A Militant Father Christmas
by
Isabella C Robertson
Disclaimer: The Christmas Rhyme below was written by Weird Al Yankovick and all Harry Potter characters belong to J.K Rowling.
Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his toes he was covered in ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled and he said, with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all, now you're all gonna die!"
Sirius leapt from the couch with a roar and grabbed Harry around the waist, tickling him manically. The little boy screeched with laughter and twisted and turned in his godfathers arms.
"Say it." Sirius warned, "Say it or I'll do it."
He pulled Harry's pyjama shirt up and pressed his lips against the pink flesh, preparing to administer the almightiest of wet raspberries. He took a dramatic breath, looked up through his floppy fringe and smiled. There was no greater reward in life than spending a few hours rough and tumbling with his godson. It was no joke the last few months had been difficult, what with pending papers and forms, formal complaints and past juvenile records being brought to light, becoming a legal guardian was serious work.
From the door way, he picked up Remus's scent. He smelled lightly of white wine, it was more fruity than floral and he could just about taste the subtle aroma of mint tea leaves. He ignored him.
"Are you going to say it? Last chance now Harry."
"I won't, I won't!" Harry laughed, pushing his chubby hands against Sirius's thick main of hair.
"Alright then, I warned you…" Sirius chimed.
He took another dramatic breath and pressed his lips against Harry's bellybutton, blowing hard and tickling his ribs. Harry howled with laughter, pushing and shoving on Sirius's head and kicking his legs wildly.
"I'm a Hufflepuff, I'm a Hufflepuff!" he shouted through laughter. He banged on Sirius's head.
Sirius lifted his head and grinned down at him. "Well alright then," he said, "At least you admit it." A loud scoffing noise drew his attention. "Oh hello there Remus. Didn't see you there."
He picked Harry up in his arms and flung him over one shoulder.
"I hardly think tales of a militant Father Christmas are deemed appropriate for a 4 year old." Remus said, crossing into the living room. He lifted Harry from Sirius's shoulder and settled him in his own arms. "And to degrade a house of Hogwarts -"
"Remus, don't." Sirius said, putting a hand up to halt his friend. "Seriously -"
"That's you, not me."
Sirius scowled. "Hardy, har har , because I've never heard that one before."
"Aha!" Harry yelled. He twisted toward Sirius with a huge grin on his face. In his hands he clutched a rectangular shaped box wrapped in blue paper with multiple snowmen on it.
"Crafty little blight you've become." Remus said.
Harry hugged the present against his chest. "For me." he said.
"You need to say thank you to Remus, Harry. It's always important to thank people if they give you something." Sirius told him.
"Thank you Uncle Remus." Harry said, resting his head against one end of the present, he smiled up at his uncle.
Remus smiled back. He appreciated Sirius's hospitality. It's not as if his friend was obliged to allow him lodge in Grimmauled Place on such short notice. After his last landlord had discovered why he often ventured out once a month for a whole night and returned in a state, he had his bags waiting on the lawn for him. He placed a kiss on Harry's forehead.
"Happy Christmas little man." he said.
"Anyway," Sirius butted in, grabbing the present and placing it under the tree. "Me teaching Harry the subtle art of segregation is important for when he goes to Hogwarts."
"Sirius, absolutely not!" Remus frowned, "You don't want him getting a bad reputation because of ingrained prejudice. It'll be difficult as it is, what with his …. You know What."
Harry stopped struggling against his uncle's hold. He wanted to hug his present some more and did not appreciate Sirius discarding it under the tree; but he halted in anticipation when he heard Remus utter those three word. You know what. Harry had being hearing these words an awful lot lately, especially whenever he was around. He didn't know what it meant, whether it was good or bad or how he was supposed to react to it, so instead, he just sat quietly to listen for anything he might understand.
"Poppy cock! He'll be the star of the night, the budding rose, centre of attention, flame of the candle, chocolate on the strawberry."
Remus rolled his eyes as he followed his friend to the kitchen. "I still think it's inappropriate to be using Hogwarts houses as means of misdemeanour."
"Everybody knows, Remus, that all the brave ones go to Gryffindor, like you and I, and soon to be Harry. The brainy ones go to Ravenclaw, like that girlfriend you once had … you know, that one time," he smirked, pouring his friend a cup of tea.
"Right," Remus said, rolling his eyes.
"The slimy, smelly, greasy ones get tossed into Slytherin, like Snivellus," he continued matter-of-factly, "and the rest get thrown into Hufflepuff."
"No one get's thrown anywhere in Hogwarts, Sirius, stop being ridiculous."
Sirius leaned back against the chair with a loud sigh. He stirred his tea noisily and dunked a chocolate biscuit.
"Honestly, Moony, you have absolutely no sense of integrity."
Merry Early Christmas Guys! I hope you enjoyed this major piece of fluff.
If you read this and are interested in a story about Draco Malfoy or Severus Snape, then you can check out my story 'Saving Draco'. Hope to see you there and in future works!
Isabella C Robertson