be together when we are committed to others. I know that you love Ginny with all your heart and I don't want to be your plan B, that hurts so much for you to even say it."
He tries to save himself.
"No Hermione, that's not what I meant..."
Cutting him, "don't explain it to me, I understand where you are coming from but really you know that it isn't me who you want to be with. Our time passed. We were stupid back then and should have tried harder to be together but we can't change what choices we made."
"I know. But there is so much I would like to change with you."
We continue walking into the night. The conversation ends there, nothing resolved. I feel that I cant even bring myself to talk about this any longer. Feelings for him are rushing back at an alarming rate and I want them to stop. I feel almost dirty for having impure thoughts about Harry at the movement. It feels wrong and as if I am betraying Ron just from having this one conversation. Though they are only words and now I know now how he truly feels for me.
We head back to Harry's flat.
"I'm sorry for brining this all up. But I can't keep it a secret anymore."
I feel that all I want him to do is stop talking. I can't hear this. All of my dreams involve him. I need him in my life in any way. I will settle for his best friend. As long as I'm with him.
"I have to get going. Work in the morning you see," I'm desperate to get away before I do anything I really would regret.
We exchange a hug and I quickly apperate home. In my living room I crumble to the couch in tears. I feel this is only the beginning. What have I gotten myself into?