Disclaimer: It wasn't I who decided for Castle to do what he did on those swings.
AN: Please forgive the emotional wreck that this is, my own emotions are a pool on the floor. I can't even.
Washington DC | August 15, 2013
Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I your willing victim
They haven't talked since that proposal on the swings.
Even after three months her heart cannot help stumbling over the fact that it actually happened.
She sits up, gulping air into her lungs as her chest constricted painfully.
She misses them.
Them together.
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
In nights like this, for the life of her, she cannot understand why she started doubting them.
It just scared her that everything was there, as much as it wasn't.
Their future was wide open, and she couldn't handle that. She couldn't handle not knowing if he was in for the long haul.
So she left.
Now you've been talking in your sleep oh oh
Things you never say to me oh oh
Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love
It's his face at that last moment that always comes back to her when she allows it.
He was resolute.
Resolute in accepting her decision.
The memory drills a hole in her chest. Because now, miles away from him, she realizes that determination for what it is.
Even amidst that foolish decision that he took, in his mind, it was his way of giving her what he thought she wanted.
He offered her everything.
And she refused to take it.
I can't.
New York City | August 25, 2013
I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
Rick Castle sat at his desk with a copy of Deadly Heat on his table.
On top of it was a sticky note in Gina's scroll.
Kate's.
He made sure to tell Gina to send him a copy after the first production. She figured for herself that it would probably be for Kate.
The book arrived three weeks ago and every night, he has stared at it.
He has spent the past three months trying to make sense of everything.
He hasn't been to the precinct since she left.
It would be pointless.
The boys have called him a few times, not very subtly trying to check if he was still breathing, probably.
They didn't even know about everything.
Alexis has also called in every chance she got to reassure him that she is well and safe in Costa Rica, then also from the Hamptons when she got back to the States.
He hasn't had the heart to tell her what happened yet. She might probably kill him for waiting this long.
Only his mother knew at this point, and she, in her way, has tried to comfort him as she always does.
"You tried, kiddo. That's what's important."
He tried, only, he wasn't enough.
Rick makes his way to the bed. The sheets are freshly laundered, without any hint nor trace of her smell.
He couldn't take it. He could barely take being in this room alone.
He lies down in the middle because sleeping at his side leaves a wide aching gap of her in his bed.
He can almost feel her cuddling to his side for warmth in the middle of the night, tangling her legs with his.
"'S cold, Castle." Rasping out of her throat, before burying her nose in his chest.
He closes his eyes tight in the memory. His heart pounds and blood rushes in his ears. He thought they were happy. It hurts because he was blindsided.
Now he is almost always desperately searching for a moment in his memory, a vital moment that he might have missed amidst his blanket of comfort in having her with him.
He comes out blank.
(Oh we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everythin'
And it's all in your mind
(Yeah but this is happenin')
Rick stares at his phone beside him.
He stares blankly but never picks it up, never calls to ask what he could have done to keep her - keep everything.
He never asks because he is terrified that the answer would be nothing.
You've been havin' real bad dreams
You used to lie so close to me
There's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Oh our love, our love
He was almost drifting into sleep when his phone starts ringing.
His heart immediately gets stuck in his throat. It was a ringtone he was never expecting to hear again.
KATE BECKETT
He can't breathe.
He can't answer.
Then it stops and he stands up, taking his phone with him while stalking towards the living room.
It's dark, the only light coming from a lone lamp beside his couch.
He turns toward the window, still looking at the missed call, breathing heavily. Anger and confusion flare at his chest as he stares at the device.
She doesn't call back.
Figures. He thinks bitterly.
The door suddenly clicks and he turns around, trying to relax his shoulders to hide his distress. It's probably his mother, back from theater school.
It opens slowly, quietly, as if a burglar in the middle of the night.
Castle takes a deep breath. "Don't worry mother, it's still too early to be considered a walk of shame."
The door halts.
He hears a breath catch and he swears the sound was not one his mother made familiar.
The person steps out from behind the door… and there she is.
His mind must be playing tricks on him.
"Castle." She rasps in that voice that he was thinking about mere minutes before. "I – you weren't answering."
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
She watches him standing there, dumbly standing there with an unpaintable expression in his face.
She swallows hard.
"Rick." She tries again.
He snaps out of his trance, and she almost wishes she let him be.
A dark cloud washes over his face before he looks down, and looks back up with a carefully controlled expression on his face.
"What are you doing here." He answers flatly, not even saying her name.
Kate grips her luggage under the weight of his stare, thinking back to the agony that finally had her resign her new job.
Everything was a blur after that - booking her tickets, packing, tying up loose ends.
At first she hated herself for it. It wasn't like her to quit halfway at anything. She had much to prove at her job. But her conversation with her father kept coming back to her.
Every night that she spent staring at her ceiling, his voice kept echoing until she was forced to shut off her mind or implode with the torture of the mere thought of him hating her.
"That's something you'll have to live with."
And, she can't.
More than anything, she can't live in a world where he did not love her.
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Castle watches her.
Her eyes become glassy with his question, he can see her throat working, trying to get out a response.
And suddenly all the things that he has been keeping under wraps caves inside him.
He can't look at her.
"I came back." She says in a small voice.
He's turned his back on her and doesn't acknowledge her so she clears her throat, "I came back, Castle."
He stiffens, still does not turn around to face her.
"I wish that still meant something to me."
Panic rises up in Kate's chest. "I know – I know – maybe it doesn't. But, Rick –" her voice breaks.
He looks at her then, still so cold, but at least he was looking at her. "Rick, I want to make it mean something. I want it to be enough… Against anything… I want it to be enough against anything."
At the lack of his reply, she walks further into the loft, closing the door behind her and leaving her luggage by the door.
Just in case.
The thought constricts her throat.
She watches him steel himself, "I offered you anything, Beckett. Anything and everything. You didn't want it, remember."
"Castle…"
"No, you cannot come back here, in the middle of the night, after more than three whole months of nothing and expect to be welcomed. How many times are you going to do this, Kate?"
He takes a pause.
"I'm tired, Beckett. I gave you what you wanted, I am not stopping you, you didn't have to come back on my account."
She takes a deep breath, refuses to let her tears get to her just yet.
Looking at him now, she feels like this is her last chance to explain. And as much as that thought terrifies her to her core, she cannot mess this up. He needs to understand. So she clenches her fists to keep those tears at bay and starts to walk towards him, stopping several steps away and ignoring the way he braces himself, as if he expects her to actually hurt him.
The thought makes her fists clench harder.
"Listen to me, Rick. Just, please."
When he doesn't budge, she continues, forcing herself to look into his stormy eyes. "I thought – I thought I needed to do what I did. I thought I did." She whispers. "It was a great opportunity, I probably wouldn't have it again in my life. In my heart," she breaks, "In my heart, I wanted you. But it scared me too. I was frightened, terrified. Your hold on my heart scared me senseless, as if… as if it hasn't been that way ever since."
She looks away at this point. "I talked to my dad before I took the offer. And he said that I hide in my job whenever I get scared… and that I shouldn't make a decision based on what I am fearful for at the moment… You more than anyone else would know that." Her eyes flicker up to him at that, looking to see if he would react.
He didn't, but she pushes on. "And as usual, I heard his advice without actually listening to it. I was blinded, and, for a moment, I actually believed I could live with leaving you behind."
Kate shifts in her feet, taking in a tremulous breath, already losing the battle against her tears as they fell rapidly down her cheeks.
"And Rick… I am here now because I realized how starkly wrong I am in my assumptions. I thought I would be in danger of resenting you if I did not take an offer as great as that. I didn't – didn't realize that I would be more in danger of not being able to live with myself if I let this go…"
Her shoulders were shaking with the force that it took to keep her sobs down. She tried to calm herself a little so she could look at him when she said this… "Because… in choosing amongst all the futures I could have, all the scenarios that could be my life, I can only see myself truthfully happy in one of them, Rick. And what I really, honestly, wanted was for you to see that too."
Kate hangs her head and he remains standing stiffly in front of her. "I'm sorry Castle, I'm so so sorry."
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean
The backs of Castle's eyes are pounding, a dam waiting to break.
He can't breathe, this time for an entirely different reason.
He stutters a breath in, blinks, almost wanting to pinch himself.
She's trembling in front of him, and he can't move, he can't speak. In the mere minutes that he is frozen he sees her body release the tension it's been holding.
She looks up at him with red-rimmed eyes and reaches out to touch his wrist. Her touch has him startlingly pulling back, surprised and brought out of his incapacity.
A flash of hurt cuts across her face as she moves to pull her hand back while looking at him pleadingly.
"Rick. Please." Give me a chance. "I can't… I can't – "
His arm almost involuntarily rises up to catch her jaw briefly before coming to his senses and letting it go.
She's unable to hide the bewilderment on her face, the confusion and longing.
He feels drained of energy. "I'm hurt, Kate. And I'm angry. I don't know how to do this if you're going to run out every time I can't give you an answer that you wanted to hear. I am scared too, I don't have all your answers, and I cannot read your mind."
He lets out a heavy breath and turns towards the windows.
"But I loved you," her breath catches, "and will always, always love you." He finishes. "Only, I thought, that was enough… but apparently not. And I cannot keep on doing this."
Oh tear ducts and rust
I'll fix it for us
Her heart is pounding as she reaches out, unable to keep her distance after that.
She has hurt him terribly; she knows this, even more so than any time in the past.
This time is worse, because she claims to love him and that hurts. So she cannot help but reach out to comfort his defeated form, holding her breath that he might pull away again.
Her hand lands on his shoulder blade, and she watches him turn his head towards her as she tentatively raises her hand to wipe away a lone tear, her heart clenching painfully hard for probably the thousandth time in the last three months.
Her tears come faster as she wipes away his, wishing that she could stop his pain with her words even if she knows it doesn't work that way.
She looks up, eyes pleading, "Let me prove it you, Rick."
Please. "Let me prove to you that we are in every way, constantly, more than enough."
We're collecting dust
But our love's enough
No matter how hard he tries to refuse it, he cannot take seeing her so broken. He has long admitted to himself how he is utterly powerless against Kate Beckett.
His pulls her roughly against him.
"I'm still angry." He says even as he holds her tightly.
He feels her nodding at his neck, her tears still pooling in his collar. "You should be." She muffles.
"We can't keep doing this Kate. We can't keep running away, because we end up coming back anyway. We're just hurting each other."
Her lips press on his neck before she moves to look at him. ""I love you. I love you so much. And I'm here, with you. That's what I want for my life more than anything. The rest I hope you figure out with me."
"Okay."
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I never stopped
You're still written in the scars on my heart
You're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again